What have I done!!!!

[NearlyThere]

Well its just gone midnight here and I'm not too sure if I've done the right thing, wrong thing, or just lost my marbles somewhere. I had the best reasons in my mind but not too sure how its going to turn out. Sorry if the post is long, but sometimes its difficult to convey things.

 

I've had a couple of difficult weeks and its bought things to a head in my R with the MM, well for me it has anyway. I cant go into too many details on here as to hows its happened but lets just stay the MM's W is on full alert just waiting for the final piece of evidence she needs. He says that on a scale the tension at home on a rating out of 10 its a 50. This has been going on for nearly 3 weeks now. Which is making the atmosphere strained to say the least.

 

Had a convo with him last Saturday and he came out with the statement that he was feeling really guilty with what he was doing, as in having an A and what he was doing to his W. I said well if you feel that way you should stop seeing me if you think you still have feelings for your W that make you feel that way. He said it wasnt that and went on to talk about what we were doing was wrong and in previous eras we would probably have both been stoned to death. Obv in some countries that is still the case, but we wont go there. Well the convo had to stop there so then I had a couple of days to think about it.

 

Tues gone, I bought up the subject again and questioned these thoughts he was having about his W and feelings, he said I was reading far too much into the statement, ie being a typical woman and over analysing things, lol, and the only reason he is there is the same as he has said before which is because of the children. (I know this subject has been done before but before you reply to this statement please read all the post). He said you know I have said that I could not bare to not see them, I want to see them every day, be there when they are ill and are growing up. He said I cant abandon them, I was half responsible for bringing them into this world, he says he would lay down his life for his kids, so putting up with being uphappy himself is nothing, he said I have to listen to the men I work with talking about having to go to court to get to see their kids, that they only see them once every other week and thats if they are lucky.

 

Wednesday night I talk to a friend about a friend of hers who is male who I know as well. Well about 3 months ago he left his SO, having had enough, they have a son together. She told me that he has had to wait 9 weeks to get to see his son, the exSO would not let him even though he is paying reg maintenance. She would not even let him see his son on Xmas day. He is finally allowed to see his son, and the little boy wanted to stay to have some supper, when he phoned his mum to ask, he was told no, the exSO said to the ex that if their son was not back in the next 20 mins then she would report him to the police. The little boy is so confused, his dad has just basically vanished from his life, he is only 6.

 

Well this bought me right back to reality in what the MM has been telling me all along. I suppose the trouble is I am not a person who would use a child as a pawn so its difficult for me to understand how someone else could. I know Bonehead and a couple of other people on here know about this as well. I really started to think about it as in what he is really going to lose if we get busted. I mean the worse that I am probably going to get is an irate W either verbally and/or phyically abusing me, which I know I cannot complain about, I made my own bed type thing, possibly named in a divorce. But for him it would be endless.

 

I also started to think what some BS's and other people say on here about the OW being very selfish and all we ever think about is ME, ME, ME and about our own wants and desires. I am really one of the most unselfish persons you could meet, I always put other peoples wants and needs above my own, so I find it difficult to put myself in that category. I mean I dont beg the MM to stay with me, I'm not some kind of wanton goddess or anything, I dont suppose my BJ's are any better than any other womans, lol, all I ever do is just do kind things, which I do to all my friends (not the BJ's obviously) and show him how much I love him. But I started to wonder am I being selfish by my acts. I dont know if i'm making myself clear here, its not about going NC to try to get him to leave his W, but NC because if he is right in him saying he will give away his happiness for the sake of his children, I will give up my love for him so he can do what is right for his family. Gawd does anyone understand me. And I'm beginning to sound like a drama queen, OMG, lol.

 

There was a thread on here a while ago that Ripples posted on saying that she can understand how OW come to the conclusion that they think the MM might leave. She was so right, but I hadnt realised that that is what my mind was doing, I kept thinking that because he keeps telling me how unhappy he is that in the end he would leave although he was even telling me the opposite.

 

So this morning I go to see him and he knows after a few mins that something is bothering me. So I completely surprise him by saying I think he needs to spend a few days taking a really close look at what we are doing and what the reality is going to be if we get found out and if he wants to carry on seeing me. I suppose I am really giving him an easy cop out but I wanted him to spend at least a week without contacting me in any way to decide as I said its not really a choice, I have no doubts as to how he feels about me, but its doing the right thing.

