Did I make a huge mistake?

[Arianna72]

I think I made a mistake in ending things with my SO on Sunday but I just don’t know. Everyone here has been so helpful so maybe someone has some insights. I have posted a bit about where things are between he and I. Basically he says he isn’t ready for a relationship right now. Both of his parents died in the last year, he broke up with his ex-girlfriend of 2 years in May (she also lost a child this year to Leukemia) and he is afraid to get to attached to anyone or anything right now because he doesn’t feel like he can deal with another possible loss this soon.

 

We have only been seeing each other since early November but have known each other for about 13 years or so. Things between us definetly moved very quickly and he is unlike any man I have ever been with. I really think the world of him. We spend most of our time together and many of his actions/words have suggested he has stronger feelings for me than he was willing to admit at this time. When he talks about me to others he refers to me as his girlfriend and tells everyone how wonderful I am and how happy he is with me. We have a great time together all the time and I am very happy with him.

 

The problem is the ex is still way to involved in his life and he doesn’t want to give that piece up even though he swears he never wants to be with her in that way again. He has made it pretty clear that he cares about her daughter a lot and that they are quite close and he doesn’t want to just disappear nor does he want to leave the ex without his support as a friend. I understand this and because he and I are not “technically” in a relationship I haven’t felt like I really have any say in the matter anyways. They have been broken up since May and he still helps them out with various things. He will go to her house to chop firewood for them or fix her car. They live up in the hills out of town so during school her teen daughter will often stop at his house for lunch and what not. He loaned her $500 over Xmas to help pay the bills and she is supposedly “cleaning his house” in exchange since she doesn’t have the money to ever pay him back. She knows that he and I are “together” and she refers to me as his "new girlfriend". My concern is she seems to be willing to accept any amount of attention he is willing to give her as long as he stays a part of her life and I just can't compete with that. She comes to his house to clean and does his laundry, washes my underwear, gathers my jewelry for me. She had asked him when her and I could meet and he asked me if I would be comfortable with that. I agreed to do so “at some point”.

 

He was sick all weekend and convinced me to go out Friday with our friends. His best friend showed up and informed me that the ex was on her way there to hang out with him. So… I got to finally meet her Saturday night and frankly I just wasn’t prepared for it. She was OVERLY dotingly nice to me. She thanked me for being so “good to him and for him”. She basically acted like we were long lost best friends. She even asked me to sit on her lap (there were no other chairs available where she was sitting) and was trying to buy me drinks. After about an hour of this I simply couldn’t take it anymore and I walked to my SO’s house and crawled into bed with him. I told him I had met her and that things went fine. He asked if she was nice to me and I told him she was… (very much so). The next morning as he and I are cuddling up on the couch she shows up with coffee for all 3 of us and just wants to sit and chat for like an hour. I handled myself amazingly well and did the best I could to make small talk with her but frankly I was really feeling like this was just all too much for me; just way too weird. I spent the rest of the day with him watching movies and stayed there Saturday night, we had a great night together and all was well. Sunday morning I woke up and told him I needed a bit of time to process the weekend. I came home and sat thinking about everything and decided that I just didn’t think I could continue being involved with him when she was so closely tied to him. I went back to his house and we talked. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and (partially based on all the NC threads I have read here) that I thought it was best if we not talk to each other for a while. I told him not to contact me and to try not to “accidentally” run into me unless it was to let me know he was willing to take a step back from her in order to see where things would go between us.

 

I went home and stewed on everything that had happened. I called in sick to work yesterday and by the end of the day I was feeling like it was a HUGE mistake to break contact with him. I am basically falling in love with this man and I have just relinquished him to an ex-girlfriend who he doesn’t even want to be with anymore. I know he cares about me and I do believe that things would eventually work out between he and I. I feel like I basically gave him an ultimatum and then walked away. I don’t want to lose this guy and I feel like the relationship was worth fighting for, I just panicked and did what I thought I had to do to protect myself. I decided to write him an email late last night

[Arianna72]

Here are the contents of the letter I wrote him. I already sent it so no going back now though I wish I had posted it here before sending it. I called him at 1:00 today to let him know I sent him an email (because he literally never checks his email) we chatted very briefly and he said he would check it as soon as he got home in about an hour. So I assume he checked it at around 2ish and I still haven't heard back from him. I know I am being impatient and need to give him time to think about it but I just wish he would at least give me some response now. Is the letter over-the top?? Did I again do the wrong thing by sending it? Should I really be doing a no-contact thing when that is the last thing he said he wanted?

