chill chic Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I was raised in a Catholic family, went to church & all until I was in college. Now I don't practice or go to church, since college-about 6 years ago. My mom is actually like head of our church, so she's very devout in her Catholic faith. Anyway...I met this guy who was raised in a Jewish family. He is the same as me though, hasn't practiced it since he was in school, he is now 30 years-old (I'm 25). So he's not as strict, just like me. I know there is a big difference in both of our religions, but...could this type of relationship ever work out? I know we might have problems raising kids, but even that might be something we can work out. I actually asked my mom if I were to date someone out of my religion, even mentioning someone (didn't say the guy) that as raised Jewish, and she told me it wouldn't work out, and pretty much condoned the idea It made me really sad, that even if this guy was the perfect match for me, everything that I need & want in a guy, that she wouldn't care just because he was raised Jewish. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience on/with this? I need to know how to handle this, because I really want this relationship to work.
Storyrider Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Didn't you just post a thread on this about a week or so ago? I responded to it the first time but you never came back to it.
Author chill chic Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Didn't you just post a thread on this about a week or so ago? I responded to it the first time but you never came back to it. you know what...I did sorry it's been awhile since I've been on here lol wups. I'll have to go back & pull it up. In any event, I talked to my mom about this very situation and that's what she said. Where do I go with this? Should it really matter what she thinks though or what position should I take on this?
Storyrider Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Well, there comes a time when to be an adult you need to move forward with your life without regard to your parents. I had to learn that in my 20s, esp. with my mother, as you are saying, and it was a hard break to make. That being said, it doesn't help an interfaith relationship if your extended family is openly hostile. You might want to read what I wrote in the other thread, esp. about Jewish/Catholic differences.
bluetuesday Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 it won't be easy, but then no relationship is easy. my comments about your thread are these: you're 25 and the fact that your mother is a bigot shouldn't affect who you choose for a partner. you have to live with him, you have to get along with him. her disapproval won't be nice but if she refuses to support you, then she is effectively taking the choice to opt out of your life where your relationship is concerned. it's up to you if you choose her over this man, because that seems to be what she's asking you to do. you say 'should it really matter what she thinks?' and the answer is no, it shouldn't. but it DOES matter to you, and that is understandable. however, you need to realise there is nothing you can do to change her mind. no matter how great this guy is, she seems to have a fundamental objection to you being with someone outside your faith. so all you can change is your reaction to her opinions. basically, you need to detach yourself from your mother's expectations for your life. you will then be free to make a choice about this man that doesn't involve her or anyone else who isn't actually in the relationship. if neither you nor this man are religious now, whatever faith you happened to be raised in should be irrelevant. you aren't born a catholic or a jew. you are born a human being - it's your parents, and later on yourself, who decide what religious label to put on you. so decide how much parental involvement you want in your future family, how much their support means to you and how you would cope without it before you proceed. regarding children, IMO there is nothing wrong with a child having exposure to two faiths, in fact i think it's healthy to learn about the similarities that run through different expressions of faith. bottom line is, if you find the man for you and he happens to be jewish, you'd be a fool to let what your mother thinks affect your decision. you'd end up resenting her for it and you'd let a great guy escape. what kind of life is that?
Storyrider Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 the fact that your mother is a bigot shouldn't affect who you choose for a partner. you have to live with him, you have to get along with him. her disapproval won't be nice but if she refuses to support you, then she is effectively taking the choice to opt out of your life where your relationship is concerned. it's up to you if you choose her over this man, because that seems to be what she's asking you to do. I don't think she asked her mom about this specific guy, only about the hypothetical idea of marrying a Jew. Her mom told her she didn't think it would work. It doesn't necessarily follow that her mom is a bigot. If her mother is a very religious Catholic, it is natural that she would want her daughter to marry in the faith. She also may be anticipating the types of conflicts and heartache that could arise in a worst case scenario and hoping to spare her daughter those problems. I agree with you that CC can't base her decision on her mother's opinion. But I wouldn't vilify the mom. At least not based on what I know so far. if neither you nor this man are religious now, whatever faith you happened to be raised in should be irrelevant. I would say that is oversimplifying things. Lifecycle events like weddings, births, etc. and then the whole process of raising children tends to make people want to return to the traditions in which they were raised. That is where the conflict comes in and you should anticipate this and have a specific plan. For example, if you were to marry, would you want to be married by a Catholic priest? Would he want a rabbi? How would you resolve this?
mental_traveller Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 In my experience it depends how seriously you take your views, and whether you can agree to disagree, whether you insist on foisting your religious views on your partner and any future kids, and how you react to your parents/relatives trying to foist their views on you. For example, what if in 5 years you are getting married, and your mother says there is no way she will approve of you marrying a jew or raising your kids as anything other than catholic? What if she cuts contact and threatens to disinherit you for your actions? What if your bf or his parents insist on your coverting to Judaism? What if they insist on raising the kids Jewish? What are you going to do then? The only way it will work is if everyone involved is relaxed in their views, happy to keep their beliefs personal and live & let live, or if you & your bf are prepared to tolerate each other's beliefs, say screw everyone else, and just do it regardless. From my personal experience, I'm an atheist and had a long relationship with a woman who was religious but not in a hardcore way. The topic simply did not ever come up in a way to cause dispute - she believed in god and I didn't, but we just viewed that as having a different view on the world and nothing more. But most people are not tolerant and open-minded, they will want to live a certain way in line with their beliefs, they will want to brainwash their kids with their own beliefs, so if you think different then it can cause problems. My main advice would be to discuss these issues *now*, rather than in 18 months when you are much closer & it's harder to end the relationship over a fundamental incompatibility.
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