Tired of the drama

[fanable]

DH and I have been together since high school - a little over 10 years now. We've been married for 8 years. We have 2 children, ages 3 1/2 and 2.

 

I haven't been happy with our marriage for a long time. For starters, DH has always been emotionally distant. When his father passed away while I was pregnant with DD 2, he seemed to totally shut himself off. I suspected in the initial time period afterwards that he was trying to handle his grief in his own way and tried to make allowances for his behavior - the moodiness, the anger, etc. After about a year of dealing with this (and getting nowhere despite my attempts to talk to him or encourage him to talk to a therapist), I realized that most of his anger was being directed at me, and most of that was blaming me for everything going wrong.

 

His father and I didn't really get to know each other very well - his dad was a very stern man and frankly I had an extremely hard time learning how to relate to him. DH took my discomfort as that I didn't want his dad over to visit, or that I didn't want him (DH) to see his dad very often. I will admit that I took issue with the way he treated DH - still demanding that he do things for him, constantly finding fault with things that DH did do - but I didn't once ask DH to not see him or invite him over. After his dad's death, he actually looked at me and said "You're the one that didn't want him over."

 

So, I'm pretty sure that he has a lot of anger/resentment towards me. Everything seems to be my fault in one shape or another, according to him. I have to walk on eggshells around him because no matter how I ask him a question - be it about why the garbage isn't taken out or where something I'm looking for is - he gets incredibly defensive and starts yelling (ie, raising his voice) at me.

 

We had a nasty blowout last week. He wanted to do something for his mom that I was fairly certain was illegal. I approached him about this and pointed out the possible reprocussions of his actions, and told him if he was that set on doing it he should talk to the people in charge. Well, he filpped and started yelling at me about what the hell was I talking about; he knew what he was doing and I shouldn't stick my nose where it didn't belong, and on and on. Long story short, he did end up asking the people in charge - well, his mom did - and found out it was in fact illegal. But this is the perfect example of how ballistic he gets if I question his judgement.

 

I'm to the point now where I can barely stand to be around him. Conversations between us are superficial or kept to bills, how the kids are doing, etc. I am not interested in him sexually anymore - partly because 8 out of 10 times when I would make an advance he would complain about how tired he was or he was full from just eating, and partly because I was having to initiate sex almost every time. We have sex maybe once a month.

 

He seems to view me as this raving mega-bitch. Everything that comes out of my mouth is nagging or mean, and I can never be happy with anything he does. I pointed out that I didn't, in fact, only talk to him to "yell" (his term for any topic that isn't like those I mentioned in the previous paragraph), and that he seemed to be the only person (out of our friends and family) that seemed to think that. His response? "They don't have to live with you"

 

My self esteem is in the toilet now. I wonder if I really am a bitch, if I'm really that mean and vindictive, even though I know that's not the case. True, I have my moments (everyone does), but it's extremely rare I get absolutely furious.

 

I've tried talking to him many many many times over the years. Sometimes he'll promise to change, sometimes he'll sit and just stare at me, then get pissy when I ask him what he thinks. I've suggested counseling for him, for me, and/or for both of us, but he doesn't believe in therapy. When I suggested marriage counseling he said "Well, if we go in there and they take your side then I'm the bad guy and if they take mine then you're the bad guy. Nobody wins." I explained that a marriage counseler is there to help couples determine what the root of the problems they're experiencing are, and ways to work towards a common ground. Still no dice.

 

Throw in some other stuff like how I feel totally unappreciated, how I have to pull teeth to get help with the kids, and how sick I am of feeling like no matter what type of job I hold it can't possibly be as hard of work as his (he's actually told me this before), and you're looking at one unhappy gal

 

I feel dead inside. The thought of having to share the rest of my life with him makes me feel very sad and filled with dread. Our girls have stood by and watched when he's yelled at me, stormed out, and I sit down and burst into tears. I don't want to take my children's father away but I don't want to be unhappy like this either.

 

Any thoughts? Am I just being oversensitive, selfish?

[Ladyjane14]

Wow... I can REALLY identify with alot of what you posted, particularly during the time when my kids were small. Happily, my husband and I came out on the other side and we're fully recovered today. Not to say that it came without CRISIS though.

 

It's unfortunate, but sometimes a man won't listen to his wife until he HAS to. That said, there's no reason why you can't start small, and then 'up the ante' as necessary. You don't need a Sherman Tank to swat a fly, right?