 

I need to write you this email because I feel like I have still left so much unsaid. I don't expect it to change anything but I want you to understand me. I realize it was wrong and impulsive of me to place this whole no-contact thing on you. I want you to be a part of my life if you are still willing to do be. I was really hurting and confused at the time. I know it is going to be hard for me to "just be friends" because I really do want more with you. I don't want to do the push/pull thing to you and I recognize I have but believe me that is not what I am trying to do right now. I really do care about you and I am not doing this to play any stupid games. Whatever happens I am certainly never going to regret the time I have spent with you as it has opened my eyes to what is truly possible. The truth is I would love to see you and talk to you as often as possible. I admit I do really hope that some sort of little light bulb will go off in your head and you will decide this is worth holding on to, but I recognize things may not happen that way.

 

I know we said in the beginning it was a "no-strings attached" thing and you made it very clear you were not ready for nor did you want something more. I certainly went into this with that understanding. I didn't expect my feelings for you to grow so quickly or so deeply. In getting to know you better I have come to realize you really are everything I have ever wanted in a man, you are the most wonderful man I have ever met. You are so loving, kind, sweet, intelligent, smart, fun, thoughtful the list could go on and on and and of course added to all the wonderful things about who you are, you are also unbelievably sexy and you have the most beautiful eyes and glowing smile I have ever seen. Each day I have spent with you has been incredible. I really had given up on finding someone like you. I meant it when I said I didn't even think men like you existed. So yeah the truth is I started to find myself wanting more than an "open" no-strings attached relationship with you. I knew you were not in the same place as me and I tried to keep my feelings bottled up but that has turned out to be impossible. (btw… the song I was thinking of when you asked the other day fits perfectly here, Jewel/Always, from Pieces of You).

 

After **** (his friend) Xmas party (Dec 4th) I was already certain I was falling completely in love with you. I am not one to say that lightly at all (*** (my ex) is the only man I have ever felt that way about and that didn't turn out so well). Frankly it scared the **** out of me knowing you were not on the same page as I was. I talked to *** (my friend) for hours about it; I know I could have taken a step back then but I didn't want to; even knowing you wanted nothing more with me. Since that time my feelings for you have continued to grow stronger. I know you are not perfect. I know you see yourself as "broken" but that is not what I see, you are what I want. You once asked me if I really wanted you if I wanted to deal with all of your crap, all that was broken in you. The honest answer is yes I would love to be a true part of your life in that way, if you would let me. I love who you are and everything that is a part of you.

 

The whole thing with *** (his ex) is far to painfully close to what I went through with *** and his ex-wife for so many years and I just don't know if I can go through that again. I want to be understanding but it scares the crap out of me and I don't really understand. In the end I know that holding onto the past like that only ends in pain for everyone involved.

 

In thinking about all of this and talking to *** for a long time tonight I had an epiphany. I realized there is more to my pulling away like I did than just where you are at with *** (the ex) and I need you to know that. I need you to know this is as much about me as it is about you. The fact is I have a lot of my own issues that make me "broken". In all my life I have never allowed myself to be close to any man, nor have I ever felt safe. In the beginning I tried to with *** (my ex) only to have who I was used against me in very emotionally abusive ways. I feel myself wanting so badly to be close to you and to be open with you. I realize how much I trust you and how much I really do want you to know who I am even if nothing comes of it. I think subconsciously the desire to share who I was with you scared me and what is happening with you and *** was the perfect out for me to run away. The thing is I don't want to run away and I am sorry that I didn't open myself up more with you. I am sorry I didn't give you a real opportunity to know who I am and to understand me. I guess I am kind of hoping that I can still do that, even if it is only as a friend (for now?). I believe you are someone I can actually be real with and let know me, you are someone I can trust and I don't want to miss out on that kind of opportunity.

