Sand&Water Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Last time I talked to my male friend, was in early-mid December 2006. Haven't heard from him since. Literally vanished. I, basically, sent him a short but nice Christmas Greeting in December 2006. He responded, right away, wishing me the same. I felt happy. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Throughout the Holidays I did my thing. During this period I didn't contact him -as I was busy with things and relaxing -and naturally, I am not the type of person to be available or cling to men. I have only known him for less than a year -and, from the very start I made a decision to take this slowly. As a result, I have not become too open with him about myself, my life, or my past. But I am making progress. I, honestly, don't know why I am being defensive. But, this is what I am right now. So far, he has been patient -which I am quite pleased with. He is willing to take it one step at a time [his own words]. Long Story Short: Come mid-January, and not a word from him I decided to extent my hand. Two days ago, I contacted him with a check-up. Thus far, nothing. Nothing. I don't know what is up. I thought he and I would get together and do something -or have coffee or whatever. Perhaps I did something wrong. What happened? Is he ignoring me? How long should I wait? Should I let go of him, and move on? Thank you in advance. Sand&Water
Porn_Guy Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I don't know S&W....you should wait a week or two then if you still don't hear back then you can assume its over.
Pyro Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Last time I talked to my male friend, was in early-mid December 2006. Haven't heard from him since. Literally vanished. I, basically, sent him a short but nice Christmas Greeting in December 2006. He responded, right away, wishing me the same. I felt happy. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Throughout the Holidays I did my thing. During this period I didn't contact him -as I was busy with things and relaxing -and naturally, I am not the type of person to be available or cling to men. I have only known him for less than a year -and, from the very start I made a decision to take this slowly. As a result, I have not become too open with him about myself, my life, or my past. But I am making progress. I, honestly, don't know why I am being defensive. But, this is what I am right now. So far, he has been patient -which I am quite pleased with. He is willing to take it one step at a time [his own words]. Long Story Short: Come mid-January, and not a word from him I decided to extent my hand. Two days ago, I contacted him with a check-up. Thus far, nothing. Nothing. I don't know what is up. I thought he and I would get together and do something -or have coffee or whatever. Perhaps I did something wrong. What happened? Is he ignoring me? How long should I wait? Should I let go of him, and move on? Thank you in advance. Sand&Water You have done more then your share of attempted contact. The ball is in his court now. From what I read, you did nothing wrong. Don't wait around for him to respond.
CaliGuy Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I agree with Riddler. You've done your part. One thing I have learned about dating is that it's good to have several prospects going on at once. That way you aren't overly concerned with the outcome of one and don't come off as clingy and needy. That isn't to say you should be sleeping with them or anything, I just mean that if you have options then your outlook is much more positive. You won't really care one way or another about one particular prospect because you will have others that could pan out. That's some of the best dating advice I have gotten and it's made a major impact on my attitude when going out on a date. I am much more relaxed, fun and have a good time without putting all my eggs in one basket. Dating really is a numbers game.
norajane Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Thus far, nothing. Nothing. I don't know what is up. I thought he and I would get together and do something -or have coffee or whatever. Perhaps I did something wrong. What happened? Is he ignoring me? How long should I wait? Should I let go of him, and move on? Thank you in advance. Sand&Water You haven't done anything wrong - he has. Don't take this on yourself. If he was having concerns, he should have mentioned them. If he wanted to stop seeing you, he should have told you instead of leaving you hanging like this. Whatever it is, there's no excuse for simply dropping off the face of the earth without rhyme or reason. That's just rude. There is nothing for you to do at this point except to accept that he isn't the guy you thought he was.
Walk Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Maybe he saw "holidays" as a time for "lovers" and since you were off doing your own thing he took it as a sign that you weren't really interested in him. Maybe he felt since it'd been nearly a year that you had placed him into the dreaded "friend" category. A year is a long time to take things slow. I always got the impression from you that you two were still playing the verbal cat and mouse game. Still under the "friends" umbrella with a promise for potentially more. I don't think you did anything wrong. But you are encased in a pretty thick shell. I'm not sure how many people would be patient enough to wait a year for you to put effort into showing them you want them in your life. Sometimes you have to make some effort to come out on your own too. Getting hurt won't kill you. Getting your heart broken won't kill you either. Otherwise I would've been dead a least a dozen times by now. But in my opinion... if a person couldn't find time for me (even during the holidays), had their own thing going that really didn't involve me.. I think I'd wander off too. It doesn't take long to make a phone call every once in a while, and it would've shown you were thinking of him. I would've interpreted your actions as someone who really didn't like me as anything other than a mildly interesting acquaintance. At that point, I would've turned my attention to finding someone who did want me in their life, and if I had spare time and was bored, then I'd return your call.