 

I think if I were you... I'd start with Marriage Counseling. You stated that your husband isn't willing to go with you, true... but that shouldn't stop YOU from going. I think it would probably help you feel a bit more supported in your position. You're wondering at this point if your expectations are unwarrented. Just based on this one little post, I'd say 'no'. But you'll get a more detailed and professional opinion from a licensed practitioner.

 

Give your member services number on your health insurance a call. They can give you a run-down on whatever benefits you might have and a list of providers.

 

Generally, it takes about 2 weeks to get an appointment. Once you have it all lined up, certainly INVITE your husband, but stop short of making it mandatory. He's going to be curious about what's being discussed anyway.... and be prepared, he's probably going to be nasty about it. Don't allow what is essentially his problem to become your own. Answer any questions he has, but don't let him engage you in conflict over it. Just remind him that he's welcome to tag along if he wants.

 

Also... there's only this one post to go on, but has your husband been screened for depression?

It tends to manifest itself as anger in men.

[Reckless]

Sad but true but as Jane says things will change even if it takes a crisis to bring this about. You cannot carry such resentment and neglect and your husband cannot distance himself through drepression and resentment without the whole thing festering and bubbling over eventually.

 

I would second Jane's advice, since the old methods have clearly not worked you should try and change tack. Go ahead and get the support you need; for yourself, your marriage and ultimately your children you should find a channel for your own feelings. Find a councellor, a marriage support group a theropist, a minister... why not just grit your teeth and bear it? Quite simply because you can't. No human can over the long run.

 

It certainly does sound like your husband is suffering from depression and that his low sex drive and bursts of temper are a symptoms of this - you may have to match him for iron determination to make him see that these things are detemental to your marriage.

 

You strike me as intelligent and eloquent and have got your situation down pat but I wonder if you have accommodated his behaviour in order 'keep the peace'. Your husband (as have we all) has been raised in a certain way with certain models of what it means to be a husband and a father - these models are set by our parents and we rarely stray from them. If you want to set a new way you have to be strong not bow to the pattern and be eaten away with bitterness and resentment while your doing it. That's not honest or productive. If you don't want to live without sex, with a husband that cannot discuss issues without demeaning you, with a possible depressive that won't seek help or medication, if you don't want to live without comfort or communication TELL HIM and make it clear that much as you love him you refuse to live the next 50 years this way just to have 'a quiet life'!

 

I'm not saying provoke a crisis unless of course open honest communication brings the house down in which case, since it'll come down sooner or later, provoke away!

[jl5099]

Your life and mine could easily be mixed up. With the exception of me having to iniate sex. It's the other way around for us. I am right now in an argument with my husband via email because I thought that writing instead of talking might get better results. (we can't talk we fight and the subject never gets resolved) So I asked him if I was wasting my time or if WE could work this out. His answer, I will do anything to help this marriage but not until you fix your problems. I was trying everything in my power to make it about us instead of a blaming game, but my efforts failed. I'm probably not helping you, but my solution for this is to go to counseling for myself now and just go from there. After almost 12 years of marriage I hope I can save my family!!!

[Ladyjane14]

His answer, I will do anything to help this marriage but not until you fix your problems.

 

Hold the phone.... If you have a problem, then HE has a problem.

That's what it means to be partners. You're team-mates afterall, or at least you're SUPPOSED to be. The whole team suffers when one member has unaddressed needs. And since Mr. Wiseguy thinks YOU have bigger issues... I guess it just makes sense that they be given first priority. By both of you. Tell him he best get to it then.

[MoonGirl]

fanable,

 

All of this sounds so familiar with the exception that my H eventually became physically abusive toward me and one of our 2 kids. The screaming, yelling, put-downs, blaming, unwillingness to help, blaming, and more blaming became unbearable for me. The eventual physical abuse really woke me up. But what I realized is that his behavior toward me had been abusive all along; hitting is not the only form of abuse.

 

Your H is probably depressed, and he is blaming you for everything instead of taking the initiative to get some help. He probably doesn't realize how abusive he is being and he probably cannot see the implications of his behavior. Maybe he is so depressed that he just doesn't care anymore.

 

My H was abused as a child by his parents. I have concluded that his self-esteem is so low that he feels the need to put me and all others around him down constantly so he feels better about himself. This is not exactly the same problem your H seems to have, but the effects are similar. Your H makes you feel like crap by blaming you for everything, belittling everything you do (like your job), and the outcome is that you're walking on eggshells in your own home. This is no way to live.

