dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 After talking to him I am glad I sent the email and now "have all my cards on the table". However it seemed like we really didn't talk much about what I actually said in the email. I am glad he thought it was "nice" and all but what did he actually think of what I had to say. Hopefully we can talk about it a bit more. You are right guin... now I just need to figure out "if I can "handle what is being dealt", and I am just not really so sure I can. I know I can't do it for long anyhow. For now I am going to take D-Lish's advice and be patient for a bit and see what happens over the next week or so. It would appear that my choices are basically... 1. To remain FWB (or whatever we are) and probably continue having episodes where I feel like I can't do it anymore and just keeping that to myself as best I can. - This option seems fairly certain to end in me getting hurt 2. Try to just be friends and hang out with him occasionally and resist any temptations to bring things closer than that and likely pine away and wish that I could have more with him the whole time. I suppose this would also include dating other people though I am really not interested in doing so. - This option would probably be less likely to cause me to get hurt but I find it unlikely I could maintain this way for very long. 3. Go back to the whole NC or very limited contact and try to get over him. - I think I have already shown I am not quite ready for this yet. Ohhh... and on that note should I just wait for him to contact me again or should I call him since he called me today. Arianna, I am a very slow typist and often have interruptions, so while I was writing, you had posted. At this point I agree with what you see as your options, but I also think it is too soon to decide which one to follow. This has all played out in a matter of a few days and it is a lot for both of you to absorb. You do not have to date anyone else. I do not consider having drinks with a man a date, even if he buys. Having things to do outside of this man, like with friends, is what will keep you sane. It keeps you from sitting around doing nothing but pining, and keeps your time occupied. Dating is hard when your heart is somewhere else. The lack of discussion concerning your email, other than that it was nice, seems like par for the course to me. In my experience it takes men longer to digest and sort things out for themselves. I think they also tend to linger in the past more than women do because we keep our feelings right in front of us. We react in a more immediate way. We cry, we scream, we punch our pillows. Then we pick ourselves up from the disheveled mess we became and put on our happy face and go on with life. Men generally have been taught to stuff their feelings and it takes more time to pull them out, bit by bit, and get past them. I believe that he is very much thinking about your conversation Sunday, and the subsequent email. Those two events were very different and in many ways conflicting. He may need to see action to determine which one you are now going with for sure. I am not coming down on you, I understand making a stand, and then softening it significantly. I have been there myself. But it may be confusing to him. As for calling him, I would wait it out as long as I could. Ideally he will call you as the content of your conversation indicated that he is aware that no clear plans have been set. But...if you end up calling him I don't see any harm in it. It may show that you are now acting in the content of the email. Tomorrow is another day and you will know what to do. I don't expect you to accept the way things are for long if you are not comfortable. Give the amount of investment you are able to and move on if necessary. This man is older and I doubt he is living by the contents of his trousers anymore. He has been through a lot of changes in the past year and they all involved loss. Grieving is hard, exhausting work to overcome. I truly believe that the ex GF is not a real problem, but I can completely understand that their continued relationship, even if not romantic, makes you uncomfortable. It would certainly be easier to swallow if he was with you in all ways, like committed. But he is not. Yet. I still think that based on everything I know about your situation that he could be there fairly soon. Can you give him maybe 2-3 months to see if he comes around? I wouldn't go longer than 4 myself. Think about what is appropriate for you and your well being.
