Baileykeg Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Hi everyone. I've been off of here for a while but I occassionally check in on you to see how everyone is doing. When I last left you my MM and I had decided to spend the holidays together with the agreement that he would file for divorce in January. The holidays were wonderful and we spent much of it with his family. We celebrated one year together the day before New Year's Eve. He has told them how much he loves me and that he plans to end his marriage so that he and I can see where our relationship can go. Sounds great, right? In early January we had a talk about what his plan was for filing for divorce. He said that he would have it done before the end of the month. I told him that he shouldn't set a deadline that he had no intention of following through with and that if that was the case...if he had doubts....then he should just tell me rather than get my hopes up that this drama was actually going to end. He assured me he would have it done by the end of January. Still sounds great, right? Everything has been great with us. We've spent every weekend together and talk 4 or 5 times every day. If anything our love has only gotten deeper and stronger. Now, I called him yesterday morning for our usual good morning phone call. We chatted as ususal. After I got off the phone I felt like something was just "off" so I called him back. I asked if everything was ok and he said no. He said he was struggling with things right now. I asked if it was just the ususal stuff we've dealt with evey time in the past when it's been time for him to file and he said yes. I asked if something had happened and he said no. Before he could go into some excuse or whatever I cut him off and said I would leave him alone. Then I hung up. Last night I knew he was planning to call so instead I sent him a text message saying good night and that we should just catch up later in the week. He immediately called me and left a message (because I wouldn't answer the phone) to say that he understood that I didn't want to talk and he appreciated me giving him some space. He told me how very much he loves and misses me and said that we would talk soon. That was our last contact. What do I do now? We've been together for over a year and he's told me over and over that he wanted to get divorced and move on with our relationship. Each time the deadline approaches for him to file he "panics" and starts acting weird like he is now. I've allow this to continue for way too long and have accepted his excuses and delays each time because I love him. I still love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't know what it is going to take for him to follow through on his promises and give our relationship the chance it deserves. I've done and said everything that I can do. I can't imagine giving him more than I already have. During the past year we've tried not talking, giving each other space, taking time apart, etc. in order to give him the time he needs to be sure that he's ready to file for divorce and move on. Every single time he comes back to me and says that I am what he wants. He's been separated (and living apart) from his wife for almost two years. They have minimal contact and she's agreed that divorce is the best thing for them. Why am I still in this situation? What is his problem? What do I do when he calls tonight or tomorrow? Ignore the call? I really need some advice here about what my next step should be.
Kathleen Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Hi everyone. I've been off of here for a while but I occassionally check in on you to see how everyone is doing. When I last left you my MM and I had decided to spend the holidays together with the agreement that he would file for divorce in January. The holidays were wonderful and we spent much of it with his family. We celebrated one year together the day before New Year's Eve. He has told them how much he loves me and that he plans to end his marriage so that he and I can see where our relationship can go. Sounds great, right? In early January we had a talk about what his plan was for filing for divorce. He said that he would have it done before the end of the month. I told him that he shouldn't set a deadline that he had no intention of following through with and that if that was the case...if he had doubts....then he should just tell me rather than get my hopes up that this drama was actually going to end. He assured me he would have it done by the end of January. Still sounds great, right? Everything has been great with us. We've spent every weekend together and talk 4 or 5 times every day. If anything our love has only gotten deeper and stronger. Now, I called him yesterday morning for our usual good morning phone call. We chatted as ususal. After I got off the phone I felt like something was just "off" so I called him back. I asked if everything was ok and he said no. He said he was struggling with things right now. I asked if it was just the ususal stuff we've dealt with evey time in the past when it's been time for him to file and he said yes. I asked if something had happened and he said no. Before he could go into some excuse or whatever I cut him off and said I would leave him alone. Then I hung up. Last night I knew he was planning to call so instead I sent him a text message saying good night and that we should just catch up later in the week. He immediately called me and left a message (because I wouldn't answer the phone) to say that he understood that I didn't want to talk and he appreciated me giving him some space. He told me how very much he loves and misses me and said that we would talk soon. That was our last contact. What do I do now? We've been together for over a year and he's told me over and over that he wanted to get divorced and move on with our relationship. Each time the deadline approaches for him to file he "panics" and starts acting weird like he is now. I've allow this to continue for way too long and have accepted his excuses and delays each time because I love him. I still love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't know what it is going to take for him to follow through on his promises and give our relationship the chance it deserves. I've done and said everything that I can do. I can't imagine giving him more than I already have. During the past year we've tried not talking, giving each other space, taking time apart, etc. in order to give him the time he needs to be sure that he's ready to file for divorce and move on. Every single time he comes back to me and says that I am what he wants. He's been separated (and living apart) from his wife for almost two years. They have minimal contact and she's agreed that divorce is the best thing for them. Why am I still in this situation? What is his problem? What do I do when he calls tonight or tomorrow? Ignore the call? I really need some advice here about what my next step should be. Bailey, I feel the first thing to do is to decide if you will or will not accept the situation as it stands now. There's no fire under his butt right now to file for divorce.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I don't want to continue to accept the situation as it is and as it has been for so long. I am weak and have not been able to stand up for myself and walk away from him like I should have done 6 months ago. I'm afraid that if I give up and walk away that I will end up alone. Worse yet...I feel like if I stop talking to him that he will give up on us and let me go. I don't know how to find the strength to get out of this situation.
norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Bailey, I feel the first thing to do is to decide if you will or will not accept the situation as it stands now. There's no fire under his butt right now to file for divorce. Agreed. If he and his wife have been separated for two years, then why has neither filed for divorce? You said his wife agrees that divorce is the best thing - so they've discussed divorce and he still won't file? If they've been living apart for two years, then what is the major fear that's holding him back? Is he uncertain about divorce, or is he uncertain that he wants to marry you - which is the next big decision he'll have to make once he gets divorced, right? He may love you and want you, but is afraid to get hitched again. In the meantime, you're giving him everything he could want from a relationship. That makes it very easy for him to hang in the balance without making a change. He has what he wants - a great woman to date. Have you considered stepping back with no contact until he makes a decision? Tell him you understand he has mixed feelings, but you can't live with the uncertainty because it's making you unhappy. Tell him to call you when he's filed.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I don't know what the hold-up is as to why he hasn't filed. He says that he still has unresolved feelings for the W but that he knows their relationship just wouldn't work. He says that he wants a life with me, wants to marry me, to have children with me. I've never pressed him or even been the one to bring up marriage and children....it's always been him. When he brought up kids a few weeks ago I asked him if he had some sort of timetable in mind and he said that he'd like us to have a baby next year. We've tried NC before but I've not been able to stick to it. I think the longest we've actually been able to go without talking is 4 days. I know everyone is right in that I need to do something to force his hand here one way or another. I just don't know how to be strong enough to walk away and not talk to him. He's such a huge part of my life (and my 3 year old son's life). I get that guys will say whatever they think someone wants to hear in order to have their way....what I don't understand is why involve his family in our relationship by spending the holidays with them and by him telling them how he truly feels about me. What's the point of that?
Kathleen Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I don't want to continue to accept the situation as it is and as it has been for so long. I am weak and have not been able to stand up for myself and walk away from him like I should have done 6 months ago. I'm afraid that if I give up and walk away that I will end up alone. Worse yet...I feel like if I stop talking to him that he will give up on us and let me go. I don't know how to find the strength to get out of this situation. But in a way you ARE alone. Wouldn't you rather be alone as in Alone/by yourself than Alone/with someone? Did you ever hear the saying Let go & if he/she comes back, it was meant to be? It's easier said than done I know. It's gotta be harder to stay in the relationship with the way things have been than it would be to walk away from it. Think about it. Ok. ((((Baileykeg)))))
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I don't want to continue to accept the situation as it is and as it has been for so long. I am weak and have not been able to stand up for myself and walk away from him like I should have done 6 months ago. I'm afraid that if I give up and walk away that I will end up alone. Worse yet...I feel like if I stop talking to him that he will give up on us and let me go. I don't know how to find the strength to get out of this situation. Baileykeg, you say you do not want to continue to accept the situation as it is - fair, as you're waiting to start your new life in this relationship. Has your MM mentioned what kind of unresolved issues he has with his wife? Is he still emotionally involved (I know that MM will always be emotionally involved with someone they marry, but does he still feel he's making a "choice" between her and you?) Has his wife moved on? Is she seeing anyone new? You sound like you have really enjoyed your holidays with him and until the D word is mentioned, everything is fine. I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether you are willing to wait for him to file for the D or whether it's a deal-breaker. I also think you need to get to the bottom of the issue as to why he is so nervous about filing. I don't think at this moment NC is going to work because you have too many unanswered questions. When he rings, tell him that you need to talk. If the D filing is a dealbreaker - tell him so! Dont accept vague answers as to what his issues surrounding filing are. get it all out in the open so you can make your decision based on as many facts as you can get.
norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I don't know what the hold-up is as to why he hasn't filed. He says that he still has unresolved feelings for the W but that he knows their relationship just wouldn't work. It just doesn't add up. He told you his wife is agreeable to a divorce and thinks it's the best thing. They've been living apart for two years. That he loves you, wants to marry you, wants kids with you. I'm not understanding what he's holding out for, what these unresolved feelings are, and why those feelings are so strong, stronger than anything else. If he and his wife had a chance to reconcile and that's what he's wanting, then I can see it. But it doesn't sound like that's the case at all. So why can't he make a decision? Has he gone to therapy? If he's that confused that his feelings are holding him back from getting on with his life, maybe he should.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Yes, he did go to therapy for several months and then he quit. He said that he was able to see what he needed to deal with and felt like he didn't need to go anymore. I disagreed but didn't push his decision to quit. Part of his unresolved "issues" he claims are his inability to move on from what his marriage was supposed to be. He feels like a failure. He questions whether or not there was "one more thing" that he could have done to have saved the marriage. Then he'll turn right around and say that he knows that they are just two different people and that it wouldn't have worked. He says that I make him very happy and has told a mutual friend that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. I don't know what to do anymore. When we try to take time apart he always comes back to me 100% convinced that he's ready to move on and to build a lif with me. He always says that he's ready to get divorced. Then as the weeks go by and the time comes for him to actually file then he panics again and we're back to where we started. He first told the W he wanted a divorce last March. She agreed that it was what was best. Then a few weeks later she called begging him to wait and not to file. She wanted to get back together. He told her no. After about a week she quits calling until a few more weeks go by and he gets to the point where he's ready to file again. He again tells her he wants to file, she agrees and then the cycle starts all over again. We've been dealing with that cycle about once a month since last March. Throughout all of it he has never gone back to her and has always told her that it wouldn't work for them to get back together. It's just incomprehendible to me anymore. Each time we come through on of these "cycles" he and I move closer together. He will do something to show me he is more committed to our relationship...i.e....telling his family about our relationship, inviting them to spend time with us....asking me where I want to get married....talking about having a family of our own. Each time is a little more. Given that, I just don't understand why he is where he is and what I should do next.
norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Stand up for yourself, sweets. Make some demands about what you need. You're worth it, aren't you? Are you confident of his love, his desire to be with you? If so, then act with confidence and tell him you can't live like this anymore. Tell him to call you when he files for divorce, not when he thinks he's ready to file. He's the boy who cried wolf one too many times - now he needs to give you some proof that he's not all talk and no action.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I want to stand up for myself. I flip-flop between being strong and wanting to just walk away from all of this drama to being so weak that I want to pick up the phone and tell him how much I love him. Why can't I pick one position and stick with it???
norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I want to stand up for myself. I flip-flop between being strong and wanting to just walk away from all of this drama to being so weak that I want to pick up the phone and tell him how much I love him. Why can't I pick one position and stick with it??? Because you're afraid to lose him, and afraid you'll never get what you want. Those two fears are at odds, diametrically opposed. Don't you think he knows you love him? Has that done anything to help him make up his mind? He knows how you feel. However, you don't know how he feels, because he doesn't quite know how he feels. Step back until he figures it out. He's not going to forget you love him.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Should I just let this go and stay with him until he's finally ready to file? We are very happy when we are together and I feel like he'll get there one day. Is that just completely stupid of me?
norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Should I just let this go and stay with him until he's finally ready to file? We are very happy when we are together and I feel like he'll get there one day. Is that just completely stupid of me? Isn't that what you've been doing all along? Has it gotten him any closer to filing? No, I think you need to step away from him. Tell him to call you only after he has actually filed. Take away his crutch - you are helping him stay married by being there for him all the time, waiting for him to make a decision, giving him those happy together times. Take those happy together times away and he just might miss you enough to file for divorce.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 He just sent me a text message telling me that he misses me. I didn't respond and don't plan to. If he calls tonight my plan is to not take his call. Right now I don't think he realizes that I've gone NC. Guess it will sink in for him eventually.
norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 He just sent me a text message telling me that he misses me. I didn't respond and don't plan to. If he calls tonight my plan is to not take his call. Right now I don't think he realizes that I've gone NC. Guess it will sink in for him eventually. No, sweets. NC is fine, but you need to tell him why first - that you are not going to talk to him anymore until he files for divorce. If you don't tell him why, he's just going to keep trying to reach you. I'm sure that will make you feel good, but he's not going to just "get it" that you suddenly decided you can't wait for him anymore and that he needs to make a decision. Send an email if you don't think you can manage to say it on the phone, or think he will talk you out of it.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I'm just not sure I have it in me to do anything right now. If I contact him in any way he will respond back and that will weaken any resolve that I might have to stay strong.