 

Get some therapy for yourself and be sure to put down some ground rules for your H. I no longer tolerate yelling, insulting, etc in front of the kids. It's not respectful to me and not fair to the kids. If it happens, I tell him what he is doing is not acceptable and I take the kids and leave with them. As for helping me around the house, his general answer has remained the same, "if you don't like it dirty, then clean it. It's not MY problem." I hired a maid. And he has refused therapy, self-help books, and any real conversation regarding change (everything is all my fault in his opinion - he doesn't need to change). Since I can't force him to get the help he needs, I am leaving him.

 

I don't agree with those who say ultimatums don't work. You know you can't continue to live like you do. If your H treats you like garbage, won't deal with his problems, won't go to therapy, won't help with the kids, etc, what are you supposed to do? Be a servant to him and walk on eggshells for life?

 

If you offer to help your H and to work on your marriage, at least you'll know you tried.

 

Here is some interesting Dr Phil advice about fighting in front of the kids:

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/260

 

and staying together for the kids:

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/37

[fanable]

Wow - you have no idea how much relief I felt to see that I probably am not overreacting

 

I have no doubt in my mind that he is depressed, and that the death of his father only made it worse. He absolutely, 100% will not see a therapist or even talk to someone like a minister. This has to do with his mom seeing one when he was small and "the counseler turned us [him, his brother, and dad] into bad guys"....something I am sure he did not come up with himself, if you know what I mean.

 

I should certainly have seen it coming in one form or another - his father was not very nice to his mom, from what I've been told and witnessed. They "stayed together for us, even though they didn't sleep in the same bedroom and fought all the time." I guess I thought well, that was them and this is us and it doesn't have to be that way. It certainly feels that way now though

 

I've told him many times that I don't want him to raise his voice to me in front of the kids, to no avail. I've outlined the issues that I mentioned above, explaining my reasoning for why it bothers me. I've tried discussing these things so many times I just can't talk to him about it anymore. Occasionally he'll say he will try and do better and nothing every changes. I've tried being mellow, I've tried getting furious, I've tried being firm....you name a tactic for talking to him about things like that that are bothering me, and I've probably tried it.

 

... but I wonder if you have accommodated his behaviour in order 'keep the peace'.

 

I have. I hate to admit it but I know I've done this. I hate confrontation and I hate when people get upset with me (I've always been the peacemaker with family and friends), so a lot of times I would simply give in rather than fight. This hasn't been the case as much recently as I've simply stopped trying to be Mrs Nice Guy with him (in the sense that I won't let him walk on me so much). That's still 7 or 8 years where I did put up with it, though :\

 

I've been trying to determine if our insurance will cover counseling close to home; I need to do something. Even if our marriage is in fact over, I need some type of outlet.

 

It's funny; before I would mope when he had to go to work because I would miss him and now I feel like I breathe easier when he's not around. When people talk about stuff that we're (me and DH) going to do in the future I cringe inside. I look at him and get tense, on guard. And I know that that's just not right.

[MoonGirl]

fanable,

 

Yes, get some therapy. If your insurance won't cover it, contact your local women's shelter. They will help you even if you're not being physically abused.

[fanable]

I was finally able to locate a few places nearby that our insurance covers, so I'll be making an appt tomorrow.

 

The seesaw of emotions I feel is overwhelming. One minute I tentatively feel like things are okay, maybe I was just a having a bad week. The next I feel this coldness creep over me like I need to just be civil, nothing more. The next I'm angrier than I've ever been before. The next I'm bawling my eyes out because I just want to be out of this situation.

 

Something that makes me realize how much trouble we're in is the fact that there's a woman my H works with who is young, cute, outgoing personality. A year ago when he would talk about her I'd feel jealous, like I needed to keep an eye on things. Now I don't care. When he gets sick - I feel no sympathy towards him. If he has bad day at work - oh, well.

 

That is not like me at all. I'm a nurturer (sp?) by nature; if someone is sick I want to help them feel better. If someone had a bad day I want to hear about and if nothing else be able to listen while they vent. But when it comes to my H I just don't - or can't - care anymore. I don't like the person I am when I'm around him.

 

One of my best friends commented that they're surprised I didn't realize sooner the way he treats me. My mom - who makes it a hard and fast rule to stay out of our marriage - has said that she knows I'm unhappy with H, the way he treats me isn't right, and that if me and the kids need a place to stay her door is open.

 

Any sadness I feel is attributed more to the fact that I allowed myself to put up with it this long, and that I took so long to wake up to things.

