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What about when he says he has a good marriage and can't leave?

Jane Doe

By Jane Doe
in The Other Man / Woman

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Jane Doe Established Member

Jane Doe

Posted
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I know many of the ladies here are in relationships with MM who are promising divorce, are recently separated, or at the very least giving some kind of hope for a future. But what about the MM who aren't? What about the MM who say they have a good marriage, make no promises whatsoever of leaving, and tell you flat out that they are staying married?

 

Have any of you all encountered a man like that, or are you perhaps involved with one now? If so, I'm just curious.......how do you deal with it? How do you have anything to hang on to?

NearlyThere Established Member

NearlyThere

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....... if this fits your request. lol.

 

However, I will put my head above the parapet and say mine says he's not leaving but he is NOT happy in his M either. I know I'm up for a bashing, if your interested, I have a thread going at the moment called, What have I done, that explains it all, if your interested. lol. I've only answered cos I know from prev threads we've written on how you feel as well about unconstructive comments.

 

NT

norajane Established Member

norajane

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I don't think there are many MM who tell their OWs that they have a GOOD marriage. They may say they have no intention of leaving, that they aren't happy but have to stay for the welfare of the children, because they are too entangled financially, social standing, etc. But usually, the common theme is they are unhappy and are not getting their needs met by their wife - whether it's true or not.

herenow Established Member

herenow

Posted
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I don't know if this helps, but I can tell you the other side of the story. I'm piecing this together from voice messages and e-mails that I read from the OW and what my H has told me.

 

According to the OW, my H said that his marriage was good when they first met. He told her he was happy. She felt that as the affair progressed it turned into something else and she fell in love with him and she was sure he felt the same way

 

According to my H, it's true that when they first met he said he was happy, but there was never any talk about me or our family because she didn't want to hear about us. She wanted to pretend we didn't exist.

 

After D-day she wanted him to tell her that he did have feelings for her and that it wasn't only about sex. He was unable to do that. The truth was and is that the affair was all about him. It had nothing to do with the OW or me. He was able to separate us and actually live two lives that were both lies. He thought he wasn't hurting anyone because he never told her that he loved her or that he would leave me, and he never told me anything at all.

 

It was all about something that was missing in him. The OW not only provided sex, she provided an escape from reality. She told him what he wanted to hear and she was the helpless OW in distress that was there for him to save.

 

To answer your question, by saying that he was happy in our marriage (which we now know needed much attention and work), he felt that the OW wouldn't expect anything more than he was willing to give to her. Boy. was he wrong.

 

Sorry about any typos, I'm in a hurry to go get the kids.

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Jane Doe Established Member

Jane Doe

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It was all about something that was missing in him. The OW not only provided sex, she provided an escape from reality.

 

That sums it up nicely. The MM most definately have something missing in them. Unfortunately they destroy many lives and hearts trying to find that something.

sb129 Established Member

sb129

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That sums it up nicely. The MM most definately have something missing in them. Unfortunately they destroy many lives and hearts trying to find that something.

 

They sure do.

 

My ex MM STILL refuses to admit or believe that he is anything less than a perfect upstanding model of humanity...everybody else is to blame for his life being slightly less than perfect.

 

Oh puh-lease.

 

HIS missing something is a sense of humour. Never had it, never will.

Freedom Now Established Member

Freedom Now

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My xMM will never leave his wife. Of this I am certain.

 

According to him, many, many lives would be hurt should he leave and he just will not do that. And I believe that.

 

He also stated that although his feelings towards his wife are nil, his commitment to his family, friends, colleagues, ministry and business are strong. And he will not selfishly go after HIS wants at the expense of everyone else's happiness.

 

He explained it this way to me: Picture a marriage on a scale of 1 to 10. His marriage is a 5-6. So-so at best. BUT, the kids, his career, his reputation, his familial ties, his ministry are all 8,9, and 10's. So, THOSE things make it worthwhile for him to stay.

 

And I believe him on this. I believe him to be telling the truth.

 

It truly was me versus his life.

 

Yet he made no bones about telling me that he loves me and this isn't between me and his wife....it is between me and his life.

 

This man, although he has made his decision to stay, is completely torn about his feelings for me.

 

I believe some of these MM are some of the most tortured souls that walk this earth.

 

No excuse, mind you.

 

But, a fact, as I see it from my eyes.

BurriedAlive Established Member

BurriedAlive

Posted
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This sounds EXACTLY like my MM. We have been together for 10 months. Never once has he said he would leave his wife and in fact, ALWAYS says that he has a good marriage and has no plans for Divorce. He has never told me he loves me but when I ask him to tell me he doesn't, he says he can't. He claims it's his first affair (for what it's worth) and is not really doing it for "sport." I will never be anything but the OW in this relationship. I think it all comes down to that he loves 2 women in very different ways. His W is the mother of his children, he has history with her, bills and friends. I am his excitement and I make him feel young & alive (I am 15 years younger). He is in denial, though because if his marriage is as good as he says it is, he would not be cheating with me.