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Hun, Just remember- men don't think in the same manner we do. It would be almost crazy impossible for a man to call you up and say- "hey I got your e-mail and I want to lay all my feelings on the table...." We, as women, emote- we talk, we process, we want resolutions... Men are very different. I'd have been surprised if he called and wanted to have a frank- open conversation about your letter. The fact that he responded at all is good news. Remember- we (women) stew about things...and men avoid conflict- so when an awkward conversation occurs, they see that as "the end" of the problem. haha- we soooo don't see things that way. I'm sure he's not sitting around thinking about the convo- he probably feels (in his own little man-world) that you have come to a resolution. Do you feel that way? No, of course not.... everything not's hammered out in your mind... and you need further "talk" and explanation. Welcome to the world of Man. They just think differently than we do... I think you guys need a face to face. If you end up seeing him, perhaps cuddling, have some sex... it might be a good way to further the conversation. Remain confident- remain a little mysterious- keep being social with others. Whatever you do- don't let him know that your world currently revolves around him (even though it does...heehee). He doesn't need to know that! Remember- people want what they can't have! It's true, and we so often discount that reality. If he thinks he can't have you... he'll want you more. So should you call him? Nope. Wait. Be patient. Continue to go out and have fun and pretend you can live without him... Sounds bad, but it will work. What do you think? D
Author Arianna72 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 I SOOO appreciate everyone advice and willingness to take the time to read all my ramblings. Think it kinda saved me tonight. I got home at like 10:30 tonight, I just wasn’t feeling like being out and the whole time my friend was driving me home I was coming up with rationales in my head to call as soon as I got home. Telling myself it would be fine, he stays up late and I could just call to see how his evening went and in that way let him know I came home alone but had a good night. Before picking up the phone I logged in here and read all the responses and decided I didn’t “have to” call him tonight. The hope that you have given me is something that I need right now even if things don’t work the way I want them to, I think it helps to keep me a bit saner. I have always been a bit of a “flip-flopper” as I tend to process my feelings out loud to figure things out. My friends and family are always telling me I need to learn to keep some of that internal dialogue to myself instead of always feeling the need to share everything as I am feeling it. Logically I know how differently men digest things but it never seems to make it any easier to actually accept. I am sure I have confused him at this point and I am trying to think of something I can do to alleviate that but given I am confused I worry that any message I send is likely to somehow end up changing so I am scared to send any message to ease his confusion at all. Discovering these boards has been wonderful for me as it gives me a chance to do some of the processing out loud with people who aren’t going to take everything I say to heart and react accordingly. I am going to try my best to not make any decisions right now; my goal is to think about each new development for at least a day or two and keep posting here rather than blurting things out all emotional like. I don’t want a repeat of Sunday where I find myself feeling the need to take back things I have said the very next day. If I had any clear indication that there was hope 2-4 months down the road (or maybe even longer) I could give him as much time as he needed. I hope I can give him the time anyways but I also know myself and while I really do want to be with him and want this to work, I also know that if I am not receiving a bit more from him soon my attentions will start to flutter around and before I know it they could be somewhere else. I am definitely not going to actually “date” anyone else for a while though my friends are already on their whole who do we set her up with next kick so I am sure they will be happy to keep me busy. If I haven’t heard from him by tomorrow evening I will call him to say goodnight (which we were doing every night before my episode Sunday) and to make plans for Friday if he is available. My worry is that I don’t know when he is going to head up to her place to housesit and I don’t want to miss out on seeing him all weekend if he is going up there Friday but I guess if that is how it happens so be it. I would just email him but he never checks it. I agree he and I do need a face-to-face and while I am not sure whether I should still sleep with him regularly again one more time may not be such a bad thing especially given he had been quite sick all last weekend. (yeah I know more crappy timing on my part to do all of this while he was sick) and it could indeed spark further conversation. “Continue to go out and have fun and pretend you can live without him... Sounds bad, but it will work” Ohh so true!!! Guess sometimes we all smile on the outside, put on that happy face and pretend just to let men know we can live without em. I think everything you said was so accurate.
stace79 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Definitely taking a step back and doing the NC is best. I have a friend in the same situation, and as hard as it is to accept, she knows that he will either come back to her wanting her and only her, or he won't. In any case, she will already be healing from not seeing him and starting to think about moving on. One of the things I have learned is that it doesn't matter how much you love someone...if they don't return the feelings, you cannot force them to love you by loving them even more. For your own sanity and physical/emotional health, I think your first gut instinct was dead on. Be strong. If he really wants you, he will fight to get you back.
