the_alchemyst Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 ...is not big enough to conceal all of myself. I wish there were some rocks or caves around here where I could go hide under right about now. So, with that said...: AHH!!! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL AM I DOING?!?! WHY?!!!? Ugh. I'm such a ****ing moron.
Pyro Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 ...is not big enough to conceal all of myself. I wish there were some rocks or caves around here where I could go hide under right about now. So, with that said...: AHH!!! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL AM I DOING?!?! WHY?!!!? Ugh. I'm such a ****ing moron. Why do you say that? Did you contact your ex? Even if you did, that doesn't make you a moron. Everyday is a struggle and no one said that it would be easy to get over an ex, especially your first love.
Author the_alchemyst Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Contact. Oh yea, there was plenty of that. But even after all of the bad that he says and does . . . I still fall back into the same old trap. And now it's like I'm actually setting myself up. How pathetic is that? Very pathetic. And I know it's not easy to get over an ex, and I guess sometimes first loves are even harder to get over, but I feel like I've come to the point where I've just conformed to this awful cycle we are in. I want to get out. Kind of. Sort of. I don't want the push and pull. I don't want it anymore. But for the love of god, I just cannot purge him out of my system! This sad excuse for a relationship has been on-off for a year and a half already. Uh, hello? That speaks for itself. But noo... It's nice that you think I'm not a moron, but I really am. Really, really.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 What the hell are you talking about A? You need to stop fooling around with that salvia stuff.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Contact. Oh yea, there was plenty of that. i wouldn't worry about it. be glad you're young and having fun. it won't last forever, trust me.
Pyro Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I want to get out. Kind of. Sort of. I don't want the push and pull. I don't want it anymore. But for the love of god, I just cannot purge him out of my system! This is your problem. You don't have enough will power to let him go. What is it about him that keeps you from letting go? Are you worried about being lonely? Are you afraid that you will never meet anyone as good as you thought he was? You are not the only one to have ever gone through this, so you are not a moron, so stop telling yourself that. Maybe its the lack of self-confidence that is keeping you from parting ways with him? What do you think?
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 It's really hard to let go. It stands to reason that at some point you'll simply tire of the push-pull scenario, realize what it is you truly want, and move on without them. When you're ready, you'll cut the ties...
Author the_alchemyst Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 What the hell are you talking about A? You need to stop fooling around with that salvia stuff. Salvia? I wish I had some. No, I wish I had more pot. I already finished it all. i wouldn't worry about it. be glad you're young and having fun. it won't last forever, trust me. No. This isn't right. Not for me. I feel dirty. What is it about him that keeps you from letting go? I don't know. Caprice? Are you worried about being lonely? I am lonely. Are you afraid that you will never meet anyone as good as you thought he was? Partly. That and the fact that I just do not want to invest any more energy into anyone else getting to "know me." It's hard for me, and frankly, I just don't want to do it again. You are not the only one to have ever gone through this, so you are not a moron, so stop telling yourself that. No, really--I am. Believe me. Maybe its the lack of self-confidence that is keeping you from parting ways with him? Maybe. I know other guys will like me. But I don't want them. Yuck. Am I crazy?
Pyro Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I don't know. Caprice? I will guess that you are referring to the alcohol. Can't blame alcohol on what is bothering you. I am lonely. But does keeping contact with him help you out in any way? Partly. That and the fact that I just do not want to invest any more energy into anyone else getting to "know me." It's hard for me, and frankly, I just don't want to do it again. So you don't want to date anyone else, no big deal. But if you ever do decide to in the future, you may want to be prepared, meaning cutting ties with your ex. No, really--I am. Believe me. I refuse to believe that. I know you better than that and I know how difficult it is to cut ties with your first love. Maybe. I know other guys will like me. But I don't want them. Yuck. Am I crazy? Not crazy at all. Like I said before, if you are not ready to date, then no big deal, but it would benefit you to stop talking to your ex. Maybe if you did stop talking to him, your self worth may come back. Is he just keeping in contact with you for the sex? Does he try to reconcile? What is his story?
