lost one Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 my husband an affair and as a result a child was born. The child is one year old. We are back together now after a 8 month break up. The woman still calls him. There are too many un answered questions. We are going for counselling but it is not helping. Is there any one out there in my shoes. I need help badly coping with this. I do not trust my husband yet and I dont know where to turn.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I am sorry for your pain... Maybe you need some one on one counselling, to help you cope with the feelings and betrayal of your husband's choice of having an affair. And, seeing as he has a child with her, unfortunately, the child will be a part of your life...(And so will she in some small way) Is their affair 100% over? Has he shown you remorse, proved that you can trust him again? What are his efforts in this marriage, other than counselling.
Author lost one Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 I have gone to one on one. It helped a little, I just don't know how I am going to handle this. Everytime I think of the child, inocent or not, it is a constant reminder of the betrayal. I want my husband to have nothing to do with either one. If he feels a financial obligation to the child I told him this must be done through a lawyer and between her & him. He has agreed but has not gone yet. When will this end or will it ever end. I am on a roller coaster.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I am sorry for what you are going though. That is rough! You mentioned you are back with your husband but you don't trust him? Has he showed remorse? Has he been an open book in terms of everything that has happened? This definately complicate things when there is a child involved. If your husband wants to be a part of this child's life then you can chose to accept it or not. Good luck
Romeo Must Die Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I dont know what to say because my husband was lucky (?) and didnt knock up the OW. That could happen to anyone. It is really hard to reconcille and I could not deal with the OW being around with a baby which is part of him. I would be sick. There are other groups for support for BS dealing with a FWS and and OW/OC. The child is innocent though. It's not anymore his fault for being born than it is yours and I guess in that way you were both innocents. I guess in the end if you truely accept your husband you could learn to love his child. He should love this child and be a man about it and do the right thing. A child needs his father. That comes first before marriage. A guy who abandons his kid is worthless. You could put out your best efforts to spoil this child and those efforts will be rewarded because the child will bond with you and your FWS will see a new side of you. It doesnt mean you have to accept the affair. If he wanted to be with her he would be in a heartbeat. Just look at her like a non person. She is a reminder, but the affair is over. Which is a FACT and triumphs over a reminder of a long ago event. It will probably be in your heart and in your head for a long time. Affairs are very traumatic, child or no child. This is the life God gave you and you have to do your best everyday to overcome your challenges. This kid has been born with more strikes against him than the normal kid. And so have you. The two of you have something in common already.
Author lost one Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 to romeo must die. Can you please forward me the support group that deals with not only the affair but how to handle the child. I want to know if this situation has every worked out for any one else. Last night I sat on the computer for 4 hours composing a letter to my husband telling him my feelings and thoughts and what I needed from him to make this work. Is this awful. I told him I wanted revenge. I wanted to confront this woman with him there and for her to tell me what she wants and for him to tell her infront of me what he wants. I think actually hearing the words come from him to her would help me start to heal. I want her to hurt the way im hurting. I want some comfirmation or actions from my husband showing me that this is over. He has only told me the words and I dont believe him or trust him yet. He has shown me no reason too. I have informed him that he needs to go through legal channels to put a plan in place regarding the child and he agrees, but it has been 2 months of him being home and nothing is done. I do love my husband but I also feel that I am banging my head against a brick wall. He says that he got himself in this mess and he does not want to hurt me anymore by telling me every detail (she sometimes calls him 60-70 times a day) and leaves him messages that he says he erases. He says that he knows what he has to do and will do it own his own. I should also mention that we did a dna without her knowing as she refused to do the test to prove he is the father, so only myself and my husband knows that the child is his for sure. She does not. Unless she knows in her heart that there could be no one else, but if she was so sure I would of done the test right away to prove the truth. She wants alot of money from his and is holding him hostage because of the child. That is how she gets to him. She does not work. She has had the child in day care now for 4 months saying he needs to be there as she is looking for a job. Why does she need to look for a job when my husband gives her money everytime she says the child needs something. She knew what she was doing the day she met my husband. She was single and in her 30th and wanted a baby. My husband is well off and that was her ticket for comfort for the rest of her life. I work in my own business very hard and make a very good living. I feel like this blood money he is giving her should be going to his own family not hers. Am I a bad person for these thoughts. Need help
Romeo Must Die Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/postlist.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB35 This is a discussion group on www.marriagebuilders.com for children born of affairs. There are alot of couples going through this! You are not alone! And of course you are not a bad person!
NoIDidn't Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Lost One There is another site that most of the Marriage Builder's folks have left for as it is a private site. The MB site is out in the open and can be read by any passersby. www.survivingbetrayal.com Most of the posters there are dealing with an Affair and a Child that is the result of it. They are very helpful and kind. You will have a community of your peers, none of which wanted to be in the situation in the first place. So they will know exactly how you feel. They also have a section for the Wayward Spouse (WS). Since you do not yet have PM capabilities, I have included it all here. I hope to not have run against any rules of LS in posting this. If I have, I truly apologize. lost I hope this helps you.
Author lost one Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 thank you for the sites you have given me. I have visted them and do see I am not the only one suffering from this. I sent my husband the email on Sunday & Monday he told me he read it serveral times and pondered over it. He said we will sit down and talk about it. As of today we still have not spoken about any issues. I feel like every day that goes by with no talk is another day taken out of our lives. It has been almost 11 months since he confessed to me about the affair and the baby. I feel I am no closer today than then it making this marriage go further. The longer this goes on the less I want to fight for this. To the people in this group, I am sorry I do not know the lingo yet (WS, OW, OC etc.) I am just guessing. If someone could help me out that would be great.
NoIDidn't Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 lost I don't think that you are losing the battle at all. Its a lot to deal with and the fact that you are still standing and looking for the strength from somewhere, shows that you have a lot of character and a deep well of strength to draw from. Its normal to be up one day and down the next. Its only been 11 months. And you've got the added issue of a child being born from the betrayal. Its normal to want to never see that child and to never want your H to see it too. Some can, some can't (have contact with the child, that is). Its so individual. The best you can do right now is to make sure that you take care of you. To make sure that YOU decide what YOU want. If you want your M (marriage), go for it. If you want to dissolve your M, go for that too. If you want contact with the child, prepare yourself for it. If you don't want contact with the child, prepare for the consequences and mixed bag of feelings that go with both options actually. You're not losing the battle. Its not a battle that you even chose. You are doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up over your H's bad choices and the consequences. Get some exercise to run up the feel good hormones, it really does help. Drink some hot tea and put on some fuzzy slippers. It helps too. Be well, okay.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 The abbreviations are shortcuts to save time and repetition. Poor kid, this is not your fault. Read alot and get informed. Make smart choices. A-affair BS-Betrayed spouse BW-Betrayed Wife D-Divorce D-day-Discovery day EA-Emotional affair EMA-extrmarital affair H-husband MLC-midlife crisis MM-married man MW-married woman NC-No Contact NPD-Narcissistic Personality Disorder OC-Other Child OM-other man ONS-one night stand OP-other person OW-other woman PA-Physical affair SO-Significant other STBX-Soon to be X(husband/wife) W-wife WS-Wayward spouse WTF-what the *****
Author lost one Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 thank you for your help. I understand the lingo a little bit better now. lol I thought BS was something else.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 LOL, yes, you are correct. It has a double meaning. A crane can be a rare bird, or it could mean a piece of heavy construction equipment. It depends on the context in which it is used. Also there are xMM, xOW, and FWS (to refer to them in the former, as being done with the affair) but there are never any xBW or xBS. Ever notice that? Hense the term, this is BS. This is not fair at all. Take care
Recommended Posts