Davis Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Yesterday I saw my ex and her new bf driving in her car. Barf. I knew she had a new guy (she fooled around with him before we broke up several weeks ago), but I haven't seen them together. Guess I hoped it wasn't working out for them. This is a shtty feeling! She has a new guy, is all happy and moving on with her life, he's banging her and here I am feeling like sh**t. She has a history of being a tramp and jumping from guy to guy, even at 34 years old, but still it's no fun. How have you dealt with seeing your exes with their new S.O.?
Dadaal Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Tie your desire and love at this moment, this woman will come back you after she gets what she wants.....be patient
Author Davis Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Dadaal. I'm not sure I'm following you. She cheated on me because she wanted him. They have so much "chemistry" together. So, what is it that she wants, strange dick and then she'll be back?? Why would she come back?
Speedo Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Dadaal. I'm not sure I'm following you. She cheated on me because she wanted him. They have so much "chemistry" together. So, what is it that she wants, strange dick and then she'll be back?? Why would she come back? whether she comes back or not isn't the real question. The question is why in the hell would you want her back?
Author Davis Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Speedo: that's just what I was thinking. Why would I want her back? Especially after she cheated on me and dumped me for this other guy. Not to mention the fact that she is "fixed" and is now having unprotected sex with him. It still is a shtty feeling to see your ex with someone else.
guin_girl Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 yes it does suck... sucks the wind right out of you, I know. But think about the fact, he didn't get any real prize... just a lying cheater... maybe he did you a favor in the long run...
Author Davis Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Hey Guin. Yes, I feel like I got kicked in the stomach. You're right and I keep trying to focus on the fact that she is a cheating, lying ho with a binge drinking problem. This is the second time she has cheated on me with another guy, dumping me and going with the new guy (i know, shame on me). I guess I'm just struggling with now they're together 24/7 and i'm left picking up the pieces. I don't think she's a prize either .... so why does it hurt and why do I bother thinking about it??
Poboy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 well she will more or less move to some other guy and her current bf would be in same position like you ... does she even deserve being in your mind ... remember this
Speedo Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Hey Guin. Yes, I feel like I got kicked in the stomach. You're right and I keep trying to focus on the fact that she is a cheating, lying ho with a binge drinking problem. This is the second time she has cheated on me with another guy, dumping me and going with the new guy (i know, shame on me). I guess I'm just struggling with now they're together 24/7 and i'm left picking up the pieces. I don't think she's a prize either .... so why does it hurt and why do I bother thinking about it?? I think your pride is hurting. Your'e not hurting because you feel like you're missing out on a great gal. I think it's fair to say that you recognize she is no prize. Anyone who get's dumped or cheated on is going to have some feelings of loss no matter how bad the situation with their ex was. It's natural and normal. Try to step out of the emotional cloud and look at the situation objectively. She cheated and lied to you. Consider yourself lucky. At least you are "in the know." Alot of people on here got cut off with ZERO explaination, and they're left to wonder what the hell happened. You don't have to ask that question. She's a lying cheating hoebag with no regard for how you feel. If you are a reasonable person this should be enough to eventually feel lucky that she showed you her true colors and you no longer have to waste your valuable time with someone like that.
Author Davis Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 PoBoy: no she doesn't deserve to be in my mind and I need to quit wasting so much time and energy on this b**tch. Her pattern proves she does this to every guy and if not, maybe he will be the one to screw her over. Speedo. You're right. It's my pride and my ego. He's not that great, but I keep asking "why did she pick him over me?" It is also a sense of loss... a sense of loss at what thought I had ... having a gf and the sex. As my friend told me, "you're not in love with her, you're in love with who you thought she was". I thought she was a nice girl. Boy was I wrong. Since I wouldn't have fcked her over even if I had met Ms. Right when I was with her, it's hard to comprehend why she fcked me over. You're also right, seeing the two of them together made me very emotional, which makes it difficult at this point to think totally clearly. I have read other's stories on here. You are right, I was lucky because I had her passwords to her email and I found out the truth about two days after her "out with the girls night" when she hooked up with this guy. I quit calling her because I confirmed she was a liar, drunk and a ho.
luvtoto Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Yesterday I saw my ex and her new bf driving in her car. Barf. I knew she had a new guy (she fooled around with him before we broke up several weeks ago), but I haven't seen them together. Guess I hoped it wasn't working out for them. This is a shtty feeling! She has a new guy, is all happy and moving on with her life, he's banging her and here I am feeling like sh**t. She has a history of being a tramp and jumping from guy to guy, even at 34 years old, but still it's no fun. How have you dealt with seeing your exes with their new S.O.? Davis, I don't think you are thinking rationally at the moment. WHICH is completely understandable I might add!! Don't do this to yourself. Your ex is not happy. She is not moving on with her life to happyville. It's not working out for them. Trust me. People like your ex are never happy. Look at her history. This girl has major problems. She will continue to have self-destructive tendencies for the rest of her life. She is in deep denial. That is not a good place to be. But, she is not your problem anymore. While she's living her life in denialville...you will getting your life back on track again and healing. Moving on. Some day, she will get tired of her "new flavor of the month". She will come crawling back to you. It WILL happen. I've seen this sort of thing happen many, many times. You will then see her for the real person she is. You'll see right through her pathetic display of affection. It's very empowering. That's life. What comes around goes around.
