Cat-ty Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I've been with my bf for almost a year. I lost my virginity to him even tho i saved it in a previous relationship of 2 years, so it must have meant sumthing that i chose to 'be with' my current boyfriend. He treats me well, we have fun, he's romantic, and we're like bestfriends. The PROBLEM is that I can't get over things he's done in the past. I had a previous problem with my ex who went to a strip club and got a lap dance when i told him that that was the one thing i didnt want him to do. My current bf got a lap dance b4 he knew me and failed to tell me the truth about it until much after since he knew how much it hurt me when me ex got a lap dance. We recently had an argumet about that and i told him that getting a lap dance is exploitive to women and he stated that the women are exploiting themselves...which really upset me. One other problem was that b4 he knew me he had a one night stand and it upset me that he slept with me w/o getting tested but he just reassured me that he knew he didnt have anything...but he couldnt really KNOW if he wasnt tested. I thought that this was really selfish and that he should have simply been tested with the thought of my well-being and safety in mind. We constantly have fights now about these topics and even tho they're from the past they still really bother me... Am i stuck w/ problems of the past or is my bf a selfish jerk?
Pyro Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I've been with my bf for almost a year. I lost my virginity to him even tho i saved it in a previous relationship of 2 years, so it must have meant sumthing that i chose to 'be with' my current boyfriend. He treats me well, we have fun, he's romantic, and we're like bestfriends. The PROBLEM is that I can't get over things he's done in the past. I had a previous problem with my ex who went to a strip club and got a lap dance when i told him that that was the one thing i didnt want him to do. My current bf got a lap dance b4 he knew me and failed to tell me the truth about it until much after since he knew how much it hurt me when me ex got a lap dance. We recently had an argumet about that and i told him that getting a lap dance is exploitive to women and he stated that the women are exploiting themselves...which really upset me. One other problem was that b4 he knew me he had a one night stand and it upset me that he slept with me w/o getting tested but he just reassured me that he knew he didnt have anything...but he couldnt really KNOW if he wasnt tested. I thought that this was really selfish and that he should have simply been tested with the thought of my well-being and safety in mind. We constantly have fights now about these topics and even tho they're from the past they still really bother me... Am i stuck w/ problems of the past or is my bf a selfish jerk? Don't get mad at your BF for things that he has done in the past. We all have made mistakes. If he is so sure that he is clean, then ask him to go get tested for STD's, just to make you feel safe. If I were him, I would do that. As far as the lapdance goes, did you ask him about it? Did he say no? If he told you no, then you have the right to be upset, because he shouldn't have to lie to you about it.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I'd stay with him if he treats you well, you two are best friends, and you honestly love him. I don't think you losing your virginity to him should have any bearing on whether you stay or go, but that's another issue entirely. You need to let go of things that he did before you two were together. If he was currently getting lap dances when he knows you have a serious problem with it, then you'd have an issue. But if he did it before you were together, he can't be blamed for that. He had no way of knowing that one day he'd be in a relationship with a girl who despised lap dances. Of course, lying about it is another matter all together. Did he blatantly lie, or did he simply omit the fact? Has he agreed to get tested since the arguments? Hopefully he has, and if so, then I'd let it drop.
norajane Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 If you do a search on LS for strip clubs and lap dances, you'll see that issue is a big problem for people in relationships. Forget the lap dances in his past; discuss with him how he feels about going to strip clubs and getting lap dances now, while he's dating you. Would he do it? Would he respect your wishes and not go? Would he feel you were trying to control him if you insisted he not go? If you stay in this relationship with him, and especially if you think you have a future together, make sure you are both aware of each other's feelings about strip clubs and lap dances and can come to some kind of agreeement about them. While you're at it, discuss porn and masturbation. Make sure you know how he feels about using porn because that seems to hurt a lot of women when they find out how much their bf's use porn. As for the testing, yes, he should have gotten tested. At the same time, you could have asked him about his sexual history and asked him to get tested before you had sex with him. Responsibility for that lies with both of you. Get tested now, and use condoms anyway.
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