Need support

[flowerfairy142]

I'm having some trouble with my fiance. I hope it's not too serious but it's really just enough to sometimes wonder if it's something I need to put up with. I appreciate the interest you have shown by reading this and truly value any advice.

 

His grandfather died almost 2 years ago and ever since he's kind of morphed into a different person. My fiance never knew his father and lived with his grandparents/mom/aunt/adopted sister (super close family) and so his grandpa was a father figure to him. Basically after this wonderful man passed on, my fiance has kind of taken things out on ME. His adopted sister (technically his cousin because his aunt adopted her at age 5 from mexico) also rebeled in quite a way...she secretly married her boyfriend a few months ago and is now 3 months pregnant (she's only 20): an extreme shock and dissapointment to the family (especially my fiance, he can't even look at her anymore, they are on awful terms and the family never liked her boyfriend to begin with. Yes, sounds straight out of a soap opera doesn't it?)

Even though his family has suffered turmoil with the grandfather dying and this girl pulling this stunt, I've always been there to emotionally support them (we get along great) and especially HIM. But my fiance has never really been one to tell me when things are going wrong. I've always been the one to tell him MY problems but he still wants me to believe his life is perfect. It dissapoints me that he thinks he's too "macho" to actually come down and let me offer my emotional support. (maybe its just a guy thing?) I never saw him cry when his grandpa died (but his aunt told me he broke down crying right in front of her in the elevator about an hour before I arrived at the hospital when we heard the news his grandpa was breathing his final breaths). Oh and he's never spoken to me about his sister. He just doesn't want to.

But what bothers me most is that I recently started grad school. He's finishing his MBA in the summer, but he's upset I started grad school because he wants to get married like the end of this year or beginning of next...but my program will take a year and a half to complete. I don't want to get married until I finish my degree, so I'm looking at 2009 realistically (I want to save up more money, plan an awesome wedding, and just be a little more mature, I'm only 23) and he clearly stated he does not want to be the one to pay for my Master's degree. I have NEVER even thought of having him pay for it...my parents paid for my undergrad degree and they've encouraged me to continue my education and are gladly paying for it. (in a few months though I'm getting Tuition Reimbursement since I work at the university so I'll give them a break; at least I'm considerate) I have always believed it's the parents OBLIGATION to provide their children with proper education (my family has always said that), especially if they can afford it and are encouraging it. It will also be odd if I get married and STILL have my parents pay for my school so I'd rather wait until I finish my career. He also kind of puts me down by saying I don't have the proper business foundation to succeed in this program (I majored in psychology and now my master's is in business management). He's a born business man and says the only valid business degree is an MBA, blah blah. Sometimes I feel he's just "threatened" maybe, that I'm also getting an advanced degree. I do NOT want to be a housewife 100%...I want to be a career woman AND a mother and I know that's what he wants too...but then why does he demean my pursuing this degree? He says I'm just fine with a Bachelor's degree. But a Bachelor's degree in Psychology won't get me anywhere especially now that I've changed my career plans.

I want to start my own business someday but he says I do not need a Masters degree to acomplish that successfully and that I'm only wasting my parents' money and that I'll end up in debt if they decide not to pay for school (it unfortunately happened during my undergrad, i got in a fight with my mom and she actually didn't pay my college for two pay periods...i needed to seek help from my super-rich grandparents who gladly helped. My fiance utterly critisizes my mom for doing that and my dad for allowing it...saying those aren't PARENTS. Yes it DID hurt but things are different now). My fiance says to watch out because history repeats itself and he does not want to be stuck with my education bill when we get married. We had this big argument and I stated that as a matter of pride I won't accept one single penny he should ever choose to give me for my education...I'll take out loans first. We left it at that. Even though it has NEVER occured to me that he should ever pay for my education, his attitude did indeed hurt me.

 

I also think my fiance is in some kind of "competition" with his sister/cousin because she's planning a church wedding next year (they got married legally but his family still wants to give her a big church ceremony with reception...they like extravagance and my fiance is totally against the idea because she's already going to have the baby, etc. and says it's ridiculous)...and I already told him that "no, we aren't getting married in 2008 she's getting married that year, leave that year for HER. We can have 2009".

My fiance has also taken a habit to unfairly insult my family whenever he gets a chance...and I think it's to kind of compensate for the dissapointment he feels for his sister's actions and maybe even his grandpa's death (again, his attitude has change a bit since he died). It's very immature of him, I know...and it's sad because we are suppose to SUPPORT each other, and not bear criticisms. (I in turn critisize his sister for her actions only to get back at him. It IS sad).