guin_girl Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Don't beat yourself up about it. I also gave the benefit of the doubt on a cheater and also got burned. I too kept comparing her to me and wondering why her and not me. Your friend is right, it's not HER so much as what she represented to you. You are ready for a real relationship, she obviously is not. Just take it one day at a time, remember the bad... don't glorify what was "good". YOU are the prize and you will win in the long run.
CaliGuy Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Forget out it. Put it out of your mind because it's not within your control (boundaries). All you can and should focus on is yourself.
Author Davis Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 Guin and Luv, thanks for the responses. Guin, I'm not sure she is capable of a relationship or intimacy. I think the only "good" was having a gf and all the benefits. Then I think of how everything that came out her mouth was a lie, how she would lie to my face, keep the field open even though she said she was committed to us, her drinking issues and how she cheated before. I'm sure once I get further through this emotional fog I will be more focused on what I just said and what you said. Luv: all very good points and well said. Thanks. I should stop beating myself up. I think she's moved on to happyville. To me it appears that it is working for them ... at least so far. Maybe I am wrong. Give her time and he'll get tired of her games and lies or she will cheat on him too. I do believe she has major problems with intimacy and relationships, so why should this be any different? The drinking is probably just a symptom or a way to escape. You're right, she is self-destructive. She does have a child custody hearing at the end of this month; they are trying to finalize joint custody, but she's pretty nervous about the whole issue because she lost her kids for two months a few years ago. So why shouldn't she act self-destructively, break up with her stable bf (me), go binge drinking, hook up with a new guy? She's got to have some way to jeopardize the custody of her children and make her life a mess, right? I don't know if she will come back since she was so shtty to me in her email. She basically said it was my fault because I was so insecure and suspicious (well she was fcking around, again). But I am moving forward with my life and hopefully a better woman. She did come back after the first time she ran off with another guy. That relationship didn't work out the whole 4-6 weeks they were together. I think i am starting to see through her "pathetic display of affection" now. I'm starting to understand that she was not that "into" me. If she does contact me, I'm sure it will be much more obvious that it is all about her and not that she has emotions for me. She is selfish and self-centered. I hope what comes around goes around and that I have an empowering moment in the future.
luvtoto Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Davis, talk about well said! I take back the not thinking rationally statement! You are farther along with the healing than you give yourself credit for. It is tough, though. Getting hurt like that tends to kill a person's spirits, ya know? It's hard to bounce back right away. I swear that I know the woman you are talking about. A woman with the same problems as your ex, stole my ex from me about seven years ago. She was married at the time. He started dating her before I even moved out of the house. It's surprising how irrational thinking can lead a person to believe that they are indeed happy. This is how it appeared to the naked eye: ..my ex moved into her newly built home shortly after they started dating, ..she got divorced and won custody of her kids, ..they were married within a year, ..he let her quit her job to be a stay at home mom, ..they lived like they were the brady bunch with his kids and her kids, ..they always had brand new things, ..they were driving around in the truck that I cosigned for my ex, ..they moved to Colorado (paradise!) after they got married. This was the truth behind closed doors: ..my ex moved into her newly built home shortly after they started dating because if he didn't she would go bankrupt and lose her new home. ..she got divorced and won custody of her kids, but she lost them a year later by giving up custody willingly. She was an unfit parent. ..they were married within a year, but none of her family was at her wedding. They were disgusted by her. ..he let her quit her job to be a stay at home mom, because he couldn't trust her to not hit on other guys. ..they lived like they were the brady bunch with his kids and her kids, but her kids despised his kids and vice versa. A big mess. His kids were pushed down in the basement, while her kids had beautiful rooms upstairs. She was very selfish to his kids. ..they always had brand new things, they ended up losing her brand new house due to financial reasons. ..they were driving around in the truck that I cosigned for my ex, but the truck was reposessed later in the year. Unfortunately, I had to file bankruptcy because of it. ..they moved to Colorado (paradise!) after they got married, because everybody in town pushed them out. Everyone was sick of looking at them. The whole town hated them. Sorry so long...I just was trying to make a point that things are rarely as they seem.
notmakingsense Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Oh man -- I can hardly imagine what it would be like to actually run in to my ex with a new bf.... this is tough stuff and a nightmare for people just trying to heal with NC. People who are dumped, and especially those who were cheated on experience perhaps their lowest levels of self-esteem EVER. And we are drawn to obsess over our exes -- because in our subconscious mind -- their returning to us is the quickest path to pain relief from validation that we are worthy of their love/respect. Just recognize that you have experienced probably the toughest thing to have to go through. As the wise 'No Foolin' said in his famous post -- treat your ex like a serial killer and avoid contact at all costs until you have had a chance to heal more. It looks like many replies here are giving you plenty of reasons why wanting her makes no sense at all, this is a tremendous help -- but the best method (to me) is to be so damn busy with making your own life full: friends hobbies/work, working out, etc. -- that you hardly have a chance to think about her at all.