 

There is so much more I want to say to you but it doesn't feel right doing so in an email if you are open to talking to me and really knowing who I am please call me today or whenever you feel able. And please at least call me back and let me know you received this.

[tanbark813]

I think you did the right thing. You seem pretty level-headed about the situation and I would be bothered if I were in your shoes. He doesn't sound like a bad guy but it does sound like he might be weighing his options and trying to figure out who he wants. Or maybe he really just doesn't want to get attached to anyone else in his current situation like he says.

 

This, however, doesn't make much sense:

 

I have just relinquished him to an ex-girlfriend who he doesn’t even want to be with anymore.

 

If he really doesn't want to be with her then no amount of convincing she does can change his mind. I think women typically have greater hopes for being able to win a man over but men tend to be more set in whether or not they want a woman. That is, I don't think stepping out of the picture necessarily reduces the chances of you two getting together. If anything it should speed up his decision-making.

 

 

EDIT: This was posted before I read your letter.

[tanbark813]

..I don't think it was necessarily "wrong" of you to send it. It was sweet but it's unlikely that it will turn things around, especially if you guys entered into this situation with the agreement that it would be NSA. It's pretty difficult to convince someone to commit to something more when they enter into it with the mindset that it will be casual. I've been on the side of trying to convince a woman and I've been on the side of the woman trying to convince me and in neither case did it work out.

 

IMHO, I think your first instinct to take a step back is the best way to go. If you offer up your companionship (and more?) as just a friend, it serves to provide him with less motivation to want to change things.

[Arianna72]

So in taking a step back should that mean no-contact? Or do I try and remain friends with him as we were before, I am not even sure if it is possible to go back to "just friends"?

 

I foolishly promised him when we started this whole thing that no matter what happened I would still be his friend and he was really bummed when I told him we shouldn't have contact. He felt like I was taking back my promise and I suppose in a way I did, it is just a lot has changed since we initially started seeing each other. At the time I really didn't even think it was possible for me to get attached to him in this way. He just wasn't my type, or so I thought.

 

I just don't know how likely it is for us to be "plutonic" friends if we are actually hanging out together but I do want him to be a part of my life still.

 

Gah!!!! And of course I haven't heard back from him about the email and am feeling all sorts of panicky. I know I should be patient but I don't know how long I should wait or what I should be doing..

[tanbark813]

You could go NC but I don't know if you have to. I just think that given the situation, taking a step back is more likely to urge him to make a decision whereas staying friends with him is more likely to keep things the way they are.

 

If he likes having you around and he likes having his ex around, what motivation does he have to cut one of you off if he doesn't have to?

[JCD]

Seems to me like he wants NSA and you want more so it won't work between you. My suggestion is to dump him and date someone who wants a relationship.

[Arianna72]

I understand what you are saying I am just not sure what "taking a step back" entails or how to go about implementing whatever it entails. I wish I would have been a bit more patient as well. We have not been seeing each other that long and maybe the ex meeting me this weekend would have been an impetious for change if I had just waited to see what would happen next.

 

I know I am just second guessing myself all over the place here but I can't seem to make myself stop doing so. I can take my mind off of it all for a bit but I can't keep myself busy/distracted all the time.

 

As to the suggestion to dump him (think that is what I did Sunday) and find someone else to date. If only it were that simple. There are plenty of men who are interested in me to one degree or another. Thing is I really do want to see where things could go with this guy. I am not really interested in dating random guy number 101.

 

And... still no word from him. It is really unlike him to not get back to me like this and it is driving me crazy wondering what he is thinking or if he even is thinking about my email. My friend said I should give him at least a couple days to respond. When I told him I had emailed him in my head I was thinking I would get a response in a couple hours at most. I don't know if I can distract myself sufficently to wait for a couple days.

