scrybe74 Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I recently met a guy and we clicked pretty instantly. The problem is that he is a single dad with two kids. He is with his kids full time- ex-wife is out of the picture completely. Of course, his children are his priority, and I completely understand that. My problem is that our dating is very new, and I don't know what to expect from a situation like this. We have had three dates- but only once every 6-7 days. Sometimes he's consistent with calling me and sometimes I don't hear from him for days at a time. I've never dated a man with children before. Am I to assume the light contact has to do with being a busy dad- or am I to assume that his reluctance to be in more regular contact has to do with him being "not that into me?" If this was a single guy who wasn't a parent- I'd probably have written him off by now... but the fact that he has children, ergo a responsibility has kept me sticking around waiting to see what happens. If it has to do with him not being all that interested- I'd like to walk away. But we aren't at that point yet where I feel I can ask him about it. I'm just confused... First please know that I haven't read the entire thread and I am only responding to your original post quoted above. When I have time I'll try and get through all of the responses but as a single dad I wanted to contribute. My response isn't too complicated or long. You mentioned that if he weren't a single dad you would have wrote him off already. But he is a single dad and you are right to have some patience. But I would advise you to not have the same expectations as you would in a relationship with a childless man. There are pros and cons to dating a single dad of course but you have to keep in mind that once things get serious....bam...instant family. You won't have the time to let the relationship grow into a family because he already is a family. You'll have to skip past the part where he focuses so much attention on you and can be flexible with his time and drop things and run off with you for a couple of days. These things CAN happen but they are extremely difficult to pull off. He's also under a decent amount of stress and pressure of raising a child on his own. On the other hand you shouldn't put yourself in a situation for his benefit. You really have to be okay with not having him to yourself to begin with and understand that it will be a bit more challenging than with a childless man. But don't put yourself through it because of him. You'll resent him, the relationship and possibly the child. Also...remember...he's just a person like everyone else. Just because he's doing the honorable thing by taking care of his kid...and he may be a great dad to boot....doesn't mean that he's a great partner or spouse. You have your needs and wants and he's just as capable as any one else to let you down or worse...turn out to be a big jerk. So...bottom line is this....if you're willing to bite the bullet and put up with the time constraints and distractions involved with dating a single dad the great! But once you know your head is in the right place about this....THEN judge the situation like any other relationship for yourself. Communicate with him and give him a chance to make things right or not. My hat's off to you though for taking a chance on a single dad. It's tough for all single parents male or female when it comes to finding new love. Best of luck to you.
SummerRae Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 D-Lish... Where do I start?? We are in the EXACT same place, only the man I just started seeing (a few very intense dates) has FOUR kids. The trouble is, when you have unbelievable chemistry w/ someone, what do you do? Do you let them having children factor into that, or do you just play it by ear? It is a tough debate that I am going over and over again in my mind, so I know exactly where you are coming from and would love to "chat" with you more about it... S. (the man I'm dating) is very much the same way, only he has his children on the weekends, making it extremely difficult to get together, etc. The time is limited that he can call or see me and I really get the impression it's because of the kids... not sure though?? It is also too soon to bring it up--one part of me wants to say, "Look, I'm very very interested in you, you're a wonderful human being, we have soooo much in common, but I think I just need to see if we are on the same page. I am ultimately looking to more than date someone and want to make sure that we both desire the same types of things--in terms of goals." The other part of me, however, is scared to bring this up YET. I want to see if and how it fully develops. This is such a tough situation. I mean, if I were a single parent, I know that I would want the fair chance of loving someone again. And though it definitely can't be as much of a focus/priority as when you are single and dating, it is still such an important part of being human: the Desire to connect to another person. Is it shallow/selfish to think about what we want in terms of outlining the "terms of our future relationships"? How much should we compromise when we really really enjoy someone's company? So many things for us to think about... Right now, I personally am feeling fine about him having kids, but know that down the road, I may want more attention than he can give, and that WILL undoubtedly place stress on our relationship... What to do, what to do?
