addicted2love Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I was talking to a friend today about my situation...she asked me "Is he trying to get caught?" Now that I think about it that's a very good question! Long story short...MM and I haven't spoken on the phone since November...D day was late Sept. so in his latest email to me he says he could never let me go...doesn't want to hurt his kids, but he misses me. At the bottom he leaves a phone number and says to call him at work. I hesitated...actually stared at the number for an hour before I called it. I didn't think he would answer but I tried anyway...he left the number so what the hell. However he didn't leave me any further instructions on how to actually reach him...who to say was calling for him...etc. I don't get it. If the W has been keeping tabs on him since D day...wouldn't this be another way for him to get caught easily? I'm sure she knows people he works with. Maybe he wants to get caught again so that she will make the decision to leave him and he won't be the "bad guy". My friend said this to me today. Also he was careless about the phone bill and credit card bill which is how he got caught the first time. Seems to me he would have done a better job of hiding it if he didn't want to get caught...paid cash for things...called from a different number etc. Who knows!
norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Just because he's not clever at hiding his affairs, doesn't mean he wants to get caught. Our prisons are full of dumb criminals who get caught.
cbl Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 i think every MM's situation is different. you never know.... some MMs are very cautious by nature and they'd be extra careful to avoid troubles when they are in the affairs; some MMs are careless but even if they have been caught in bed with OW they would still try to deny everything; some MMs are never afraid of getting caught. a friend of mine had been involved with a MM who would take her out golfing with his friends, spent time at his brother's house (married with one kid), etc.
frannie Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Some people just don't think about what they're doing, even to the point of leaving others 'open-mouthed' at their apparent stupidity. 'Reasons' (if there are any) for his behaviour could include a subconscious desire to get caught again, but that could, if you want to over-think everything, just be because he wants to give his W another metaphorical kick in the guts again, or get her to pay attention. I mean, either this is subconscious, passive-aggressive, or some devious 'plan' to get out of his marriage, none of it is actually saying, 'I want out'. It's evasive, stupid, cack-handed, and anyway... you have to actually go through with leaving and that does take balls eventually. So... I'd just not read too much into it. Having said that, if you don't want another d-day I wouldn't call him at work.
Freedom Now Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Ah....this is all so true. My xMM's Dday with me was in March last year. The contact never really stopped unless I instituted it. And I did it often, but he kept breaking it. Fast forward to last week: 10 months after seeing my face, he wants to see me again. He tells me he has never stopped being in love with me, wants to see me, talk to me, look into my eyes, etc. Anyway, enough about all that garbage..... He is willing to risk everything again to see me "one last time." Does he want to get caught? NO WAY. Don't read anything into his actions if I were you. He is just one of those men who: a) doesn't think he will get caught again or b) isn't thinking straight (which is where my MM is, I would imagine) Since I am assuming that your MM didn't leave his wife at D-day, I would assume that he isn't prepared to leave her now. Unless you are willing to get thrown under the bus again, don't call him. It would be akin to surviving a train crash only to get out of the hospital and walk right in front of another one. Some men just don't think. But, that doesn't mean that YOU can't. Use your head and go with your gut on this one. But don't read too much into his actions, IMHO.
Jane Doe Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 'Reasons' (if there are any) for his behaviour could include a subconscious desire to get caught again, but that could, if you want to over-think everything, just be because he wants to give his W another metaphorical kick in the guts again, or get her to pay attention. I mean, either this is subconscious, passive-aggressive, or some devious 'plan' to get out of his marriage, none of it is actually saying, 'I want out'. It's evasive, stupid, cack-handed, and anyway... you have to actually go through with leaving and that does take balls eventually. So... I'd just not read too much into it. Having said that, if you don't want another d-day I wouldn't call him at work. I agree with everything Frannie said.
