justchar Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 We've been divorced for 6 months after 7 years together...5 of them married. We divorced because of problems I had with communication and money and his problems with sensitivity and listening. He divorced me and told me he didn't love me anymore. I was 9 months pregnant at the time. We stayed together for the birth of our son and when he was 2 months old I moved out. We've gotten along fine since our divorce and see each other on a daily basis. Fighting was never our problem. He had befriended an old flame when I was pregnant and texted her quite frequently on a daily basis. They met in person a few times in public places...which I approved at the time. Over time our relationship begin going downhill and it seemed he started talking to her more and more. I asked that they limit their relationship and that's when he told me he wanted a divorce. Basically it felt like he was choosing her friendship over me. Flashforward...I find out a month or two after we divorced they casually dated. She was looking for a husband and he said he was just looking for a rebound because he was horny. The last time he saw her was New Year's Eve. I hate that he dated her because I know how he felt about her in the past...his first love and all. I can't help but wonder what if she wasn't crazy would he still be here asking me back. I just met someone as a friend but I was interested in seeing where it might lead. We met online but he's local and we have mutal friends. He seems really nice and all and I'm curious I don't know what to do? I have alot time and familarity invested with the ex plus we do have a 9 months old together. Part of me says it was so easy to walk away from me when I was pregnant what says he won't do it again. He can be insensitive and i'm very sensitive. He needs alot of conversation and I'm a quite person. I don't even know if I love him anymore. I care about him but I could never look at him the same as I used to because he reallly hurt me. So, should I give the ex a chance? Should I give this new guy a chance? Should I just be alone and try to figure out what to do first?
notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 So, should I give the ex a chance? Should I give this new guy a chance? Should I just be alone and try to figure out what to do first? I don't get what you mean about giving your ex a chance. He left the relationship and isn't asking to be back in it. If he comes back, it has to be of his own initiative. As far as the relationship is concerned, I would treat things as if he is gone. That said, the ex will permanently be in your life because of your child together and you will need to learn how to get along as co-parents for the sake of the kid. Staying away from the drama with him is probably necessary ingredient for that plan to work. I also think you might benefit from just being alone for a while. It is hard enough raising a young child -- you don't need to also be worrying about dating also -- at least not until you feel happy on your own and don't "need" someone else in your life. Focus on your child, your work, your friends and your hobbies. When things have all settled and you feel great about your life -- then that's the best time to be thinking about expanding things with a partner.
Author justchar Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 He is asking for the relationship back. He wants to get back together. I just don't know if I should go back to him...sorry if I wasn't clear. I've been alone for the last 7 months and I am happy by myself now...that's why I didn't date the whole time, so I could be stronger and so I could discover who I was again. All I do is work and child so that's not an issue.
RecordProducer Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 So, should I give the ex a chance? Should I give this new guy a chance? Should I just be alone and try to figure out what to do first?If in doubt, leave it out. Is he remorseful and apologetic or does he think that what he did was OK and he'd do it again? Personally, I think he betrayed you when you needed him most and that's a good enough reason to write him off. I wouldn't give him another chance. When you were nine months pregnant, he went after another woman following his horniness. What were you doing while he was screwing around? Giving birth and taking care of your baby. His baby! He made a major mistake and shouldn't be able to get away with it. Why does he want you back? Is he horny again, but no one else is around? It's very difficult to deal with unstable people who change their minds and feelings as the wind blows. If I were you, I would tell him that I can't forgive him. If he really loves you, he will do anything to obtain your forgiveness and win you back. If he doesn't try hard, he is not worth the trouble, he would betray you again. Dumping you when you were 9 months pregnant is not only an action of a lousy husband, but also a lousy person, a lousy friend, a lousy family member. 1
notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 He is asking for the relationship back. He wants to get back together. I just don't know if I should go back to him...sorry if I wasn't clear. I've been alone for the last 7 months and I am happy by myself now...that's why I didn't date the whole time, so I could be stronger and so I could discover who I was again. All I do is work and child so that's not an issue. Thanks for the clarification -- I didn't read your post right. You did all the right things! I think it all comes down to whether or not you think you and he have changed enough to make it work. Otherwise, things (after a "honeymoon period" will return to old patterns). I'm always a big supporter of moms & dads working things out because of the child -- but don't do so at the expense of your emotional well-being. Maybe you can start slowly with dates here and there, and closely monitor the situation?
