shockandawed Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 This sucks, I have not spoke to my ex fiance since last Monday, when she gave me back my diamond. Last weekend my daughter ran into the old boyfriend of her daughter. She told me she was going to mention it to her daughter if she saw her online. Well apparently she did. Today, I get a nice email from the ex, stating she knows it not her business, but this boy is becoming quite a rebel and she wanted me to be aware. I sent a reply strictly thanking her for letting me know and that I appreciate it. Well, she sends another one, stating she saw I was online other day with a new avatar, have I met someone else?? I ignored it. Well, later today, she sends a third email with this boys myspace site and that there was a note from my daughter on it. I replied thanks again, I appreciate it. Well, then she sees me online and initiates conversation. Starts out amazing, she is asking about kids, etc..asked if I went to football game, sd no but watched it at friends bar. She said friend must hate her, then went on to say she never realized how much she would miss my friends. Started asking if I was seeing anyone, I kept deflecting, until I finally asked her why she wanted to know, told her I didnt think it was a good idea for ex's to exchange love life info. She went on to say she knew it wouldnt be long for some chick to realize what a great catch I was and snag me up. All kinds of mixed signals. All I said was I have had a strange week. She kept asking why and about if I was dating. Finally she said she had to go. Thanked me for chatting with her. I thanked her as well and told her I missed it. She then asked if I had any hits on my personals ad. I simply told her I removed it. she said was it because you had too many girls, I didn't answer, she then said, BTW, I am getting married in June and logged off. WTH?????? Of course, now I am freaked out. Why would she keep after me all day for contact, start an IM with glowing things about missing my friends and what a catch I am, then throw that she is getting married in June? I mean, what kind of person commits to marrying someone they have been dating a month. And only a month and half since breaking up with 3 year fiance. Damn, I was doing so much better.............RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
mav100 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 My .02... She is not getting married. She was upset with you because you deflected her advances like a champ, and said something she thought would hurt you, because how you handled things (by being apathetic) hurt her. I could be wrong, but thats my guess. Keep up the apathy with her.
CaliGuy Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 She is either getting married (and doing it far too soon so it will fail) or she is pulling your leg to get a reaction. Don't react. Keep up the NC and work on yourself. Keeping answers short, keeping the conversation light is important when contact does happen. Cheers.
Author shockandawed Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 Thanks guys. Of course, I have tried her cell 3 times since then. Just want to clear what that was all about. Is she hurting and upset because I was showing indifference, or was she just chomping at the bit to tell me she was getting married and pissed because I wouldn't give her the opportunity. I want her to know how desperate I think she is if she is committing herself to someone a month into it.
CaliGuy Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Thanks guys. Of course, I have tried her cell 3 times since then. Just want to clear what that was all about. Is she hurting and upset because I was showing indifference, or was she just chomping at the bit to tell me she was getting married and pissed because I wouldn't give her the opportunity. I want her to know how desperate I think she is if she is committing herself to someone a month into it. You were doing so good, why did you try and call her? It doesn't matter. She just wanted to get your goat and she did by telling you she is getting married. You called her three times. She knows you're still hooked now.
mav100 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 She knows you're still hooked now. I agree with CaliGuy on this one. Now she knows she got a rise out of you with her remarks - and this is exactly what you don't want her to think. Leave it alone for now. Don't contact her again. Take a "wait and see" attitude on it.
notmakingsense Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 A very similar thing happened to me with my ex... we had been NC for a few months when she sent me a note a few days before a concert we were supposed to go to before we broke up. She kept asking me if I was going with someone else, and when I evaded, she responded with a "well, I have plans this weekend anyway". Not exactly the same level as your ex claiming to be getting married, but the same idea -- she was trying to get a rise out of me. However, in my case, I actually did have a date -- and then told her so. You know what happened? She tried (and unfortunately succeeded) in roping me back in because she wasn't as in to this guy as she was with me -- even though she dumped me. That was one of several mistakes I made -- going back with her. I suppose you could lie and tell her you were calling her to tell her that you were evading because you didn't want to hurt her with the fact you are dating -- but, no, that would be evil and wrong Instead, just follow the others' advice. Chalk it up to experience and don't do it again.
