Raleuse Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Short (I'll try) summary. I met this guy in May. i recently moved to this new house I share and he's my neighbour. We discovered we shared many common points, started doing a lot of local activities together, had a one night stand then he decided it wasn't for him. we tried FWB but of course I already had feelings for him so we settled for best friends. It did work for a while with ups and downs but for the past month and a half he's become more and more distant. I didn't realise at first but I was invited to his birthday party and that's when the truth hit me. He used to do everything with me, consult me, share with me, text me and now the contacts were down to the bare necessity. We were also fighting (probably because of my own frustration) more and more. Lately the fight have become a daily event, he's expressed his need to see other people and date and I have come to realise I just cannot settle for so little. So I've sent him an e-mail to tell him we should be polite to each other (we will still meet unfortunately) but that I was ending the friendship for all the reasons stated above. He has not replied - I don't know if he read it (didn't ask for a read-receipt silly me) and knowing him he'll probably hate me for hurting him: I warned him I was going to send him such an email when we were fighting yesterday and he said he didn't want us to fall apart and needed me as a friend. Oh heck, it does hurt!
kimba Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 3 weeks ago my best male friend 'dumped' me over the phone and that was bad enough. But actually doing it by email? Maybe I'm living in the dark ages but you really should have at least spoken to him.
Author Raleuse Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 I actually answered this not logged in but my answer has not been published. Just to say that the reason I e-mailed is that I tried to speak to him but he just dismisses me saying I'm being silly and doesn't let me finish my sentences. I'm also much more articulate in writing.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 It sounds like the 'bestfriend' thing isn't just that. There are feelings involved. You two are TOO involved, too attached and because of this taking things personally, getting upset and hurt is part of what happens when you're close emotionally with someone. Bestfriends don't "dump" eachother, bestfriends are supposed to be for life... Take some time, figure out what YOU want out of the friendship, and go from there. Maybe you two need some space, to think and then talk.
kimba Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 the reason I e-mailed is that I tried to speak to him but he just dismisses me saying I'm being silly and doesn't let me finish my sentences. I'm also much more articulate in writing. well that sheds a different light on the situation. Thats just plain rude , not letting you finsih sentences. So you probably did the right thing and i retract my previous post. Picture having a relationship with this guy in the future and imagine whenever there is a problem or issue in the relationship you have to email him just to get your point of view across!!!
bklk1227 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 The "best friend" line was crossed when you developed feelings for the guy. The best thing to do here is get some space between you. Even "best friends" need a break from one another sometimes - in this case I think you need to get over those feelings that are... shall we say "not so friendly" Good luck...
Author Raleuse Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 whichwayisup Take some time, figure out what YOU want out of the friendship, and go from there. Maybe you two need some space, to think and then talk. We have done a lot of thinking and talking - and fighting - lately. If I take all those stupid dreams out of my head, knowing very well he is right and we are not made for each other in a romantic way, and look at us realistically, I'd want us to stay best friends - the way we used to be - i.e. sharing lots of stuff, including our deepest thoughts, happy and sad moments and being there for each other. I don't want to settle for anything less. The thing is he's not sure what kind of friendship he wants. From what he told me, he does have a problem with how close we were and how he feels we are too exclusive (my wording) but doesn't want to loose me. The problem in such a friendship is that if either of us dates someone else, we will either have to "hide" how close we are or we'll end up transfering all this friendlyness to our lover/date and that I could not take. The "best friend" line was crossed when you developed feelings for the guy. The best thing to do here is get some space between you. Even "best friends" need a break from one another sometimes - in this case I think you need to get over those feelings that are... shall we say "not so friendly" Good luck... I agree that's what I need to do and that's why I ended the friendship. When he told me he wanted to date and started trying to make me jealous with a girl we both see daily (we don't appreciate her so I was shocked to see him flirt with her) I explained to him his wanting to get some space was probably the best thing for both of us. But now he's no longer speaking to the girl and acting as if nothing happened. It was hard enough to end the friendship once. To ad to my confusion, he found out (he kind of trapped me in telling him) I kissed someone two days after we slept together. It happened after he had just told me he didn't want to pursue a relationship and I was so hurt I got drunk. The guy was there, he comforted me as I was crying my eyes out and we kissed. When I told him yesterday, my friend just made a scene, telling me he felt betrayed and I was a slapper (he's a bit extreme with words like that). I don't know, I'm jealous of other girls - because of those feelings I shouldn't have for him - but he's adament he doesn't have such feelings for me so why is he playing crual games like that?
bklk1227 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Go for no contact. That will work best for you either way in the end...
Author Raleuse Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Thanks. I've reduced contact. He's my neighbour and we still are in the same circles (small town and I am not stopping all my activities for him). I do believe NC for a while at least would have done us the world of good and I still dread seeing him with a girlfriend altho I've prepared myself so much for it I might be able to deal with it after all. NC is just not possible.
bones Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 How are things going with your friend? Any new developments? I would like to hear because I'm in a similar situation. I would like to hear your insight on my posting -- Need perspective from others. Please help!
Author Raleuse Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 How are things going with your friend? Any new developments? I would like to hear because I'm in a similar situation. I would like to hear your insight on my posting -- Need perspective from others. Please help! I still don't know too well what happened, but on Saturday evening, we were both moody and he told me he resents my 'reduced contact' attempts. However, on Sunday, he didn't even say hi so I assumed he was still in a bad mood and avoided him completely. He came to me in the afernoon just to say in a very cross tone that he knew what to think of me. Whatever that meant. Then in the evening, he lashed out and said the most hurtful things I ever heard from anyone. Most of the things he said were just not true. He said I was a hypocrit and had talked about him behind his back. I have shared my concerns with others (like I do with you) - nothing I haven't told him first though. And if there is one thing I am not it's a hypocrit. He said many more nasty things and I told him that if he thought so badly of me it was as well we weren't friends any longer and he said he didn't care at all but was not going to let me control him and was going to make my life (i.e. social I guess) as horrible as I was making him feel. Still don't know where this came from or what to do. I really wish I could move out far, far away. I'm sorry as I'm sure you were hoping for something else.
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