saintfrancis Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Hello all you LS-ers. I'm back here after a couple years. I am no longer with xMM, in fact the last time we spoke was last June. I am here to tell all you OW going through an affair to search for my old posts from back when I was involved. I just had a read through some of my old posts now, and I'm telling you, what an eye opener! I just did not want to see how manipulative and childish my ex was, but he was. I am not only over the A, but I am happy that it's over! I endured a lot more pain and suffering after I left this board with that jackass, but eventually came to my senses once and for all. My ONLY regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Please listen to me - to someone who has BEEN there. No matter how STRONG your connection feels, and how RIGHT it feels, no matter what kind of CONNECTION you have with this man... RUN AWAY!!!! He is a liar, he has already proved that to you by cheating on his wife and lying to his own damn children (if he has them). You will NOT be any different! Why did this not matter to me before?? God, I don't know but you can bet your ass it matters now. I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade. If there's anyone who understands this situation from the OW perspective, it is me. Trust me, my xMM and I had a connection that was beyond description. But I'm telling you, it doesn't matter. ALL that came of that relationship was lies and wasted time. And I am happy to be rid of him. I cannot believe I let myself come in second, third, tenth, but NEVER first.... for YEARS!!! Those are years that I could have spent with the a REAL man who would REALLY love me!!! Please do yourself a favor and get out now. You won't die, you will go on. You've broken up with other men before this one, you know the drill. Just DO IT.
Marielle Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Hi, I m glad to read your post, what a good timing. You can check just above or below my post (ups and downs) and see what I mean. 2 years wasted. Yeah, all that connection, love, affection, deep love, all bs, or at least it was not real, just a fantasy. I m glad to hear you re better, gives me some hope.
Author saintfrancis Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Hi Marielle, I'll read your posts (haven't been on here in forever so I have no idea who is who anymore). I am not just doing better, I'm thriving, I'm glad to have MY life back and not have to wait for anyone to decide they really want to be with me! I am FREE!!! I can't tell you how amazing it feels... I mean, yes I mourn the loss of what I once thought was a great and never-ending love. I'm sure I will always have some feelings of warmth when I think about the good times, that is natural. But, the crap outweighed the good stuff eventually. And the lies....jesus. Someone who loves you "beyond description" doesn't lie to you like that. I am happy not to be in prison anymore. Now, I may never find Mr. Right, but at least now there is the possibility that I can find him, rather than waiting for Mr. Selfish.
Seen_It_All Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 It's always wonderful to see someone whose eyes have been opened. Mine were opened a LONG time ago and there's nothing worse than seeing women being lied to and manipulated and they don't realize it. NO married man is "Mr. Right," because "Mr. Right" is not a liar and a cheater. A much more apt title for a MM is "Mr. Right NOW." Good for you that you'll never compromise your pride or self respect ever again just so you can ENHANCE some married cheater's life. I'd love to see alot MORE posts like this.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 welcome back! I attended catholic school. Nice name. Welcome St.Francis, our light of the world... lol
Author saintfrancis Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 welcome back! I attended catholic school. Nice name. Welcome St.Francis, our light of the world... lol Lol... I guess I can be the light of the OW board, at least for a moment. The MM i was involved with is now onto someone else, giving her the same lines about love, etc that he gave me. I used to think this would crush me if I ever found out that he was with someone else. Surprisingly, I just rolled my eyes at hearing about it. In a strange way, it kind of validates what I thought all along, that his lines about loving me were just that... lines. I was not imagining things.
Jane Doe Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 This is great to hear! I hope you'll stick around and be a strong reminder to others.
frannie Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade. If there's anyone who understands this situation from the OW perspective, it is me. Trust me, my xMM and I had a connection that was beyond description. But I'm telling you, it doesn't matter. ALL that came of that relationship was lies and wasted time. And I am happy to be rid of him. I cannot believe I let myself come in second, third, tenth, but NEVER first.... for YEARS!!! Hello and welcome back to the boards! Did you feel like you were second, third and tenth best during the affair..? Or is this how you feel now, having got free of it? And, what happened in the end..? How did it end, and why..?
Author saintfrancis Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 Hi Frannie, Thanks for the welcome! Did you feel like you were second, third and tenth best during the affair..? Or is this how you feel now, having got free of it? Yes, I did feel this way during the affair... however not "constantly," so it was not a stretch for me to sweep that feeling under the rug because I believed that it would not stay that way forever. On the other hand, if I had been thinking clearly, I would have realized that I felt like I came in second, third, etc, often enough that it was unacceptable. And, what happened in the end..? How did it end, and why..? Well, mine is an interesting story of intrigue and deception, lol. Actually, that is not far from the truth. Ex-MM had told me about three years ago (two years into the A) that he and W had filed for divorce and were in legal proceedings/negotiations/separation. Furthermore, he had promised to keep me informed as things developed, so that I wouldn't be left in the dark about our "future." Over the course of the next couple of years I heard nothing at all unless I asked, and then only vague replies and excuses. Still, I was living with hope, because I loved him (looking back I don't really get what I saw in him, although there was some good sex and a feeling of safety, as he was older than I) and wanted to believe that he really wanted to be with me like he said he did. Last year I had finally had enough of the games and started pushing the issue. I asked him to show me paperwork or we were through. He would agree to show me his "paperwork" only to backtrack later, making excuses as to why he couldn't. This went on a few times. Finally, I did my own investigating (I won't go into details) and found proof positive that there was never a filling of any kind -- not for divorce nor even separation. He was a complete liar. That was it. Game over. Now he is on to another OW. I feel sorry for her. I am not about to contact her, though. She knows he is married. She'll have to learn what a scumbag he is the hard way, just like I did.