Author shockandawed Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 It just gets stranger...... About 8PM tonight, she logs into IM. Very, very unusual for her. I bite and send an IM to her stating I am sorry if something I said hurt her. She replied she deserved it and was asking stuff that was none of her business. She said don't worry, she will never contact me again, told her that wasn't necessary. She then said I should go back to chatting with all my new "friends". I could tell she was upset, I asked her to call me so I could explain things better. She said no, but about 1 minute after logging off, she called. I told her I was confused about all the things, I was moving on like she said we should do, and now she seemed upset. She said it was impossible to forget all we had, that every weekend she doesnt have her daughter is real hard because the "shiftworker" she is dating has his kids on those weekends so she spends them all alone. WOW...I have posted here all the horrible ways I imagined her spending her time and it was nothing. Anyway, I told her she didn't sound too happy, no response, she did say something along the lines of making her bed, asked her if she wanted to live the rest of her life with regrets. no answer. admitted everything reminded her of me and our times together. Said not to worry, won't contact again, told not necessary. She said she needed to go because her daughter was home and hung up.
mav100 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 This may sound harsh, however, I want to be blunt so you understand what I'm saying. Also, please keep in mind this is only my opinion based on what I have read so far, and being human, I could be wrong. She is questioning her decision. That's quite obvious based on her actions. Here's the thing: Because she is questioning her decision and you can sense this, you are trying to cling to whatever you can. Don't do it. You CANNOT draw someone towards you who is questioning their decision the way she seems to be by trying to get them to move closer. You need to turn around and walk away. DO NOT initiate contact with her. If she initiates it, keep it short, and do not give out any information about yourself (or as little as possible), and do not ask any questions about her. You are pushing with your actions. Stop pushing, start pulling away. I'd say you may have a very good chance at getting her to turn around, but only if you play your cards right. Contacting her is not doing that. Believe me, its better to move back some now while there is still a chance to see if she'll turn around, then it is to keep trying to expidite things only to find you pushed her right to the other guy. I'm a prime example of this. Play it as you see fit, but again, thats my .02.... Good luck!
Author shockandawed Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 Thanks Mav, You know that is the advice I would give anybody else on here. I know it is correct. It is just damn hard, especially how hard headed I know she is. I do feel like she has opened a very small window and that it is my time to pull her through it. But I hear you and realize this is most likely because I have had some strength to appear to be moving on.
RocketMan2 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I remember someone giving me some good advice once... The only solution is to try to focus on you and your needs. Damn hard, I know, but it's what you have to do. Everyday seems to get a slight bit better!!!
Author shockandawed Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 OK, ice is breaking, now what??? Chatted online a little this morning, great, she apologizes for last night, small talk for awhile. She mentions I probably enjoy seeing her miserable, ask what she means, eventually says because the grass isnt greener on the other side. I told her often that is not the case, asks about parents, then says they probably hate her, reassured, asked about certain friends, again, said they probably hate her, reassured again, told her I didnt throw her under the bus with anybody. She thanked me. Later admitted she missed specific things we did, I told her I did too. Also told her I wished she had some positive friends to help her with things, she agreed. Ended on an upbeat note and wished me a safe trip. Ok, she is obviously cracking, not sure NC is the way now as I sense she is looking for a hole to jump through. Do I reach out or continue to be cautious. I don't want to lose this opportunity.
RocketMan2 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Ok, she is obviously cracking, not sure NC is the way now as I sense she is looking for a hole to jump through. Do I reach out or continue to be cautious. I don't want to lose this opportunity. Be careful not to appear to be pitying her, or to become her 'friend'. You really are just gonna have to run with it, but 'cautious' is the word. You dont want to force anything, but at the same time you dont want to appear apathetic. Its a fine line.... Good luck
CaliGuy Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 OK, ice is breaking, now what??? Chatted online a little this morning, great, she apologizes for last night, small talk for awhile. She mentions I probably enjoy seeing her miserable, ask what she means, eventually says because the grass isnt greener on the other side. I told her often that is not the case, asks about parents, then says they probably hate her, reassured, asked about certain friends, again, said they probably hate her, reassured again, told her I didnt throw her under the bus with anybody. She thanked me. Later admitted she missed specific things we did, I told her I did too. Also told her I wished she had some positive friends to help her with things, she agreed. Ended on an upbeat note and wished me a safe trip. Ok, she is obviously cracking, not sure NC is the way now as I sense she is looking for a hole to jump through. Do I reach out or continue to be cautious. I don't want to lose this opportunity. If you must break NC, then my best advice to you is always keep the conversations positive. Never bring up anything that could start an argument or any resentment. Make every interaction a positive one because that is what she'll remember about you. Make yourself busy and don't always be available. You have a life, remember? Continue to focus on yourself and work on self-improvement. You don't need her, you just want her. But remember that you are worthy and of value. If an ex doesn't see that, it's not your fault nor does it make you any less valuable. Someone else will see you're a catch as long you believe it yourself (with humbleness and not arrogance, I might add). Cheers.