 

He knows after the last time we tried to be friends only that it doesnt work that we end up exactly back where we started and I have said that if he decides we cant go on then that ok, we have just reached a conclusion to what we had which was to make each other happy even if it was only for 14 months. You see the thing I hadn't thought through was if by some kind of strange fluke he says he wants to carry on, because the trouble is although these things had gone thru my mind, I was not planning on saying them. It just turned into one of those moments. I mean, did I say it for some other reason?

 

Thanks for reading, anyone any thoughts/comments.

[frannie]

Well this bought me right back to reality in what the MM has been telling me all along. I suppose the trouble is I am not a person who would use a child as a pawn so its difficult for me to understand how someone else could. I know Bonehead and a couple of other people on here know about this as well. I really started to think about it as in what he is really going to lose if we get busted. I mean the worse that I am probably going to get is an irate W either verbally and/or phyically abusing me, which I know I cannot complain about, I made my own bed type thing, possibly named in a divorce. But for him it would be endless.

 

I also started to think what some BS's and other people say on here about the OW being very selfish and all we ever think about is ME, ME, ME and about our own wants and desires. I am really one of the most unselfish persons you could meet, I always put other peoples wants and needs above my own, so I find it difficult to put myself in that category. I mean I dont beg the MM to stay with me, I'm not some kind of wanton goddess or anything, I dont suppose my BJ's are any better than any other womans, lol, all I ever do is just do kind things, which I do to all my friends (not the BJ's obviously) and show him how much I love him. But I started to wonder am I being selfish by my acts. I dont know if i'm making myself clear here, its not about going NC to try to get him to leave his W, but NC because if he is right in him saying he will give away his happiness for the sake of his children, I will give up my love for him so he can do what is right for his family. Gawd does anyone understand me. And I'm beginning to sound like a drama queen, OMG, lol.

 

 

FWIW I understand exactly what you mean. Those are the exact same reasons I got back together with MM in September last year. And they're the exact same reasons I am beating myself up right now at the thought of him leaving his marriage and not having the same access as he does now with his children.

 

There really is no answer to this, and you won't get any from 'the multitude' who want to paint you as a selfish b (and him in the same vein)... I don't even know how to really respond to what you're saying because those feeling you (and I) have are so easily ridiculed, so dangerously easy to ride over and exploit... and we would never know (my head says it...) whether we weren't just laying ourselves down on the altar of 'not hurting the children'...

 

So... have you said it's over between the two of you ..?

[NearlyThere]

So... have you said it's over between the two of you ..?

 

Hi Frannie

 

No, not directly, I think he knows I'm not happy with the way things are as we dont get to spend much time together, but the risks are too great so thats just the way it is.

 

I wanted him to take a look at how things are at home without me around and see if what he has is really worth sacrificing and this time it really will be the end of our A. I'm 99% sure what his choice is going to be but I need him to say it. It was a difficult thing for me to say this to him considering how I feel about him.

[NineGirl]

HOW DO we post new thread starters?

[cbl]

you do this because you love him. and that's a big thing to do.

 

before i left my xMM, one day during our conversation i asked him if his wife would be interested in a weight loss program which my sister joined and the results turned out to be very good. he asked me, "why do you want to help her?" and i told him, if by doing that can make her happy, then you will be happy. then i will be happy.

 

you love him and i think that's enough.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

NT, I really sympathise with what you are going through. Far from selfish, you sound like you are really putting all of your efforts into giving your MM as much space to get his head together as he needs.

 

I've been in a very similar situation as you can see from some previous threads. My MM has two children. His W found our about our A and from then on, his children became pawns in a battle of wits between him and his W.

 

Many see the OW wrongly as some wanton man-eater, lounging around in silk lingerie and scoffing at children and wives ( as I sit here in my grey joggy bottoms it couldnt be further from the truth) . We know better.