Author D-Lish Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 What do you mean give you a chance? What I mean is, I am having trouble figuring out where he is coming from and what he wants from me. Sex? (There hasn't been yet), Something meaningful? Casual dates here and there? Yeah, If I want to be with him, I'll have to ask at some point. I guess it doesn't seem appropriate to have that talk just yet. I think it would come off as pressuring- neediness. I'm just being patient- and have decided to stop limiting my options and go out on some friendly dates with other people. We aren't sleeping together, I haven't met his kids, we haven't discussed our feelings with one another... so I'm just going to keep playing the field instead of putting all my eggs into one basket so to speak. I know I'm going to take flack for that from some... but I've never actually played the field before- never experienced simply "dating". I usually get focused, and date one person at a time. If he asks, I'll be open with him about it. As far as I'm concerned- if I'm sleeping with someone- then it's committment territory, but if I'm not, well then, until that happens- I think I'll branch out. I've taken a lot of flack for stating I want to look out for me- number one- this time. The truth is, I think that is what I want.... mostly because I haven't had that luxury, ever. But reading some of the posts from some- I feel guilty for wanting that. Dating is confusing.
Tormented Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Online dating is crazy! A product of the times I suppose. I'll second that! At the advice of co-workers and friends, I just recently signed up on Match.com. This isn't something I've ever done before, and I have to tell ya, I'm NOT impressed so far. I've gotten a lot of responses but not from any that I'd considering dating. It all just seems like one big BS game to me, and after what I've been through with my ex...I'm just not in the mood for it. I think I'm wasting my time there. As for dating a single dad, my ex had a 12 year old daughter who spends the entire summer and Christmas with him. If she had been a good kid, it would have been challenging enough for all the reasons previously stated by others. BUT - the girl was absolutely horrid! She became extemely jealous at ANY attention her dad showed me...did everything she could think of to come between us, was quite hostile and rude towards me, would purposely wipe the house out while her dad and I was at work, and then got an attitude if told to clean up her mess, very demanding and quick to sulk when she didn't get her way, and VERY whiney in general. The words, "Thankyou," and "please" were completely foreign to her. I tell you, she was enough to send any sane woman screaming for the door. If I hadn't loved my ex as much as I did, she would have definitely been a deal breaker. And to make matters worse, not only did he fail to step on her behavior, but he actually made excuses for her! That only made matters worse between us. He was doing this girl NO favors by allowing this type of behavior because the world won't and if she doesn't change her attitude/behavior, she's in for a tough road. I guess a lot of it depends upon the kid(s) and the dad's expectation of their behavior. Even so, kids can place a strain on a relationship...even if they're GOOD kids. But, if he's a good man and you begin to care deeply about him, then I think despite the hardship of having kids is well worth it. Again, it all depends upon the kids, their behavior, and dad. BTW...I do NOT think you're being selfish for thinking about yourself FIRST. Why shouldn't you??? You're a lot like me that way, D. Always placing others first before your own happiness. Hey, I say it's about time we start loving OURSELVES first. Hell, if we would have done that in the first place, perhaps we'd be in a better place today. ~T~
iron_m Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I'll be honest with you guys- I think it has more to do with me wondering if he's willing to give me a chance. That is probably more the problem than me being unwilling to open up to him. I guess I'm still trying to decipher whether or not he is interested- or not inclined to make any effort with me. It's barely been a month, and I only see him once a week. He was gung ho at the beginning, but has made excuses since then about his ability to call or get together. I want to be patient if I think he likes me- but I don't want to waste time waiting if he's "not that into me"... I'm not adverse to taking things slow with anyone. I'm out of practice with this dating thing...But dating a single dad has thrown me for another loop. Kamille- I've also dated a gutar maniac! lol. Everytime my ex and I used to argue, he would always blurt out "you hate me riding motorcycles!!" Even though I didn't, and had never led him to believe that! We could be arguing about the colour of the sky and he would blurt that out... he was completely obsessed. I am also a single, custodial dad of a 7 y.o. girl. The mother will almost out of the picture soon 'cause moving overseas in the coming weeks. I am not in the dating scene though. One thing I can tell you: The kids are the priority of a single custodial dad, sure. But he has probably a ton of things to deal with and even if he wants to give more time to both of you together he may not be finding the way to do it in a manner aceptable to both of you. I know that my case is