NeverLate Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Well Im into my third week of NC and its going pretty well. I asked my xOW to respect NC and she is complying with it. I do miss her so and I do love her and I do wish things could have worked out better etc, etc. but they didnt and so here we are. We work at the same company but at different offices so we do have to work together from time to time but with effort its pretty minimal. There are times when I feel as though she doenst have to contact me for work reasons but she sometimes appears if she looks for reasons to remain in contact even if it is indirect. mass emailings to my office when they are not really necessary etc. I have been trying to focus on my W and it seems to be getting better except for the sex. We havent made love in over two months and I wish we would but she doenst seem interested which is what prompted me into the A in the first place. I talked to my W about it and she admits that we need to be intimate but she doenst seem to excited about it. In fact last night we were lying in bed next to each other and did nothing even after recognizing that we need to do something. Anyway, the NC thing is hard as I think of my xOW all the time and wonder how she is and all of that. I just hope that with time these feelings of longing will subside and things will get back to "normal"
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Your wife prob. isn't ready to have sexual intimacy with you yet. So, cuddle, kiss and fool around. Do massages, and DESIRE her. She needs to feel that love, that you 'want' her. I bet alot of why she's holding back is maybe images of you and the OW. Just like you now, thinking of your OW..Sorry, exOW. NC also means making the effort and doing all you can to STOP thinking of xOW. When you have thoughts of her, push her out of your mind. Think of your wife. Letting go not only because you're in NC, but because you MUST if you want your marriage and love to come back for your wife. You may never 'feel' that lust/intensity again with your wife like you felt with the xOW, but the love that you DO share with your wife is 10000x better. Its' healthy, it's longterm and stable. Good luck and I hope you and your wife make it work.
addicted2love Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I can completely understand what you are going through. I miss my OM very much. I miss being wanted and desired, it's a hard pill to swallow when you are trying to focus on your marriage but your spouse seems to want nothing to do with you intimately. At least that is the case for me. There was so much love, passion and desire between me and my OM and even though my H knows nothing about the A he acts as though he could care less about me in the bedroom. For years I have voiced my longings, my desires and spelled it out for him in every way I can think of but he still ignores me. I'm always the one to come to him for love, affection and intimacy, I swear I feel like the man in the relationship. I often wonder if there is something wrong with him. We are currently in MC and I recently brought this up during our session. Both the councelor and my H made me feel like I was ridiculous for wanting these things in my M. They both made the excuse that we are two very busy people and that is why this area of our M is lacking. I don't buy it! You either desire someone or you don't in my opinnion I wish I had some advice for you...sorry I don't. I just wanted to you to know that you are not alone in your situation. A2L
GreenEyedLady Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 We are currently in MC and I recently brought this up during our session. Both the councelor and my H made me feel like I was ridiculous for wanting these things in my M. They both made the excuse that we are two very busy people and that is why this area of our M is lacking. I don't buy it! You either desire someone or you don't in my opinnion I wish I had some advice for you...sorry I don't. I just wanted to you to know that you are not alone in your situation.A2L A2L: You need to get another MC...your needs shouldn't be overlooked...who FREAKING cares if you're two busy people...what is a M without love and intimacy? The fact that this need is being overlooked and unemphasized is not going to keep you in the M...he needs to work at it too...if something is wrong with him, he could take medication to help counteract it...
puddleofmud Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Give it some time--maybe a lot of time. The "balance" in your sexual intimacy is not there, YET. You still have thoughts/concerns for another so "instant pudding" may not be realistic for either of you. You may need to find "common ground" by taking each other to "neutral" territory, just to be together where it is not about sex, but more about intimacy, sharing, quiet togetherness. Sex, expecially for a woman, is about romance so maybe you may try doing some different things "out of bed" to re-gain interest by re-connecting. Women wish to be wooed and courted! They wish emotional and intellectual attention/ stimulation OUT OF BED! Foreplay for a woman starts long before hitting the pillow.. How about a long scenic relaxing "Sunday" drive? Or a just a few hours in the park? Shopping for a book you would both like to read? Going to the grocery store together in order to share a meal? Anything that may relax you both and start you both talking and sharing may help! What are HER interests? What does SHE like to do to relax? What makes HER feel confident, intelligent, pretty, desired? Have an AFFAIR with your WIFE! Do all it takes to woo and court as you would any woman you desire for sex! A fellow male and happily married friend of mine often says, "I am heavily "dating" my wife".