 

Instead of breaking up, you sound as if what you're doing is having a R-check. Stopping , looking around and evaluating where you are once in a while is a good thing. And I think you may not have been planning on saying the things that you said, but they were on your mind. Your brain over-rided you heart and you told him how you were feeling.

[mustbcrazy]

NT,

When I read your post, I felt like I had possibly logged in under your name and written it myself! My MM and I had the same discussion Saturday night, and, this morning, I am having exactly the same feelings you are. I definitely did not mean for our conversation to take the course that it did (ie, ending the A), but I felt like statements were coming out of my mouth that I knew were the "right things" to say, despite how I really feel. I too was trying to think about how much my MM would lose and how I would cope with being somewhat responsible for it. Now that I have said these things to him, I am an emotional wreck. I am thinking that maybe I should do the week of NC like you are doing...I just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry to ramble about my situation...it just seems like we are experiencing the same thing.

[LittleWingedOne]

I always ask the (almost) MM im with if he feels guilty and i always think im sabotoging it. Now i see, i probably feel just as guilty. go for the NC for awhile, see how it works

[NearlyThere]

NT, I really sympathise with what you are going through. Far from selfish, you sound like you are really putting all of your efforts into giving your MM as much space to get his head together as he needs.

 

I've been in a very similar situation as you can see from some previous threads. My MM has two children. His W found our about our A and from then on, his children became pawns in a battle of wits between him and his W.

 

Many see the OW wrongly as some wanton man-eater, lounging around in silk lingerie and scoffing at children and wives ( as I sit here in my grey joggy bottoms it couldnt be further from the truth) . We know better.

 

Instead of breaking up, you sound as if what you're doing is having a R-check. Stopping , looking around and evaluating where you are once in a while is a good thing. And I think you may not have been planning on saying the things that you said, but they were on your mind. Your brain over-rided you heart and you told him how you were feeling.

 

I love that quote, "your brain over-rided you heart", I wish it would do it more often. I suppose your right it is a kind of evaluation of what is happening. Your right though I am trying to give him space to try and think things thru, if we end up apart then ok, I will try and get on with my life without him. I like your name Je Ne Regrette Rien, because thats how I feel, even though this R has been painful at times, as much as it has also been great, I never regret the day I met him and got involved.

 

How are things going in your sitch at the moment?

 

NT,

When I read your post, I felt like I had possibly logged in under your name and written it myself! My MM and I had the same discussion Saturday night, and, this morning, I am having exactly the same feelings you are. I definitely did not mean for our conversation to take the course that it did (ie, ending the A), but I felt like statements were coming out of my mouth that I knew were the "right things" to say, despite how I really feel. I too was trying to think about how much my MM would lose and how I would cope with being somewhat responsible for it. Now that I have said these things to him, I am an emotional wreck. I am thinking that maybe I should do the week of NC like you are doing...I just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry to ramble about my situation...it just seems like we are experiencing the same thing.

 

Yeah, its a very difficult sitch, look at the quote Je Ne Regrette Rien, has put in Brain over-rided heart. I think that applies to me and you. I hope your feeling a bit better, I am a bit this evening, I was a bit of a wreck last night and this morning. One of the bits of our last convo he said to me cant you tell me any positive reasons for us to stay together, and I was a bit flummoxed because I could not find the right words but this morning I thought of them, see what you think about them. "It comes down to having 1 special person who you can share things with, hopes, dreams wishes, desires, comfort, sympathy, empathy, love, love, laughter, passion, intimacy, problems, anger, frustration, stress, pain, crying, all the important things and at the moment that is what we are to each other". I sent him an email with this on today as I said I would.

 

Did you actually end up ending the A then or just talk about ending it? Either way sometimes a week of NC is good to give yourself some breathing space. But I know it is very hard when your used to having day to day contact of some sort.

 

Dont worry about rambling, look at the length of my post, lol, I'm sure most people gave up reading it.

I always ask the (almost) MM im with if he feels guilty and i always think im sabotoging it. Now i see, i probably feel just as guilty. go for the NC for awhile, see how it works

 

I not too sure if I feel guilty, but I certainly feel partially responsible for what is happening, I dont feel proud of myself, If that means I feel guilty then yes I suppose I do. Trying the NC thing for a week, for his benefit though, but got a feeling it will only go on until Wednesday night.