tanbark813 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Definitely taking a step back and doing the NC is best. I have a friend in the same situation, and as hard as it is to accept, she knows that he will either come back to her wanting her and only her, or he won't. In any case, she will already be healing from not seeing him and starting to think about moving on. One of the things I have learned is that it doesn't matter how much you love someone...if they don't return the feelings, you cannot force them to love you by loving them even more. For your own sanity and physical/emotional health, I think your first gut instinct was dead on. Be strong. If he really wants you, he will fight to get you back. Agreed. To Arianna - I doubt you'll believe me or be able to go through with it but your best bet is not to talk to or see him until sometime next week. Let him miss you over the weekend. D-Lish and DDL mean well but they're giving advice as if the guy thinks like a woman, which, he doesn't.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Agreed. To Arianna - I doubt you'll believe me or be able to go through with it but your best bet is not to talk to or see him until sometime next week. Let him miss you over the weekend. D-Lish and DDL mean well but they're giving advice as if the guy thinks like a woman, which, he doesn't. I can't speak for D-Lish, but I'm just beginning to understand how a male mind works and it is very different from a female perspective. That is certain. I think LS has opened my mind more than it was before. I'm trying to accept that what a man says is generally what he means, but still want to do some wishful thinking reading between the lines. I'm guilty. Admittedly it hasn't worked well for me, but I try to live my relationship life with no regrets. If I make every effort to make it work and it doesn't, at least I know I gave it my all. Has that brought me a ton of happiness? Not really but it doesn't leave me wondering "what if?" either. Somehow that brings me a sense of peace when things don't work out the way I would have liked. I appreciate the male point of view and continue to learn. I suppose my fear in Arianna's case would be "will he think I gave up too easily and am not willing to commit in the long run?" I'd like to hear a man's view on that.
tanbark813 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I appreciate the male point of view and continue to learn. I suppose my fear in Arianna's case would be "will he think I gave up too easily and am not willing to commit in the long run?" I'd like to hear a man's view on that. IMO, that's unlikely. Guys don't generally worry about that. I would go so far as to say that men typically assume a woman would be willing to commit (unless she explicitly says so otherwise) just because the stereotypical norm tends to be men avoiding commitment and women striving for it. I also think that when a man says he doesn't want a relationship, women think there's more hope of changing his mind than there really is. I think that might be the case because when women hear that they think he just isn't ready for a relationship in general and needs more time whereas in reality most of the time he means "I don't want a relationship with you." Now, that may not necessarily be the case here since this guy has had a lot of loss recently, but it can't be discounted as a possibility. That's why I think she should take a step back. If she continues to see him and make herself available around his schedule and timeline, he really has no real motivation to change anything. Why would he? He gets to see (and sleep with?) her, plus he gets to hang out with his ex and her daughter. There's no problem for him in that situation, so there's nothing to fix. If she were to back off, on the other hand, it will force him to see what life would be like without her. If it's the case that he doesn't want a relationship with her, then that will simply be the end of it and at least she won't continue to torture herself. But if that's not the case then he might rethink things and realize something has to change if he wants her in his life. Backing off increases the likelihood of forcing his hand. The bottom line is if somebody genuinely wants to be with you, they'll find a way to make it happen.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Thank you Tanbark. I appreciate your point of view because you seem like a nice, normal, average male. I mean that in the best of ways. Nice normal and average is great considering how many very opinionated men there are on this site who cannot ever see things form any viewpoint but their own. You are right in that he did not have a problem with the situation as it was. Arianna had a problem with it and that is understandable. Even in my own situation I have stated that staying around and being available did not resolve my situation and stopping that behavior is what brought about the change which just happened to work in my favor. Not being there on an emotional or physical level allowed him the time to decide that he wanted me in his life and he made the appropriate move in that direction. I had no idea of the concept of NC until I came to LS and recognized that I had used it. I can see what you are saying about him choosing for himself that he wants her in his life and making that happen. Arianna, I also know that backing off and initiating NC can be hard to do, but it did work for me and if it hadn't brought him to the point of choosing me, I would have at least been in the process of healing a lot sooner than I would have been otherwise. I feel for you because I think we are a lot alike.
