Guest Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Hi everyone, I could really use some advice here. This is a long post i'm afraid, if you want to skip the details, my dilemma is at the bottom, i would really appreciate any comments! I am in my very first relationship, which really is my FIRST, I've never even dated anyone else or even had many friends who were guys as I went to an all girls school and was very shy and only met guys when I came to uni. i am now in my third year at uni, i am 20 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for 1yr 3months now and i love him so much. The thing is, he is 18 years older than me- the age gap isnt a problem for either of us, we have loads of things in common, talk about anything, like a lot of the same books, films, music etc and i trust him 100%. My problem is jealousy- i think on this board its called retrospective jealousy. I never get jealous about women who are around now, who hes friends with now, but i have problems dealing with his past. When we first got together, it didnt bother me at all and for the first year i had occasional periods of jealousy, but nothing too major that lasted very long. The last couple of months, however, have been hell. Somedays I can think rationally and while the thoughts might pop back into my head, i can keep them at bay, while other days it just tears me apart that there have been others before me. I hate the fact that he found other women attractive or arousing, that he might remember having sex with them, that they actually had the chance to be with my man. I know this is silly, because they had their chance and they still lost him while i have kept hold of him, but i keep imagining how much he must have felt for them and find it hard to understand why he'd want me when i'm so much younger, more immature, soo inexperienced and not very confidant. He's never been married and, while he's always been very good and only ever had relationships, never one night stands or anything, none of these relationships have lasted long. Only one other than me (when he was around 20) lasted more than a year, i dont think any others lasted even a year. I dont understand why i should feel threatened by women that he admittedly cared for and had sex with, but who are in the past and didnt last as long as me anyway. Mostly its the last 2 girls i cant stand, i can cope with the rest, but these 2 are the ones i usually think about, probably because they're the most recent. The first of the 2 he still keeps in contact with, but not very often and she lives in Germany so there's not much he can do with her! The other one cheated on him so he immediately dumped her cos he's very big on fidelity. I had a bad period of jealousy 2 days ago and got upset and asked him about these girls again, I know the rule is you should never ask because its not fair to your partner and you wont like the answers, but some of the questions have been driving me insane. i couldnt understand why he went out with the first girl as she was only in the uk for a year during uni and they both knew she was going back to Germany at the end of the year, so what was the point of getting attached to someone you knew had to leave you? The second one he got involved with VERY quickly, almost as soon as he met her. He said that that relationship shouldnt have happened but he was feeling very vulnerable at the time and it just did. I know he hates it when i ask questions and get upset, i know he loves me and not them, but i just cant help my feelings. I'm trying SO hard to get past it all, i know its all in the past and he's with me now. I know if we broke up and found other people, they would have to cope with our history together and they shouldnt have to worry cos i'd only go out with someone else if i was over my ex. My boyfriend also said i made him feel guilty for having had a life before me, and i can completely understand his point of view, I hate to hurt him, I have absolutely no right to make him feel guilty because he's done nothing wrong. I know its stupid, especially because i am dating an older man, but these feelings have made me wish that he hadnt had such a life before me because he's not afraid to LIVE in all respects, he'll try anything, he likes a rush eg he used to have a motorbike, does karate, did rock climbing, jumped out of planes etc. My life before him was boring, i went to school and that was it, i was scared of getting romantically involved with someone and i also played safe, never took risks. I know its selfish and pointless of me to wish he'd never found anyone else before me, you cant ask a 38 yr old man to be a virgin or at least only had one or two other girlfriends, esp when he hasnt been married! Now my dilemma is this: I really love him and i know he loves me too. He has said he can see us getting married. But i dont know whether i should stick to this relationship with a wonderful man, who has been hurt loads of times in the past and thinks that he has finally found the right girl, or whether i should hurt the both of us and leave, knowing that in time we'll get over each other even though it'll hurt at first (and he's had plenty of practice of getting over people!) in order to find someone maybe closer in age who hasnt got such an extensive past for me to deal with and for him to find someone who has been in other relationships so that he doesnt have to deal with my stupid irrational jealousy. I REALLY dont want to hurt him and he is a lovely guy, and i really dont want to get hurt myself. I just dont know what to do, cos somedays i feel like all i want is him and i'm being stupid, whereas other times i have doubts and dont know if it'll work. I have told him about my jealousy, he is supportive, but i havent told him that i'm having doubts. I'm also midway through my last year at uni and i dont want to mess it up because i'm confused about my boyfriend or having to deal with a break up. Please help me, please give me some advice, especially if there's anyone out there who has experienced the same kind of situation!
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