D-Lish Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I recently met a guy and we clicked pretty instantly. The problem is that he is a single dad with two kids. He is with his kids full time- ex-wife is out of the picture completely. Of course, his children are his priority, and I completely understand that. My problem is that our dating is very new, and I don't know what to expect from a situation like this. We have had three dates- but only once every 6-7 days. Sometimes he's consistent with calling me and sometimes I don't hear from him for days at a time. I've never dated a man with children before. Am I to assume the light contact has to do with being a busy dad- or am I to assume that his reluctance to be in more regular contact has to do with him being "not that into me?" If this was a single guy who wasn't a parent- I'd probably have written him off by now... but the fact that he has children, ergo a responsibility has kept me sticking around waiting to see what happens. If it has to do with him not being all that interested- I'd like to walk away. But we aren't at that point yet where I feel I can ask him about it. I'm just confused...
AriaIncognito Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Well, are you willing to potentially be with someone that has 2 kids? If so, give it a shot. If instant family isn't for you, i'd suggest not wasting your time. I dated a guy for a year who, while he didn't have his own kid, he had a niece that he treated as his own, and it definitely puts its own special strains on relationships. You really need to know where you stand on the instant family thing, before moving forward, in my opinion.
IpAncA Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Well, are you willing to potentially be with someone that has 2 kids? If so, give it a shot. If instant family isn't for you, i'd suggest not wasting your time. I dated a guy for a year who, while he didn't have his own kid, he had a niece that he treated as his own, and it definitely puts its own special strains on relationships. You really need to know where you stand on the instant family thing, before moving forward, in my opinion. Yes I would agree. This isn't like dating someone with no kids. Those 2 kids will figure into things. They will come first. My bother has dating women with kids before and it was alright but like I said kids were involved in every way. She was a single mom so if she couldn't get a babysitter the kids came.
guin_girl Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 How long has he been divorced? My guy is in the process of a divorce and he runs hot and cold as well. There are times that he calls every day and then he will "disappear" for a couple days. During those times, I think he's not interested as well, and then he calls like nothing is wrong (which I guess in his world, it's not ) and sets up plans for the next get together. I've dated a couple of "weekend" dads and even though their time was limited, they would make a quick call or text message a "hi" when the kids are around. How old are his children?
Lauriebell82 Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 i guess it depends on whether or not u want to be a top priority in the guy's life. for me i like to be dating a guy who puts me at the top of his list, and when u have kids u cant do that. i once dated a guy briefly who had kids. i go to college and he promised that he would make time to come up and visit me but of course that never happened due to his kids. i guess u'll just have to ask urself if this is something u could handle in the long run. if not then get out now, before u become more attached to the guy.
underpants Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Hi D, I am glad to see you getting back in the saddle so to speak. I dated a Dad for the first time this summer. Kind of felt strange for me, like trying on a family. We had a few dates and I kind of realized that his ex was still an issue, more for his child and him. Custody not settled, manipulations and such. Yikes. For me I decided to let him know that he, by being on this planet restored my faith that good people are out there. I gave him the name of a good family law attorney and told him once he has a more stable situation I am sure he will attract the right person for him. We are now just friends, and I am thankful we never went so far as to not be able to be a support to each other. I do think that parents' have to be more cautious of who they let into their families lives...as it should be. Also, of course he is busy, and your relationship is very new. Once a week is good, something to look forward to. Also taking it slow will allow you both to really get to know each other before jumping in. You are a smart chick D and I feel postive that you will find the right man to create the best and most healthy relationship in the future. I guess that is what we are all here to do. Good luck and enjoy the new perspective that this opportunity may hold.
Author D-Lish Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Hi Guys, The guy is 31 years old- his boys are 8&9 years old. He's actually a widower...his wife passed away 6 years ago. Sad story. I guess I realize that if I want to get involved with him that there will be lots of baggage to deal with. When we're together- it's great... but he runs hot and cold with the contact. In his situation, I suppose he has a lot of things to consider when he starts dating someone. ie: am I worthy of being introduced to his children, am I "mother" material..... I guess he can't help but wonder about those kinds of things. He can't afford to simply date- he needs to be discerning and responsible with his choices. Maybe I'm starting to think I want more out of a relationship than sporadic contact and late night dates after his children have gone to bed for the evening.... We had plans for this Friday night and he cancelled the dates due to not being able to find a babysitter... and I haven't heard from him since Friday. It's frustrating. But I also realize that despite being occupied- that he has time to slip in a phone call or text message... and he hasn't done that. Frustrating! D
Kamille Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I echo Underpants' comment. You are a smart woman and you will definitely be able to create a healthy relationship. Also, I have to confess that I have often had fantasie about dating a single dad, precisely because I always imagined them to be, in general, very responsible and dedicated men. But you're right... He cannot just date. You do know you have a lot to offer and we all know here on LS how significant it is that you're actually interested in pursuing something more serious with this guy. Does he know you feel this way about him? Longshot but I know that my friends who are single moms are always worried about 'imposing' a family on someone and one has a tendency to back off when she sees that she would need to bring things to the other level, hoping that the guy will step up. I know that there is a gender difference here but I don't know if him being the 'man-pursuer' trumps the 'single-parent' card. It would be interesting to have a guy's advice on this one.