 

I know I shouldn't contact him again and I think until I hear from him I am going to need a lot of help to prevent myself from doing so. I have already fought of numerous urges to drive past his house and see if he was home...

[dropdeadlegs]

It has been less than 30 minutes since your last post please tell me you did not drive past his house.

 

I have some similar story stuff to share, but I need to strengthen you first.

[Arianna72]

As of yet no but I am so tempted to ... I will have to tomorrow on my way to work. Well suppose I could go out of my way to avoid doing so... but that seems silly too.

 

Any shared stories would be great reading them gives me another distraction

 

I just wish he would call me already....

[D-Lish]

Keep yourself busy and don't give into the urge to contact him just yet.

Honestly- it may make him wonder a bit about your stability if you keep reaching out and changing your mind.

 

You did the right thing by asking for space. You obviously needed time to let things sink in. Now you have sent him a letter betraying your honest feelings and hopes about where things might go between you. He needs time to digest the letter and your words. You wrote a lot- so don't expect a quick response. He may have a lot to say in response to what you wrote- so give him that time to respond. Even if it takes a couple days.

 

Whatever you do- don't go to him or write him again. Please listen to this advice. You need instant gratification for your letter because you poured your heart into it, and now you have to sit back and wait. What you do or don't do at this point may make or break what future you two might have.

 

I know your instincts tell you to keep pushing- but don't do it. Just let the letter sink in. If you have an urge to call or drive to his home... call a friend to talk you out of it- or post here.

 

I've done something similar with a guy before, and the pressuring cost me the relationship. I got mad and left, told him it was over, then I realized my mistake and started calling and e-mailing. He was unimpressed by my lack of composure and pressuring and decided not to take me back.

 

He just needs time to digest- and so do you by the sounds of it.

You have to give him time. You left him, then you wanted him back and professed your love for him...if you start showing up on his door or sending him further e-mails, it will make you appear needy and desperate in his eyes. I don't want to sound harsh- I just want to make sure you take a big step backward, take a deep breath and have some patience.

 

He'll respect you if you keep your composure in this situation....I promise you that.

 

Be patient- keep busy, don't check your e-mail every 5 seconds. Get out and do something social to keep your mind off things for the time being.

 

Up to this point, you haven't done anything "over the top"...but if you give in to your emotions and start doing drive by's or send further e-mails... you could ruin things.

 

Deep breaths... wait it out.

You'll feel better once the urges start to subside.

 

Remember- guys are scared off by drama, or what they percieve to be dramatic. In their eyes, drama is tantamount to "crazy"... so just pull back and give him a little space.

 

I think you need a little space too.

Good luck,

D

[dropdeadlegs]

Driving past his house unnecessarily would be a mistake. If your route home takes you there, so be it.

 

I understand taking a step back and feeling you made a mistake, but if he were to see you driving past unnecessarily would reek of desperation. Nobody likes to see desperation in someone they were considering as a potential partner. And I realize that your NSA relationship may not have indicated partnership, but it's always in the back of one's mind. There could be a million reasons why he hasn't responded yet and I agree with your friends that you should give it a few days.

 

As for a similar story, here goes.

 

My BF's ex-wife seems to find some reason to come by his home at least twice a week. They have a child together. I met her very early on and she was too nice for my liking. I was suspicious. In all honesty I believed she was still in love with him. Yes, he still speaks of her children from former marriages as his stepsons. He even listed those boys in his own fathers obituary as "survivors" although he and his ex-wife have been divorced for over ten years. Technically that makes those boys (both adults for the record, 22 and 30 years old) no legal relation to him nor his father. But that is what makes him so special. Once you are family, you're always family. It is hard for me to stomach at times, but I have to accept that if I want to be with him.