RocketMan2 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 As my friend told me, "you're not in love with her, you're in love with who you thought she was". here here. Thats what im just coming to realise. The person i loved and miss, doesnt actually exist. Its a wierd feeling, because my logical brain is saying, how can you miss something which never actually existed in the first place? but my naive/ignorant heart is still at a loss It feel really wierd. I kinda feel like im grieving a death. The death of the person I started going out with. What happened to her, or where did she come from if she wasnt real? hmmmm
Author Davis Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 Your ex is not happy. She is not moving on with her life to happyville. It's not working out for them. Trust me. People like your ex are never happy. Look at her history. This girl has major problems. She will continue to have self-destructive tendencies for the rest of her life. She is in deep denial. That is not a good place to be. But, she is not your problem anymore. Some day, she will get tired of her "new flavor of the month". She will come crawling back to you. It WILL happen. I've seen this sort of thing happen many, many times. Luv: thanks again. I had to go over your previous response again. I hope she is NOT happy. I hope it is NOT working for them. I hope when the honeymoon is over she will see that she is still unhappy. I know her history now. My friends said it wouldn't have mattered if I was Brad Pitt, she would have fckd him over just like she did to me. She does this everytime. She will not be able to handle any intimacy with him and will find another or he will not put up with her bull within the next six weeks. Now they're on 24/7. I know how she thinks, that's so she can avoid reality, be in denial, keep her mind off me and how shtty she was and TRY to find some happiness in him. I'm sure she has increased her drinking to handle her anxiety and what ever conscience she does have. My friend has told me this type of person is NEVER happy because they are unhappy with themselves and can never find satisfaction or happiness with anyone. They could be with the best looking guy, the richest guy, the best guy in bed and still they would be unhappy and look for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yes, she is self destructive. She lost her kids before. She claimed it was because she missed her Court hearing and her ex threw her under the bus. Hard to know for sure. I had told her I was going to quit drinking or cut back. I don't think that settled well with her. That had to make her look at her own drinking issues and she wouldn't want to do that. Good thing she has a drinking buddy in her new guy. I think it's kind of immature and bizarre that she would sleep with me one day and three days later she's hooked up with another guy. Is this normal behavior? I did that when I was maybe 25. She does all this sleeping around with NO protection. I know she has been with 5-6 guys in the last six months. Kinda disgusting, isn't it? Thanks for the support that I am moving along. Yes, it does hurt. It is like getting kicked in the stomach when I saw them together and when I think about them together. My rational side can say all the above, but it's a big emotional hit. Yes, my confidence is pretty low (and I'm a good looking guy that works out all the time and I own a business (not to brag)). Thanks for your story. That is amazing. I will keep in mind that things are not always what they seem. Like I said, I do know her history and her previous behavior, so I'm sure she's not going to or be able to change even if this guy is "Mr. Right".
Author Davis Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 Thats what im just coming to realise. The person i loved and miss, doesnt actually exist. Its a wierd feeling, because my logical brain is saying, how can you miss something which never actually existed in the first place? but my naive/ignorant heart is still at a loss. Hey Rocket: It hurts when people turn out not to be who we "thought" they were. You and I both found out the truth about the whole person. I think the pain is from the dis-illusionment, dishonesty and disbelief. We all idealize the person we are with in the beginning. But that's not reality. You are hanging on to your "idealized" version of your ex. Your ex is who she is. What you see now is who she really is. Try to be happy that you found out now before you had three kids, she cheated on you, then you had to leave her and she took half. Your emotions and your feelings of loss are about what you think you've lost, that idealized woman. If you focus on who she really is, I think you'll start to see it's not about you and you'll start to feel better. Good luck.
Author Davis Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 People who are dumped, and especially those who were cheated on experience perhaps their lowest levels of self-esteem EVER. And we are drawn to obsess over our exes -- because in our subconscious mind -- their returning to us is the quickest path to pain relief from validation that we are worthy of their love/respect. Hey Sense: good point. I do think it hurts your self-esteem and makes you wonder what's wrong with you. In my case, I'm starting to understand it has nothing to do with me, she is just fcked up with some serious issues. Obviously they did not love us or respect us much if they cheated on us. Or look at it this way: they are so mentally messed up they don't really love or respect themselves and they are so selfish and busy trying to make themselves feel better, it doesn't matter who they fck over. Why would we want validation from a cheating, lying, piece of sh**t? If that type of loser does come back then that should make us think that we're worthy of their love/respect? Does that make any sense?
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