hardknocks Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 it's the worst to be the om/ow. your story sounds alomst exactly like mine - except i am the om. and plain and simple all of this is he*!. I wish nobody to go through it and i am still struggling with the effects. the worst part about all of it for me was the not knowing part.. the wondering and waiting and feeling let down all the time. i finally realized after a long time that as simple as it sounds, that our feelings for each other were irrelevant until the situation changes. and i told her i won't even discuss us until after the divorce and went nc. that was over a month ago and i haven't heard from her. i imagine she can't do it, or whatever.. there's so much psychology wrapped up in all of this. but i hang on to the thought, and so should you, that if it really is true love, they would be with us right now and not making us go through all of the pain. and there's a very basic psychological principle about avoidance that applies to this type of thing. the emmotional anxiety and stress goes up exponentially as the actual event draws closer. so it's easy for him to say - a month out, what he is going to do. but as the time edges closer their anxiety balloons up until the give up on the promise. classic avoidance.
FreeMe Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 He's not being strong enough to file and you're not being strong enough to walk away. You probably have to lead by example. Maybe if you finally get strong enough to say you've had enough and he should look you up when the divorce is final, maybe he will finally get strong enough to do it.
Tomcat33 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Question: Does hi W know that he is with you or is it still a secret? I am in the exact situation only my man is seperates for 4 months and I just went NC for three weeks, I can't stand the pain/stress of knowing I am with someone who cannot decide to cut ties with the past when he assures me there is nothing there for him to go back to. Yet his W still tries to win him back but he refuses, she however does not know I am in the picture. I can't imagine 2 yrs if this MY GOD!! I feel bad a times for pressuring him to file but after reading some of the posts here this can go on forever. I'm sorry for your situation, listen to others here NC seems to be the best test. He won't act if you are there for him enabling him to drag his feet.
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I'm just not sure I have it in me to do anything right now. If I contact him in any way he will respond back and that will weaken any resolve that I might have to stay strong. Write him an email telling him you're in NC mode - And tell him that if he tries to contact you, he'll be met by your silence. Then block his email/IM and go from there. If you are going NC, he has to know, otherwise it's only NC on your end and he's left kind of clueless. Don't play games, meaning, by going NC, BOTH parties have to be aware of it, especially in your situation.
puddleofmud Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 What EXACTLY is the point of NC? Is it that you are ready, willing and able to move forward with your life or that you would be using NC as a means to "get him back"--to show him that he misses you and wants you so much that he will file for divorce via resolve his unresolved feelings for his spouse/ marriage? Will being divorced actually resolve that issue within HIM? He already knows that you wish him to be single... so would NC to achieve the latter be successful? Next question is WHY> you feel so strongly about him being divorced? Do you wish to marry him, live together, have children? If so, have the two of you discussed these issues and how did he respond? Would NC resolve these issues within yourself? What do you wish to achieve at this point? First and foremost, you gotta be honest with yourself about what is that you really want!
Author Baileykeg Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 Honestly, my point of NC would be to make him make a decision and file for divorce like he has told me over and over that he wants to do. I want him to come back to me so that we can proceed with all of the things we have talked about for the future....marriage, children.....all things that he brought up first. Do I want to marry him and have a family with him? Yes. In order for that to happen he's got to be divorced so we can move forward. If he's never going to be able to divorce the woman for whatever reason then I might as well know now. If he truly wants all the things he has said that he does with me then my hope is that NC will make him realize that he really is going to lose me if he doesn't get divorced. He's said over and over that he wants to divorce but then when the time comes he panics and has doubts about whether it's the right thing to do. He's having a hard time letting go of the feeling of being a failure and the guilt over the relationship not working out. And let me point out that his relationship failed way before he and I were ever involved. He was separated for about 8 months before we began dating. I don't know how to go NC and stick to it though. That is my struggle right now. He's coming to town for the weekend to spend it with me. I don't think I am strong enough to tell him to his face over the weekend so I may wait until Monday and send him a letter. That way I can get out what I need to say and then cut off contact. From there all I can do is pray that he will come back to me.
norajane Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Why don't you tell him not to come? That's a really good way to show him that you are serious about him making a decision. Send him an email, explain why you can't see him, explain that you can't have any contact with him until he files for divorce.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 I thought about that but I just need to see him one more time before we end.
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