laliquel Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Question about this no contact business: What if he's moved out no contact was initiated because he was till in lompo status living in an empty apartment greiving the loss of the marriage but not wanting to go back. So NC with OW but the W is still in the picture trying to win him back (no kids in the picture)? How good can NC be in this case? He is vulnerbale and there has been a lot of grief w the OW because he is stuck in limbo?
Author NeverLate Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Ok so I have been strictly adhering to NC with the OW that I do love very much and do miss although I am making progress. To quickly recap she and I recently ended an affair of nearly 2 years. We came close to leaving our spouses but at the last minute she changed her mind and now she is making a go at her marriage. So, she told me that she wanted to "be friends" hear that before???? So I told her no and that she did not earn the right to have my friendship or my caring of any other part of me for that matter. So about 6 weeks ago now I initiated NC. Now we do work at the same company but at different offices separated by about 80 kilometers or so. I have been out of my office for the last few days and so today I get this voice mail from her saying that she was in my office today returning things of mine that she thought "had meaning to me" she said she called because she didnt want me to "blind sided by the bag of stuff she left in my office". So my curiosity got the best of me and I returned to my office to find a bag of things I have given her that had special meaning to us. Well I will admit it did hurt but I will NEVER let her know it. I have stuff of hers but I plan to keep it and remember the good in our relationship. I do love her and I do miss her but it MUST be this way. So, I assume she did this to hurt me and it did but I wont let her know it. Question: what do you all think motivated her to pull this stunt? I have an office at her location and she could have simply gathered the stuff up, and put it there. Or she could have boxed it up and had someone bring it to me. Or, she could have just thrown it all in the trash. But no, she drove all the way to my office to drop it off and then called me to let me know she did it. I think NC is having its desired effect. What do you guys think??
puddleofmud Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 No wonder that your wife may be so dis-connected. Your affair hasn't ended at all, has it? Being that you are more emotionally concerned about what the Ex-OW is thinking/ doing... Sweetie, she brought the stuff back because she doesn't want "it". Sure, she drove all the way accross town to do it--but the message is simple: "thanks for the memories" now I am giving it all back. Her mind is cleared--it's O-V-E-R. She did the decent thing by returning things of value to YOU--if they had been so valued by her she would have kept them. Have you taken your wife out on a "date" yet???
Author NeverLate Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Ouch. Maybe youre right. It does hurt. But the truth often does. Thanks for the reality check.
Author NeverLate Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Oh and BTW puddle, my wife told me yesterday in so many words that she is not attracted to me anymore. I am about 20lbs over weight and she thinks Im fat and out of shape and even though Im working out like crazy and dieting to get back in shape she told me that I guess doing it for a month wasnt proof of my sincerity. So if I seem a little conflicted thats why. NL
puddleofmud Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Ouch, for you too, sweetie! Sorry to hear that! A mere twenty pounds isn't much to worry about for heaven's sake, for either of you. That isn't distinctly "over" weight nor unattractive. Though, I doubt its about weight but more about the "weighted" issue. Though I am glad you are being sincere and taking care of your health what she may be telling you is that a MONTH isn't long enough for her to trust you, again. Again, do continue to take care of your health and build confidence within yourself--but also remember that HER health as to her emotional state may take a very long time to redeem. Don't wait until Valentine's Day to make a move! You are spending time working out on your body; so how's about working out taking care of HER (forget the bod parts, think about all the other "parts"). Nurture her, romance, start sending flowers NOW. NO hotel rooms, no extended vacations. Start paying ATTENTION to every tiny thing she does that is admirable. Everything she does that is attractive. Don't be overbearing or over-sexual or she won't trust it. Lately, how often have you said things like: "I love the way your hair smells"? "Can I rub lotion on your arms for you?" "Can I kiss you". I've always loved just kissing you" "you are so cute when you laugh". Don't fake it, look for things you like about her and let her know you LIKE IT. However, do, for the mean time leave out things about boobs, butts, etc. BUT, one may say something like: "I miss you in my arms and I can't wait to hold you, but I am willing to wait until you are ready". Stop romancing the baggage left on your desk. Can you imagine the baggage your wife is holding? Think about it! Hugs to you! Oh and BTW puddle, my wife told me yesterday in so many words that she is not attracted to me anymore. I am about 20lbs over weight and she thinks Im fat and out of shape and even though Im working out like crazy and dieting to get back in shape she told me that I guess doing it for a month wasnt proof of my sincerity. So if I seem a little conflicted thats why. NL
