WonderWater Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 If you read any of my previous posts, you will understand that I am involved in an EA where I feel the MM is into it only for sex. Recently, though, he has made startling confessions to me in which he admits that he has deep feelings for me and has fallen for me. In a recent long conversation, he admitted that he doesn't want to resolve his marital problems with his wife since he wants to be with me. As much as this is what I have been longing to hear from him, I find myself still not believing him. If he truly has fallen for me, how can he lay in bed next to his wife every night? He knows that I am going through a very messy divorce, and am dealing with some very traumatic times since my husband has forced his way back into the house. Yet, he allows me to be alone and deal with all of these issues by myself. He has finally decided to go to therapy to figure things out in his head. He has an excuse for everything. "I can't leave my wife because I am afraid it will give her grandmother a heart attack". So, being that I don't believe him, is a MM really that willing to tell such serious lies to get sex?
Virgo1982 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 He probably does have feelings at this point, but not enough to give up everything for you. If it were just a sexual thing, he would save himself some trouble and find someone else to sleep with. When a man is willing to put up with your "drama," there is a little something more than sex there. Some people say it's a game, which will boost his ego if he wins. I'm not sure, but as I said before, if it were just sex he was after, he'd move on.
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 You tell him to call you when he's divorced his wife. DO NOT have sex with him until then. Let him cry, beg, whatever, but as long as he's still married, forget sex...
Jane Doe Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 "I can't leave my wife because I am afraid it will give her grandmother a heart attack". Well, there's a new one! If you're not believing him, listen to yourself!!! It's your instincts telling you to beware. Please heed the warning.
MoonGirl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Jane, lol. I thought that was funny too! WW, I have no idea if the MW/MM minds think similarily (probably not), but even if one's marriage is not so great, it is terribly difficult to leave for an OW/OM. If you're interested in all the nitty gritty details about why, you can read some of my threads. I agree with whichwayisup. Tell him to get a divorce if he wants to be with you, and DON'T sleep with him! If you give him what he wants from you now, he'll have no reason to divorce his wife. Going NC with him (if you're ready) might help him make the decision he needs to make for himself.
MoonGirl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Oh, forgot to answer you main question: how far will MM go to get what he wants? I think VERY FAR. I doubt he only wants sex from you, but he still wants it and he will go very far to get it. His marriage is not great. He is probably lonely and wants affection and love that he doesn't feel he gets at home. I love my OM and have to hold back from saying many things I think and feel, and I have to try VERY hard not to touch him. This is not only so I don't scare him away, but so I can first deal with ending my marriage and retaining my dignity and integrity. I have to say that with a different OM, things could have turned out much different for me. I was feeling so lonely and vulnerable and I could have easily fallen into the trap of a deep and confusing long-term emotional and sexual affair. Fortunately, my OM has a lot of integrity; He has helped me see what is important in my life (i.e. leaving my abusive husband, getting some therapy, and having some time for myself). He has overstepped boundaries, but always takes a step back when he realizes it. I know he loves me and I hope he is waiting for me. I am CERTAIN he has my best interests in mind. So, if you're strong enough, you can do the same for your MM. If you can show him that you care enough about him to help him see what he needs to do, both you and he will be much better off in the long run even if you don't end up together.
JamesM Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 It is amazing how much we men love someone when we think we will lose them. I give him an "A" for Creativity. The fact is that men go along ways when they want to keep someone. Many men have said they love a woman so that they might have sex with her. And many men have suddenly fallen out of love when the mystery is gone. I am with WWIU. If he still loves you without sleeping with you, then there is love. If he is willing to wait for you until he is divorced...or his wife's grandmother dies (whichever comes first), then he loves you. Until then, I would suspect that he is simply solidifying his "lust" for you. In his own way he loves you, but in reality he loves only himself. Since I am not a MM,OM, or BH, I cannot relate to his saying that he loves you while still being married to his wife. I do know that we men can be extremely attracted to someone even when we are married. But to say that this is love...I cannot go that far. Love is patient, love is kind, love is unselfish. And when a man conducts an affair, he does not show any of those to either the OW or his own wife. Just my opinion.
puddleofmud Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Take care of yourself and remember that you are delicate and vulnerable going through your own situation. You DO need a great deal of emotional support so be aware where and from whom you are getting that as some are quite adept (even, unknowingly) at taking advantage of someone in your situation. Whether is does or does not "want to resolve his marital problems" in order to be with you is a moot point. He HAS to resolve this in ORDER TO BE WITH YOU, via seperation/ divorce. By doing so would mean that he is emotionally capable of facing up to his own dilemma and emotionally ready for another relationship. Otherwise he may be simply avoiding and using you in order to keep from rocking his "little boat". Best to ask yourself if you are emotionally ready to take on his problems considering your plate is very full. You have a right to your own emotional stability and it could be that a liaison w/ a MM who isn't ready to leave his family, or any man w/ this much baggage could negatively impact your health and well-being. Best wishes and stay strong!
Jane Doe Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 JamesM, as always, you're the voice of reason.
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