 

I've had a quick look back thru your threads and seen your due to see your nMM (n=nearly) today and tell him you love him. You think he is going to break up with you when you tell him this, well good luck which ever way it goes.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I love that quote, "your brain over-rided you heart", I wish it would do it more often. I suppose your right it is a kind of evaluation of what is happening. Your right though I am trying to give him space to try and think things thru, if we end up apart then ok, I will try and get on with my life without him. I like your name Je Ne Regrette Rien, because thats how I feel, even though this R has been painful at times, as much as it has also been great, I never regret the day I met him and got involved.

 

How are things going in your sitch at the moment?

 

 

I used to really wish that my brain over-rode my heart a lot of the time too! I was so worried about my MM and his children and basically the massive consequences that leaving his M could have for him, for his children, for me, for his wife, family. I often wondered if I was selfish but I encouraged MM to take so much space to think - so much so he started to think I wasn't as serious about our R as he had thought!

 

I've calmed down a bit now - I realised I didn't ever want to regret my situation and I wanted to work towards making our R work - i know this sounds weird, but I needed to be really sure that this was both what he wanted and what I wanted before he "gave up" so much. Many people say that if someone leaves their M it has to be for them. But in all honesty, my MM told me that had he not met me, he would have carried on with his marriage. It was our R that made him realise the type of person he wanted to be with.

 

It's so tough that children are involved NT, and I think giving MM the space that he needs is a great way of showing your love and dedication not only to him, but the big decisions and choices he's making. MM don't get respect on here a lot of the time (with good reason too), but I respected the situation my MM was in and supported him through his separation.

 

My MM is now officially separated, we're dating and although it's early days (separated for 4 months) I still give him the space he needs and the support - he rarely wants space these days, but I think he values the fact that it's there if he needs it.

 

If he ever wanted to return home he knows I would support that. I could never be vengeful of that choice. He's now getting into a routine of seeing the children at regular times during the week and we're dating. And honestly? I haven't got a doubt about him, he's what I want and I'm glad I waited, i really am. Now, in no means do I mean to say that everyone should wait for a MM! Sometimes the signs just say "GET OUT!". I took time out to be 100% sure about my feelings before any development in our relationship. And, I don't want to paint a picture of bliss (me cooking dinner Doris-Day style with a gingham apron on whilst he puts his slippers on does not happen! ). We're taking one day at a time.

 

Your post reminds me of my R with my MM before he separated. I think you sound like you're doing all you can to support him. You certainly sound like you're treating him fairly and you're also voicing your thoughts too - don't feel too bad about this - it's your right

[norajane]

One of the bits of our last convo he said to me cant you tell me any positive reasons for us to stay together, and I was a bit flummoxed because I could not find the right words but this morning I thought of them, see what you think about them. "It comes down to having 1 special person who you can share things with, hopes, dreams wishes, desires, comfort, sympathy, empathy, love, love, laughter, passion, intimacy, problems, anger, frustration, stress, pain, crying, all the important things and at the moment that is what we are to each other". I sent him an email with this on today as I said I would.

 

Well, that's what he is to you. Can he tell YOU any positive reasons to stay together?

 

He already found and married that 1 special person to share things with, hopes, dreams, love, laughter, children. Has that 1 person turned into 2 people, his wife and you? Or are you now his 1 person, and his wife who used to be the 1 special person is what? -1?

 

I'm not trying to make light of your relationship or to bring you down. But you are doing exactly what every other OW out there does - you are putting him first, and yourself last. You are sooooo concerned about his children. I say you really need to be much more concerned about yourself. You're the only one who can make the decisions that are in your best interests - not his best interests, not his children's, YOURS.

 

Stop worrying about him. Worry about yourself and what you're getting out of life.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Well, that's what he is to you. Can he tell YOU any positive reasons to stay together?

 

He already found and married that 1 special person to share things with, hopes, dreams, love, laughter, children. Has that 1 person turned into 2 people, his wife and you? Or are you now his 1 person, and his wife who used to be the 1 special person is what? -1?