Author Arianna72 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 Again I appreciate all your comments, I have a lot to say today (nothing new there hehe) I just realized I haven’t posted about a conversation we had last week before all this happened. Maybe it will give a bit more insight into where he is at? I don’t know that it necessarily changes anything but?? He called me up one night a bit drunk and in a very sad place (he doesn’t drink much but it seems to act as an honesty drug for him when he does). We talked for like 40 minutes on the phone and he proceeded to tell me he loved me. That was the first time he had ever said that. I asked him not to say that if he didn’t mean it and his response was that he meant it with all his heart. He also said that he wanted his “actions to speak louder than his words”. I had been telling him for some time that he says he doesn't want a relationship with me but that the way he acts with me is always saying something else. He said he knew he was confusing and he was sorry for that. The whole wanting his actions to speak louder than his words thing kind of suggests to me that maybe he doesn’t always “mean what he says”? I ended up driving to his house while I was still on the phone with him and not telling him I was on my way. He seemed in such a weird space that I just wanted to give him a hug. He was very happy to see me and pulled me up close to cuddle with him on the couch. We lay there talking for quite a bit longer. He said a lot of interesting things about love and pain and how wonderful I am. He was reciting love poetry to me and kissing me and rubbing my back. I admit he didn't mention anything about having changed his mind about not wanting a relationship and I didn't ask. He also talked about “a guy” he had met that night who had "closed his heart off" after the loss of his brother and about how he could relate to that. When I asked what advice he would give the guy he said "I told him he needed to let other people in and open up his heart". We both giggled a bit about the irony of that. He fell asleep in my arms on the couch. I know I probably could have stayed the night but he didn't actually ask me to come over to begin with or invite me to stay so I kissed him, grabbed my stuff and went home. I decided to not put to much weight into the whole evening because I knew he had been drinking and we never talked about what was said that night again. Then this whole weekend thing happened.
Author Arianna72 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 As to the whole NC thing I am fairly certain that is not the right thing to do right now. I agree I shouldn’t be calling him first no matter how badly I want to. I also know I shouldn’t be “always available” to him when he wants to hang out with me, though I am not sure how often I should be available? Maybe once or twice a week? I only have a cell phone and he knows I always have it with me, so I would think if I stopped answering or returning his calls it would probably hurt his feelings a lot especially since right now he is in a very vulnerable state anyways. I could always be busy when he wants to do things but I am fairly certain he would see right through that and honestly nothing says to me “I don’t care about you that much” quite like not making time for a friend who is struggling. I hear what you are saying about not seeing or talking to him this week Tan and had we not made our pseudo-plans to spend time together I would agree with you but I don’t want to back out now. If he doesn’t call I will try my best not to call him. I feel like I already told him wanted to spend time with him and be a part of his life, if I change my mind again that certainly doesn’t send the message I want to send. If I disappear from his life, given his current circumstances, I would worry he would just write me off and would associate me with just more pain. I certainly don’t want to be seen as yet another loss in his life. I also hold a bit of the view that if I don’t at least make an effort to make something work I will be left wondering “what if” and worrying that he will think I gave up too easily. While I understand that not all men worry if a woman is “willing to commit” I think he does worry about that. He sees himself as pretty damaged and has hinted several times that he doesn’t think I would really want him even if he did want a relationship and I genuinely don’t think it is about not wanting a relationship with me. He is not someone I just met, we have known each other for many years and he was interested in me for a very long time he just figured he didn't stand a chance. He never saw me as someone who would be interested in him and too be honest I never really was till a friend convinced me he was a great guy and I should see what happened. I am not trying to sound conceited or anything but most people consider me to be a very attractive woman (I have a lot of friends and a friendly attitude as well so I am quite "popular" in our small town, especially with men). I think he is a decent enough looking guy but certainly not my normal type. He has said several times that he is amazed I am with him and both of us have certainly heard comments made to him about how he managed to "score such a beautiful girlfriend". (btw he never corrects people who refer to me as his girlfriend) Hrmmm.. reading all that everyone has wrote (including myself) just made me wonder about something, maybe the loss issue has a lot more to do with not wanting his ex out of his life than I had thought about. Maybe losing her and her daughter would just be a bit too much for him right now and I need to just accept that. No he didn’t have a problem with the situation as it was but maybe that is because it really is how he needs it to be. Maybe I don’t want to force his hand at all in this and try to make him chose between us or decide he wants to be “in a relationship” with me right now. I think he does genuinely want to spend time with me otherwise he wouldn’t have been spending 5 days or so a week with me. It seems like he has already said he wants me in his life he just doesn’t know in what capacity. Of course even given all that the fact is that I am not happy with keeping things as is and do want to actually move the relationship forward and he is still “not ready” for that. So who knows maybe NC or limited contact is still the way to go to help him make a decision. I do worry that I wouldn’t like the decision he would make right now however. As has been said many times on here you can’t make someone ready and I am certainly not trying to “make him love me”. I know how he feels about me and that he does genuinely care a lot about me. I also know right now he doesn’t know what he wants for his life so I find it unlikely he is going to fight for anything or come to some sudden realization. He isn’t even sure if he wants to stay in the area right now, as it is associated with a lot of painful memories of his parents. Basically he is in the process of re-evaluating his whole life. Thus not wanting to start a relationship that may just end in another loss.