Author justchar Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 If in doubt, leave it out. Is he remorseful and apologetic or does he think that what he did was OK and he'd do it again? Personally, I think he betrayed you when you needed him most and that's a good enough reason to write him off. I wouldn't give him another chance. When you were nine months pregnant, he went after another woman following his horniness. What were you doing while he was screwing around? Giving birth and taking care of your baby. His baby! He made a major mistake and shouldn't be able to get away with it. Why does he want you back? Is he horny again, but no one else is around? It's very difficult to deal with unstable people who change their minds and feelings as the wind blows. If I were you, I would tell him that I can't forgive him. If he really loves you, he will do anything to obtain your forgiveness and win you back. If he doesn't try hard, he is not worth the trouble, he would betray you again. Dumping you when you were 9 months pregnant is not only an action of a lousy husband, but also a lousy person, a lousy friend, a lousy family member. My sister reminded me of the whole leaving me when I was pregnant. But, let me clarify. He told me when I was 9 months pregnant that he wanted the divorce, but I didn't move out of the house for 2 months afterward. He was there for the whole birth but he didn't participate much. The only thing he did that was nice during that period was hold my hand during my c-section. He said during that time he was so mad b/c of our relationship and b/c he thought I cheated on him. He didn't start "dating' her until a month or two after our divorce was final. I'm not innocent either. There was a period of time right before I got pregnant that I was out partying several times a month with my co-workers (most guys) and not coming home until 4-8am. I didn't even call. Our relationship was pretty ****ty then and I realize now that I just needed to have some fun b/c my home life sucked at the time. He always thought I cheated on him during that period, I didn't, and he even got a paternity test. He has a history of running when things get tough. He did it with school like 4 times and he did it to me. Your right, how do I know he wouldn't do it again if things got tough.
Guest Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 In defense if I may offer. Stories get misconstrued when told and retold. The mention of divorce was two weeks before you told me you were pregnant. I was also unaware that you had not restarted any birth control after quitting the shot. So yes we had communication problems. And please be honest about how much you liked to hang out. It wasn't a couple of times a month it was more like two or three times a week usually when the sun came up you came home and it wasn't all just hanging out that was going on and I am making no reference to sex. I just feel if the story of my divorce gets posted over and over on multiple sights I would like to at least see both sides balanced out. I agree that I did not treat you the greatest when you were pregnant and I apologize again and will do so for the rest of my life that was wrong of me completely. That act alone puts me lower than pond scum I agree. I am also not the only one that lacked follow through though. I dropped out of a couple of programs but you did as well sweetheart. Not to mention that I supported you completely with your online business that turned into a shopping spree for yourself that cost us thousands. One side of a story can be easy but I feel after seeing myself bad mouthed again and again that I can offer a little insight into the whole relationship. When I approached you i apologized and expressed interest in us making amends and yes I screwed around after our divorce but never once did I leave you at home wondering as to my wellbeing or actions or do anything that would cause you to think that I was unfaithful. Our home life was unhappy true but do you remember why. I have been trying to amend communication problems we had so that we can be friends at least that is how I initiated the conversation. Okay I feel like scum again going tit for tat but lets be real niether of us was good to the other one during the last few years of our marriage. Like you told me one day sitting at the dining room table "I get defensive when we talk and I lash back at you." So I just want to know when a man gives and gives and you take and take and finally he has enough and ends the situation you hope online and spread the story in search of advice from others but the story is one sided bad. I want to be your friend. I am trying to be your friend and talk to you b/c we have a son and b/c I realize what I did was wrong, mean and cruel but dear please do not play the martyr. Let me ask you people if your spouse was doing things as i have mentioned and lying on top of it about a wide variety of things what would you do? I so desire to be friends again like when we sat on leather couches