burning 4 revenge Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 yes, you're a little bit crazy. it's okay though, it's endearing. i like your sadness. do you ever listen to asobi seksu?
dropdeadlegs Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Hoodies are quite comfortable, aren't they? I would like to wear one perpetually myself. Unfortunately life does not allow it for most of us. Thus I don't partake in the hoodie-fest. Yet it is appealing. Hoodie = hiding, you know this. What are you hiding from? The world or yourself? Neither one is worth hiding from in the long run. You must face your fears of either. Yes, your sadness and depth are endearing. I myself am entranced. You have the ultimate power to exorcise any demons from your past That includes him. I don't think pot will help you on this personal journey. Have you considered that pot may be the demon itself? I learned a couple months ago that I could very well live without it, but hesitate to state that it's absence is what made life "good." I'm sure it was more of a general liking of my current life status. Still, it's worth a try to give it up and see where that leads. You are anything but a moron, maybe too intelligent for your own good. Crazy? We're all crazy to an extent, you're no better or worse than the masses. You certainly don't have the market cornered. If I had to place my bet I would place it on "better." If you could love yourself they way that so many LSer's do, your world might not require any hiding behind a hoodie at all. I see the love you so willingly share with others. Give some to yourself!
Author the_alchemyst Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Hoodie = hiding, you know this. What are you hiding from? The world or yourself? Neither one is worth hiding from in the long run. You must face your fears of either. Yea, I know what you mean. In my case, I just want to hide from everyone, especially myself. I really don't know how to explain how I feel. I don't like the person I've become. I wasn't like this before. I used to be really cheery (yea, me) and happy-go-lucky even though things at home where never really "good." But regardles, I remember that I would always tell myself that things would get better. I'd always say that. But then years passed and things only got worse. My dad started drinking more and more to the point where he became both verbally and physically abusive. My mom withdrew inwardly so deeply to the point where she just disappeared. She was always home, but always inside of her bedroom, and the rare times when she would come outside, she'd never say anything; she'd just give you cold glares. It was frightening. My brother was never home because he was always busy with his novelty girlfriend. Being home was just so . . . ugh. Then my parents packed me up and shipped me to a small Christian boarding school, which was partly a rehab center. I was only 13 at the time and besides having some smokes here and there, I didn't have any addictions, so being there was really strange. I came back shortly, got enrolled in HS, and when I was nearing 14, I got myself my first "boyfriend." He was lovely. Until he started beating the **** out of me. I'd have bruises on my face, which I would try to cover up with goth-tard look-a-like makeup, but you could still see it. My parents just figured I was in come kind of gang/cult, and since they never asked, I never told. That was something my mom taught me: If someone doesn't ask about something, it's because they don't want to know, so don't tell. That lasted for a while, but thanks to him and my parents, I was really emotionally messed up. And thanks to boarding school, I discovered the wonders of weed. So, that's how I got hooked, I guess. When I met my exbf, I was still with that guy. After things ended with him, my exbf and I got to be really good friends, and I felt that for once, someone finally cared about me in a good and honest way. For a while, I did return to my old self and things were great. But then our relationship began to slowly crumble, and so did I. Again. And now I'm just always miserable, I swear. And I don't want to be like this, but I don't see any reason for change. You might tell me that I should do it for myself, but the truth is that I don't care about myself enough, or at all, actually, to change. Like say my parents were here or something, I'd try to do it for them because I love them even despite their ways, but I can't say the same thing for myself. Yes, I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be high every.single.day or be stuffing cancer down my throat in order to feel a little bit better, but when I think about it, I realize that I simply don't care about myself. What do I have to lose? Myself? I lost that a long time ago. My life? This is not life. You have the ultimate power to exorcise any demons from your past That includes him. I want to! I really want to. But I'm too tired of it all to try. I don't think pot will help you on this personal journey. Have you considered that pot may be the demon itself? I smoke more pot than I eat food. I try not to. I really