 

I'm not trying to make light of your relationship or to bring you down. But you are doing exactly what every other OW out there does - you are putting him first, and yourself last. You are sooooo concerned about his children. I say you really need to be much more concerned about yourself. You're the only one who can make the decisions that are in your best interests - not his best interests, not his children's, YOURS.

 

Stop worrying about him. Worry about yourself and what you're getting out of life.

 

I think that's a fair evaluation of many situations NJ. But to say it's what every other OW does is a generalisation. If you're embarking on a R with a MM who is leaving his M you really have to take into consideration aspects of his life including his children - they're always going to be there in your life in the future, and I think it is putting yourself first by being absolutely 100% sure that you're willing to accept him with all of the added-problems he may bring to your R.

 

My MM did marry his wife because he loved her. He was 18 and she when she got pregnant it was expected that he would marry her. When I was 18 I was with my first love who I thought was "the one". Luckily, I didn't marry him as our relationship faltered a few years later. MM is now in his 30's. I know how much I changed in my 20's and sometimes it's not possible to change alongside the person you're with.

 

I think NT is being true to the situation and therefore she is being true to herself and true to her MM. The truth of the situation is that he has children and both NT and the MM are feeling the consequences of that.

 

It's hard to judge, but I really think every situation has it's own individuality and nuances and that needs to be taken into account.

[norajane]

Well, I didn't read anywhere in her post that she entered into an affair with a man who is leaving his wife. I read that she was concerned what would happen if his wife found out about their affair and got mad enough to use the kids as pawns in a divorce. She said the options are for him to stay in the affair and take the risks, or to end the affair. She did not mention the option of him leaving his wife.

 

So, in the end, nuances or not, we're still talking about an OW who is expressing more concern for him and his kids than for her own well-being.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Well, I didn't read anywhere in her post that she entered into an affair with a man who is leaving his wife. I read that she was concerned what would happen if his wife found out about their affair and got mad enough to use the kids as pawns in a divorce. She said the options are for him to stay in the affair and take the risks, or to end the affair. She did not mention the option of him leaving his wife.

 

So, in the end, nuances or not, we're still talking about an OW who is expressing more concern for him and his kids than for her own well-being.

 

Sorry NJ, I was talking more about my personal experience about entering an affair with a MM. You're right, NT didn't say whether she wanted her MM to leave his M or not. I was assuming (and as they say, you should never assume lol).

 

NT, is there a desire from you or from MM to leave his M?

[Arabess]

Years ago, and it's been years since I posted on LoveShack, I too was just at the end of an Other Woman relationship. I was in so much pain....a great big flu would've been a physical relief. I really did think my heart was gonna burst in a million pieces and my mind would go nutsy. And perhaps all of that happened in some wierd way.........cause I felt like crap.

 

Thru the years, what I've come to notice in these types of relationships, is that many times he's not an ass and the other woman isn't the tramp. It's just two people who found themselves in love at the wrong time and the wrong place. Does it change the end result? No, it does not.

 

You can care, you can lay your life out like a doormat, you can do all the right things so obviously he will see he is the whole reason for your existance....but in the end....you still won't be the one he spends Christmas with. You won't be in the one listed in the obituary as belonging to him. You won't be anything.

 

And it was in this thought...that I got enough strength to walk away from a relationship that had no future.

 

It ended up that all this wasn't about his wife finding out or his kids being hurt....it was about ME! Everyday I spent with him robbed me of another day of finding someone who could give me their last name and their love without shame.

 

So, I'm not ever gonna pass judgement since I totally understand these types of relationships. All I can do is wish you the best of luck and hope someday you'll have the strength to make this LESS about him and MORE about you. Because you need and deserve someone who belongs just to you.

[NearlyThere]

Well, that's what he is to you. Can he tell YOU any positive reasons to stay together?

 

He already found and married that 1 special person to share things with, hopes, dreams, love, laughter, children. Has that 1 person turned into 2 people, his wife and you? Or are you now his 1 person, and his wife who used to be the 1 special person is what? -1?

 

Well I have actually asked him why he wants to carry on before when we have had a re-assesment and he has replied with those things I have quoted.

 

I dont know why his W is no longer this person in his life any more, but it was because these things were missing in his R with his W and mine with my exSO that drew us together.

