Is_there_no_hope Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 i'm 27 and she's 25 ...we've been together for over 5years very happily - or so i thought - I am a good man, she's fantastic, i treated her with respect without sacrificing any of my self respect.......we've travelled the world together and loved every moment of it........also we more or less grew up together so we are best friends as well........ I've always thought of her as my future wife and i was honestly going to propose real soon.......then i sense somethings wrong and i ask "do you love me?" .......there was no answer for about a minute .......she ended up bursting into tears and telling me she's "confused" and shes not sure if shes "in love" with me .....WHAT???!!!..........from that moment on my whole world has come crashing down.......we spent a week or so talking it through all to no avail(i stll felt she was hiding something from me) then i look through her phone and see a call from a guy at 23:49.....i asked her if she knew someone called "###" and she swore blind she didnt..then i checked her emails(regretably) and found out she'd been flirting big time with him........i confront her and she confesses that "it just felt nice for someone else to be attracted to her"........ even after all this i still love her and want to make it work but she insists she is "confused".......i tell her to tell me either way because i'll just keep fighting for us but she cant and she decides to end it..needless to say i am shattered but i eventually stopped calling her (before i was told to by her) I'm in tenth day of NC(boy it hurts), i've been reading threads from this site and it has really helped me to get a sense of perspective on the whole situation "THANK YOU LOVESHACK!!!"......however, from reading everyone else's dilemas, it seems to me like a vicious circle relationship - break-up(maybe) - NC - back together(hopefully) - Breakup(maybe) whatever happened to loyalty huh?.......the worst thing about my situation is that whether or not i get back with her or whomever i'm with, i'd just be expecting the next breakup....... i look at her grandparents(they've been together for over 40 yrs) and i think WOW!! have i got anychance of living a life like that....... i think our generation is doomed because of all the pressures put on a relationship by society........ IS THERE NO HOPE?????!!!!!
myhotrod123456789 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 i felt bad reading this.. mostly because it sounds so similar to my situation. both the same age. together for 5 years as well. i didn't have the evidence that you had to see an exact reason. sometimes i wish i did because it would make a little more sense to me. there are other guy friends that my ex had that she was very talkative with and i knew they were into her... but i digress. anyways, it does suck. ive become much more cynical about relationships in general after all this stuff went down with me. because things were really perfect for 4 years. does she need to date someone for 6 years to see if its better? annnnnnnnyways. im sure there is hope. its just right now, we are both blinded by the trainwreck. hope to hear updates from you in the future.
notmakingsense Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Of course there is hope... just maybe not with her. You even cited the example of her grandparents. Times are changing, many people get confused -- thinking that they should wait before settling down too soon, marrying later, and so on. Neither you or her have been with anyone else since 20/22 years old.... You are doing the right thing by giving her space and staying no contact. She may return to you, but at this point, in order for you to trust that she's past her confusion, it has to be of her own initiative -- not of your urging/pressuring. 10 days is NOTHING... .but don't wait for months and months though. Concentrate on yourself, friends, hobbies/work, etc. Work out and be social -- rebuild your self-esteem and be prepared to open your heart to others.
Touche Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Hey, as a female I can completely understand. I broke a few hearts myself. The fact of the matter is that I was not the same person from the age of 20 to 25. I wanted a totally different kind of guy. Don't take it personally...you were both too young or at least she was/is, to be so serious at that stage. It almost never lasts. I hope you heal quickly and that you meet the right one when it's the right time.
D-Lish Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I can emphathize with your situation. The same thing happened with my ex husband and I. We were best friends, did everything together, loved each other dearly...then one day he came home from a 6 week business trip and said he wasn't sure if he was "in love with me" anymore. He said he still loved me- but just couldn't figure out if he was in love anymore. Where your situation differs from mine is that him and I remained embroiled in a relationship limbo for two years after that conversation. I know it's no consolation at this point- but it truly is better to be in NC with your SO than in constant contact. The fact that you aren't in contact will help you both to think clearer, put things into perspective...and of course, move on easier if need be. Sometimes, once the passion aspect dwindles, people get confused about their feelings. We take all our romantic ideals from Hollywood movies- where everything is perfect all the time, and the guy always gets the girl back and vice-versa. Love isn't like that in the real world. there are obstacles and pinnacles and lulls... The truth is that the notion of forever doesn't mean what it used to- mostly because it's easier to walk away from a relationship than it was 30 years ago. Use this time apart to do things for yourself. Work on what you feel is flawed about you- get to the gym or join a new social group- anything to get you out and keep you from dwelling. I wish you luck, D
Author Is_there_no_hope Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 first of all, thanks to everyone who replied....a few thoughts based on your reply myhotrod - i/we are blinded by thetrainwreck that is "confused", if there is any updates, positive or not, you'll be the first to know Touche - "The fact of the matter is that I was not the same person from the age of 20 to 25. I wanted a totally different kind of guy." does this mean then that after every 5 years people should simply move on? because i've also changed in that period and i'm sure i'll change another 5 years down the line.....is there an expiry date on relationships based on the maturity of each person involved?.....i'm not trying to be rude or cynical......."confused" just doesnt make any sense to me d-lish - thanks for your well wishes, and yes, i have been trying to rediscover me.................... i hope we all find happiness in the end
Touche Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 first of all, thanks to everyone who replied....a few thoughts based on your reply myhotrod - i/we are blinded by thetrainwreck that is "confused", if there is any updates, positive or not, you'll be the first to know Touche - does this mean then that after every 5 years people should simply move on? because i've also changed in that period and i'm sure i'll change another 5 years down the line.....is there an expiry date on relationships based on the maturity of each person involved?.....i'm not trying to be rude or cynical......."confused" just doesnt make any sense to me d-lish - thanks for your well wishes, and yes, i have been trying to rediscover me.................... i hope we all find happiness in the end Yes, it DOES mean that after 5 years you should move on since she is not at your maturity level. You're clearly ready for a commitment that she's not ready for. It's not that unusual at that age to NOT be ready. I can't answer your question about an "expiry" date...It's not really a matter of that. It's a matter of being at the same stage/maturity level at the same time...a tricky thing that. To generalize though, I'd say that MOST people, not all, are mature enough and know themselves and what they want in a partner by the time they reach their early 30's. I do wish you the best and I'm sorry that this happened to you.
PussInHeels Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Hey, as a female I can completely understand. I broke a few hearts myself. The fact of the matter is that I was not the same person from the age of 20 to 25. I agree...when I was 20, people always said I was so mature, and now, only 4 years later, I'm a completely different person. Mature or no, a lot of things can happen from 20 to 25. I'm not saying this excuses her handling of the situation (it would have been better for her give you a heads up to her thoughts), but people have a tendency to change. This doesn't mean it's hopeless. She might get her thoughts straightened out and want to come back, but I would be careful of how long I wait for that. Waiting for someone past a certain point becomes unhealthy. You may need to accept that despite your 5 years together, both of you may end up with other people. Good luck and remember how finite life is.
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