guin_girl Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 good grief, again the close similarities of our stories... about 2 weeks ago he initiated a relationship "beer influenced" talk... we are experiencing the same frustration... it's like that talk never existed as well. I would still have him make all the contact... I have decided I cannot make myself so available, like Tan said... if it's all on his time/decision, it's definitely not fair to me and it won't force him to make a decision, either way. I'm not cutting off all contact, I can't handle that, but I'm going to keep busy and make other plans... if he fits in, when it's good for me, then great... otherwise, maybe he should have thought about that earlier... As much as it will hurt, maybe you should be "busy" this weekend to let him miss you?
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I really feel like we have similar thought processes. All that is posted is opinion and advice. You know the intricacies of your situation and the boundaries of your heart. You know you will have some tough moments, tough days. I'm certain you will survive whatever happens here. Keep posting when you need to. I really wish I had found this site a long time ago. My BF isn't all that typical in many ways and that is why I made some of the choices I made. He needs a lot of physical and verbal confirmation of love, which works great for me because I am the same. I continued to give him that in the beginning weeks of his "confusion" and had I not I think he would have thought that I wasn't as sincere in my affection as I truly was. The things I regret were the drunken dialing calls late in the evening and twice I called him just to have sex. Not very proud of that. But I still think it might have made him come around. In my case he hadn't initially asked for space to deal with his confusion, I think he intended to keep seeing me but was expressing honesty in that he still had feelings for his ex. I insisted on "all or nothing" then couldn't abide by it myself. He didn't seem to be bothered by my presence by phone or those stupid booty calls. He genuinely liked me very much, loved me I dare to say. But he was confused about having feelings for two very different women. One who had the comfortable feeling of an old shoe, even though that shoe wasn't as comfortable as he would like, and one he would have to take a chance on getting to know better and deciding if she was a good fit. Maybe me stopping the initiation of contact didn't make any difference at all, who knows as I have never asked him, but maybe I will. He probably won't even remember.... Oh Arianna, I could just go on and on and try to analyze/overanalyze your situation. I could come up with a good point and a bad point about every detail. You already know that you have to do what is comfortable for you, but I will be there to sympathize or celebrate every step of the way! I just want to offer my support.