 

Instead of mailing the usual once a month child support payment (their daughter is 17, but will not graduate from high school until 2009 due to being held back in kindergarten for being immature emotionally) he pays weekly in cash. AND he insists that she pick it up versus taking it to her. I wouldn't handle it that way, but it's not my life to live for him. That is his way of making her beg, I suppose. Going back to his fathers funeral again, which was just last June, he insisted that the ex-wife and her son sit on the front row with family. He also insisted that I do the same, which actually made me feel uncomfortable as we are not legally anything. Had I been the ex, I would not have done it and I only relented because he seemed to need me near him so badly. Still I felt it was wrong. Wrong for me, but right for him, so I did it.

 

the ex comes around nearly every weekend that his daughter is with him. There is always some important reason to speak to the daughter. When my kids went to their Dad's I respect it as "his" time with them. I didn't call, I didn't visit. She calls 3-4 times daily AND visits. At least once, often twice.

 

Her family backed out at the last minute for Thanksgiving at her home this past year, so guess who came and spent it with us? Yep, she brought a ton of food, cleaned up afterwards, and put the leftovers in the fridge. I wasn't "happy" but it wasn't bad. I do not ask nor expect him to have anything to do with my ex. That's because I choose to keep my ex very separate from "us." It's just who I am, but it's not who he is. It seems the ex is even more a part of our lives since her mother died last April.

 

She is a nice person, just not someone I would choose to spend time with if left to my own resources. We are very different. I see her as someone with absolutely no common sense. She has also "found God" and questioned my salvation. I didn't appreciate that.

 

The ex tells everyone who will listen how much she loves me and it is very obvious that there is nothing going on in the way of lasting feelings between them. She cheated on him and he finds that completely unforgivable. So, their "relationship" is my cross to bear if I want to be with this man. Eventually their child will be an adult in all ways and support payments will go by the wayside. Their daughter also recently got her drivers license and a used car, so that may make visits by the ex less often.

 

All in all, I have come to realize that it is really my problem. They all seemed to be going along just fine and I am the one who has come onto the scene. We do things differently and he would have no problem if I invited my ex to Thanksgiving dinner (although his ex invited herself.) The difference is that my ex has no interest in being a big part of my personal life, as I have little interest in his. We have moved on. Oh, I didn't even mention that BF's ex is married to another and has been for over three years. And I don't live with him, this is just what I see when I am at his home.

 

I could probably name other weird things, but they don't really matter. I have never brought up any of this because I know who he is with (me) in every aspect. She may be a small part of his present, but she is a huge part of his past, and I am most definitely his present and future. My tongue used to be bruised from biting it. There is nothing inappropriate in his helping the mother of his child, I just haven't experienced that much help from my former mates. Although my ex did recently do some auto repair that I PAID him to do.

 

Different perspectives and different attitudes aren't always "wrong." But they sure are different! In case you are wondering, we will never have children together as I am sterile, so no begging for support payments for me.

[dropdeadlegs]

And everything D-Lish said, too!

[Arianna72]

Thank you so much for writing this D-Lish. I so know you are right but I needed someone to say that to me. I am trying to keep myself as busy as I can and my plan is to not give in to the urge to contact him at all, I certainly don’t want him to see me as unstable (though I suppose I am a bit right now). I really want him to contact me first.

 

I wish I would have just asked for space rather than telling him things were over between us. We talked for 3 hours and he certainly tried to get me to change my mind but I was steadfast in my resolve to do no-contact at all. At the time I was distraught and I wish I hadn’t done things that way but I can’t change it now. The thing is I have said I was done before simply because I realized I wanted more from the relationship than he did. He talked me out of it last time so I went over there with the resolve that if I was gonna do this I was going to do it without backing down. I didn’t fully realize my reasons even for doing it until I spent a few hours talking to my friend on the phone then I just wanted to share with him what her and I had talked about thus the letter. There is a lot more I want to say to him and I hope it is just a matter of him needing time to digest the letter.