do. But I always cave. Now it's gotten to the point where I have to smoke a j everytime I feel the need to cry. It's like weed is my only (momentary) happiness. It's my refuge. Without this, I don't have anything. You are anything but a moron, maybe too intelligent for your own good. Thanks. But I don't think anybody cares about being smart. It's, like, "Hi! I'm XXXXXX and I'm smart." Wow. What an attribute I got! If you could love yourself they way that so many LSer's do, your world might not require any hiding behind a hoodie at all. I see the love you so willingly share with others. Give some to yourself! I'm not a very open person at all. And a very distrustful one, at that. But I am a caring person, I think. I can't say that without feeling like I'm being arrogant, but I do think I'm caring; I do care about others. I think people in general should all be happy. And then there are the few handful of people whom I really, really love and care for. I'd really do just about anything for them. But in my mind, they deserve it, and I just don't. My head hurts. This got me teary eyed.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I hope your head feels better today! I didn't quote your post, but there are several things I would like to discuss. I very much identify with parents who teach a don't ask, don't tell way of living within the family. Mine were very much that way and I felt like I was screaming "Can't you see that I'm spinning out of control and do not have the capability or wisdom to know how to stop?" The more this went on, the more dangerous my lifestyle became. I knew then, and know now that they love me. I honestly believe that they didn't know what to do, and that acknowledging my problems would mean acknowledging their failure as parents who raised me. They weren't total failures, I was their first child and as long as I did what was expected, what all "good" children do, all was well. But I had a lot of issues, most of which centered on self esteem. Alcohol was a big part of our lives as my parents owned a bar in addition to their full time jobs. That meant a lot of time away from an adolescent daughter. Weekends were free-for alls as they didn't come home until 4am. I am fortunate that physical abuse was not a part of my upbringing, but my father could be verbally abusive to all of us (I have one sister.) I don't even think he means to say things in such a way, but he does and it hurts. He is better, but I think that may just seem so to me because I spend so little time in his presence. We live 750 miles apart. I am very forgiving, and since having children of my own, I hold no grudges. I often don't know what I'm doing raising kids either. I'm certainly not always worthy. My children deserve better. I was not so very long ago that mother who retreated to her room each evening after dinner and drank myself to sanity. Or insanity, if my drunkenness could be worse than my insane sober times. I don't mean to pardon your mother's actions, but yet I understand them to a degree. She was running away from life, too. Just not necessarily in the same ways you do it. I think as a mother I didn't want my children to see how far I had fallen into the depths of depression and the overwhelming feelings of divorce, loss of home, a job I hated, and my very real loneliness in general. I cried a lot. What always worried me was if/when I was unable to cry anymore. In my mind that meant a complete breakdown for me. I understand misery all too well, my friend. I understand feeling like you just don't care anymore. You can't care because it hurts too much to do it anymore. It is exhausting to be where you are and that's why you are simply tired. Tired of everything. Lastly, you come off as anything but arrogant in admitting that you care about people. I hear you screaming. I hear that you do not WANT to live like this. I hear that you are stuck in several vicious cycles that you see as just that, vicious cycles. That is exactly why I have so much hope for you. You see that what you are currently living doesn't qualify as "life." You DO deserve to be happy, fulfilled, and most of all loved. I know I'm just a fellow poster on a forum that is mostly about betrayal, failure, and pain. I hope you won't think I'm crazy when I say that I love the person known as the_alchemyst. Sure, I don't really KNOW you, but I love what I do know in a very caring way. Now people will think I'm a freak, but I don't care. I am a freak.
Santiago 17 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Hey don't know your whole story, but it seems to me like you might have a serious case of depression and or addiction and you should really try and get some help for that (it can be really hard to beat on your own). There is no shame in admitting that you have a problem. I have been there once as well, a few years back while I was in college and you have no idea how good it feels to stop hiding it, and finally get some help. It is never too late to have a new beginning and you do deserve one, trust me everyone does Hope you get better
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