We've been together 7 years. He loves me, I know. I love him too. We talk about marriage and our future together and kids all the time. Other than these things, we are a happy couple. It's just when he gets in that "mood" that he gets unbearable. I know there isn't a perfect relationship but I do think every relationship demands respect and maturity.

 

 

I'm sorry this got a little long and I sure hope I get some advice. I know some key things here relate to him maturing a little more and me sitting down and having a talk with him (another thing guys dread, huh). I cannot bear the thought of leaving him, but I don't want to suffer with this type of attitude he gives me. He's very judgemental and critical.

[norajane]

You can't make him come to you for emotional support. Some men find it hard to let down their guard. That will come over time, and with some more maturity.

 

Do not get married until you two sort out your expectations of what you will do with your education after you get married. You said you want a career - does he want you to have a career? Or is he expecting to be the breadwinner while you care for the household and children?

 

I think he's being an ass about the school expenses. No one has asked him to pay anything, yet he's made it such a huge deal about how he's not going to pay a dime. Why is he so upset about this? Is he threatened by your success and plans?

 

When you get married is much less important than what you envision for your married lives together. Forever is a very long time. I think it's wise to wait until you're done with school. That will give you two time to work out some of these issues.

 

Make sure you are discussing how finances will be handled in your marriage, how you will handle conflict, making big decisions, splitting up housework, caring for children, where you will live, what kind of home and how to save for it...

[MoonGirl]

Hi flowerfairy,

 

You're smart to wait to get married. 23 is very young and you still have your whole adult life ahead of you. You are also right to not want judgement and criticism from your fiance. Marriage is supposed to be a commitment of love, acceptance, security, etc, and not about control, judging, abuse, etc.

 

BEFORE you get married, be sure that you can gain the respect and love you deserve from your fiance. Be mature and treat him the way you expect to him to treat you (that includes NOT insulting his sister/cousin). Remind him that you are not just his girlfriend, but also an individual human with individual desires, dreams, and goals.

 

Your fiance needs to reassess the way he treats you. You are not on this planet for him to put-down, manipulate, control, criticize, and judge. Your relationship with your parents is between you and them, and your fiance should not be interfering with that relationship unless you ask him to, especially when it bothers you.

 

It seems that your fiance is trying very hard to control you. By criticizing your parents, he may be attempting to isolate you from them. Does he criticize your friends too?

 

I have to admit that I am very biased because my marriage to a controlling man ended up being a very bad thing for me and my children.

 

Before you get married, please read:

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray (this may help you understand why your guy doesn't share feelings) and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond." by Patricia Evans.

[Walk]

Potentially....

 

Your bf may be feeling a little like he isn't matching up to expectations he's set for himself. Maybe with the death of his grandfather, he's become aware he only has a limited amount of time to "be someone". Maybe that someone he is right now, isn't really what he envisioned himself as. If expectations aren't living up to reality, he might be feeling unhappy with life in general. No real ability to pinpoint a specific area since things are good, but yet still feeling as if it's not quite right.

 

Potentially, if he feels less about himself, then fear of losing you to a more successful man might be present. Attempts at keeping you closer to him by demeaning a graduate program where you WOULD meet lots of professionally minded men who could be very successful.

 

Combine with that the fact that your parents and grandparents are either very well off to extremely rich, might make him feel insecure about his abilities to provide for you a life in which you'll have the things you want and need. Not to mention, if you attain a masters in business, you probably won't need him to help you, in which case you can dump him and find someone better.

 

Then you tell him you don't want to get married for another couple years, you don't like the ring he gave you, and you're bad mouthing his sister/cousin.

 

He might be feeling a bit vulnerable, and unable to talk to you about it, and you're inadvertantly adding to that feeling. If that is the case, then the only way around it is by talking to him.. He's human, you know he has a heart. He probably feels insecurity and pain just like the rest of us. Most people hide pain by covering it with anger or hostility. It's usually our knee jerk reaction when emotionally vulnerable and hurt.

 

Try asking him what's going on.. like "I've noticed you seem hestitant about me going going to graduate school. Is it because (then list one alternative that you think it could honestly be) or because you (list a second alternative that shows you realize there could be other things going on in his life that don't involve him hating you)"

 

Maybe reasons such as does he feel you would place to great of a financial harship on the relationship, or is he worried that it might not lead you in the direction you really want to go in life... Try to place yourself in his shoes. See things from his eyes a moment, and really see thigns from his side. Then ask questions to clarify anything that might be hazy when you try to see things from his side.