 

I'm not trying to make light of your relationship or to bring you down. But you are doing exactly what every other OW out there does - you are putting him first, and yourself last. You are sooooo concerned about his children. I say you really need to be much more concerned about yourself. You're the only one who can make the decisions that are in your best interests - not his best interests, not his children's,

 

Its ok, I can tell by the tone of your reply your not trying to put me down and your right I do always put him and his situation first, however I do tend to be like that with my friends etc, not that I'm a walkover, well not too much, lol, I just well always put myself in their shoes.

 

I have said to MM that I let him walkover me, he got really annoyed and upset he couldnt see it.

 

I have spat my dummy out a couple of times as well and told him i'm fed up of being last on his list so to speak, because I know I am, he could actually see what I meant by that.

 

Stop worrying about him. Worry about yourself and what you're getting out of life.

 

I know its seems an odd way round to do it but its because of how I'm feeling that I believe is why I bought it too a head, I do worry about myself because I think slowly but surely I'm losing myself. I can't seem to walk away myself, its very difficult when you have someone telling you they love you, blah, blah, blah.

 

Well, I didn't read anywhere in her post that she entered into an affair with a man who is leaving his wife. I read that she was concerned what would happen if his wife found out about their affair and got mad enough to use the kids as pawns in a divorce. She said the options are for him to stay in the affair and take the risks, or to end the affair. She did not mention the option of him leaving his wife.

 

So, in the end, nuances or not, we're still talking about an OW who is expressing more concern for him and his kids than for her own well-being.

 

Yep, this is exactly as it is.

 

 

Sorry NJ, I was talking more about my personal experience about entering an affair with a MM. You're right, NT didn't say whether she wanted her MM to leave his M or not. I was assuming (and as they say, you should never assume lol).

 

NT, is there a desire from you or from MM to leave his M?

 

Nope, he says he wont leave of his own accord because of what she says will happen. This is another reason why it has been in my head because I cant waste much more of my life on someone who cant give me 100% of him. I suppose in some ways I should be glad, at least he is not lying and saying, oh well, maybe at the end of the year, etc. Would I like him to leave his M, well not for me only, I want him to leave for his own benefit. Like I did with my SO, however, I dont have kids so mine was slightly easier, but still very painful.

 

Sorry if any of this comes accross a bit odd, I have to rush, gonna be late for work now, lol. Another LS addict.

[frannie]

Well, that's what he is to you. Can he tell YOU any positive reasons to stay together?

 

He already found and married that 1 special person to share things with, hopes, dreams, love, laughter, children. Has that 1 person turned into 2 people, his wife and you? Or are you now his 1 person, and his wife who used to be the 1 special person is what? -1?

 

I'm not trying to make light of your relationship or to bring you down. But you are doing exactly what every other OW out there does - you are putting him first, and yourself last. You are sooooo concerned about his children. I say you really need to be much more concerned about yourself. You're the only one who can make the decisions that are in your best interests - not his best interests, not his children's, YOURS.

 

Stop worrying about him. Worry about yourself and what you're getting out of life.

 

This wasn't directed towards me, but I'm going to answer this anyway because it's relevant to what just happened in my life.

 

My MM has said, again, and not in the least unexpectedly, that he 'can't leave them'. So I have to decide what is best for me, and my life, etc.

 

Basically, do I want to keep seeing/keep in touch with/whatever this man who I love to bits, who loves me, who I have the best times ever with, the first person I want to tell any piece of news too... and all that stuff that I won't bore anyone with, and when he feels exactly the same way about me... and, well yes, of course I do.

 

Will it wear away at my self-esteem..? Does even having been involved with him mean I'm lacking in any regard for myself..? I can't answer any of those questions. All I know is that it would seem something like madness in many ways to say no, I no longer want to see you. Why throw something like that away... something that many people never experience..?

 

Being an OW is really hard. But the hardest part for me has been reading about how he doesn't really love me, how I'm accepting second-best, how I deserve a man who will 'give me his name' etc. etc. I don't know. She has his name, wears his ring, has his children, and all that. But what does she really have..? And what do I have..? I WOULD like 'it all'... but I have to look at the practicalities here.