frannie Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 ... proof positive that there was never a filling of any kind -- not for divorce nor even separation. He was a complete liar. That was it. Game over. Oh wow. That would end it for me, too. Sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you've managed to move on.
cbl Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Now he is on to another OW. I feel sorry for her. I am not about to contact her, though. She knows he is married. She'll have to learn what a scumbag he is the hard way, just like I did. Thank you for your story. I think that's going to help a lot of readers on this board. Can I ask how you came to know about the new OW and those things that your xMM told her? And why is it that you do not want to get in contact with her and let her know what kind of person he really is? Not as revenge but consider to help a person who might be as confused as you were used to be. I was involved with a MM for six years. It all started when I was 24 at my first job. xMM was the VP of our department. When I was involved with him, I had been contacted by this manager in our department (who I was later told by others, his gf - although he said they broke up) She asked me if I slept with him and she called my mom. Instead of me leaving him, I was pregnant with his baby in the third year into our relationship. I chose not to keep the baby although he was going to financially and emotionally support me and the baby. Everyday, until this day (I am now 35) I can not stop thinking if I had made the right decision at that time. And I could not help but think whether the situation would be any different if I listened to his ex-gf.
Guest Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Thanks Frannie! Can I ask how you came to know about the new OW and those things that your xMM told her? And why is it that you do not want to get in contact with her and let her know what kind of person he really is? Not as revenge but consider to help a person who might be as confused as you were used to be. cbl, I have mutual acquaintances with the ex-MM. That is how I know. I don't know details, but I know him, and I will bet anyone $1000, no make that $10,000 that he is telling her the same things he said to me in the beginning of our relationship - "I love you like I've never loved anyone at any time before" - "We are soulmates" - "I want to make sure I do this right ('this' being his imaginary divorce) so that we can be together 'for real' ". My money is betting he is saying those very same things to her, because that's what he does. If so, she has no doubt fallen very hard in love with him by now. Why don't I contact her? Well... a) It's none of my business what he does anymore. I want nothing to do with him at all, and by contacting her, I will only be keeping myself involved in his life, albeit in an indirect way. I do not want to be involved in his life. I have been moving on quite nicely and do not want to get sucked back into his pathetic life in ANY fashion. b) If she has fallen for him, she won't believe me anyway. c) It will only make me look like the "psycho" ex-gf who can't let go, and I am far from it. Sure, I am still angry over everything that went down, but I'm not crazy. d) It will likely only drive them closer together, as he will surely paint me as having "sour grapes" etc. and she will defend him. There are a million reasons not to contact her, and very few good ones to do it. If I thought I'd be taken seriously and could really spare this woman what's coming, I'd consider doing it, but that is not likely to happen. My prediction is that he does get divorced at some point, and marries his new OW. After several years together he will start lying to her just like he did to me (it took him a couple of years to start playing games and lying with me - at least that I know of). Then she will have to decide if she wants to stay married to such a person.
Author saintfrancis Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Thanks Frannie! Can I ask how you came to know about the new OW and those things that your xMM told her? And why is it that you do not want to get in contact with her and let her know what kind of person he really is? Not as revenge but consider to help a person who might be as confused as you were used to be. cbl, I have mutual acquaintances with the ex-MM. That is how I know. I don't know details, but I know him, and I will bet anyone $1000, no make that $10,000 that he is telling her the same things he said to me in the beginning of our relationship - "I love you like I've never loved anyone at any time before" - "We are soulmates" - "I want to make sure I do this right ('this' being his imaginary divorce) so that we can be together 'for real' ". My money is betting he is saying those very same things to her, because that's what he does. If so, she has no doubt fallen very hard in love with him by now. Why don't I contact her? Well... a) It's none of my business what he does anymore. I want nothing to do with him at all, and by contacting her, I will only be keeping myself involved in his life, albeit in an indirect way. I do not want to be involved in his life. I have been moving on quite nicely and do not want to get sucked back into his pathetic life in ANY fashion. b) If she has fallen for him, she won't believe me anyway. c) It will only make me look like the "psycho" ex-gf who can't let go, and I am far from it. Sure, I am still angry over everything that went down, but I'm not crazy. d) It will likely only drive them closer together, as he will surely paint me as having "sour grapes" etc. and she will defend him. There are a million reasons not to contact her, and very few good ones to do it. If I thought I'd be taken seriously and could really spare this woman what's coming, I'd consider doing it, but that is not likely to happen. My prediction is that he does get divorced at some point, and marries his new OW. After several years together he will start lying to her just like he did to me (it took him a couple of years to start playing games and lying with me - at least that I know of). Then she will have to decide if she wants to stay married to such a person.