 

So, SH is right, it's ALL about him. Whether he loves me or not, it's not enough and I don't think that love is high on his priority list.

 

It does suck for his W. If I were in her shoes, I think I would want to know.

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Jane Doe Established Member

Jane Doe

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He is in denial, though because if his marriage is as good as he says it is, he would not be cheating with me.

 

This is so true!

pricillia Established Member

pricillia

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They just tell you what is good for them to tell you...

 

I agree with the others, he will do what he can to keep you until he is done.

Meaplus3 Established Member

Meaplus3

Posted
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I know many of the ladies here are in relationships with MM who are promising divorce, are recently separated, or at the very least giving some kind of hope for a future. But what about the MM who aren't? What about the MM who say they have a good marriage, make no promises whatsoever of leaving, and tell you flat out that they are staying married?

 

Have any of you all encountered a man like that, or are you perhaps involved with one now? If so, I'm just curious.......how do you deal with it? How do you have anything to hang on to?

 

Hi, I don't know if I can help much here as this thread hit's so close to home for me but what I surmise is this. I think these MM have many issues within themselves that need to be delt with. Do I think for one minute that these MM are in a truely loving "Happily ever after" marriage NO! I don't think that anyone, M of F who engages in an affair out side of a committed realtionship is in a "good marriage" so to speak. I can't speak for every MM or MW out there just from my own personal experience.

 

AP:)

Meaplus3 Established Member

Meaplus3

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They just tell you what is good for them to tell you...

 

I agree with the others, he will do what he can to keep you until he is done.

 

GREAT point Pricillia!

Babybird Established Member

Babybird

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Let me guess...been married about 15 years, has a couple of kids that are old enough to take care of themselves(need no babysitter), has a good job and so does the wife. Am I close? If I am then my guess is that he is so deep into his routine(maybe lack of sex but good communication and even a friendship with W), and so comfortable in the relationship(financially) that why would he leave? He is getting everything he's lacking from you. the new relationship and probably a lot of really great sex. I am by no means implying that the relationship is only about sex but why does it seem to be so good when its forbidden!!??

 

Anyway, I am an OW and I know this is why my MM hasn't left. Although I have heard a time frame anywhere to June of this year or until his son graduates in 2010.

 

I can't say you have hope because I know you would be crushed if he didn't leave. My new state of mind is how long are you willing to wait? Is he really worth the wait? I know I get tired of doing everything alone.

pricillia Established Member

pricillia

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GREAT point Pricillia!

 

 

AP, You are good for my self esteem!!!

 

Thanks.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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He is in denial, though because if his marriage is as good as he says it is, he would not be cheating with me.

 

So... You are saying that a MM cheats on his wife because his marriage is bad ?

 

What about his Vows then ? if he isn't happy and then cheats then I guess he didn't take his vows seriously..

 

Why would a OW want to marry and take vows with a man that isn't capable of sticking up to his vows with his current wife ?

 

If his marriage to the OW ( assuming they get married ) starts to fail, are you saying that he will cheat ?

 

My marriage sucked for years.. I never cheated..

pricillia Established Member

pricillia

Posted
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So... You are saying that a MM cheats on his wife because his marriage is bad ?

 

What about his Vows then ? if he isn't happy and then cheats then I guess he didn't take his vows seriously..

 

Why would a OW want to marry and take vows with a man that isn't capable of sticking up to his vows with his current wife ?

 

If his marriage to the OW ( assuming they get married ) starts to fail, are you saying that he will cheat ?

 

My marriage sucked for years.. I never cheated..

 

 

I think if it does happen the OW/now wife should not be surprised.

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
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I think these MM have many issues within themselves that need to be delt with. Do I think for one minute that these MM are in a truely loving "Happily ever after" marriage NO! I don't think that anyone, M of F who engages in an affair out side of a committed realtionship is in a "good marriage" so to speak. I can't speak for every MM or MW out there just from my own personal experience.

 

These are just my thoughts yeah?

 

Who has a happily ever after marriage? Who feels 100 fullfilled in their marriage? Seriously does that even exist? If somoene uses adultery as a crutch to get out I'm not saying it's ideal but some people just fear being alone and need the padding and no amount of time will change them, but to engange in an affair simply because they feel unfullfilled is NONESENSE! NO one can be 100% fullfilled for better or for worse is a lame statement a simple romantic ideal, it's not reality. For many the for worse means "time to look elsewhere". Personally I don't beleive it's natural for human beings to sustain a loving bond for a long period of time and there comes a time when we feel we need more or better or simply different, and it's at that crucial time we should decide to get out or go on and stick it out but an affair is a selfish act. I feel for all the OW/OM and yes they are adults and responsible for their actions but it's very easy to fall into the trap of beleiving everything the cheating spouse promises that never comes to fruition. VERY EASY.