 

I basically never “pour my heart out” like that with men so I am feeling really uncomfortable, nervous and just plain on edge right now. I really do want to believe I didn’t blow it by breaking things off or by sending the letter and I certainly don’t want to ruin things by pressuring him. I plan to hang out with my friends tomorrow evening but I admit I will probably be checking my phone often (and email while at work) though I will certainly try not to.

 

Again thank you.. and I will do my best to give him some space and take some to think about what I want to say and how I want to say it when we do talk again.

[Arianna72]

It is so great to read your story ddl, it definitely puts things into a different perspective than mine. He already saw me driving near his house today, as I had to go to the store. He basically lives on the main street that runs from my house into town and he is aware of this of course. I called him right after he saw me to let him know I sent the email; we had a pleasant but brief conversation. He never checks his email so I was going to wait to call him till later in the day but I wanted to let him know I was heading to the store so he wouldn’t think I was just driving by his house. (I needed to get more cookies and don’t worry I didn’t just blurt it out…he asked what I was up to).

 

He has tried to explain to me why it is important to him to maintain the relationship with her and on a logical level I understand but emotionally I hate it. I am sure that if I felt a bit more stable with our relationship it would not be nearly as difficult to deal with the whole ex thing but her being around just compounds my insecurities about the relationship. I hope someday I can get to the point you are at with the whole ex thing. I hope he gives me an opportunity to get to that point. I also understand what you are saying about that being so great about your BF, in some ways I feel the same way. That he still wants to help her out and that he still cares for her daughter are qualities I adore in him. What is really sad is that I am still friends with a couple of my ex’s and he seems fine with that. Of course none of them are coming by my house or even really calling me he and I just see them out on occasion (small town and all) and I have made it clear that I want to be with him.

 

I just need to convince myself that he will call. And of course I need to figure out what exactly I want to say to him when I do hear from him.

 

Thank you all for writing to me, I am sure I am going to be around on here and writing a lot over the next couple days till I hear from him. Thanks for listening and being supportive my friends and family only can handle so much of this talk hehe

[guin_girl]

I understand what you are saying I am just not sure what "taking a step back" entails or how to go about implementing whatever it entails. I wish I would have been a bit more patient as well. We have not been seeing each other that long and maybe the ex meeting me this weekend would have been an impetious for change if I had just waited to see what would happen next.

 

Arianna.... you are so right that our stories seem so close, in response to your post on my sit! I have the same "taking a step back" issue. We did that in December and now we are back to the same level again. I know I have to hold back on letting my feelings grow in order to not get hurt. I hope that stifling them won't stop things from progressing in the long run. I will not let myself completely fall for him and have a wall up like him. I honestly say less about feelings and emotions than he does. Although, I'm more than sure that my actions speak pretty loud. I'm a very affectionate person, and he's receptive about 80% of the time.

 

I'm proud that you are trying to take a stand for yourself. But like Tan said, I don't think you really need to go NC. Maybe do as me and my guy did and still have the phone/email communication and not actually see each other for a while. It was really hard, but he admitted that he did miss me and said that even though he didn't want one, that we are in a relationship. His choice/words not mine... I told him that until the divorce papers are signed, I can't think that way... (couple more weeks and it's final, yea)

 

I'm getting that panicky feeling now, so I can relate... my other post goes into detail... so I'm thinking that the no seeing contact may have to be in effect to help me be strong again. But we have plans for the next two weekends, and I really don't want to break them.

[Arianna72]

I think it is already to late for me in terms of the whole "falling for him" piece. He is just so unlike any of the men I have been with before, I should have seen this coming after the first couple weeks we were together and I certainly should have listened to him about the whole "not wanting a relationship right now" thing.

 

I am really starting to wish I hadn't gone back to his house and had the whole talk at all on Sunday. If I would have given myself even one day to think about it away from him I would have been a lot clearer in my head about what I wanted to do. Ohhh well, no going back now.

 

I know you guys have said I didn't ruin things but I am so so worried that I did. I know a big piece of why he doesn't want a relationship right now is that he is dealing with a whole slew of his own issues and doesn't want the complications that all relationship have. I know my concerns were valid and did need to be voiced but at the same time I have just heaped my issues onto him and we aren't in a "relationship". I worry that he is just going to decide that for right now being with me is just to "complicated" and I really didn't want it to be that way.

