ShoeGirl Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 My ex called me earlier, I haven't talked to him since the beginning of December. Usually when he calls I ignore it... Tonight I decided that maybe it would be nice to talk to him and see how he has been doing. We ended up talking for over an hour like we were old friends, nothing was mentioned about our relationship or what happened, he didn't act jealous when I honestly answered his question about me dating. It felt really good to talk to him and not be fighting, like almost all of our other conversations have been since June. It feels like I was talking to one of my friends, which I guess goes to show that I really am over him The thing is I feel kinda guilty... because I am sorta dating this guy and I have told him before that I have no intention of talking to my ex for a long time. I am not planning on volunteering the information but I am a very honest person (sometimes even too honest) so if he asks me I am going to have to tell him. I don't want to tell him, I am afraid that he will get a little jealous and think that I still have feelings for my ex, which I honestly don't! What should I do?
Kamille Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Nice Shoegirl, the talk with the ex sounds very healthy. I'm happy for you... As for the guy you are dating, just take it as it comes. I don't think you have an obligation to tell him because it's not like you made a promise not to talk to your ex. Perhaps the conversation with ex actually happened thanks to the fact you are dating a great guy and you have moved on. Actually, this could be your tack if you decide you'd feel better telling him. Tell him you've been feeling so good lately that you actually picked up the phone when your ex called to have it confirmed that you were over him.
Pyro Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 My ex called me earlier, I haven't talked to him since the beginning of December. Usually when he calls I ignore it... Tonight I decided that maybe it would be nice to talk to him and see how he has been doing. We ended up talking for over an hour like we were old friends, nothing was mentioned about our relationship or what happened, he didn't act jealous when I honestly answered his question about me dating. It felt really good to talk to him and not be fighting, like almost all of our other conversations have been since June. It feels like I was talking to one of my friends, which I guess goes to show that I really am over him The thing is I feel kinda guilty... because I am sorta dating this guy and I have told him before that I have no intention of talking to my ex for a long time. I am not planning on volunteering the information but I am a very honest person (sometimes even too honest) so if he asks me I am going to have to tell him. I don't want to tell him, I am afraid that he will get a little jealous and think that I still have feelings for my ex, which I honestly don't! What should I do? I see no reason for the new guy to get jealous. It was only a conversation and no flirting or plans to get back together were involved. Of course you should be honest with him if he asks about it, but to me, if he is going to get upset with you about that, so soon into the relationship, it shows that he may have insecurity issues.
jusified Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 well i'm a guy that believes in honest communication. I think you should just tell the new guy that the ex called and you spoke to him. Explain that you have no feelings for the ex. It is always good if you voluntarily give the info then having your current guy ask. He should understand if you tell him. Things with ex's are always hard,i know i will be 100% honest and disclosure to my new partner about my ex. If there is any contact (which i believe should be minimised as an ex should not be really seriously involved in your life) then I will straight away let my new partner know, if she can not deal with it i will be patient and explain and make her feel secure. (obviously if she doesn't have logic its another story).
RocketMan2 Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I'm of course always very honest with my girlfriends, i've never lied about anything. I'd tell him, if you can in a way which he will understand. It is always good if you voluntarily give the info then having your current guy ask. That is your best bet. Make sure he understands why youre telling him. The WHY being that you want to be honest with him, and also that it made you feel good talking to your ex, because it made you realise/reminded you that you dont have feelings for him, and it reaffirmed your feelings for your new guy If hes a good guy he should understand your gesture
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Thanks for the replies:) I am really indecisive about this. Kamille, I didn't promise him that I wouldn't talk to my ex but a few weeks ago when my ex was calling me constantly (every day at least) I made a comment that I had not intention of answering any of his calls, he said that he is glad I am doing what I am supposed to be doing... I'm not exactly sure what he meant by that but I didn't think anything of it at the time. I agree with Riddler saying that there is no reason to get the guy I am dating jealous... but at the same time I agree with justified and rocketman saying that I would be better off volunteering the information so he doesn't think I am hiding something. I really don't know how he would react if I told him or, I can see it going either way, he might not care at all, but he might get jealous too. I guess I have a few days to figure it out, I probably won't see him until Thursday or Friday.