 

Just some thoughts to ponder. Maybe some thing to stimulate conversations with your bf.

[flowerfairy142]

Thank you to all who replied to my post. You all pointed out key and unique matters that I did not ever think of. I've always wondered if indeed he feels a little threatened by the fact that I am also getting a degree, but he has made it perfectly clear that he wants me to be a working wife too (and I am all for it because the last thing I want in my marriage is for my husband to think he needs to make ALL the choices because he is the SOLE breadwinner...no way. I want to both be a career woman as well as a good mom). As a person who attained an undergraduate degree in Psychology, I should put my degree to some more use

His family and my family are in the same economic status, and yes...I have been told he has demonstrated some insecurity about how well he can be able to continue to live the lives we both are accustomed to (especially my own...I am used to having 2 maids cook, clean, laundry and the like cater to us. I am a little ashamed to say I do NOT know how to do my own laundry lol). But my fiance has demonstrated that indeed he wishes to continue this lifestyle and I am all for it...but the last thing i want to be is a gold-digging trophy wife.

The reason I am pursuing a Master's degree is for MY own self satisfaction. Yes, he IS a little skeptical because as an Undergraduate student I changed my degree 3 times: interior design, nursing and then psychology...and in my senior I wanted to change to business but realized I only needed 4 psych classes to graduate so I took up a business minor instead. So I can see his point about critisizing me saying I still don't know what I want (and I truly hope this field IS my calling, which for now is looking extremely bright)

It's true...I need to stop critisizing his sister/cousin to try and "get back" to him since he likes to critisize my family. Sometimes I HAVE wondered whether he wants to isolate me completely from my family in order to lure me into his little family circle. I wouldn't say he is ABNORMALLY close to his mom, aunt and grandma but he sure is closer than I ever expected a guy at age 24 to be. In fact, his family is the one that tries to sort of "push him away" but he's the one that usually is like "oh lets go out to dinner with them" or "let me call them and see where they are" sort of thing. Yes, his family does it too but not ridiculously. They're usually like "Ok, go....have fun!" "We'll meet you later, or tomorrow, etc"

Although I love his family, I really dread the thought that when we do get married, I won't be the priority as I should be but rather THEY will. (I feel like that now). But what consoles me is that if he is so attentive and caring to them, I know he will continue to display those affections to me later on in life (he IS very affectionate and helpful to me).

Thank you for the book recommendations. I will certainly pick those up!! My "problem" is that he is the only steady boyfriend I have ever had so that can kind of work against me (well, I am also his first girlfriend so I guess that also plays a factor).

Yes, my fiance does display some insecurity and maybe that is just it. I really do need to try and talk to him about it and see if he's willing to open up I guess.

Again what still hurts me is that without me even insinuating that he'd ever pay a dime towards my education he flat out said he wouldn't. It WAS a bit rude of him to act that way but maybe there underlying reasons...he actually said I should get a masters in Psychology better that business. (maybe because like 95% of the students are women? lol) But why get a degree that I just don't see myself practicing?

Or maybe he doesn't like the idea that I am also gearing towards business like him. He has a wonderful knack for business (growing up in a profusely business environment) but he also knows I AM smart. I really doubt he is "threatened" by me...an amateur and newcomer into the business world, but then again...who knows?

 

Thank you sooooo much for your feedback. You all are absolutely wonderful and caring people.

[MoonGirl]

Although I love his family, I really dread the thought that when we do get married, I won't be the priority as I should be but rather THEY will. (I feel like that now). But what consoles me is that if he is so attentive and caring to them, I know he will continue to display those affections to me later on in life (he IS very affectionate and helpful to me).

 

Hi flowerfairy,

I'm glad you got something out of our posts. I just wanted to point out that you can never expect your boyfriend to become as attentive to you as you feel he is to his family. You can't expect something you dislike to get better AFTER you get married. If your significant other is not providing something you need or desire before you're married, chances are that you will not get it after you're married either. Make sure you think about this carefully, and make sure you have what you need and desire emotionally BEFORE you get married.

[flowerfairy142]

That's true...that's what everyone keeps telling me. Thank you so much.

 

It's sometimes difficult to talk to him because of the way he reacts.

