johan Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I played a little scenario through in my head tonight while I cleaned the kitchen by myself. I imagined my ex, and how resistant she was to closeness. How much she fought emotional intimacy. And I pretended that I met her, and found out she was married to someone else. And I felt so cheated. I thought of her with her loveless eyes, looking at me with passive interest and a little pity, understanding that we'd probably never see each other again. Saying "how have you been?", but not really caring. I wanted to marry her. I wanted closeness with her. I wanted to be respected and loved by her. I fought for it for a long time. I did all I could, and I even did some things I shouldn't have. But she wouldn't have it. And she'll end up with someone else. Maybe she's met her man already. I've seen that look in women's eyes. That look of having moved on and found happiness. That cold look from eyes that once lit up when they saw me. And I know those eyes still light up, but not for me. My first serious girlfriend broke up with me in a cowardly, half-assed way. She weasled her way into another guy's arms. I met her recently after a long time, and she was with her husband and their new baby. I felt like such a stranger, and I felt like it was completely inappropriate for me to even say hi. But I did, like an idiot, and then I walked away feeling like an ass. My second serious girlfriend and I lived together. But she burst into tears one day after telling me she had been looking for another place to live. And she was married to another guy just over a year later. I did get together with her once, a few months after we broke up. But also sometime after she met him. And I felt like I was wasting her time. And I was, because she was excited to get back in her new boyfriend's car and go home to him. I watched her go, and my whole life turned gray. I've been told "I love you" by several women. None of them are here. None of them wanted to marry me. They "loved" me, but not that much. How can I invest years of time in another woman? Why would I set myself up like that again? I'm just a fool to even consider it. I have a lot of thinking to do. I think I'm fooling myself. I think all this companionship and marriage and relationship bs is not what I was built for. I think it's just not a talent of mine.
magichands Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I imagined my ex, I just knew she wasn't real. Anyway, no use getting hung-up on a figment of one's imagination.
Touche Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! Don't you think everyone thinks like this at one point in their lives or another? Do you really think you're that different? You're not. Sheesh...my dad didn't marry until he met my mom at about your age. He left behind beautiful love letters. Letters that spoke of a past that echo your very words. The last of the letters are heartbreakng...they described how much he missed my mom. How much he missed the family that he waited to have for so long. He was far away on a business trip in Finland. A birthday card came in the mail wishing my three year old sister a happy birthday...and the next day a man came to the door with a telegram telling us that our dear father had been killed by a drunk driver and would be coming home in a body bag and ready for identification. How can I invest years of time in another woman? Why would I set myself up like that again? Why the hell wouldn't you? Is your reality working for you? Is being dead better? How can you invest time in another woman? How can you NOT? And who the hell says it has to be YEARS? I married my H eight months after I met him and coincidentally, so did my mom and dad...they also married eight months after they met. Don't you think you're smart enough at this stage of the game to figure out if someone is worth the rest of your life after a few months? Will it REALLY take you YEARS to figure that out at this stage of the game? If so, then you're not as smart as I thought you were. You ask why you would set yourself up like that again. Who says you have to? Why play the vicitim? Who is in charge here? Who? Are you a man or a mouse?
burning 4 revenge Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 What you describe about them loving you, but not that much and that cold look in their eyes after they moved on was excellent. Vey accurate and realistic view of things. I know how you feel. From what I know about you and what I know about myslef I'm sure your infinitely better off than I am but what do I know really? Chances are if you don't find anyone soon you'll spend the rest of your life alone, but people just have to adapt to circumstances.
Lostgurl Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 How can I invest years of time in another woman? Why would I set myself up like that again? I'm just a fool to even consider it. I have a lot of thinking to do. I think I'm fooling myself. I think all this companionship and marriage and relationship bs is not what I was built for. I think it's just not a talent of mine. No one has a "talent" when it comes to finding some one that is suitable for them. My brother was feeling the same way for years. He has a heart of gold, he had a few relationships where he treated women they way they should have been treated and more. They ended up betraying him and hurting him terribly. He spent quite a few years alone, and it was pretty hard on him, so bad to the point where it hurt him to be at my wedding, i guess it just made him feel that he would never be in that position. But when he was least expecting it at the age of 37 when he figured he'd be a bachelor forever, he found some one awesome, and they both deserve eachother. It happens when you least suspect it. It will happen for you too.
magichands Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 But when he was least expecting it at the age of 37 when he figured he'd be a bachelor forever, he found some one awesome, and they both deserve eachother. It happens when you least suspect it. It will happen for you too. There you go. Problem solved.
Storyrider Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 My first serious girlfriend broke up with me in a cowardly, half-assed way. She weasled her way into another guy's arms. Reflects badly on her. I met her recently after a long time, and she was with her husband and their new baby. I felt like such a stranger, and I felt like it was completely inappropriate for me to even say hi. But I did, like an idiot, and then I walked away feeling like an ass. Maybe you felt stupid b/c you gave her respect she didn't deserve after being weasely? My second serious girlfriend and I lived together. But she burst into tears one day after telling me she had been looking for another place to live. Mature, womanly behavior? I've been told "I love you" by several women. None of them are here. None of them wanted to marry me. They "loved" me, but not that much. A fairly straight forward statement of the facts. So far so good. How can I invest years of time in another woman? Why would I set myself up like that again? I'm just a fool to even consider it. I have a lot of thinking to do. I think I'm fooling myself. I think all this companionship and marriage and relationship bs is not what I was built for. I think it's just not a talent of mine. Here is where you go off track. Why are you turning your frustration and disappointment on yourself? One acted weasely and one cried her way out of things. And somehow this was your failure? Give yourself more credit.
Author johan Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I go through periods of feeling really sorry for myself. I come back to these threads sometimes and think I'm such a sap. But I can't change it. I wrote it, and I'll stand by it. It's what I think. I'm just glad no one who knows me in real life gets to read this stuff. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to move on. I'm not completely hopeless. But I do struggle to keep a positive outlook. I hate being alone. And I sometimes think that's how it's going to be for me. But more often I just think of ways that it won't. It would be nice to see some progress. I'm not in worse shape than a lot of other single people my age. There are a lot of people trying to tell me I have things going for me. And I'm thankful for that.
magichands Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I go through periods That doesn't sound normal. There are a lot of people trying to tell me I have things going for me. And I'm thankful for that. You are quite the catch. Funny, and... funny, and... you are the funniest dude, dude. And a sense of humour is so sexy. You'll be just fine once you've dealt with the bloodletting.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 For those of us past thirty the best parts of our lives are over. I hate the idea of being alone, but I'm not sure how much it matters. The idea of having to satisfy someone else's ambitions of hapiness sounds like so much pressure. Can another person bring you hapiness? For some, yes, for many others no. I don't really get you totally, though. I understand the lonliness, but from what you say you're physically healthy and more than financially secure. Is it so hard for someone like you to find eligible women? That scares me then. I'm screwed (sorry to focus on me, but by nature I'm a selfish person).
magichands Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 , but from what you say you're physically healthy and more than financially secure. It's true - life can be a lot harder (no pun intended). A pussy is all that's missing from this dream. Or a dog.
Storyrider Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 What you describe about them loving you, but not that much and that cold look in their eyes after they moved on was excellent. Do you think you tend to choose, or attract, women who are emotionally distant? On here you come across as reserved and kind of private. Not quite aloof, but almost. But then on occasion you are pretty candid and emotional. Not knowing you well this is totally a shot in the dark. But if a woman were emotionally unavailable, she might find a reserved guy attractive, and then be dismayed when he wanted to open up and be a more emotional person in private.
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