TheDC Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I'm going to have to agree with Walk on this one. If it were me in his place I probably would have broken contact ages ago. I have plenty of friends and don't really need any more. I'm sure he was all for taking things slow but not glacially. He probably did a cost benefit analysis and the numbers just weren't in your favour.
Author Sand&Water Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 RE: He, finally, did contact me today. Definitely brightened my day. Thank you everyone. I appreciate the feedback, and advice. Even though, at the moment, I feel like he and I are playing ring-a-round-the-rosy. Neither one of us, really, wants [ -perhaps lacks the courage] to proclaim anything substantial in the dating-relationship world scheme. I, sincerely, don't know for how long I will be able to keep this up. The effect fades after a while. I will certainly take the advice into consideration when harvesting and deciding whether I may or may not continue to pursue this particular man. All The Best, Sand&Water
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I agree with Riddler. You've done your part. One thing I have learned about dating is that it's good to have several prospects going on at once. That way you aren't overly concerned with the outcome of one and don't come off as clingy and needy. That isn't to say you should be sleeping with them or anything, I just mean that if you have options then your outlook is much more positive. You won't really care one way or another about one particular prospect because you will have others that could pan out. That's some of the best dating advice I have gotten and it's made a major impact on my attitude when going out on a date. I am much more relaxed, fun and have a good time without putting all my eggs in one basket. Dating really is a numbers game. OMG Cali! I had that very same conversation last week! I agree, hands down!! Not only does CASUALLY DATING (I emphasize that - no sex!!) multiple people take the pressure off and help you avoid being needy/clingy, but it makes you GLOW. It's no coincidence that when it rains, it pours. Everyone can sense that GLOW that you have if/when the world is your oyster and you KNOW and BELIEVE it. As for this dude, you did nothing wrong. The ball's in his court... I'd give him 10 days tops, and then just write him off.
CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 OMG Cali! I had that very same conversation last week! I agree, hands down!! Not only does CASUALLY DATING (I emphasize that - no sex!!) multiple people take the pressure off and help you avoid being needy/clingy, but it makes you GLOW. It's no coincidence that when it rains, it pours. Everyone can sense that GLOW that you have if/when the world is your oyster and you KNOW and BELIEVE it. Glad to see someone else is on the same page. I've just found that putting all your eggs in one basket is also putting all your hopes and dreams in the same basket. If it doesn't work out, you tend to take it much harder than you should (getting you depressed) and it leaves you in no condition to date others. The more prospects you have, the better life seems (and really is).
Boond0ckSaint Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I agree with Riddler. You've done your part. One thing I have learned about dating is that it's good to have several prospects going on at once. That way you aren't overly concerned with the outcome of one and don't come off as clingy and needy. That isn't to say you should be sleeping with them or anything, I just mean that if you have options then your outlook is much more positive. You won't really care one way or another about one particular prospect because you will have others that could pan out. That's some of the best dating advice I have gotten and it's made a major impact on my attitude when going out on a date. I am much more relaxed, fun and have a good time without putting all my eggs in one basket. Dating really is a numbers game. No, you can only have one at a time.
Pretty Fly Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I, sincerely, don't know for how long I will be able to keep this up. The effect fades after a while. With all due respect, then why insist on taking it so slowly? I agree with what Walk said too. I know a girl at the moment that is taking the "pursue me" thing just a bit too far. Yes, pursuing is fun, but there needs to be some reward, else being elusive is just interpreted as "not interested"
lovelorcet Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 No, you can only have one at a time. I disagree... You can get to know more than one person at once...
CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 No, you can only have one at a time. Says who?! If you are limited yourself to one person before you are officially "a couple" then you are simply putting all your eggs into one basket. Not good for you in many ways. You will put so much emphasis on that one person that you'll be uptight if things don't go well or if he/she rejects you, you'll take a huge hit to your confidence and self esteem. If you are dating (no sex, not officially a couple) several prospects then you'll be less likely to be depdendent on the outcome. You can hang out and be yourself and not worry about the outcome. And if it doesn't work out with one person you know you have several other prospects so it won't damage your confidence or self-esteem. I say again: "Says who?!"
Boond0ckSaint Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Says who?! That little voice inside you that says "you shouldn't be doing this." Of course, I have never been in the situation of having different "prospects" (that term just doesn't sound right to me) I've never really technically been on a date, or "dated".... just whenever I think of that situation, it just seems shady.
CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 That little voice inside you that says "you shouldn't be doing this." Of course, I have never been in the situation of having different "prospects" (that term just doesn't sound right to me) I've never really technically been on a date, or "dated".... just whenever I think of that situation, it just seems shady. It's "shady" if you're sleeping with them. IMHO dating should be looked at as an opportunity to evaluate as many people as you can (without getting sexually intimate with them) to decide who is best for you. I'm not advocating being a player. I just think the more prospects you have the less likely you are to be tied to the outcome of one, the more likely you are to relax, have fun and just be yourself. And I think it will do loads for your confidence and self-esteem. After all, if one doesn't work out, you will not overpursue. You won't get clingy or needy with them. You won't need to as you'll have other options. The more options you have in your life, the better life is, the more happy and carefree you'll be and well, isn't that what we want in life?
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 It's "shady" if you're sleeping with them. IMHO dating should be looked at as an opportunity to evaluate as many people as you can (without getting sexually intimate with them) to decide who is best for you. I'm not advocating being a player. I just think the more prospects you have the less likely you are to be tied to the outcome of one, the more likely you are to relax, have fun and just be yourself. And I think it will do loads for your confidence and self-esteem. After all, if one doesn't work out, you will not overpursue. You won't get clingy or needy with them. You won't need to as you'll have other options. The more options you have in your life, the better life is, the more happy and carefree you'll be and well, isn't that what we want in life? I totally agree. Seeing as you've NEVER been on a date, Boond0ckSaint, I don't see HOW you can judge and say that casually dating people (i.e. dinner, a movie, some bowling, etc.) should lead anyone to have a little voice inside telling them what they're doing is wrong. Check it out for yourself.
Boond0ckSaint Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I totally agree. Seeing as you've NEVER been on a date, Boond0ckSaint, I don't see HOW you can judge and say that casually dating people (i.e. dinner, a movie, some bowling, etc.) should lead anyone to have a little voice inside telling them what they're doing is wrong. Check it out for yourself. Check what out for myself?
Walk Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 That little voice inside you that says "you shouldn't be doing this." Of course, I have never been in the situation of having different "prospects" (that term just doesn't sound right to me) I've never really technically been on a date, or "dated".... just whenever I think of that situation, it just seems shady. hmm.. the little voice inside my head says it's perfectly alright. As long as it's casual (no sex) dating. I've never had a problem dating (casually) more than one person. Just like I can go out with more than one friend during a week. But then again, I don't consider "a Date" as one step away from marriage proposal. I consider it two people meeting up to talk and hopefully have fun for a short while.
Boond0ckSaint Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Well, again, I've never been in the situation, so I could be wrong. I consider it two people meeting up to talk and hopefully have fun for a short while. Sounds pretty nerve wracking to me.
CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 Well, again, I've never been in the situation, so I could be wrong. You could be. Sounds pretty nerve wracking to me. So was the swimming pool the first time you tried. Next thing you know you're swimming around like a frog. The easiest way to build confidence and overcome your fears is to face them... You don't think the first time I was on stage playing before a live audience I wasn't p*ssing myself scared? After about 5 shows I was thriving and actually craving being in front of an audience. The largest show I ever did was 10,000 people and you know what, I probably played the best I ever did that night. Confidence is merely tackling your fears head on and win/lose/draw, not matter what happens, you will end up more confident than you were before you tried.
blind_otter Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I only dated multiple men once, when I was about 18. I was seeing 6 different guys at once, but not having sex with any of them. Then I started getting them confused with each other and eventually dumped all of them almost simultaneously. Oh, well.
CaliGuy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I only dated multiple men once, when I was about 18. I was seeing 6 different guys at once, but not having sex with any of them. Then I started getting them confused with each other and eventually dumped all of them almost simultaneously. Oh, well. I think 3 should be the max. Date them all (no sex). When one drops off, fill that spot with another until such a time that you decide to start officially dating one of them. Then take everyone off your list. But that takes time. Months at least. So while you are evaluating you should always have your pipeline full of three candidates. I can't imagine dating six women at one time. I have dated three though and didn't have a problem keeping things straight.
francis Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 the cultural difference is really interesting. here in the UK, we don't generally 'date', and so the idea of seeing more than one person at a time, with romantic intentions, is considered cheating of sorts. It's definately a more of a one at a time game. I guess if it is clear to the other person that that is what you are doing, it's good to ease the pressure and hope off of one person, until you really fall hard for an individual. But I wouldn't want to be involved romantically with one person, knowing he was keeping his options open.
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