 

As per the comment of the men or women who say they cannot afford to hurt all these other people for their own happiness that is the BIGGEST load of crap I have ever heard. WHO in their right mind would sacrifice their own happiness and mental health for the sake of a business, a social life and a marriage that is completely unfulfilling? The bottom line is, if the person doesn't leave it wasn't that bad to begin with. It was all lies to comit the most selfish act possible, an affair with someone new and exciting. Nothing more nothing less.

 

sorry if this sounds harsh but that is my opinion...

cbl Established Member

cbl

Posted
Posted
I know many of the ladies here are in relationships with MM who are promising divorce, are recently separated, or at the very least giving some kind of hope for a future. But what about the MM who aren't? What about the MM who say they have a good marriage, make no promises whatsoever of leaving, and tell you flat out that they are staying married?

 

Have any of you all encountered a man like that, or are you perhaps involved with one now? If so, I'm just curious.......how do you deal with it? How do you have anything to hang on to?

 

i have heard quite a few MM involved in an affair, saying that the reason that they are doing it is because they are looking for something missing in the marriage. it could be excitement, passionate sex (no offense but things do get old and routine when you've been doing it with the same person for 15 years), falling in love again, affections, etc. whatever is missing in the marriage, it must be something "significant", or who will take the risk of being found out and then having to face the guilt and the possibility of divorce, being labeled on betrayal and going through long road of MC after getting caught?

 

my xMM and I agreed that we don't talk about "future" together. only enjoyed our time together while it lasted (but we did plan trips and events together) he did not complain much about his marriage but i know he's not happy about a few things yet nothing has been done to improve.... on things that pushed him to seek outside marriage. i did not feel that i need good reasons behind to justify why i was involved with my xMM. there could be something missing in my life too. or sometimes you just have other things in life that you consider more important than getting married or being in a long term relationshihp with "the one".

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Jane Doe Established Member

Jane Doe

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The bottom line is, if the person doesn't leave it wasn't that bad to begin with. It was all lies to comit the most selfish act possible, an affair with someone new and exciting. Nothing more nothing less.

 

I agree with that.

 

cbl, what was the issues that ended things between you and your MM?

cbl Established Member

cbl

Posted
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I agree with that.

 

cbl, what was the issues that ended things between you and your MM?

 

empty promises. we always joked about what's between us is more a "friendship" thing. apparently he took it too lightly. and i have low tolerance for friends who don't keep his/her promises. we were planning a trip together but then things did not work out. my schedule is pretty tight already and i can't keep changing my schedule to accommodate his. also his wife found out and i kept receiving emails, being demeaned, and being called every name in the book, and hurting their kids too (kids were copied in the emails) - too much for a friendship like this. i asked him to be faithful to his wife at least for the sake of his kids.

 

what's your situation here?

Romeo Must Die Established Member

Romeo Must Die

Posted
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Some people say the affair is the symptom of the bad marriage. I think the affair is a symptom of a bad (or otherwise messed up) person.

 

As in my case, why else would a WS beat up and otherwise destroy two women in the process to save himself? Alot of FWS backpeddle and say the affair wasnt what it looked like, etc, but what was it supposed to look like when he wasnt coming home while in the affair? Leaving notes in her car? Meeting her at secret locations? Buying her gifts? Posing for photos with her? Defending her honor? Sounds like good times to me.

 

Like AC, I was also in this so called "bad marriage" and I didnt cheat. Any fool can open the yellow pages and pay a lawyer 300 bucks for a retainer and do it, mostly they just want to force the wife to do it for them. Like everything else.

 

:bunny:

puddleofmud Established Member

puddleofmud

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If an married/ attached person is "happy" within a relationship/ marriage and seeking "others" for "fulfillment" then I would assume that they are just not "happy" within themselves and need more "attention" than any one could offer!

Women (I am not getting down on my gender, here!) seem to be severely attracted to the "bad boys" and taming one (fixing them) seems to an historical common romantic notion.

Cinderella over came the "ugly step-sisters; Sleeping Beauty basically was allowed to sleep through her ordeal due the "wicked witch". There are no MALE demons in fairy tales--they are mostly wicked WOMEN who stand in the way of another woman's happiness!:eek:

There seem to be no popular fairy tales about conquering wicked men...

If a person is happy in their relationship, will never leave...would not mean that the partner of said person is failing the relationship or even that this partner wouldn't be their "soul-mate" nor that they are "wicked women (or men)".

It may just mean that the cheating person has desires he or she cannot contain, won't deal with, won't bother to change.

The more contemporary question would be "how many toads does one have to kiss to realize they are just TOADS!"

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