torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Hey guys, OK long post, but its quite a good story (-: I don't know if many of you remember my former posts, and my decision to leave my job/apartment to get away from my MM (well, M with long term live in girlfriend) situation - he was my manager, and we didnt seem to be able to end it when we saw eachother every day....well, I went ahead and decided to hand in my notice (I'd have to leave the corporate let too), finished it with the guy, and went jobhunting - I would have given my notice in the next month to give me more time to job/apartment hunt. But in the meantime, someone seems to have tipped off his girlfriend that he'd been cheating, and he went mental as soon as he heard, and threatened: 'resign or I'll sack you' - I mean, a total crazy kneee jerk reaction! This is because he thought I'd told the girlfriend and it was pure panic - So I stepped back from the whole situation and thought...'unhealthy - walk away now!!!' - so I handed in my notice immediately. Anyhow, as my manager (the M) has been a friend for years and knew he'd done the wrong thing, he backed down completely, went to great lengths to tell me what a huge asset I was to the company, that he and the other Director would make significant changes to my job if I'd consider staying - to make sure I was utilising my skills much better, i.e. negotiated a great package that means my job is way better now! Basically he knew he'd completely crossed the line and had done something he was very ashamed of (threatening to sack me - no way he would have EVER done that but threatening is bad enough, and he knew it)...he certainly regretted doing that and I hope it makes him reflect about the negative situation he's gotten himself in, as speaking as his friend - he's got the potential to be a way better person than this, and I'm very disappointed with him. So I agreed to stay for a trial (but I'll stay longterm now I think - its a good deal for me) - anyway, the ridiculous 'resign or I'll sack you' fiasco gave me more than enough distance, that I am happy to move on and, ideally, not see him at all other than at work. PLUS the time apart has given me enough perspective to really see whats gone on here: he is being a liar and a jerk because of one reason only: he is too emotionally weak to face going through a tough, emotional sitution (telling his girlfriend its over), to ultimately get what he really wants, i.e. to be happy, to be proud of himself to for doing the honest thing, get the girl he's wanted to be with for many years (i.e. me) and, ultimately, to do the right thing. I know the guy loves me, course he doesn't want it to end between us, but that makes no difference to me - love isnt enough, he needs some strength of character too!!! Having acknowledged all of this, I think we might even stay close friends....seems to me that the OW, even if its a MM's 'perfect' woman, is an incentive for the MM to leave his W/girlf, but an incentive just isnt enough - that guy needs to dig down and find some strength of character and backbone and sadly not many seem to have it!! And having an A with them just lets them live without backbone that much longer... But I can say I think virtually all MMs who say they love the OW have this problem (aside from the kids, etc issue) - they certainly do love the OW, would rather be with her, but totally lack the strength of character to go through a tough time to ultimately get the big prize. And since I dumped this situation, I feel SO much more back to myself, v.happy, and so glad I'm not involved in lying to anyone anymore - great stuff. These guys hold you back y'know, and I dont think they mean to be jerks - they're just too weak not to be. So the upshot of this long post....I did the right thing and yes its hard but it's also a big relief!! - not only am I happier now, but I got a great career benefit from it that I'd never have gotten if I'd stayed in the situation as it was. Bit of heartbreak, but hey, I know the guy still loves me (OK that part is good for the ego, rightly or wrongly!), and I think we might keep a friendship here, so it helps...! I'd definitely recommend making the break - you think you're not strong enough but you 100% are.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 , I think we might even stay close friends.... Why? He is a jerk, a liar and used his position of power to bully you. Some friend he is. What are you going to get out of being a friend to him, or him a friend to you? keep it professional and that's it!
Author torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Yes, totally right, it's more than he deserves to have me as a friend! But then again, I was friends with him for years before this, and I think that it might be easiest on me if I can totally go back to that, and hold no grudges...kind of shoot for the indifference from my side (as far as the romantic side goes), and have no bitterness or regrets...I certainly wont be getting a repeat performance of his stupid mistakes re: pulling his weight at work - he's shamed himself enough - and as we were very good friends, I get the feeling that he's pretty shocked at how he acted like such a bully towards someone he's been a close friend too for so long - maybe a bit of a wake up call for him, actually. If we manage to keep the friendship, though, it'll still be a long while before I'd be prepared to hang out with him, after his recent actions, but it'd be cool to get that back sometime...
Author torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Yes, totally right, it's more than he deserves to have me as a friend! But then again, I was friends with him for years before this, and I think that it might be easiest on me if I can totally go back to that, and hold no grudges...kind of shoot for the indifference from my side (as far as the romantic side goes), and have no bitterness or regrets...I certainly wont be getting a repeat performance of his stupid mistakes re: pulling his weight at work - he's shamed himself enough - and as we were very good friends, I get the feeling that he's pretty shocked at how he acted like such a bully towards someone he's been a close friend too for so long - maybe a bit of a wake up call for him, actually, and it was genuinely out of character. If we manage to keep the friendship, though, it'll still be a long while before I'd be prepared to hang out with him, after his recent actions, but it'd be cool to be able to get that back sometime...
NoIDidn't Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I am glad that you got out and are happier and wealthier for it, but I am not convinced that he wanted you more than his GF. He threatened to fire you. He didn't seem to care if you had a livelihood when his R with his GF was threatened. But if thinking that he really would rather have you but he's too weak to do it gave you the strength to walk away, go with it. Congrats on the raise/promotion.
norajane Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Please be aware that you could smack him with a nice, fat lawsuit for even threatening to fire you over this. It's called sexual harassment and it's against the law. That's the only reason he kissed your ass when you resigned. He knew you could ruin his career and take him for all he's worth financially.
Author torranceshipman Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 So true girls, he could have gotten slapped with a big lawsuit, and would have deserved it, but then again, I'd already handed in my notice, stating that I wished to follow another career path more suited to my qualifications - all very civilised, and so he knew I wouldn't have caused any further trouble (I just wanted to leave asap by this point, with great references, and there are other good jobs out there in my field) - he just backed down, because, back in the day, we really were great friends, and he sold me out 100% by doing this - so at the moment he's trying to clear up some of his own damage (don't think that'a possible, given his recent actions). To be honest, more than anything, I hate the fact that we were friends for years and that a so-called friend would wind up acting like this. So yeah, he's an a**hole, BUT at the same time if we carry on working together, I am going to be the bigger person here, and I want to see if I can get back to being friends - only because I don't want to be bitter and hold on to a lot of anger and resentment about this, as that'd only be hurting me,especaily as I see him every day...but not as a favour to him. If I didn't work with him I'd certainly have deleted his phone number and never spoken to him again (and if he p[isses me off too much, hey, I can still leave!)
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Wow, at least you are more rational and logical than the OW whom my H had the A with. When she told me about the A (indiscreetly), then when she suspected that my H came clean with me, she went to file a false harassment complaint against him at the company. (Smart move huh?). Anyway, the complaint got dismissed because the only evidence she had was the love letters they were exchanging. And to avoid my H and save her job (because he used to do all her work while the A was happening, she went and got pregnant and is gone for year.)
puddleofmud Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 You stayed true to yourself--stood your ground--and even better things happened than you had imagined????!!!! WONDERFUL! Congrats as to your most deserved great future, and may you be the "best friend" your "supposed" OM ever had! Success and happiness are the best "revenge" and you have all of the afore-mentioned. Despite what other posters have offered; your successful ending is that you are O-V-E-R it and smiling about it, and still retain your circle of child-hood friends... I have nothing to say other than I envy your little butt and am so glad someone bent down and kissed it:laugh:
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