Author Arianna72 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 guin_girl... There do seem to be a LOT of similarities with our situations. Like I said I really am going to try to wait for him to make all the contact. I could tell him I was "busy" this weekend but he would certainly ask me what I was up too. Like I said I live in a relatively small town and we have both lived here a long time(about 40k people though it is also a college/tourist town with a world renowned repertoire theatre so a bit different than your typical small town). There are only so many places that I “hang-out” on the weekends (he goes to the same places) and for the most part we share the same friends. Since we started seeing each other if I have plans with a friend he has usually joined us and our friends often invite him along without even saying anything to me about it. It has just been assumed we would be together. He pretty much knows everyone I know and what not so anything I do will get back to him one way or another (people really like to gossip apparently). I could say I have a date but I don’t, and would rather not lie (and possibly get caught in a lie), not to mention I am not sure making him jealous is going to help in the end. Like I said in the last post he already has it stuck in his mind that he somehow doesn’t deserve me or whatever. ddl... I really do appreciate your support it is helping me so very much. I agree we seem to have very similar thought process. I also think my guy is very similar to yours in that he seems to really crave/need confirmations of caring/love (as do I). He can be a bit insecure at times and part of what he has said he loves so much about me is that I am "tender and loving" with him. He has always made it very clear that I can call him or come by his house anytime and other than one time for a couple days has yet to ever ask for any space from me, nor has he really tried to take any. I almost did the fake drunk dial last night (wasn't really drunk but figured I could pretend to be) and I am glad I didn't because I have a feeling I would certainly have regretted that.
Author Arianna72 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 So he just called me to see how I was doing. I told him I thought I may have caught his cold. Now he is insisting on bringing by all of his cold medicines and what not and orange juice and some soup for me. The last thing I wanted to do was having him come by my place when I have just gotten off work, haven't showered, look like crap etc. And of course now he says I should take it easy and not go out for a couple nights.. BAHH... I want to spend some time with him EDIT: And now he has left leaving me with a slew of cold medicines and what not. We hugged for a very long time and he said it was good to see me. He asked almost right away how my night was last night. I told him it went well but that I called it an early night because I wasn't feeling that great. He asked if there was anything else he could do for me, I know I shouldn't have but I said no, then added "but you could share your thoughts with me, maybe not right now but soon". He said he would as soon as he knew what they were. We still have no "firm plans" to see each other this weekend so I guess that is just as well. I told him to give me a call sometime and he left to go get himself some dinner and go to bed as he has a huge workday tomorrow. (he is almost done with a big job right now) Overall the interaction was far less than I had hoped for but I suppose it went well, he did kiss me a couple times and he kept making his funny little sounds he makes every time he looks at me.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 What do I know since I think men think like women,:)but I would say it was a good interaction. I know want to hear that he wants to be with you and is ready to make some changes and the important step of acknowledging a relationship desire. But I saw a very caring man in what he did, as I'm sure you did. Listen, I outright asked my BF if anything I did was right or wrong and told him he could be completely honest since it didn't matter now and I wanted to help a friend in a similar situation. He said that if I had cut off contact altogether immediately that he thinks he might not have been so bewitched. He felt pursued and he liked that. Now for anyone reading this who believes in the absolute theory of NC, I admit that neither one of us is typical in the male/female aspect. I really believe this can work out, Arianna, I do. I truly believe that he cares for you deeply, and while he may not have admitted to a "relationship" status, I think he was/is already in one. Keep posting and I will keep my fingers crossed!
guin_girl Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I think it sounds good and positive Adrianna. And he is open to talking, when he knows what he wants to say. I'm glad you had a chance to see him and that his actions are showing what he really can't say right now!
Author Arianna72 Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 I am feeling like crap right now Haven't heard from him since he came by Thursday, not that I was really expecting to. Thing is I am also sick right now (thanks to him )and so I am basically stuck in my house with nothing to do but sit and dwell on all that has happened this last week. I have watched as much TV as I can possibly stand for the day, slept a bit, read a bit and frankly I am just bored and lonely; I miss him horribly. This will be the first weekend I have spent without him since we started seeing each other and it just sucks. I was supposed to go out dancing with some friends tonight as it is one's b-day but not sure if I would want to even if I wasn't sick. Worst of all, I know it is basically my fault. If I would have just left things alone we would be still be fine. He would probably be here right now taking care of me and giving me a back rub He mentioned something Thursday about how if he and I had made plans for this weekend last weekend he would not have told the ex he could watch her house. I know what he was really saying was, if you hadn't freaked out last weekend I would have been with you this weekend and she wouldn't have even asked me about watching her place.