pureinheart Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hey SF..... Amen, and another Amen!!!!!! I have the same regret....sooner would have been better. I am still working MY life out, but it's all good now! GBU SF!
cbl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 There are a million reasons not to contact her, and very few good ones to do it. If I thought I'd be taken seriously and could really spare this woman what's coming, I'd consider doing it, but that is not likely to happen. My prediction is that he does get divorced at some point, and marries his new OW. After several years together he will start lying to her just like he did to me (it took him a couple of years to start playing games and lying with me - at least that I know of). Then she will have to decide if she wants to stay married to such a person. thank you. i wonder if any of us could have learned the lessons in an easier way...
Romeo Must Die Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Well stick around St. Fran. I know you cant help the OOW, but there are alot of good people going through this very same thing here and they could really use your help and advice individually, from a non threatening xOW (as opposed to BW like me) or bad advice where they should really take your cue to exit the affair before it gets any worse for them.
Author saintfrancis Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Well stick around St. Fran. I know you cant help the OOW, but there are alot of good people going through this very same thing here and they could really use your help and advice individually, from a non threatening xOW (as opposed to BW like me) or bad advice where they should really take your cue to exit the affair before it gets any worse for them. Thanks! I do hope I help other women avoid this black hole. I know there are A situations out there that really do work out for the OW and MM, but those are the exception, and not the rule. I was living in hope for so long that "we" were an exception, because he gave me enough support (he WAS loving in many ways) and enough BS to keep that hope alive. But, he lacked committment. He lacked committment to me and of course to his W. He is probably HIGHLY committed to the new OW now, because he does that in the beginning, but over time that will change for her too. At least, I would be very surprised if he actually made good with the new one. So sad.
Meaplus3 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hello all you LS-ers. I'm back here after a couple years. I am no longer with xMM, in fact the last time we spoke was last June. I am here to tell all you OW going through an affair to search for my old posts from back when I was involved. I just had a read through some of my old posts now, and I'm telling you, what an eye opener! I just did not want to see how manipulative and childish my ex was, but he was. I am not only over the A, but I am happy that it's over! I endured a lot more pain and suffering after I left this board with that jackass, but eventually came to my senses once and for all. My ONLY regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Please listen to me - to someone who has BEEN there. No matter how STRONG your connection feels, and how RIGHT it feels, no matter what kind of CONNECTION you have with this man... RUN AWAY!!!! He is a liar, he has already proved that to you by cheating on his wife and lying to his own damn children (if he has them). You will NOT be any different! Why did this not matter to me before?? God, I don't know but you can bet your ass it matters now. I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade. If there's anyone who understands this situation from the OW perspective, it is me. Trust me, my xMM and I had a connection that was beyond description. But I'm telling you, it doesn't matter. ALL that came of that relationship was lies and wasted time. And I am happy to be rid of him. I cannot believe I let myself come in second, third, tenth, but NEVER first.... for YEARS!!! Those are years that I could have spent with the a REAL man who would REALLY love me!!! Please do yourself a favor and get out now. You won't die, you will go on. You've broken up with other men before this one, you know the drill. Just DO IT. Hi saintfrancis, I am glad for your thread. I think it's great of you to come back and share hope for other's. Everything you said here is so TRUE! I am so glad you are able to be rid of Xmm. I am glad to be rid of Xmm too. I just have to remember on a daily basis that he is not a REAL man, just a big JERK who had probably moved on to his next prey! AP:)
MySugaree Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Welcome back to the non-Affair world, woman. Check out your 3rd May 2004 Thread. You weren't happy, then, either. Affairs , like love, cripple judgment, and paralyze action. By the way, I'm zarathustra. Have fun out there!
Author saintfrancis Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Zarathustra! Long time no chat! How are YOU?? I was talking with a good girlfriend of mine today about the ex-MM time in my life, and the new OW. I observed that even at his age (mid 50's) and hers (mid 40's-ish), it seemed to me like it was easy for them to meet and become involved -they didn't seem to have a problem finding someone (each other) too hook up with. My friend said, regarding the new OW, "Yes, but look at what she's found! She has to settle for the bottom of the barrel! She's isn't being choosy and isn't finding a decent man, she's taking the first thing that comes along that looks good. But he's the bottom of the barrel!" So right on....
MySugaree Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I've been out of the shadow of my MW for three years, now. We've not spoken in a year and I've not seen her in two. I'm happily dating a somewhat wild divorced woman who's a blast. We're very compatible. As for affairs, never again. I avoid flirtatious married women like the plague--especially at work. I'm very happy residing in the land of the unmarrieds. Welcome back and I'm happy that your life is back together.
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