Tormented Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 A poster here brought up an interesting point, something that made me stop and think and I'd like to hear other's view points on this subject. We strongly advocate NC on this board, which in most cases, is the best way to go if we hope to heal. However, I noticed that many of us become hurt and angry when our exes DON'T contact, and likewise, we become hurt and angry when the DO contact us. If we don't hear from them, we immediately assume they don't care - and that hurts. If they DO contact us, we immediately become suspicious and nontrusting. We tend to think that they have a personal agenda and should not be trusted. Okay - so my question is this: If an ex is truly remourseful for his/her part in the breakup, how does he/she approach us WITHOUT appearing suspicious? Is there a RIGHT way to do this? If your ex approached you, how would you prefer him/her to do so? What would be the "right" approach for you? ~T~
underpants Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Hi T, I will respond to this because I have been asking myself this same question recently. I guess everyone's situation is different as well as their motives. For me... I was dumped and I was very hurt by the circumstances. I got alot of light friendly contact and a desire to be friends. Almost as if by magically sweeping all the hurt and deception under the rug and slapping a big friend label on the whole thing would just make everything okay. Well, no. For me, this ex would have to acknowledge that hurt and apoligize for it, before I could even consider a friendship let alone anything else. It has been months however and I just think he just can't see how his actions and behavior hurt not just me but others. Some people just cannot see past their immediate wants, then blame everyone else for their unhappiness. I guess I have to be thankful that although I was shown the door, I closed it. In any healthy relationship there has to be some respect and empathy for the other's feelings. To acknowledge that you have hurt someone and to apologize for it, is the first step in reconciliation (on any level). Then communication can follow and then, well who knows. At least you would learn more about yourself if you are earnestly trying. For any relationship to follow however, both parties have to earnestly keep trying. That said, tormented, I have read your posts, and I don't like what your fellow has put you through. I don't know if he has the inner strength to find his footing and stand with you. Not that your inquiry is a reflection on your recent break. I guess my short answer is a sincere empathetic acknowledgement of what happened and an apology. Gosh, it is my time of the month....Where is the chocolate?
phyrespryte Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Okay - so my question is this: If an ex is truly remourseful for his/her part in the breakup, how does he/she approach us WITHOUT appearing suspicious? Is there a RIGHT way to do this? Well what do you mean by remourseful? Like they want a second chance? I'd rather be left alone if all they want is to be friends. If your ex approached you, how would you prefer him/her to do so? What would be the "right" approach for you? It'd be nice if they approached me as if things were normal and didn't send me any mixed signals. I can't handle that "I feel sorry for you" look. Pisses me off.
jusified Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 It all depends. If the Ex did the dumping and he/she did alot to hurt you then you have very right to Not Contact them so you can move on. If they want to contact you then they have to make every effort to do so. NC is not to worry about the ex because you can't and should not worry about them anymore, it might hurt but it is the best way. For those pplhat get angry at their ex for not contacting them I ask you why??? If you did the leavig how do you tink it makes the other person feels. If you were dumped, then if you keep contacting the dumper it will just make your life worse, sure make a few efforts to try and resolve things but after a few attempts just leave it. In the end its about yourself when you are single again, not the other person.
al8765 Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 My ex is trying to be there for me, when I need it because he wants the friendship. He wants to give me my space and figure out what I want to do. Like everyone has mentioned so far and told me, it takes space and time and unfortunately, it can't happen overnight.
norajane Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 We strongly advocate NC on this board, which in most cases, is the best way to go if we hope to heal. However, I noticed that many of us become hurt and angry when our exes DON'T contact, and likewise, we become hurt and angry when the DO contact us. If we don't hear from them, we immediately assume they don't care - and that hurts. That's because NC is really to help us heal and get over someone. However, we secretly hope the ex will move heaven and earth to be with us once they realize how much they miss us and how wrong they were to either dump us or to treat us so badly that we have to dump them. Then, when we see they aren't lifting a finger, much less moving heaven and earth, the reality sinks in that they aren't going to realize we were the best thing that ever happened to them. If they DO contact us, we immediately become suspicious and nontrusting. We tend to think that they have a personal agenda and should not be trusted.Right, because we did break up for a reason, often because the other person hurt us, or was selfish in the relationship, or cheated, or whatever. So when they contact us, we are immediately reminded that they couldn't have changed overnight, so there must be some self-centered reason they are contacting us. Okay - so my question is this: If an ex is truly remourseful for his/her part in the breakup, how does he/she approach us WITHOUT appearing suspicious? Is there a RIGHT way to do this? If your ex approached you, how would you prefer him/her to do so? What would be the "right" approach for you?That will be different for everyone. It depends on the circumstances of the break up and what the issues were. Some general things that could help: - A real, honest to god, sincere apology that includes a thoughtful and thorough acknowledgment of what they did