guin_girl Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Arianna, I'm sorry you aren't feeling well, that just compounds the problem and gives you ample time alone to think and think. Boy do I know how that is!! But remember, he knows you aren't feeling well, and he did bring a care package of medication to make you feel better. So this may also be part of the reason for not disturbing you so that you can get better quicker. And the display of care and concern for you was after the events of the weekend. and if you are anything like me, I can get myself so worked up that my immune defenses lag and I get sick, and it just spirals down for me. But do not get down on yourself and what happened. And him not calling since Thursday isn't a bad thing, remember the reason for him being there is to house sit with her daughter, so I'm sure he is feeling the need to entertain her. But also remember what Tan said, that you should let him miss you over the weekend. This is giving him the perfect opportunity to sit back and reflect on the events of the weekend... your last connection with him was very positive and I think I read in one of your threads how he wanted his actions to speak louder than his words... not many men would go out of their way for someone like he did if his feelings were not genuine. Hang in there... you know I'm rooting for you
Author Arianna72 Posted January 28, 2007 Author Posted January 28, 2007 He just called me and we talked for like 45 minutes on the phone, nothing deep or anything basically just small talk type stuff. He is also still recovering from the same nasty flu bug he gave me and says he is just going to "take it easy tonight". I told him it was really nice to talk to him and reminded him that he said we would go play pool together soon and that I really would like to hang out with him. He said as soon as he was feeling better he would love that. I don't know if I should be continuing to express that I really want to spend time with him or if I should be a bit more aloof... I want to just be myself but sometimes reading all these posts about "how to win someone back" kind of skew my judgement I guess. He was at his house to shower and what not since her place is up in the woods and kind of "primative". Thing is I also have somewhere in my mind this (I hope) irrational fear that the ex isn't really out of town and he is just staying up there with her but not telling me that. That whole worst case scenario thing I guess.
guin_girl Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Yea... I'm glad he called you. and a nice long talk too (I'm jealous), but that's great. and kudos to you to not "rehash" anything from the previous discussions... let things lie with that for now. He knows that you want to spend time with him, so I think now I would relax and let him make the plans for the next couple weeks. You aren't in a "win him back mode"... as it doesn't seem like you lost him as it is. you just hit a speed bump. Even if he is at her house and she's there, which I don't think he would lie to you about that, it's not like he was hiding her before, so why would he now... but IF and that's a big IF, she was there, he made a point of contacting you and still making plans with you as well. Hang in there, it's looking good.
Walk Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 He was at his house to shower and what not since her place is up in the woods and kind of "primative". Thing is I also have somewhere in my mind this (I hope) irrational fear that the ex isn't really out of town and he is just staying up there with her but not telling me that. That whole worst case scenario thing I guess. The "how to win someone back" tricks don't work anyway. Just be yourself. The trick is to remember your own self worth, and don't get sucked into that "if I don't have him I'll die" mentality. Also.. if she were there, I highly doubt he would've called you this weekend. He sounds like a fairly moral type of man. He's been trying to be honest with you from the get go. You know him best.. but the way you describe him makes him sound like a decent guy who's honestly not trying to hurt anyone.
Author Arianna72 Posted January 28, 2007 Author Posted January 28, 2007 Well I feel like I have in a sense lost him as I believe he is now looking at things in a we are just friends way and that is not really what I want. I could ask him point blank if he still wants more with me but again.. don't want to bring anything up with him right now. However given when he came over he didn't give me an "actual kiss", which he would have done a lot of before, I think I am right. Of course he seems to be under the impression that is all I want at this point. And frankly I am just confused, I want more but don't just want to do the fwb thing soooo.. As to the whole ex thing... I know it is silly and thus far he has not lied to me (that I know of) but it is still making me feel a bit nauseous. Thank you for being a whole lot more positive about this than I am... helps a lot. You are right he did make kinda plans, even if it is for "when he feels better" whenever that may be. And you are right Walk he is a very decent guy.. I have just been with quite a few guys who pretend to be wonderful decent guys but turn out to be lying jerks. Thanks for the encouragement to just be myself, good to hear those "tricks" don't work from someone as I have a feeling I would suck at playing them.