 

Ohh and of course still no phone call. And it seems the word is getting around in our lovely small town already that he and I had a "falling out". I got a call today from a guy I dated for a bit asking if I wanted to go have a drink tonight. He had heard things were "done" and was happy to "console" me... great!!

[Arianna72]

Well.. he just called me. Said when he went to check my email yesterday his internet wasn't working (forgot to pay bill) he read it today. He thanked me for writing it and said it was the nicest letter he has ever gotten from anyone. Umm... Okay.

 

He said he was very glad that I still wanted to be a part of his life and that he wanted to be a part of mine and that he was very sad when I had originally said I didn't want to talk to him. He made small talk with me for a bit and then said something about that he would really miss our relationship being the way it was and that it would be very hard for him to "just be friends" as well but that he understood why I felt that was best??? Gah.. that isn't really what I want.

 

Then he told me that he would be housesitting for Jennifer over the weekend while she was in California because her daughter didn't want to be up there by herself. Somehow I am left feeling just as crappy as I was Sunday before I went to his house to end things. Hearing him say that reminded me why I was considering no-contact. It just hurts that she is such a big part of his life when I want to be a bigger part of his life than I am.

 

He wants me to hang out with him for a bit before this weekend and I said I would. Of course we didn't say when and he did the whole well if I don't hear from you I will call you. He even recognized that wasn't really plans.. said something like "ahh real solid plans we made eh", I laughed and said well no not really. We talked a couple more minutes then hung up. Now I am left wondering if that means I should call him tomorrow to make specific plans or just wait and hope he calls me. I don't want to be totally disinterested but I thought it was pretty clear in my email that I wanted to be more than friends and that I was very interested so maybe I don't need to somehow "prove" that by calling him and I need to just leave the ball in his court for a while?

 

GAHHHHH!!! I hate this.

 

And of course I was honest and told him I was going to have a drink with the other guy tonight. Maybe I shouldn't have said that and I wonder if it is what turned the conversation into the whole "friends" thing? (I told him fairly early in the conversation as he asked me what my plans were for tonight) I don't want to date this other guy again he is just a friend now, I thought he knew that but the last thing he said to me before hanging up was "have fun with *** " in that kind of suggestive tone. Do I need to make it clear to him or??

[tanbark813]

I don't want to date this other guy again he is just a friend now, I thought he knew that but the last thing he said to me before hanging up was "have fun with *** " in that kind of suggestive tone. Do I need to make it clear to him or??

 

Only if you want things to stay as they are.

[D-Lish]

Here's the thing- if you want to be a part of his life, you are going to have to accept that the ex is going to be a part of his life too.

That just simply isn't going to change.

 

You didn't do the wrong thing by intimating that you had a date tonight. HE PALS AROUND WITH HIS EX.... so why would he see you meeting with yours a big deal?

 

If he doesn't feel able to be in a relationship at the moment, can you handle continuing being a FWB? Considering how you feel about him, I think it would be difficult.

 

I think it's obvious he likes you and cares for you deeply- but if he's not ready for a relationship and you are... remaining close to him is only going to end up hurting you.

 

I'd just continue to be patient for the time being and see how things unfold. Maybe if you guys meet up this weekend, you'll have a chance to have a face to face conversation that might reveal where he wants things to go between you.

 

It's great you told him you had plans tonight- it shows him you have a life outside of him... and that's an attractive quality.

 

:-)

D

[guin_girl]

It's a good sign that he called you, you didn't "ruin" anything... and obviously your friendship is important to him. He's been honest that he can't offer anything more at this time. Now that both of you have your cards on the table, you need to ask yourself if you can handle what's being dealt? Can you step back and just be a friend? As Dish said, it's hard to give more than you receive in this case, but if you can take a step back, date others, show that you aren't putting your life on hold for him, but are willing to give it a go when he's ready, and if YOU are still available, maybe you can maintain the friendship at this time. (hmmmm, now if I would only listen to myself )

[Arianna72]

After talking to him I am glad I sent the email and now "have all my cards on the table". However it seemed like we really didn't talk much about what I actually said in the email. I am glad he thought it was "nice" and all but what did he actually think of what I had to say. Hopefully we can talk about it a bit more.