that they are now remorseful about. A lot of exes just try to slip back in to your good graces without ever mentioning the problem, without ever acknowledging that what they did really, really sucked for you. An ex can't just start calling you as if nothing ever happened. Worse, some people TEXT. Hello! You broke my heart and now you want me to fall all over you just because you TEXTED me one night? "I'm sorry you're upset" doesn't cut it. "I'm sorry I was stupid for taking you for granted, for not calling, for flirting shamelessly, etc. There's no excuse for what I did; I was being selfish and thoughtless, and you deserve much better than a guy who doesn't show you how much he appreciates you. I hope you'll be able to forgive me, and I will be there for you as long as it takes to make this up to you." I've had some exes get very creative with their apologies - one guy got down on one knee and sang to me..."soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me"...if you've ever tried to learn all the lyrics to that song, you'll know it was quite a feat! But creativity doesn't count as much as sincerity. And I think a lot of times, we don't believe our exes really "get it" as to what they did wrong, so their apologies are hollow. - No DRUNK apologies or actions. Calling at 3am when you're drunk and missing me is crap. Call me when you're sober and can form a sentence. - Backing up the apology with action. Whatever it was that was done wrong, do something to indicate change. Try to FIX IT. "I'm sorry, and here is what I will DO about it". Even better, "here's what I HAVE DONE about it". - A grand gesture. Major ass kissing for a while doesn't hurt. - The problem has to be something fixable. If I dumped a guy because he's a commitment phobe and would never **** or get off the pot, then he's not likely to win me back because he still is and is always likely to be a commitment phobe. Or a serial cheater. Or whatever.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I split up with my Ex-BF of five years because I was unhappy. We'd had a year of arguments but he hadn't really ever thought there was a chance we would split, and was extremely hurt. He's such a good person and I respected his NC for six months until I bumped into him. From there, he wanted to discuss our relationship and needed further closure. A year on, we're friends. Both of us are in new relationships. We both concluded that our relationship wasn't strong enough to be together as a couple, but our friendship is so much stronger. I think if that NC had not occurred we would never have had a chance of becoming friends. However, I was completely honest with him and told him that I no longer wanted our relationship in any shape or form. I see lots of break-ups where some people like to keep the Ex "hanging" just in case they want to return to them and have made the wrong decision. Dont even know if that answers the question, but I'm a strong believer in NC
letter-to-elise Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I have no contact with my Ex right now and sincerely doubt that he will contact me since I was the one who decided to break off the contact. However, if I were to choose, he should write me a simple email on my birthday or for Christmas. I am a firm believer that both parties of a relationship are to blame when the relationship turns bad and therefore I do not expect heartfelt apologies. In fact, too many apologies would make me think that he wanted to get back together again. No, he should write a neutral email where he states that he would like to be friends. No grovelling, no asking forgiveness, no love declarations. Simply one adult asking another adult to bury the hatchet... And when six months have passed and both of us have moved on, that's exactly the kind of email I will write to him. Love, etc... Elise
Author Tormented Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Wow, Underpants. Great post...very well-written and expressive. Your response pretty much parrots my exact feelings on this. Anything less than a genuine apology won't work for me. However, in my case, even a genuine apology could NEVER repair the damage he created. But - if I felt he was truly remorseful for the pain he caused, I could forgive...but will probably NEVER forget. I wanted to pose this question to everybody here because there are a few cases here where the damage doesn't appear permanent. There was no cheating, lying, abuse, etc...and in those cases, perhaps things can work out. But there HAS to be contact and if both parties go in NC, how then can the two reconcile? Seems a heartfelt, GENUINE apology is what most here would like. Not that we'll always get it, but many of us hope anyway. Thanx for your post. I enjoyed it! ~T~
Author Tormented Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Hey Elise... I just sent my ex that "type" of letter last week. I did it for ME, not him. And I have to say, it did bring me some closure. I didn't do it before because I wasn't ready. It was my way of wiping my hands clean from this relationship and walking away - for good. However, I don't think it's over for him as he continues to drive by my house and call my cell phone with a disguised voice. Whatever..... ~T~
Author Tormented Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Dont even know if that answers the question, but I'm a strong believer in NC Yep...no contact is the ONLY way to go in most cases. I remained strict NC with my ex for very good reasons. It's been 5 months now and it's taken me this long to even THINK about any contact with him. To this day, I still don't want a face to face meeting with him. Just no desire anymore to see him. But I did write a letter to him last week rather than meeting with him, as he requested, telling him how much he hurt me and ending it by wishing him well. It was my way of saying good bye...for good. ~T~
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I'd respond positively to a simple "I'm sorry, I still love you". I really would. Whether or not I'd get back with him is a different story. I've come to terms with the fact that he's not the man for me. If he wanted to reconcile- he'd have to put a whole lot of effort into it....and even then- I'd probably not decide to be with him again, even though I still love him. My heart's just not in it like it used to be. D
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