robkris8079 Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Thought I'd chime in here because I am a single dad. My situation is a little different since the mother is still around. But some things are the same. Of course I keep my dates to the nights I don't have my daughter. I have custody so there are not too many of those. On more than one occasion I have found a sitter, but let me tell you it is really hard to do. I don't text or call everyday but as much as I can. I do think about mother material and the introduction to the kids but in the beginning it's just me getting to know her. You are not taking on an easy task by no means. But if you like the guy it can definately be worth it. You seem like you need to weigh your options and really ask yourself if this is something you want to do. I guess I realize that if I want to get involved with him that there will be lots of baggage to deal with. BTW if anyone I was ever seeing referred to my deceased wife and two children as baggage that would be the last they ever heard or seen of me.
sb129 Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Have you asked him? Why don't you just ask him straight. His answer may surprise you... pleasantly.
Texan Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 D - You're dealing with what a lot of men go through these days. The same situation develops with single men dating a single mom. Yes, we recognize the responsibility that she has and, at least for myself, we recognize that it does put a 'crimp' in how much time we get to spend together. It comes down to whether or not you see potential there and whether or not you will feel comfortable being a 'mom' figure down the road if it should work out (notice I didn't say being their mom). These types of situations come with their own pitfalls, but can be so very much worth it. Just my two cents...
garnet Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Hi D, Do you mind sharing how you met the single dad? Just curious if he was actually looking to meet someone or if it just happened.
Author D-Lish Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Thought I'd chime in here because I am a single dad. My situation is a little different since the mother is still around. But some things are the same. Of course I keep my dates to the nights I don't have my daughter. I have custody so there are not too many of those. On more than one occasion I have found a sitter, but let me tell you it is really hard to do. I don't text or call everyday but as much as I can. I do think about mother material and the introduction to the kids but in the beginning it's just me getting to know her. You are not taking on an easy task by no means. But if you like the guy it can definately be worth it. You seem like you need to weigh your options and really ask yourself if this is something you want to do. BTW if anyone I was ever seeing referred to my deceased wife and two children as baggage that would be the last they ever heard or seen of me.[/quote] BTW!!! ~ I mean emotional trauma... a lot of things for him to consider/deal with, and that it can't be easy for him. I don't think that kids are baggage- but I surely think his past sadness must affect him in the deepest and sadest of ways. If I had issues with his past angst and current situation, I wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. And I'm way to sensitive and considerate to make any such ridiculous references like that to someone I care about. I think you completely misunderstood my meaning there. Hi Kamille, I don't think we're at the point of discussing feelings/intentions. It's way to new. I guess I'm trying to figure out if what I'm dealing with is disinterest or if it's a matter of responsibility. Afterall, this is the first man I've dated with children- so I'm very "green" when it comes to how it works. I like him, so I'm just being patient. I'll let him take the lead and initiative I think. He did text tonight to say he was thinking of me- which was nice to hear. :-) D
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 D - I really gotta say... after having dated a guy in a very similar situation (one girl age 9, one boy age 6 - mother completely out of the picture), I will RUN from a truly single-dad (i.e., 100% custody) in the future. And they were great kids who really, really liked me... IF he's a good father, his priority will always be his children. They will always come first - over every single need you can ever imagine having. And frankly, they should. No matter how much you understand that, it will build feelings of hurt and resentment, and your relationship will suffer. I imagine it will be different when I (hopefully) marry and have children - that the father of my children will put our children's needs on (generally) equal footing with my own. But it's not the case with a single dad. If you disagree with his parenting style - drama. If his kids grow to resent you, hate you, pick on you, don't want you around - drama. And again, there's the "needs" - drama. It's early in the game. I wouldn't recommend proceeding any further, but that's just me.