Author addicted2love Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Hi everyone...thanks for the responses so far. My nature is to over think everything. I believe every thing happens for a reason and I'm still trying to figure out the reason for all of this. Why he came back into my life if he wasn't ready to be with me. Why we still love each other after all these years...etc. etc. Frannie....I did think about the whole "attention" thing in the very beginning that occured to me. According to him he doesn't get much attention at home. It crossed my mind that possibly him getting caught would open her eyes to him...(hey you'd better pay attention or your going to lose me to someone who will) Hell, I don't know. Thank you all for letting me think out loud! A2L
norajane Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Hi everyone...thanks for the responses so far. My nature is to over think everything. I believe every thing happens for a reason and I'm still trying to figure out the reason for all of this. Why he came back into my life if he wasn't ready to be with me. Why we still love each other after all these years...etc. etc. Frannie....I did think about the whole "attention" thing in the very beginning that occured to me. According to him he doesn't get much attention at home. It crossed my mind that possibly him getting caught would open her eyes to him...(hey you'd better pay attention or your going to lose me to someone who will) Hell, I don't know. Thank you all for letting me think out loud! A2L I'm sorry, I haven't read your other posts, so I don't know your backgorund together. I'm pretty sure the answers to your questions lie within you, however. Turn your thoughts inward - why you allowed him back into your life, why you love him after all these years, have you been getting enough attention, will getting caught open your eyes...? Do you see what I mean? You are asking all these questions about him, but the questions that you can actually answer, and should answer to understand why you are where you are, are all about you.
Author addicted2love Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I'm sorry, I haven't read your other posts, so I don't know your backgorund together. I'm pretty sure the answers to your questions lie within you, however. Turn your thoughts inward - why you allowed him back into your life, why you love him after all these years, have you been getting enough attention, will getting caught open your eyes...? Do you see what I mean? You are asking all these questions about him, but the questions that you can actually answer, and should answer to understand why you are where you are, are all about you. Norajane....I know exactly why I let him back in...I know exactly why I don't let him go. That's never been the question. I know why I love him and why I want to be with him. I have spent a lot of time soul searching and trying to rid myself of the feelings I have for this man. And after 17 years they just won't die. Wish they would sometimes but this is not the case. I've always wanted this man. I've always loved this man. He has told me repeatedly that he has always felt the same...can't let it go...all these years he's never been able to stop loving me either...etc. So we stay in marriages that don't fulfill us so that we don't hurt our children. I know that everyone says don't stay for the kids they end up hurting worse in the long run but leaving is easier said than done.
puddleofmud Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 With the shoe on the other foot: here is a difficult question... Do you want him to get caught? Or would you like to think that by him getting caught it would make things easier for you? As in "wishful" thinking? I've been there so I am not judging... I have wished the same (not w/ the EX-MM, however).
Author addicted2love Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 With the shoe on the other foot: here is a difficult question... Do you want him to get caught? Or would you like to think that by him getting caught it would make things easier for you? As in "wishful" thinking? I've been there so I am not judging... I have wished the same (not w/ the EX-MM, however). I'm not going to lie friend.... the thoughts of him getting caught again have crossed my mind. But in all honesty I care too much about him and his family to purposely cause that termoil for him. If he wants out and desides that getting caught again is the only way to do it then that is on him. I could have done many things to insure that he got caught again...sneeky things like continuing to email him at the address she is now aware of, calling the cell phone late at night when he's working so that she would see missed calls from me on the bill. But I won't do any of that. I haven't actually heard his voice since November. It hurts and pisses me off and I'm about to tell him to get lost because of it. I've written him several good bye emails but am too chicken sh*t to click the send button. I have been thinking about just sending him an email that says "if you don't call me in the next 48 hours I'm done" Because I just can't take it anymore. This isn't how you treat someone you supposedly love. I can understand him being confused, torn all of the above. What I can't understand is why he won't flat out just tell me that. I've been so patient kind and understanding. But my patience is wearing thin. I'm not asking him for anything other than communication. That's what makes me so angry. HE"S the one who is putting all of this pressure on himself to "figure out what to do" I've said nothing about him leaving his W up to this point. I just want to talk to him! Do you think I should give him the ultimatum to call me or I'm done? I know people will tell me "if he wanted to talk to you he'd find a way" but knowing him I personally think that he's just afraid to talk to me. I swore I would never do that but enough is enough.
outofdarkness Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 He's playing games..THAT is what A's are all about. It's the secrecy and lies that keep luring the MM back in...I was thinking this morning...My H and I had some "private time" before we woke up the kids for school...and I thought, WOW, he's watching me brush my teeth, put on alittle perfume, brush my hair, ect...BUT, when he was with his OW's, he just arrived at the door and they were "perfect" and ready to meet his every desire. It's just not real life...Real life, when one is in a committed relationship, is seeing and experiencing the other person in EVERY way....My point is that A's are intoxicating and addictive...They are not real...I'm not saying that the feelings that are felt aren't real, but the whole A as an entity is fake...It's like TV land...These are just my thoughts...Sorry if I offended anyone...
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