 

Am I nuts?

[redfathom]

There is a song my Leah Andreone that goes:

 

"You speak my name I hear nothing, you sahre your dreams I see nothing, you touch my face I feel nothing." What you feel is sadness that your life took this direction.

 

On some levels I can relate to it. I to am in a similar situation, I have been with my H for almost 10 years, since I was 15. He too is emotionally abusive, everything is my fualt there are no problems other then the ones in mu head, ect. For three years since we have been having problems I have trying to accomadate him, if I was mad or hurt and I would tell him he became more angry and hurt then me and he was the victim and what I was upset about I ended up apologizing for. But not anymore, I am so much stronger, I think that comes with age and discovering who I am and what I feel I expect. i too wonder how can I spend the rest of my life like this with this man, how can I invest another 50-60 years with him if nothing was to change.

 

I wish I had some advice, but I to needed justification and I am saying that you are not alone and your feelings are valid.

[debilou]

Oh my! You have told my story . . . only difference is that my DH walked out on us (me 41, DS 14, DS 9). That was 2 years 4 months ago, but who's counting.

 

You put into words my entire marriage, I NEVER worked as hard as he did. In his mind anyway. I could not understand his weird thoughts about that. Work is work. Why was I his target? Hind sight is 20/20.

 

Our kids were my responsibility, 100%. He earned the money and I did all domestic things. I always worked a part time job but come on that was nothing compared to him. He was completely distant, emotionally cut off.

 

His parents were terrible examples. His dad had repeated affairs. My MIL divorced him when my H was 18. But the kicker . . . she moved back in with him a year later. He continued to have relationships with other women. I do not know how she lived like that. She is an intelligent woman, great job, great money, attractive, but a complete victim to him.

 

Just before my H moved out, he called me at my part time job and said "you need to get a job with benefits". I was supportive of his obvious mental instability. I did everything I could to fix things. I did get a job with benefits. We were married for 18 years and he always had the benefits for our family.

 

Long story short. He moved out on his 40th bday. That was about 2 months after he told me how unhappy he was with me. He actually had a list of all the things that were wrong and ofcourse they were all my fault. He had been gone 4 months and he quit his job. I have supplied the insurance for our family for 2 years. Something I'm very proud of.

 

Back to you. It's not you being over sensitive. Don't let him fool you. I believed everything my H told me. Everything was my fault. So I thought for a long time. Point being, it's not you.

 

You've found a great avenue to get some much needed information. LS is great for you. We're here for you. You seem to be incredibly intelligent and on track with what you're going thru. You will come out of this just fine. Just remember . . . the only person you can change is you. He has to do the work on himself by himself. My STBXH wasn't willing to go that far. It was easier to blame me for his unhappiness.

 

Keep posting ! Debilou

[MoonGirl]

fanable,

 

You're cerainly not nuts!

 

I'm so glad you're going to see a therapist. Be sure to also pick up a copy of "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out" by Patricia Evans. It will help validate some of the feelings you've been having, and help you realize which behaviors are abusive and how you can respond to them. I know this sounds strange to those who have not been emotionally abused, but for those of us who have been, we often think everything is our fault (that's what we've been told!).

 

I know how you feel about H regarding lack of sympathy and empathy. My H brought home a girl the other day he said he had met at the mall. I was like, "oh, okay." It occured to me that I should be terribly angry and throw a fit, but I just didn't care. lol.

 

I'm moving out of my house in 5 days. I am nervous, but I am so excited to start a new life void of abuse.

 

You'll get through this!

[MoonGirl]

I forgot to mention that it is normal for a woman/man not to recognize emtional abuse for a long long time in a relationship. Eventually, though, it becomes unbearable and everything comes to light. What you're going through is completely normal!

 

This article may help you (it helped me!) understand many of the reasons why you might have stayed with your H for so long despite the way he treats you:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/stockholm.html

[Ugh]

I can also relate. Been married for almost 6 yrs together for 10. I left the house about 2 mos ago. My husband too worked way harder than I and made more money so anything I did did not compare. (let me mention I have a full time job and own a small business that I work at 20-25 hours per week as well)

 

My H is in therapy and I am in therapy - seperatly. This happened prior to me leaving. He was making changes, but to me, it was too little too late. I was happy that he was making the necessary changes but I was unable to appreciate them.