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Good advice POM. I'm going to mirror what I said in my earlier post to you a while back... NC also means making the effort and doing all you can to STOP thinking of xOW. When you have thoughts of her, push her out of your mind. It doesn't matter what the exOW thinks, feels or does anymore. NC is NC. I can't remember if you told your wife about your affair? Sorry... my wife told me yesterday in so many words that she is not attracted to me anymore. I am about 20lbs over weight and she thinks Im fat and out of shape and even though Im working out like crazy and dieting to get back in shape she told me that I guess doing it for a month wasnt proof of my sincerity. So if I seem a little conflicted thats why. Is it just the that or is it something else? As I mentioned, not sure if you told her or not, if you didn't - IS it possible she knows or suspected and that's why she's not interested in sex?
Author NeverLate Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 You guys are right. It doesnt matter what she thinks. And yes she knows about the OW. She told me that when she (my W) was heavier last summer that I wasnt attracted to her which caused the A at least in part. Now she (my wife) has lost alot of weight and looks hot and now she is telling me I'm fat and that I have to show her that I want to make an effort to look good for her. She feels I have a double standard which I never thought I had and her weight never bothered me but it was her lack of tenderness and caring and softness that turns me away from her. So now it seems shes getting back at me. I feel just horrible about it. Anyway I need to stop caring about what the OW thinks and move on with life. Thanks
puddleofmud Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Ah there it is! You just said your wife looks HOT! Doesn't matter the weight loss/ gain or the past. You think your wife is HOT. That's just so kewl, kiddo! You have a hottie for a wife! What are you going to do about THAT, sweetie pie???? Sound like some good mo-jo is going on in your mind about HOT wife... For heavens sake, take HOT wife out on a freakin date before I am forced to box your ears! Hugs and more hugs, you lucky SOB!
Author NeverLate Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 I have to say that after reflecting on the events of the last day I must say that I agree that I have to move on and push the xOW out of my mind but that by bringing my stuff back to me she did NOT do the decent thing. I think shes pissed off that I wont throw myself at her anymore and so shes being childish and self centered by bringing back the things I gave her that she feels have meaning to both of us. I feel shes lashing out at me to try and hurt me and you know what, it worked. The last time I spoke with her I asked her nicely to respect my wish for no contact but she has violated that not once but three times. And each time I have not responded. There is no way I will break NC. I think that POM statement about her thinking its over and the fact that she doesnt want that stuff is frankly a bunch of bull****. Sorry POM but I have reviewed other very similar posts to mine with the one major exception that they are from other WOMEN who are in no contact with men and you appear to have a much different opinion. You are encouraging, you are quick to point out the shortcomings of the OM and at the same time you told me that I should basically get over it because she already has. I find that a bit onsided to be honest. Anyway, I apoloize for the somewhat militant attitude but I'm mad as hell and Im not going to take it anymore. SHE did this not me. I was willing to leave my family for her and SHE backed out. SHE has the nerve to want to be "friends" Bull****. She wants to continue to make me compromise my dignity and self-respect. Well look out world because all of that has come to a screeching halt. As far as my W is concerned, you told me that I should kiss up to her and beg her to want me. Again, Bull****. I did wrong. I accepted responsibility for it. I have done my best to show her she can trust me. I will continue to do so because I love her. I realize she is a good person who deserves a man who will be loving and faithful to her. But what I wont do is grovel and beg. To me that is the quickest way for her to lose any respect she may have for me. We both need to comunicate how each of us feel and respect each other enough to listen and to be responsive to our needs. Period. Anything more is just a bunch of Dr. Phil crap. If she tells me I'm fat then if I want her then I need to fix it. Well enough said I need to go eat my yogurt and then head for the gym. NL.