Author D-Lish Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I think you may have a point there SG. My ex husband was married to his job, my recent ex was married to his motorcycles... and I always ended up taking a back seat. After the demise of my recent relationship- the guy who was crazy-obsessed with everything morotcross/motorcycle... I vowed I would hold out for someone who might actually see me as a priority. Now I find myself dating someone who has a huge responsibility and built in priority that will inevitably put me in the back seat again. You're also right that the children should be the priority. If they weren't... I'd probably lose respect for him! Garnet- I met him online...lol. On a site called plentyoffish. He was the only guy I talked to that I wanted to meet in person. Thanks for the advice SG...I fully appreciate it. I think after weighing my options that I will probably keep my options open. I am planning a date with someone else I met on lavalife- and he seems interesting. Online dating is crazy! A product of the times I suppose. Cheers, D
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 D - It's a Catch-22: you want him to put you first, but if he did you'd lose respect for him because his children should be the ones coming first. That's why I think it's an impossible relationship to be involved in UNLESS your only goal IS an instant-family where you take the back-seat. Like you, I've dated guys who were "married" to everything other than me - their careers, their hobbies, and with this guy, his children. I'm gonna wait for the guy who puts me first, and I think you should too. After all, we're both worth it. SG
Author D-Lish Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I agree SG, After gaining some insight from you and weighing my options, I have decided that this time around I have to look after me first. Being single now, I have an opportunity to find a man who completes me. By waiting around to see when we can have our next date- I could be missing an opportunity to meet someone I can have a more meaningful relationship with. I'm not stuck on this guy yet- so I'm still at that stage where I can move on without any regret or pain. Thanks for your insight- greatly appreciated! D
Am4Real Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I vowed I would hold out for someone who might actually see me as a priority. Now I find myself dating someone who has a huge responsibility and built in priority that will inevitably put me in the back seat again. You're also right that the children should be the priority. If they weren't... I'd probably lose respect for him! D-Lish, With reference to this post, I beleive it is very difficult to expect all our qualifications in every attraction we run accross, but either accepting or walking away from things we would not normally find acceptable if someelse were describing a person helps us differenciate our real needs from our attractions. And certainly deciding a person is not for us early helps with a lot of hurt later. However, in your last post you seem to have already drawn a conclusion. What you may want to consider is this guy is more nervous about you that you are about him. He might be thinking there is no way you will "go for him" for all the same reasons discussed in these posts. Have you considered giving this just a little more time and then sit down and discus these issues. It would be a shame to not know he is sitting back for ALL THE RIGHT reasons. Just a thought from a guy who was once a single Dad. All the single Dad's are not always looking for Mother's for their children... Am4Real
Darkwall Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Hi D, I've never myself actually been in this situation but I will say this... follow your heart. If you feel you really like him and you feel like he's into you when you're with him then that's enough to give it some more time. I don't think you mentioned how long it's been but if it's just been a short time I say give him a chance. You answered your own question earlier in that he is probably occupied with his kids and doesn't get as many opportunities to call you or see you as he would like. Again, time will tell.
Road Rage Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 D-lish You are cute enough to be patient and wait for the right circumstances to go with the right guy.
candy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 as a single woman with no kids dating a divorced dad with 2 kids (joint cutsody) i know where you're coming from! your situation somewhat different as he has full custody, maybe why he is being slow to let you into his life. but it is SO tricky dating a divorced dad....i;m not a great fan of kids, don't want any of my own, and i appreciate the time he spends with them, wouldn't want to date a man who ignores his kids! but i am so available to see him, and with him it's every other weekend, he promises baby-sitters but says he can't find any (!!!!) and sees his kids EVERY FRIDAY which does get frustrating. i am dealing with these issues myself. i say to you to take it slooow, don't rush him, see where it leads....
Kamille Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Hmmmm. I feel like you are trying to protect yourself too early with this guy. Almost like you've been burned so much that your actual worry about dating a single dad is actually prohibiting you from just living it out. The thing is, for me, there is a huge difference between being maried to one's career or motorcycles (motorcycles?!) and being dedicated to one's kids. The first two activities are about 'self' interests while the later is about giving, loving and sacrificing. About community if you will. No you might not be the priority, but there is something to be said for becoming a part of a family. In your case, it's probably not right now, not anytime soon - but that's what this guy - or any single parent - deserves. To find someone who respects their family and who they can invite to join them in the journey that living as a family is. Be fearless D. The one thing you should retain from motorcycle ex is that you know how to bounce back. K ps: one of my exes was maried to his guitars. I would get a bracelet bought at a second-hand store for my b-day and he would turn around and buy himself another 2000$ guitar to add to his collection. And of course he would always complain about being broke... A great part of our dates involved me listening to him play...
IpAncA Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I think you may have a point there SG. My ex husband was married to his job, my recent ex was married to his motorcycles... and I always ended up taking a back seat. How do you know this guy is going to be like your ex's? To me it sounds like you can't handle dating him and want someone who will put "you" at the top of his list. If so then you need to end dating this guy so he can find someone worth the little time he has. Personally I would have given this guy a chance but if you can't then you can't.
Author D-Lish Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I'll be honest with you guys- I think it has more to do with me wondering if he's willing to give me a chance. That is probably more the problem than me being unwilling to open up to him. I guess I'm still trying to decipher whether or not he is interested- or not inclined to make any effort with me. It's barely been a month, and I only see him once a week. He was gung ho at the beginning, but has made excuses since then about his ability to call or get together. I want to be patient if I think he likes me- but I don't want to waste time waiting if he's "not that into me"... I'm not adverse to taking things slow with anyone. I'm out of practice with this dating thing...But dating a single dad has thrown me for another loop. Kamille- I've also dated a gutar maniac! lol. Everytime my ex and I used to argue, he would always blurt out "you hate me riding motorcycles!!" Even though I didn't, and had never led him to believe that! We could be arguing about the colour of the sky and he would blurt that out... he was completely obsessed.
IpAncA Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I'll be honest with you guys- I think it has more to do with me wondering if he's willing to give me a chance. That is probably more the problem than me being unwilling to open up to him. What do you mean give you a chance? Maybe the next time you see him you should talk to him about this. See where you both stand and if he's interested or not.
Recommended Posts