Author Arianna72 Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Well... today is Monday. The day that was mentioned briefly as a possible "non-plan" to get together and play pool if he was feeling better (to confusing anymore so going to refer to him as R). I haven't heard from him since Saturday (no surprise, and not that long ago). An ex-boyfriend who I am still friends with just called me to tell me he was going to be driving through town tonight and was going to call a bunch of our mutual friends to see about an impromptu gathering to play pool/have a few drinks. The ex is suggesting the same place R and I were (not) planning to go. We were together for about a year and things ended mutually because he was moving and we didn’t want to do the whole long distance thing. In the past when he has come to visit we have always been very flirtatious with one another but have not been at all “physical” though we are both attracted to one another. I didn’t promise the ex I could make it so I am not obligated to but I wouldn’t mind seeing him and our other friends. (He and R. have met him a couple times) Given my goal is for things to somehow work out with R. My question is provided R. does call and wants to hang out tonight should I. 1. Invite him along 2. Tell him I have made other plans 3. Tell the ex I can’t make it and go somewhere else with R. (obviously if I don’t hear from him I am going to go have a great evening even though I am still a bit sick) If I do decide to invite him along how should I “behave” tonight. Do I continue with my usual fun flirting with the ex while R. is there, knowing doing so might make him feel bad? Is him worrying about if I will wait around for him a good or a bad thing at this point? I don’t want to play games or even appear to but I am not sure at this point if I should still be changing my interactions with other men or not. By nature I tend to be fairly gregarious and quite flirtatious when I am single and I am “single” right now. I haven’t even decided if I should keep a physical "distance" from R. or allow for things to be as they always have been very close and touchy feely? When I am “with” someone I focus my attention on them but he and I are not together and I am not sure if I should continue to act as if we are. Guess I am just generally unsure of how I should be behaving at this point. My intial thought is to go ahead and invite him along and maybe just keep a bit of distance between both of them but I don't want to mess things up and I do want to have fun talking with the ex as he is a great guy and always makes me laugh.
guin_girl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Well first off, I'm glad that healthwise you are feeling up to going out tonight. Now for my opinion, I would let him call you and then see how the conversation goes. If he asks you to go out tonight, I would probably tell him that I have already made plans for the evening since we didn't have anything set in stone. You don't want him to ask you at the last minute. You can't be too available for him. He needs to know that you are a desirable, fun person that others want to be around. You are not going on a "date" with ex, you are going out with a group of friends. But if he doesn't ask, I wouldn't mention anything. If you break down and invite him along. I think you should be friendly to both, not "overly" flirtatious with either. Make him wonder, but don't get him upset. That's not your goal. And it will just end up making you feel bad. Act like you normally would. Remember the person you were when you met him, that's the person you want to be. As for a physical "distance"... I would play it by ear... don't push the envelope, see what he's thinking, without opening up that can of worms again... he will give you signals, you will know... but don't be the one to close the "distance", you want to know that he wants you on his own. You want to be desired, it will make you feel stronger and more secure of your postion then. Hope you have fun tonight, whatever you decide
dropdeadlegs Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 You have stated that it is a small community that you live in, or word gets around fast, or something like that, so bear that in mind regardless of what you decide. I would probably say that I had made plans to go out with a group of friends and mention that an old friend is rolling through, so it came up kind of last minute and cannot be rescheduled. I would try to leave it at that, but if he asked where you are going I would tell him. I probably wouldn't invite him, but it is a free world and he could make an appearance. At that point I don't have any advice. It's already taking a lot of "what if" turns and I would probably be uncomfortable with both of them in the same place at the same time. That said, you are single for all intensive purposes. However, if it got back to R that you were flirtatious while in a place that the two of you frequent, that might be good (you are desired by other men) or bad (he thinks you have moved him to the friends only status.) I don't know the parties well enough to know how anyone would react or how they would think. Each situation is so different. But...I think you should have fun regardless. You had a blah weekend and could use some activity to enjoy yourself. And your friend won't be in town for long, so go out and have a good time. Let the rest take care of itself.
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