not comparable to his, cause I am not dating, but since I separated I had to change my circle of friends. Those persons who can not deal with last minute cancellations and that sort of stuff are out of my life now. Surplisingly, the most understanding people are my single friends, specially women. They invite me to do stuff and if I say that I have to be with my daughter, they either re-schedule or change the plan to make it "kid friendly". I can tell that when it happens I am not happy changing plans, but I am so grateful to have this friends and hopeful that one day I will find someone that will be equally understanding. With a date would be different in the sense that I would prefer to keep the date sepparated from my daughter (not such thing as kid friendly date) and that would be complicated at some point. Getting a baby sitter to go out? sure! but trust me, sometimes it is easier to say than to do. Some sitters DO cancel at the last minute and of course, I do not call them any more, but by the time that it happens the damage is done. good luck. JP
Kamille Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Hi D, I admire you actually for being so clear about what you want and I think the idea of keeping your options open is excellent in this case. You do need to be able to establish your own boundaries, no matter what the context of the relationship. I know you are afraid of coming off as needy by doing so but I really think you should consider telling him where you stand. You could tell him exactly what you told us here : . That you understand his position but that you are interested in pursuing things further along with him. You could even be ultra honest and explain that you are working on setting your own boundaries in relationships and that for that reason, for the time being, you are also seeing other people. If that scares him off, then he is easily scared off and probably not worth you investing time, thought and energy into it anyways. Men are not fragile beings. At least not the man you want to fall in love with, right?
Author D-Lish Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 Hi D, I admire you actually for being so clear about what you want and I think the idea of keeping your options open is excellent in this case. You do need to be able to establish your own boundaries, no matter what the context of the relationship. I know you are afraid of coming off as needy by doing so but I really think you should consider telling him where you stand. You could tell him exactly what you told us here : . That you understand his position but that you are interested in pursuing things further along with him. You could even be ultra honest and explain that you are working on setting your own boundaries in relationships and that for that reason, for the time being, you are also seeing other people. If that scares him off, then he is easily scared off and probably not worth you investing time, thought and energy into it anyways. Men are not fragile beings. At least not the man you want to fall in love with, right? Thanks Kamille, I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that being single affords me the opportunity to search for the most compatible match for me. This guy was actually the first guy since my ex that I had gone out with that sparked interest in me. But I think if I evaluate the pros and cons of what a relationship might look like with him- that I'd be settling for something less than what I had hoped to find in a partner. I respect his role as a single dad, and the fact that he makes his children a priority. But I think I'm looking for more than seeing one another once in a while after the kids have gone to bed. He also lives 45 minutes away- yet another problem. I haven't talked to him for a couple days- and that was only a text exchange. I think I'm looking for much more than what he is capable of giving at the moment....which is fine. I think it only means that despite the attraction that we aren't a great match for one another. Hope you are doing well Kamille! Everything okay on your end? D
candy Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 i definitely understand th eunbleievable cheimsstry thing--i have that with my boyfriend...but he has kids and its a struggle. i have written a thread an dgotten such negative responses for wanting him to get babysitters occasionally and not be so "obsessed"with his kids.. and i do know its tough getting sitters, my BF says he tries and theres no one availabe, but i think its gotta be easier than that, put a post in a high school, go to an olnine site where they have sitters with referneces. be a little creative! and wanting to put ourselevs first, our needs first; well, that may be selfish in somes eyes, but if we don't who will?? we deserve to be as happy as we can be, and by having our good nature taken advantage of is no way to be! that being said, i always feel if a guy doesnt call much or isnt that anxious to see you, you can make all the excuses you want (his job, his kids) but really if he was THAT interested he woudl make the time! men are like that...they like a challenge and want to pursue you....so if this guy isnt making the time, and with all the kids issues, it may be time to move on! i have doen online datign an dfound some success...keep plugging away! its agreat way to meet people in your area that you have things in common with..really!!
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