Davis Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Hey Shock. IMO, I would not be communicating with her regardless of if she initiated it or not. To me, NC not only means No Contact, but also NO COMMUNICATION. I think you are grasping at straws. You are trying to rationalize that she has left a small "window" that you have to pull her through. That's BS. She throws out some "bait" and you bite. You don't have to "pull" her through the window, she has to come to the point that she realized that you are what she wants and she has to open the door and fight to get back into your life. Your could easily take her off your friends list on IM. You could block her email or send it to a differnt folder and not read it. IMO again, she is stringing you along and trying to make herself feel better and you are letting her get away with it. I know you want some type of contact with her. Take my advise: stop it! You already know you're going backwards and not getting over her by doing this. If you goal is to get her back, you need to stop communicating with her and she is going to have to work HARD to get you back and make amends. You are still letting her stay in the driver's seat and control the situation. I made a mistake when I took my ex back. Several people on here told me not to go back so fast and not to let her back in so easily. I did it anyway. She never respected me and ended up cheating on me. I think you have given her way to much information, you've been way to forthright and you've made it too easy on her. Regardless if you want her back or not, continue with NC!! She seems to be making half-ass attempt to get you back into her life. Go back to No communication and hang in there!
Author shockandawed Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 Be careful not to appear to be pitying her, or to become her 'friend'. You really are just gonna have to run with it, but 'cautious' is the word. You dont want to force anything, but at the same time you dont want to appear apathetic. Its a fine line.... Good luck Indeed it is Rocket, knowing her, these are huge confessions. The grass isn't greener?? Unbelievable!! I am holding back contacting her abruptly. If you must break NC, then my best advice to you is always keep the conversations positive. Never bring up anything that could start an argument or any resentment. Make every interaction a positive one because that is what she'll remember about you. Make yourself busy and don't always be available. You have a life, remember? Continue to focus on yourself and work on self-improvement. You don't need her, you just want her. But remember that you are worthy and of value. If an ex doesn't see that, it's not your fault nor does it make you any less valuable. Someone else will see you're a catch as long you believe it yourself (with humbleness and not arrogance, I might add). Cheers. Agreed wholeheartedly! I gave her generic descriptions of girls I have gone out with and described some events I have been to. It is apparent I am living more than she is. Hey Shock. IMO, I would not be communicating with her regardless of if she initiated it or not. To me, NC not only means No Contact, but also NO COMMUNICATION. I think you are grasping at straws. You are trying to rationalize that she has left a small "window" that you have to pull her through. That's BS. She throws out some "bait" and you bite. You don't have to "pull" her through the window, she has to come to the point that she realized that you are what she wants and she has to open the door and fight to get back into your life. Your could easily take her off your friends list on IM. You could block her email or send it to a differnt folder and not read it. IMO again, she is stringing you along and trying to make herself feel better and you are letting her get away with it. I know you want some type of contact with her. Take my advise: stop it! You already know you're going backwards and not getting over her by doing this. If you goal is to get her back, you need to stop communicating with her and she is going to have to work HARD to get you back and make amends. You are still letting her stay in the driver's seat and control the situation. I made a mistake when I took my ex back. Several people on here told me not to go back so fast and not to let her back in so easily. I did it anyway. She never respected me and ended up cheating on me. I think you have given her way to much information, you've been way to forthright and you've made it too easy on her. Regardless if you want her back or not, continue with NC!! She seems to be making half-ass attempt to get you back into her life. Go back to No communication and hang in there! Davis, I know we are on similar paths. Before today, there was bait. Like I said, for her to blatantly admit some of things she said, and the constant worry what my family and friends think, tells me she is regretting. I am not going to call her tonight and beg her back, but I am going to keep the window ajar, continue what I am doing and maintain positive and upbeat conversations with her.
Author shockandawed Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Ok everyone, Had another nice IM this morning. More of the same, very, very positive. I was out with an old friend of mine last night. She thinks very highly of him. He was telling stories from a weekend we all had together. Her and another friend of mines wife really hit it off. They both ended up with too much wine and got sick, etc.... I was relaying this story to her today and she said it reminded her of awesome memories. We chatted very easily, just like we did when we first met. I did make some jokes about where do you like to eat? etc..things we did at the beginning. She seemed to take them all very well. I advised her the friends wife would be a great person to talk to..they really did click and she is such a great person, would be someone she could talk to and get some serious advice. At first, she was hesitant but by the end, she wanted her phone number. I am not getting my hopes up but things are really turning around. The temptation is so hard to reach and grab, but I am going to force myself to stay this path. Daily IMs, light and funny, small doses of memories, flirtations, etc....I have a date tomorrow evening that I will keep. If the progress continues, I will have to make a move at some point but I am going to force myself to stay slow. Man, it is hard. The tips to getting your ex back are amazing, and a great read. I really needed to see that. Keep the encouragment up...and any prayers you may have.....
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