and laughed about everything. Those two people aren't gone, they just quit communicating and did stupid things that hurt one another. I have spent enough time alone to know the wrong of my deeds but seek to make things as right as I can or will be allowed. I am not asking you to take me back, I did not ask you to take me back when i walked into your office and apologized. I am trying to make myself a better man and by stooping down to this level i am probably not doing that but I wanted you to understand when I was in that office that I knew what I had done was wrong and that there probably is no way I can make you feel better about it but there is probably no way you can make me feel better about leaving me alone in this house while you filled your wild cravings. If you want to dwell on those things you can, you said you had moved on and that you don't look back once you do. Like I told you on Yahoo. I wouldn't want you to look back. I would want you to look forward. That is what I am doing. It took me a long time to heal after all the things that happened and the same goes for you I am sure. So what do you want to do? People what do you think we should do if anything? At least talk to me about these things. Humbled and ashamed I leave this response which I hope does not piss you off b/c that is not what I am trying to do. I am trying to reach you and get through to you. Any suggestions people? I too seek your opinions b/c I know not what else to do.
Guest Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 If friendship is all your wanting then you were never without it.
silentcharon Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Oh, my god, your story is just like mine, except we never got married and my ex never dated our 'mutual' friend until after we broke up. It got very ugly for the last few months- I went on to date another man and my ex came back to me. I refused, saying we were with other people and it was wrong of him to do that. I didn't know what to do, since I still loved my ex, I wrote him off thinking he was never going to come back but he did. He did it when he was dating our 'mutual' friend, but in the end, she dumped him. I felt that it wasn't fair, how exes seem to come back magically just when people move on and start seeing someone new. I wasn't willing to dump my new guy for my ex because I did really like him, so I just continued seeing him until he broke up with me (a whole other story.) I wanted to see what it was like with someone new, since I already knew what it was like with my ex. It was a really ****ty situation, but I tried to make the best out of it. Give the new guy a chance- but beware, make sure it's what you want, and give him 100% of you if it does lead to something. You sound like me when I was trying to figure out what I wanted, and I decided on the new guy and I don't regret it one bit. I could never look at him the same as I used to because he reallly hurt me. This should be your clue. Don't go back to your ex.
silentcharon Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 And, guest, are you Justchar's ex husband? If you are seeking advice, please don't hijack her thread- start your own.
RecordProducer Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 He told me when I was 9 months pregnant that he wanted the divorce Ass! He said during that time he was so mad b/c of our relationship and b/c he thought I cheated on him.Cheated or not, you were pregnant with his child and the paternity test was rather an excuse for his crappy behavior, as in he didn't even know if he was the father so why bother around the baby... I'm not innocent either. There was a period of time right before I got pregnant that I was out partying several times a month with my co-workers (most guys) and not coming home until 4-8am. I didn't even call. Our relationship was pretty ****ty then and I realize now that I just needed to have some fun b/c my home life sucked at the time. This was rather a consequence of your broken relationship than a cause of the failure of your marriage. He has a history of running when things get tough. He did it with school like 4 times and he did it to me. Your right, how do I know he wouldn't do it again if things got tough.Run away from people who run away whenever things get heated instead of resolving the problem. It's a mindset of a quitter; a "my way or the highway" mindset. My ex left me first when our twin babies were two weeks old. He kept leaving until he finally left me when they were two years old. If you don't have feelings for him anymore, you should invest in this relationship.
Author justchar Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 I want to be your friend first and foremost for the sake of our son and because me being me does not really dislike anyone. I'm not trying to bash you online, nobody here knows you or knows me. I'm only trying to get a thrid party perspective on what I should do, because as of now I'm unsure.
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