mzlove78 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Does anyone else have a mm that doesnt want you to see anyone else? If so, how does that make you feel, what is your response to him? He claims that he doesnt mind that i have male friends, and that i go out or whatever because some of the things i want, he knows he cant be here to do with me, but says he cant handle that i would be sleeping with someone else. Says that if he is satisfying me, that i shouldnt WANT to be with anyone else.... Dont get me wrong, I really care for him, but lets be realistic, he has a W... he goes home to. We spend a good amount of time together, but then comes nite time, and im going to bed alone. I feel like im not allowing myself to meet the person who may really take interest in me and my kids, due to the fact of the situation i have myself in.... I get so frustrated at times with myself on this, I have come so far from losing my husband almost 3 years now... I have learned ALOT about myself, I make my own decisions now, answer to NOONE now, and yet i have lowered myself to this.. on the flipside, I LOVE HIM DEEPLY.......
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 But don't you see, you're loving a man who isn't available to you on every level, which means you're settling for scraps, someone else's husband and you're taking what's leftover. You ARE allowing it to happen, you're letting him have his cake and eat it too. Make your standards higher and stop lowering them for this selfish MM.
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 but lets be realistic, he has a W... he goes home to. Your own words.... read them.... Love doesn't make a relationship with a MM happen it makes it harder to accept the fact it wasn't meant to be..
Author mzlove78 Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Thanks to you all....... I know what i NEED to do, but its easier said than done. It seems when we start getting closer, I START PULLING AWAY..... He was the one that pointed that out, and i know its because im scared of whats going to happen in the long run... Again, thanks......
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 but its easier said than done. Yes it is.. otherwise this forum would be empty.. Keep Pulling Away
frannie Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I don't know whether it's love or not. You can argue that both ways. When you love someone you don't want to think of them sleeping with other people (and that goes for YOU too!). On the other hand, for a MM to put that sort of restriction on you is something of a cheek (understatement). As an OW you're NOT being satisfied most of the time, and you ARE a free-agent, and a MM shouldn't be so damned selfish as to put restrictions like that on you... it's not a normal relationship. In the case of an affair, a MM laying down rules like that... well, it's just selfish in my opinion. I wouldn't stand for it, certainly. I just realised I read the title as 'is it love?' (because of your name!). Well, I'll just say that NO, it's NOT fair!
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Is it fair? Well, lets see... he gets a whole life plus half of yours, and forbids you to do more than settle for the crumbs he throws your way when he can get out of the house without his wife finding out. Don't you and your family deserve more? Every second you spend with this guy who offers you crumbs, you are stealing from the guy who can give you (and your kids) the whole cake. Think about what it is you love most about this guy. What is it? Is it really HIM that you love, or is it the idea of love itself that you are clinging to? When you were young and starting out in life, did you tell yourself that what you wanted out of a relationship was to be some married guy's side item? To be hidden as a secret? To have no expectations of the relationship? To fall in love with the type of guy who lies and cheats? Is that the type of man you want your kids looking up to? No, of course not. Says that if he is satisfying me, that i shouldnt WANT to be with anyone else.... Did it ever occur to him that being some married guy's side item isn't exactly a satisfying existance? He is implying that being kept on the side and having sex behind his wife's back should be "enough" for you. Ask yourself this: IS it enough for you? Don't you want more out of life than this?
MySugaree Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Affair addictions are the worst. On the one hand, the OW loves her MM and desparately needs his love and affection to fuel the ultimately incomplete and unsatisfying relationship. On the other hand, when alone, which she often is, the OW feels shortchanged, debased, cheated of a "real" 24/7 relationship. Ironically, those very factors that make even the hottest Affairs ultimately unsatisfying--the MM's unavailability, the OW's loneliness, the secretiveness and social censure--make the OW even more emotionally dependent upon, and in love with, the MM.It makes it harder for her to free herself and re-enter the market in search of a whole, 24/7 relationship. The Affair Bubble can be a prison. Affairs are paralyzing. At some point, however, the MM's "hold" will loosen, the "spell" broken and the OW will make her great escape. When free of the Affair's debased and paralyzing dependency, she'll look back and think to yourself: "What a fool I've been. Why did I waste my best years with him?" Why indeed.
frannie Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Affair addictions are the worst. On the one hand, the OW loves her MM and desparately needs his love and affection to fuel the ultimately incomplete and unsatisfying relationship. On the other hand, when alone, which she often is, the OW feels shortchanged, debased, cheated of a "real" 24/7 relationship. Ironically, those very factors that make even the hottest Affairs ultimately unsatisfying--the MM's unavailability, the OW's loneliness, the secretiveness and social censure--make the OW even more emotionally dependent upon, and in love with, the MM.It makes it harder for her to free herself and re-enter the market in search of a whole, 24/7 relationship. The Affair Bubble can be a prison. Affairs are paralyzing. At some point, however, the MM's "hold" will loosen, the "spell" broken and the OW will make her great escape. When free of the Affair's debased and paralyzing dependency, she'll look back and think to yourself: "What a fool I've been. Why did I waste my best years with him?" Why indeed. Hello. You make some good points, though they sound a lot like an abusive relationship... all that isolation and not being able to tell anyone. I suppose in some senses, and in some affairs abuse is what's going on. But not all. It's not the intention of the MM to isolate the OW necessarily. It's a really bad side-effect of being in an affair. And actually today I decided that being as this thing I'm involved in is going to go on and on now... I'm just going to tell everyone I've been holding off on telling and let the chips fall where they may, as the saying goes. I've been not-telling family members and people I thought might eventually come into contact with his family when we get together: don't want our stories not to match up. But now he's said ack, can't leave til they're a lot older I see this: he's putting the whole thing at risk of a D-day and me having to pretend we didn't know each other for a decade. That's just nonsense. So... no more concealment in my life. From today, people are just going to know what's happening. Hurrah for my social life beginning again!
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Nope it's not fair... But sometimes they just don't get it, do they? They don't see that if we applied the same rules to them, we wouldn't be in the relationship in the first case! Men...not the sharpest pencils in the pencil case sometimes are they? (Sorry OM on the forum lol ) However...if you feel the MM is preventing you from meeting a person you want to be with, maybe the R is not for you. I'm at the other end of the scale, I used to wish I was INTERESTED in inding someone else, but I never felt like I could find someone who would measure up to him and therefore didn't bother/couldn't get an interest in looking for another person.
MySugaree Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 That's the pathos. Most MM are decent, not abusive, guys. It's the asymmetric, inherently unequal Affair relationship --engaged family guy versus his often lonely OW--that's potentially abusive. It's all about Affair length. At an Affair's beginning, when the sex hormones are raging, the lack of balance and mutual satisfaction is mostly ignored.Sex is a great anesthetic. Later, however, when the sexual intensity levels off, and the time lengthens,the lack of symmetry sits like an 800 lb gorilla in the middle of the relationship. It cannot be ignored any longer. Most unmarried women are unhappy with the prospect of being a long time mistress. Most want a mate in an open, public, legitimate relationship. The longer the Affair, the greater the OW's unhappiness, and the instability. The ideal Affair should last no longer than 6 months to a year. After that, tears of sadness and anger often replace the tears of joy.
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