I think maybe he is feeling a little vulnerable because of the way I am acting, and I may not even realize what feelings I am provoking. I think that he expected us to get married this year but I flat out don't want to get married until I get some things straight in my life. And forget next year...his sister/cousin of age 20 is having that year and I just don't want to share. I'm looking at the beginning of 2009 because I want a winter wedding. I really WANT to marry him and I DO talk to him about stuff like what church, where we want the reception, etc. The last thing I want is for him to think I am unsure about marrying him and that is why I am pushing it behind. What's wrong with trying to get an advanced degree, pay of credit card bills and save up money? I need at least 2 years to complete those things. And it also takes time to prepare a good wedding, honeymoon AND not to mention find a good apartment/house.

 

And I HAVE tried talking to him about the plans he has for us. Just after we got engaged I logically started asking him questions like "So when do you want to get married? When do we start looking for apartments/houses? Do you believe we are financially stable?" but he just goofed off those questions and never really gave me a concrete answer after attempting to talk about this several times. That really annoyed me so I took matters into my own hands. I thought "Well, if he won't give me an answer, and I myself want to wait another 2 years we'll just go my way...and in the meantime I'll make use of my time by working full-time and pursue a graduate degree." (plus I WORK at my school and I get Tuition Assistance...I'd be stupid NOT to take the opportunity!) We got engaged in November so all the month of December I applied, took exams and got accepted and told him about it one week before class started. Plus my parents and grandparents were really pushing me to get an advanced degree and complete it BEFORE I get married, just for my own benefit, self-esteem and security. I think I am doing things correctly.

 

How do I approach him? I love him to death and am willing to do what is necessary to make our relationship work even better.

My family keeps telling me to like do something drastic to have him realize the kind of girlfriend he has (not to praise myself or anything but I really do think I am an excellent girfriend and will make an excellent wife and my god, I try hard but with so much love!)...to kind of give him a little taste of "you don't know what you have until you loose it". But I AM a wuss...I HATE being in an argument with him and so I usually avoid getting mad at him even when he deserves it...so I guess I really am to blame because I let him walk all over me. I am afraid of loosing him...but I think HE is the one that should be afraid of loosing ME.

THank you SO much for everything! Such lovely people indeed.

[bab]

I just wanted to point out that if you take out loans and then get married, you and your fiance will be paying for the education. I don't think his fears are justified, but I'm just saying that it doesn't makes sense to say that he wouldn't have to pay for them, you'd take out loans. Loans gotta be repayed, and in a marriage, that means both of you are doing it.

[MoonGirl]

Things will never change unless both of you are willing to work on your relationship and communication. I suggest starting with "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". You should read it and he should read it too.

 

You have to learn how to communicate your needs/desires in a way he will understand or you will never be happy in your relationship. You also need to know how to make yourself happy and not rely on him for happiness. He needs to do the same.

 

You can reassure him of how much he means to you, but that you're still going to persue your business degree because that's what you want to do. You can say things like, "I am so happy that you support me" when you feel supported, or "I love that you're already so knowledgeable in business so you can support me with my classes."

[flowerfairy142]

Oh...really? I guess I don't know much about loans because fortunately I have never had to take out any but I guess then I won't...since it means he'll have to pay too. Thanks for the tip

[flowerfairy142]

Maybe reasons such as does he feel you would place to great of a financial harship on the relationship, or is he worried that it might not lead you in the direction you really want to go in life... Try to place yourself in his shoes. See things from his eyes a moment, and really see thigns from his side. Then ask questions to clarify anything that might be hazy when you try to see things from his side.

 

Hmmm...this really gets me thinking. You make an excellent point. I'm just hurt that he doesn't support my decision to get into business...but he suggests I go into Psychology as a Masters! I don't understand him. Is he "jealous" because suddendly I'm interested in business like he is? He started critisizing me on Sunday saying I don't know the first thing about business and how do I expect to succeed in this program, and that it isn't even a real program because it isn't an MBA...I told him all I want is a Master's degree because first of all its for my OWN satisfaction and benefit. He actually suggests I go BACK and get my UNDERGRAD in business. But why go back when I can move FORWARD?

Even though I really want to marry him, I think maybe he thinks we should get married right away. But I'm turning 24 next month and he's turning 25...I want to wait until 2009. By then I would've finished my degree (and paid it off since my parents are already generously helping me) but he still thinks that they'll do what they did to me in my undergrad...cut me off for a while because of a stupid reason. While I understand his concern, I really wish he wouldn't be such an ******* about the whole situation.

 

Thank you so much for reading and caring about my problem. It feels better to talk about this to strangers than people who actually know us because that way there won't be any bias.

 

Thanks again, I appreciate ANY advice