kymberann Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Hi Never Late, Here is something I see. Take it for what it's worth. Sounds like you initiated NC? Or was it mutual? Whatever the case, sounds like you are standing your ground, even when she put it out there she wanted to be friends. You saw that it couldn't work (and it won't) and maintained NC. It could be the returning of things that have meaning for you was an attempt to have the last bit of power and control over the situation. Perhaps her way of closure, her way of approving/agreeing with NC. The last jab so to speak. Whatever the case I am not pointing it out to be mean or disrespectful, but sometimes people can only leave a R mad/angry/upset. It makes it easier to move on. Go eat that yogurt! Don't forget the celery sticks and tons of water! And remember, you are doing it for you! Best!
Author NeverLate Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Thanks K, I initiated it. She wanted me in a way I wasnt willing to give so I broke off all contact. Shes pissed, bitter and she showed me the only way she knew how. Its sad because I really thought she was my one true love and my soulmate. Affairs suck. NL
Just 'nother MM Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 NeverLate, I admire your resolve. Maintaining NC is challenging enough without having the added pressure of an uncooperative ex-OW. Good luck as you begin the next phase of your journey towards peace and stability.
Jane Doe Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 NeverLate, your ex-MW returning your things was nothing more than an attempt to get at you. If she didn't give a darn about you she would've thrown them all away. She's looking for any reaction she can get from you. Stay strong. Don't give in and don't acknowledge her in any way if you truly want to heal from this and repair your marriage.
Author NeverLate Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 I agree Jane. If she wanted to let go then she just would. Shes trying to get a rise out of me and she wont get it. Thats what I THOUGHT this forum is for. So I can vent and say things get them off of my chest. If I was just supposed to push it all out of my mind and pretend it never happened what the hell good does that do???? No you have to face your feelings and your fears head on. You have to see where you have been so you know where you have to go. Yea the XOW hurt me I accept that. But by venting and spewing it all out on this forum I can start to heal. If I were to take the advice of some of these people here I would just suppress it, put my head in the sand and go back to sleep. No way. My head is up, my eyes are open and I am healing. I will not give her ANY satisfaction on this one. I do want to repair my marriage. My W has more character and heart in her little finger than the XOW has in her entire body. It just took me going to the brink to figure it out. Thanks for your comments Jane NL
YoMomma Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 Anyway, the NC thing is hard as I think of my xOW all the time and wonder how she is and all of that. I just hope that with time these feelings of longing will subside and things will get back to "normal" This just struck a chord - I remember when exMM told me that his wife was suspected he was cheating & we had stopped seeing each other. He continued to e-mail me and would tell me this same exact thing "he was longing for better days and hoped things would get back to normal" - but his back to normal was when his wife was clueless and he could cheat without having to watch his back, so to speak! Grrrrrrr... I wonder if things are back to normal for him now? ;)
YoMomma Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 Thanks K, I initiated it. She wanted me in a way I wasnt willing to give so I broke off all contact. Shes pissed, bitter and she showed me the only way she knew how. Its sad because I really thought she was my one true love and my soulmate. Affairs suck. NL How exactly did she want you? Did she want you to leave your wife? And if she did - and as you say she was your 'one true love' - then why didn't you? Yes affairs do suck - for everyone involved.
Author NeverLate Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 She wanted to be "friends" basically she wanted to continue our affair but at a lower level of intensity. This was to make her feel like she was working on her marriage. Yes I would have left my W had she not backed out of things at the last minute. Her backing out turned out to be the best thing that could have happened because I learned that she is weak, but I am even weaker beacuse I continued to pursue her for over a year afterwards because I wanted her that much. I should have gone NC back then. YM, Believe me when I tell you SHE is not the victim here. SHE lead me to believe that we would leave our present lives and get married. All I can say is thank the good Lord it didnt happen.
YoMomma Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 YM, Believe me when I tell you SHE is not the victim here. SHE lead me to believe that we would leave our present lives and get married. All I can say is thank the good Lord it didnt happen. I hope that everything works out for you and your family!
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