 

You are right guin... now I just need to figure out "if I can "handle what is being dealt", and I am just not really so sure I can. I know I can't do it for long anyhow. For now I am going to take D-Lish's advice and be patient for a bit and see what happens over the next week or so.

 

It would appear that my choices are basically...

 

1. To remain FWB (or whatever we are) and probably continue having episodes where I feel like I can't do it anymore and just keeping that to myself as best I can. - This option seems fairly certain to end in me getting hurt

 

2. Try to just be friends and hang out with him occasionally and resist any temptations to bring things closer than that and likely pine away and wish that I could have more with him the whole time. I suppose this would also include dating other people though I am really not interested in doing so. - This option would probably be less likely to cause me to get hurt but I find it unlikely I could maintain this way for very long.

 

3. Go back to the whole NC or very limited contact and try to get over him. - I think I have already shown I am not quite ready for this yet.

 

Ohhh... and on that note should I just wait for him to contact me again or should I call him since he called me today.

[dropdeadlegs]

Arianna,

 

I don't have anything to offer that hasn't been said. Just wanted to say that I have followed your threads involving this man and that I am on your side.

 

It's usually not a mistake to say what you are feeling and back off from a person. Most of the time whatever caused that to take place would have happened anyway. I know it still hurts, and you can't help questioning yourself. For me there is a lot of flip-flopping - I wish I hadn't done that or waited - then the next day, I see that it was inevitable. I think that is somewhat natural to have conflicting thoughts.

 

Since you were not in a "relationship" I agree that telling him you would be having drinks with someone else was the right thing to do. Honesty is always best. He will see that you value time with him and at the same time will not be a wallflower in the dance we call life.

 

My Bf, the one with the ex-wife mentioned above had come out of a 6 year relationship that had been very on and off when we got together. He didn't spend any time with her or even talk to her anymore, and he thought he was ready for something new, but after 7 weeks he admitted he wasn't. that hurt me a lot, but I appreciated the honesty, and I really wanted to be loved like "that". Loved in a way that after a breakup it would take considerable time to get over what we had. So I saw that as a positive thing. I did some crazy things to maintain contact for nearly two months and I wish I hadn't done some of them because he needed time to sort himself out. My constant intrusion probably prolonged that process, keeping him confused. I eventually stopped contacting him, but always took his calls and answered his texts because I really wanted to be with him. After two months of that, we ended up getting together. He was ready to give me his all and that was just over two years ago.

 

He knew I was dating others. Maybe that made him think about what we had shared, I don't really know. I was simply honest when we spoke, which wasn't very often after my antics. When he called to ask me out for New Years Eve that said a lot to me, that he was ready for a fresh start.

 

I hope this will play out in a way that is acceptable to you. Take care of you first. It probably won't take long for you to know to proceed for the long run.

 

Wishing you luck and happiness.

[guin_girl]

Ohhh... and on that note should I just wait for him to contact me again or should I call him since he called me today.

 

Personally, I would let him make the call. That's where I am at now. I am not calling him, it's day 3... ugh... but I'm letting him make the contact right now. It's so hard, but in a way it protects me as I don't have that "unrequited contact" wondering why didn't he email back or call back.

[guin_girl]

I eventually stopped contacting him, but always took his calls and answered his texts because I really wanted to be with him. After two months of that, we ended up getting together. He was ready to give me his all and that was just over two years ago.

 

I didn't read your post DDL before I wrote the above, but I'm glad to know that my advice to Arianna (and myself) seems to be a good plan. Not that I'm "giving up", but that I'm allowing him to set the pace and giving him the space that he needs.