Tomcat33 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 What if he's seperated and recently moved out no contact was initiated by the OW because he was till in limbo greiving the termination of relationship but assuring that he does not want to go back. So NC with OW but the W is still in the picture trying to win him back (no kids in the picture)? How good can NC be in this case? He is vulnerbale and there has been a lot of grief w the OW because he is stuck in limbo so his latest memories with the OW are of all the fights over stunting the progress of the seperation?
ratingsguy Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I guess it depends what you mean by the word winning. In other words, what do you hope to accomplish? I'm in a similar situation (except my xMW and H don't want to get back together, but are amicable about everything). We're in a quasi-NC right now, as she feels she need to pull away for a while to see if the feelings she has for me are real... and to give herself time to go out and date. We are getting together tomorrow morning to talk some things out... and I guess figure out if we go NC or just talk very infrequently for the next few months. Oyster posted a link to a really good article about people who are recently separated. The bottom line of the article is that it is a very emotional time in their life irregardless of whether they wanted out of the relationship or not. Separating is a life changing event, and that person will need time to sort things out. I think in my situation, and likely in yours, as much as it will pain you, you need to allow your xMM to have some space. It may work out in the end, but probably won't if you get too involved at this stage of the game.
Author Tomcat33 Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 Thank you for sharing your insight Ratingsguy, that's very interesting what you said about giving them space I will defintely check out that aritcle. The truth is he does not want space he just wants to go full forec to continue our relationchip, it is I who puts the breaks on the rel progressing at this point since I feel we are not progressing in that he is living on his own for three months now assuring me he is not going back but not taking any steps to sit down with her and let her know that it is definitely over and he won't be going back. He tells me that she is still after him sending him emails once in a while trying see if she could win him back. I never asked exactly what she says nor is he sharing information but I do know she is gettin the impression there is still hope and this causes a lot of friction in our rel. because I cannnot relax and enjoy freely my time with him knowing that A he is still married, B is still leaving the door open for her to lead her on into thinking there could be hope of working out the marriage. He is the one that contacts me all the time and pursues me but I can't do this anymore I cannot take the stress and anxiety of wondering if he really does still want to go back or not. Even though he assures me he does not want to go back. He says he just needs time to grieve and accept that it is over to confront her for good. Well this is no good for me so I opted for no contact, DONE we're through. We have been through for 3 weeks and all I keep thinking is that he is in constant contact with her working things out and what good did NC do me since it may have pushed him back into her arms. He even had the gall to tell me that it was ME who wanted to break up and who's feelings had changed!?!? What a cop-out! So confused....
cbl Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Well this is no good for me so I opted for no contact, DONE we're through. We have been through for 3 weeks and all I keep thinking is that he is in constant contact with her working things out and what good did NC do me since it may have pushed him back into her arms. He even had the gall to tell me that it was ME who wanted to break up and who's feelings had changed!?!? What a cop-out! So confused.... honey, just like you said you are confused, i received mixed messages here. what is it that you really want from him by going NC? you said that you had enough, DONE you two are through so you go with NC. but now you are afraid that his wife will try to win him back while you two are not in contact? so what can NC do for you? a few things. first of all, during NC think about your feelings towards him. think about the reasons why you want to go NC with him in the first place - you want to go NC with him because he does not want to make the move to file a divorce and you had enough! NC means no contact, not go after what he has been doing, and whether he's still in contact with his wife or if they two go back together. everything is about you and MM not you and his wife (so set aside the feelings of being jealous and competitive... which is very natural for both the OW and BW) stay here. you'll find a lot of good advise and support here from people who are/were in the same situation.
Marielle Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 honey, just like you said you are confused, i received mixed messages here. what is it that you really want from him by going NC? you said that you had enough, DONE you two are through so you go with NC. but now you are afraid that his wife will try to win him back while you two are not in contact? so what can NC do for you? a few things. first of all, during NC think about your feelings towards him. think about the reasons why you want to go NC with him in the first place - you want to go NC with him because he does not want to make the move to file a divorce and you had enough! NC means no contact, not go after what he has been doing, and whether he's still in contact with his wife or if they two go back together. everything is about you and MM not you and his wife (so set aside the feelings of being jealous and competitive... which is very natural for both the OW and BW) stay here. you'll find a lot of good advise and support here from people who are/were in the same situation. Very good point CBL, I couldn't say it better!
puddleofmud Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 It depends on what you wish to accomplish (as the other posters have said). NC should not be used to "manipulate" but rather as a time for healing within one's self, finding some objectivity and clarity. However, I would agree that when one uses NC when worried to begin with or has major issues those worries/issues may not "quickly" disappear. Be kind to yourself and use this time of NC for YOU--whatever "they" are doing is completely out of your control and probably would be no matter what! Another consideration is that you have had three weeks and this same issue is still bothering you--could be a sign that your instincts were correct--that issue was one you could not bear--thus what you have done to take care of yourself may have been the right decision for you. Hang in there and stay strong!
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