 

Since moving out - he is now on the pleading kick. I am sure that if you make a step to leave your H will do the same thing. THey can't lose; they act like it is a competition - crazy. He will make you feel even more crazy then he already has if you leave - it gets sooo much harder. I have to have serious strength when I talk to him. Part of you will want to go back and believe him and the other part will want to stay as far away as possible. It sucks!

[Ladyjane14]

Great post, Debilou... particularly this part:

 

It's not you being over sensitive. Don't let him fool you. I believed everything my H told me. Everything was my fault. So I thought for a long time. Point being, it's not you.

 

She's right. If you click on her user name, you'll find her thread pretty easily. Debilou is a great example of someone who really searched her heart, examined what she brought to the table... and then realized that her husband was a defective ASSCLOWN. ( I think sometimes I get madder on her behalf than she does. This guy completely FLAKED OUT, and left her with two kids and no resources. )

 

Anyway, nobody here really knows what's going on in YOUR situation. We can make educated guesses and tell you that sometimes even a good guy can get his head screwed on wrong and still come back from that. But sometimes the guy just isn't worth all the effort. Only you can make that determination.

 

I would urge BOTH of you ladies, Fanable and Redfathom, to be as honest as you can in your appraisal of what both you and your mate are bringing to the table. And then to spend some time thinking about what you NEED from a partner. Not what you want, but rather what you NEED. 'Wants' can be worked around and negotiated. 'Needs' cannot. If there's just no way that these guys can pony up the basic necessities... that information needs to be factored into your equations.

[fanable]

Was finally able to make an appointment for IC on Thursday afternoon. I'm hoping it will at least help me figure out what I want to do with my life.

 

This roller coaster of emotions is really hard. I don't understand why I'll be fine one minute and sobbing the next. Then I'll just feel dull. It stinks

[MoonGirl]

Great! I think IC will help you a lot.

 

Keep posting too!

[Ms.Smith]

I have a somewhat similar situation to this. I really don't think my husband is abusive in any way, he just has a lot of problems. He really needs IC, but that's not the point.

It's not that he blames me for things, but he's very grumpy. Day and night he is in a negative mood, and for a while he was taking it all out on me. He told me several times that I was the only one he felt comfortable taking it out on. He told me that he knew I would still love him no matter what he said to me. I guess I just didn't feel the same. He also says all the time that I'm "too sensitive" and I'm "taking things the wrong way".

About 6 months ago it was at it's worst and I started contemplating different ways out. I finally decided to just tell him that I was thinking about leaving. I couldn't handle his negativity towards me. He said he would change, but he didn't understand how I could consider leaving. He thought I was supposed to stay with him "for better or for worse".

I've stayed with him this far and he has changed significantly, but I'm not getting any happier. I think maybe I just don't like living with him.

I don't think you're being oversensitive or selfish at all. You've tolerated a lot more than I was able to.

Even if you do get changes out of your H, can you really recover from the damage he's already done? Will you ever really be happy living with him?

If you do decide to leave him, I don't think he'll be nice about it. He might expect you to stay forever and deal with whatever he dishes out (the whole "for better or for worse" thing). He may be very surprised and upset if you mention divorce to him. Be careful.

I also recognize the ups and downs that you're going through. I have these and I think it's because I'm depressed. When you get to the couselor you may be able to handle this better. Good luck!

[fanable]

Even if you do get changes out of your H, can you really recover from the damage he's already done? Will you ever really be happy living with him?

At this point I would say no, I don't think I'd be happy living with him. Too little too late, so to speak.

 

I know I haven't been happy for a long time, but the ups and downs from this is brand new to me. I've heard other people say that they had "that moment" - the one where they 'woke up' and realized how unhappy they were. It was after the incidient a couple of weeks ago that I would define as that moment for me.

 

I find myself constantly beating myself up for not seeing things so clearly a lot sooner. I think to myself that if I weren't so stupid or stubborn I probably would have. This leads to thoughts about how unattractive I must be to have wanted so desparately to make things work no matter what the cost to me was. I know (I hope) that that isn't really true, but knowing something in your head and heart can be 2 different things sometimes.

 

If it were my sisters, my mom, or my daughters, I would've been able to spot it so much faster. I guess the whole "being too close to the forest to see the trees" motto isn't necessarily wrong.

 

Yesterday I tried joking around with H and was responded to with an "That was supposed to be funny?" - typical response from him when I make a joke. I'm supposed to laugh at all of his jokes but I very rarely get a laugh from him when I make one.

 

Something that occured to me was the fact that H is pretty much emotionally unavailable, as was my father when I was younger (last time I saw him was when I was 7). History repeating itself.