 

Part of me feels a HUGE weight lifted today. I knew he wasn't going home this weekend to tell her that he wanted out for the right reasons. Half of them at least were because I was unhappy. And that would never work. I can't promise him that I'll always be there, that we would be fine together. And he's not so unhappy with the present situation that leaving his children is even near to being 'the right thing'. The only way it's the right thing, at the end of the day, comes down to morals. Morally, it's not right to have an affair. But pragmatically..? Is it 'right' that a man leaves his family and sees his children every other weekend just so that everyone's washing is clean and there are no skeletons..? I can't answer that, but it's not a pretty picture. I don't want him to have to live like that.

 

And you may say, 'aha! There you go thinking of him!'... but, that is love. If I didn't love him I wouldn't be in this situation! And when it comes down to it yes, I am sooooooooo concerned about his children, and about him. I've never met them, and I may never do. But if I do, I don't want to be thinking how much hell they've had to go through just so I could play happy families with their Dad. And I don't know whether it wouldn't all end up in a pile of bitterness and regret because we took a chance on 'our love' like it was the only thing in the world that mattered.

 

It isn't.

 

There are other considerations. And that's why today (who knows about tomorrow...) I feel an immense sense of relief. I don't have to face a boyfriend going through separation and divorce. I don't have to worry about his children and how they'd take it, or him and how he'll become all worn down with the worry and the financial problems for US and them. They'll be happy in their own home with their Dad there Christmas morning to open presents with them. None of that ever sat right with me. So what I'll be 'alone'..? I can handle that I do have a life outside of the affair, goals that don't involve him, and I value my own freedom.

 

I can't have him like his wife did... all fresh and new and full of optimism about life, unencumbered by exes and stepchildren and bad debts. It was never going to be that way. Well, she (and he) made a hash of that, didn't they..? That was never on offer for me with him. But it is him I love, and I'll take what's possible with him, whatever that is. Nothing we do would make everything 'right'. The moralists can say what they like. Have an affair and keep the family intact..? Leave your family and begin again..? We all make our own choices in this life, and I will continue to make mine.

[NearlyThere]

 

Years ago, and it's been years since I posted on LoveShack, I too was just at the end of an Other Woman relationship. I was in so much pain....a great big flu would've been a physical relief. I really did think my heart was gonna burst in a million pieces and my mind would go nutsy. And perhaps all of that happened in some wierd way.........cause I felt like crap.

 

Yep

 

Thru the years, what I've come to notice in these types of relationships, is that many times he's not an ass and the other woman isn't the tramp. It's just two people who found themselves in love at the wrong time and the wrong place. Does it change the end result? No, it does not.

 

Yep, I said this in an email to him, saying "the song goes, Love is all you need, well what a crock, sometimes its just not enough".

 

You can care, you can lay your life out like a doormat, you can do all the right things so obviously he will see he is the whole reason for your existance....but in the end....you still won't be the one he spends Christmas with. You won't be in the one listed in the obituary as belonging to him. You won't be anything.

 

Yep. I felt that this year and on New Years Eve, both sending texts wishing we was with each other. But who was he with, not me.

 

And it was in this thought...that I got enough strength to walk away from a relationship that had no future.

 

Thats how it is, I keep hoping I wil realise this to the extent to make me give him up. Why is it so difficult, what am I clinging on for, I think some sort of miracle, that I really know, just aint gonna happen.

 

 

 

It ended up that all this wasn't about his wife finding out or his kids being hurt....it was about ME! Everyday I spent with him robbed me of another day of finding someone who could give me their last name and their love without shame.

 

So, I'm not ever gonna pass judgement since I totally understand these types of relationships. All I can do is wish you the best of luck and hope someday you'll have the strength to make this LESS about him and MORE about you. Because you need and deserve someone who belongs just to you.

 

 

 

Thanks for your words, they all are very true, made me cry as well, lol. Have you gone on and found someone else?

[puddleofmud]

Bless you, sweet pea! Just try to remember that where ever there is life--miracles are possible and do happen.

You have so much LIFE ( to live and to offer), no matter what you decide; AND so many miracles to witness within that long and lovely life.

From my heart's ocean to yours...always