Pyro Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Thanks for the replies:) I am really indecisive about this. Kamille, I didn't promise him that I wouldn't talk to my ex but a few weeks ago when my ex was calling me constantly (every day at least) I made a comment that I had not intention of answering any of his calls, he said that he is glad I am doing what I am supposed to be doing... I'm not exactly sure what he meant by that but I didn't think anything of it at the time. I agree with Riddler saying that there is no reason to get the guy I am dating jealous... but at the same time I agree with justified and rocketman saying that I would be better off volunteering the information so he doesn't think I am hiding something. I really don't know how he would react if I told him or, I can see it going either way, he might not care at all, but he might get jealous too. I guess I have a few days to figure it out, I probably won't see him until Thursday or Friday. This is kind of a good thing because you get a chance to see if he is the insecure or jealous type.
D-Lish Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 You know something shoegirl? I think that the talk you had with your ex was a good closure talk- it was something healthy that you guys obviously needed to do. I'd look at the conversation as something between you and your ex. It doesn't have to factor into your new relationship. If he asks, fine- you can tell him. But I see no reason to volunteer the info. It's okay to keep some things to yourself you know. You didn't do anything wrong by talking to your ex. If anything, you gave him some closure he obviously needed as well. I think if your ex keeps calling- you'll have to be firm with him and tell him you can't remain in contact with him due to your new relationship. Otherwise, the conversation wasn't wrong for you to have. I think that if you do choose to tell you new guy, you can frame it as giving your ex closure and putting a stop to the phone calls. Nothing wrong with that. D
jusified Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 well i just think if i asked my girldfriend if she talked to her ex becaue she seems to act alittle funny, and she said yes. I would think "is she hiding something, hmmm" it wont make me feel like i can trust her. Just give the information voluntarily, if his a good guy and you explain to him then he shouldn't act jealous or anything. It's bad to hid things in a relationship. It's not even about what you are hiding, but simply hiding something shows no trust and confidence.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 This is kind of a good thing because you get a chance to see if he is the insecure or jealous type. Good point, I hadn't thought of that! You know something shoegirl? I think that the talk you had with your ex was a good closure talk- it was something healthy that you guys obviously needed to do. I'd look at the conversation as something between you and your ex. It doesn't have to factor into your new relationship. If he asks, fine- you can tell him. But I see no reason to volunteer the info. It's okay to keep some things to yourself you know. You didn't do anything wrong by talking to your ex. If anything, you gave him some closure he obviously needed as well. I think if your ex keeps calling- you'll have to be firm with him and tell him you can't remain in contact with him due to your new relationship. Otherwise, the conversation wasn't wrong for you to have. I think that if you do choose to tell you new guy, you can frame it as giving your ex closure and putting a stop to the phone calls. Nothing wrong with that. D I don't think that my ex will stop calling, he is not over our relationship, he made that very clear, and it is inevitable that I will talk to him again because we still have many mutual friends. That doesn't change the fact that I have moved on... I was done with that relationship months before it actually ended, which is why I ended up here. well i just think if i asked my girldfriend if she talked to her ex becaue she seems to act alittle funny, and she said yes. I would think "is she hiding something, hmmm" it wont make me feel like i can trust her. Just give the information voluntarily, if his a good guy and you explain to him then he shouldn't act jealous or anything. It's bad to hid things in a relationship. It's not even about what you are hiding, but simply hiding something shows no trust and confidence. He isn't my boyfriend, I met him last year through school and it wasn't until recently that we have talked outside of school. We have hung out 4-5 times by ourselves, he just got out of a two year relationship a little over a month ago and neither of us want to be in another relationship right now, so I have no idea how you would classify what we are... I might have to wait until I see him again to decide how to approach this... I hate being this indecisive.
jusified Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 well this is easy then isn't it. If you are not in an exclusive relationship you don't owe this new guy the information, unless you feel that he is a potential and should be told and discuss about whats going on.
Kamille Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Ah! Maybe the new guy said you were doing what you were supposed to be doing because he knows your ex is still hung up on you? As in, we've all read the threads where dumpers feel bad for doing NC and someone says, yes it's hard but you are doing the right thing? I don't think that my ex will stop calling, he is not over our relationship, he made that very clear, and it is inevitable that I will talk to him again because we still have many mutual friends. That doesn't change the fact that I have moved on... I was done with that relationship months before it actually ended, which is why I ended up here. I really think you have nothing to worry about, whether or not you choose to tell him. I think I would bring it up, but as something good that happened for you and your ex. I would tell him that you think it's going to help you both move on. And, from there you can go from his reaction.
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