notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 So, I just experienced the familiar milestone of that first date since a breakup. It did just like I expected -- it caused me to think about her... especially after the date ended. There isn't enough chemistry for me to pursue further (although she'd like to!), but Im fairly certain my assessment isn't being overly tainted by my thinking of the ex. Overall, I am feeling pretty good about the decision to go, and now that it is the next morning, I find myself with a feeling of optimism about the way forward.
miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Well done NMS. At least you're out there. It's good you didn't feel the need to dive in head first in an attempt to to expunge memories of the ex. Rebound relationships can be most painful. Great you feel optimistic about dating - my first foray took me right back to square one as I just kept comparing. I think when that doesn't happen you know you're almost fully over them, but that shouldn't stop one from seeing who's out there.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Well done NMS. At least you're out there. It's good you didn't feel the need to dive in head first in an attempt to to expunge memories of the ex. Rebound relationships can be most painful. Great you feel optimistic about dating - my first foray took me right back to square one as I just kept comparing. I think when that doesn't happen you know you're almost fully over them, but that shouldn't stop one from seeing who's out there. Thanks miss snoopy! And... just to back up what I've been saying to you on your thread.... it took me a LONG time to get to this point!
miss snoopy Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 How long did it take you? (I know relationships don't follow mathematical formulae but I could do with a glimmer of hope!)
Author notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 How long did it take you? (I know relationships don't follow mathematical formulae but I could do with a glimmer of hope!) It took me nearly 2 years, with major setbacks along the way to realize that I had to pull back from dating my ex in order to heal and improve. I don't want to come across as sounding like I'm fully healed/better, I'm not -- but I can feel a pretty deep change within me, and I can tell that things are getting better.
CaliGuy Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 NMS, you need to continue to date as often as you can. If for no other reason than to get you comfortable talking to and being around women. You shouldn't be going too far with the dates. Just hang out, have dinner, have a few drinks and chat. Sometimes the best way to get back in the saddle is to get thrown onto the horse
MagnoliaJane Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 NMS, Good news! Take your time. Your dating-style (few, many, slow, fast) doesn't determine who you are. So take it the way it feels best to you (I'm sure you are doing so).
Author notmakingsense Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Thanks for the support CG and MJ! I am taking my time with this. I'm sticking with the whole "make sure you are happy on your own" principle -- and I'm not really seeking out dates much as a result. However, if the opportunity just happens to fall into my lap (as this last one did), I certainly won't ignore it!
miss snoopy Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 It took me nearly 2 years, with major setbacks along the way to realize that I had to pull back from dating my ex in order to heal and improve. Wow 2 years! But you're a man... my biological clock can't wait that long!
CaliGuy Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Thanks for the support CG and MJ! I am taking my time with this. I'm sticking with the whole "make sure you are happy on your own" principle -- and I'm not really seeking out dates much as a result. However, if the opportunity just happens to fall into my lap (as this last one did), I certainly won't ignore it! NMS, also you want to keep several prospects in the pipeline. I do NOT mean sleep with them! What I mean is if you have many options then you won't be tied to the outcome of just one woman you are dating. It will make you more relaxed, fun and easy going during a date. And if she doesn't call you back, WHO CARES?! You will have others. I'm learning that myself. The best way to insure you'll find the right woman is to go on dates with as many as you can. Again, I don't mean sleep with them, just don't put all your eggs in one basket and you won't be disappointed if/when they don't pan out.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Cali -- I totally know where you are coming from with this, and it is SO TRUE! Fortunately for me, I've never had much of a problem getting dates. In the past, whenever I've broken up, I'd go on a "dating mission" soon after and load up the pipeline. But, I do have a history of getting too serious too fast. However... I'm sticking to the self-imposed dating moratorium for a while. Let say... maybe 6 months or so. I'm trying to achieve the state of not giving a sh*t if I'm in a relationship or not before I start actively dating. This will be a new approach for me...
CaliGuy Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Whatever works for you, amigo. Just don't become anti-social. If you stay away from people for too long a period your social skills will quickly erode.
polywog Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I can relate, NMS to that feeling you had about dating reminding me of an ex. Personally, I find conventional dating icky... I have had the best times getting to know men first in a friendly non-date way. Just hanging out in a sitch where I could get to know them a bit before an actual date. I don't know what your life is like, but maybe you will click with some female that you just hang around with in a group, or whatever. I know all about the too serious too fast thing....Danger! I Don't do that no more... Good luck, guy.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 I wish I could do that -- but I'm in a job that doesn't allow me to meet many women! Dating services have been my best bet -- but something I want to try getting better at is picking hobbies/sports that have more women in them. I'm thinking of Tennis, etc.?
CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I wish I could do that -- but I'm in a job that doesn't allow me to meet many women! Dating services have been my best bet -- but something I want to try getting better at is picking hobbies/sports that have more women in them. I'm thinking of Tennis, etc.? That or join a gym, talk to women in the grocery store, at the gas station, etc. Practicing talking to women can be done anywhere. And when you're confident you don't take every instance of rejection personally. It's like sales. 20% of the people you meet will always be interested in what you are selling. 20% of the people you meet will never be interested in what you are selling. It's the 60% of the people that will be on the fence that pose the greatest challenge. Learn to not left rejection bother you and you will find success. Again, dating is numbers game.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 NMS, try tango classes!!!! I like that idea! Actually, it has been on my list for years to get some salsa dancing lessons -- I'm told they are filled with eligible divorcee's lol.... it is funny how this thread turned into "lets give NMS tips on getting dates".... I've actually never had much of a problem with that. My problem happens after I get the dates... I narrow down the field and get serious far too quickly! This is related to my not having got completely rid of the "I need to be in a relationship" way of thinking. This is what the extended time alone (something I've never done before) is designed to help cure.
polywog Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I wish I could do that -- but I'm in a job that doesn't allow me to meet many women! Dating services have been my best bet -- but something I want to try getting better at is picking hobbies/sports that have more women in them. I'm thinking of Tennis, etc.? Love the Tango lessons idea! Here's what one of my single male friends did; he loves to hike and explore new places, so he formed a group for singles to meet from time to time to hike. He made the group for people with his own interests (he's a musician and had the theme of the group be people in the arts). He was pleased with the response, and has made a lot of new friends, and I believe is in a serious relationship now. In any case, he made lots of new friends, male and female, and it was a great way to just hang out casually and have a group focus to allow friendships to blossom. Plus hiking just lifts the soul. I am an avid birdwatcher, esp in the spring when there are lots of migrating birds to look for. I go on my own (am just recently "dumped" so I was not single last spring) but I was amazed at the number of people I met, including some great men, who I probably could have persued if I was single. There were more women than men out there, and it struck me as a great way to meet guys. Or if you were a guy, girls. Anyhow, if you think of something you have always been interested in trying (Tango, tennis, volunteering at a museum, traning to be a DJ at a local independent radio station, etc etc) it's just a great way to get yourself out in the world and meet women who have a passion for something.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Great news NMS! Thanks Mz. Pixie! So what kind of places do you hang out? Maybe I'll try those!
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