 

Ugh...the more I realize the more I want to crawl under a rock and hibernate for a while.

[debilou]

Don't rely too much on your thought about whether you do or do not want to stay with him. This is just the beginning of a LONG rollercoaster of what you will think you want. Try to relax. I couldn't, but I have to tell you it's best to breathe. Just breathe. I'm a VERY overly emotional, hyperactive person. So you can imagine how watching my family fall apart felt for me.

 

I still beat myself up for not seeing what I should have. I literally wasted my entire adult life on a jerk. I could tell you stories of how mistreated I was but it's pointless. A joke I used to make was "I'm lucky my H was there when our children were conceived!". He was never with us but I didn't see this as an obvious sign that he didn't want to be.

 

Beating ourselves up will get us no where fast. Again, this is "do as I say not as I do". PMS is hard for me, that's when I have all the regrets of not standing up for myself.

 

We can't change the past but we can control our future choices. I am struggling with that now. Trying to make new positive changes. Don't get me wrong. I have more peace and less worry being on my own. He was more of a liability for our family.

 

He STILL tries to play games with me. You're never finished with them when you have kids together, it just changes the conflict.

 

Take your time. Don't rush the D thing. We're here for you.

 

Take care of YOU, Debilou

[MoonGirl]

fanable,

 

I know how you feel about wanting to beat yourself up, but take debilou's advice: it won't do you any good to blame yourself. You need all the strength you have to work on yourself and take care of your kids.

 

I'm a little further into my "drama" than you are since I have already leased an apartment and am starting to move my things on Feb 3rd. It took me 5 months to get to this point from the moment when I realized I couldn't be with my H anymore. I had been thinking about all the negativity in our relationship for a couple of years, but 5 months ago I really "woke up".

 

Debilou is SO right about the rollercoaster of emotions. I STILL sway back and forth about my decisions, I still feel like a lot of the abuse was my fault (mainly because I tolerated it for so long), and I feel terribly guilty about leaving (even though my H is abusive). I finally decided to leave because of my children. The thought of my son growing up to behave like his father, which was a very possible reality if I stayed, makes me sick. If your kids see how H treats you, they will loose respect for you and begin, in time, to treat you the same way. It is certainly not healthy relationship modeling to stay if your H won't change his behavior.

 

The other day I was telling one of my friends that I felt like such a failure. His response was, "but you've done SO many things RIGHT." This helped me put everything into perspective. I'm sure there are many great things in your life and I'm sure you've done so many things right too.

[jl5099]

Fanable,

I posted a little earlier stating I was in an email fight with DH. We have since worked it out and I am going to IC next week. Eventually it will be marriage counseling, but for now, just for me. My husband and I have been married since I was 16 (yes I know, read my other posts) and now it's been almost 12 years. He was a very mean spirited person in the beginning of our relationship and just now is beginning to understand that's not gonna get you far in life. His mother left him and his dad when he was just 5. She's a raving alcoholic and slightly crazy. He never heard a word from her until he turned 21. So needless to say he's a little against women. Not to help the fact that his father gave him everything he ever wanted and DH never did anything wrong in his dad's eyes. So those were problems we've been dealing with since day one. His dad is VERY controlling and not a generally good person. My husband at 30 years old still had to ask permission to buy a vehicle or anything of value! That has always drove me crazy, it's our money and we should be able to do with it as we please!!

DH was very emotional abusive and physically at times, for about the 1st 9 years of our marriage. He veeeeerrrryyy slowly is coming around to be a better person (that was actually his news years resolution - so theres hope!). I've been the one to threaten divorce and then never followed thru with anything. We went to MC last year for a few sessions and then he quit. Now we are in a different place again and are going to try again.

I've had those same feelings throughout our entire marriage (especially when i'm not happy) - do i really love him, is he worth staying for, would i be happier with out him, etc. My final answer always comes down to, I have to keep trying. Things do seem to get better and the good times are usually really good. Even thou the bad times can be really bad, we have invested 12 years together, 2 kids and a relationship that is completely ours. It would really suck to start over. He is very good with our boys, I really don't have to ask for help (so that is a good thing!!)

Sorry for the ramble - but I feel your situation is so similar to mine (especially the FIL thing) If you went to IC on your own and found some strength and helpful insight on how to talk to your H, maybe he will come around? One can only hope!! I would agree with the other posters, definitely don't rush things. THey can get better. And with all marriages come hurdles, you just have to jump one at a time.