wanda98 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I have a thread running in the OW/OM forum, but I find that I keep coming on to this forum because I get the feeling that I have a lot in common with posters here....I am trying to cope too, and I dont seem to have the knack for it. what I wanted to ask was, how do you cope with not knowing.... especially when a relationship ends abruptly and without any resolution. I had a boyfriend, he was away for work, I found out he was seeing another woman and moved out before he got home. We never spoke. He never tried to stop me leaving because he wasnt there, we never said goobye, good riddance! whatever....he got home and it was like I never existed, I have so many questions in my head, did he love me? did he love her more? why did he lie? is he happier now without me? and the list grows everyday.... If I never get to hear the answers to these questions (or maybe I wouldnt want to) then how do I cope with not ever knowing......
RocketMan2 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I had similar questions. I can only speak from personal experience, but... I always over think things, and i was spinning all these questions round in my head over and over for about 2 weeks until one day i just couldnt be arsed to any more, and i managed to relax. I wanted to talk to her every day, just to find out why... But what i came to realise was that she probably didnt know herself, and if she did, would i really have wanted to hear anything she had to say? I know i'd just have fought back and disagreed with whatever crap she splurted at me, and probably ended up with more questions and her leaving, leaving me in an even worse position. Everyone raves about NC, and when I was in your position, whilst the idea seemed appealing, it was hard to follow. But looking back now, it was clearly the right choice. So so clearly. You have to trust in NC, it will get better every day. Keep yourself busy with friends and work. Soon you won't care about these questions. RocketMan
daisydo Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I think it is important to ruminate over your feelings as well as take part in positive activities to lift your spirits. Do not push these questions and feelings inside of you - they may disappear in time but they could also have a lasting, detrimental effect. It sounds like you are wanting to get over this past hurt, but feel so confused about what has transpired that you're not sure what you're even getting over. To speed things along, let's take a look at your list of questions and take a "worst case scenario" perspective. did he love me? No. did he love her more? Yes. why did he lie? To avoid conflict and save his own face. is he happier now without me? Yes. How did reading that make you feel? Write it all out. Let's take those answers as the ultimate truth of the situation - because it can't get much worse than that. Now you have nowhere to go but upwards. Let yourself feel the pain and feel the hurt - but only allow yourself to feel it for a short time. Then get out and do something positive: volunteer work, working out, crafts projects, take a walk, go to church, have a picnic, post on LS, visit a friend, take a road trip. You name it. The future is yours - accept the pain and hurt but do not let it control you or damage you. Take care and good luck.
RocketMan2 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 did he love me? No. did he love her more? Yes. why did he lie? To avoid conflict and save his own face. is he happier now without me? Yes. How did reading that make you feel? Harsh, but fair. Read it again. From now on you WILL start feeling better. As Daisy said, don't block out the feelings, embrace them for a while, but don't let them consume you. You will start feeling much better very soon
rab5 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I had a relationship that ended with no goodybye, no finality and it was rough because there is those could it have been feelings that you describe. Would you of been able to get over him seeing someone else and excepted that, in turn, prospered in the relationship? I know it's hard to say but I can tell you that time will heal this eventhough it doesn't feel like it now. It did for me and I don't care at all what the ex is up to anymore.
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