underpants Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Maybe, I am just met to be alone. It's hard to hope that I can connect with someone let alone develop a deep relationship with someone that could evolve into a committed partnership. I am in my mid thirties and every relationship I have had, well, ends. A couple of them left me to ultimely marry someone else. Okay. A couple of them were not really invested in a relationship with me and left to persue other people. It is hard. I don't go from relationship to relationship. I date maybe one guy a year, maybe. I also take a long period between loves to really process what happened and hope to be a better person in my next encounter. This is where I am at now....not a fun place. I am independent, gosh knows, I have to be. It does get harder to love like I have never been hurt, because that is simply not the case. I don't want to drag baggage into prospective relationships, but I know full well at this stage of life we all have a little... and empathy and acceptance has to be considered. I am told I am beautiful and funny, smart and very creative. I know I am faithful and kind, just seems my kindness and acceptance is ultimately my downfall as..."I am such a cool awesome girl, I knew you would be okay". I guess it is okay. It was my choice to love, and getting hurt or rejected was part of that risk. I try to be thankful for the ones that did treat me well, and remember the others as a sort of warning for what to avoid. It just stinks. Being alone when I know I am a great catch. It just seems to stay in a relationship I have to accept infidelity, or non commital, disrespectful rationals that ultimely prolong the end of a ...what is really a non relationship to begin with. No one wants a relationship where they don't feel respected and an equal, and yes communication is the key, but alot of people really fear deep communication. Sadly, by the time you are with someone long enough to really accept them, flaws and attributes, to trust them with fears and have those ...uncomfortable discussions....that could deepen a bond ...one partner usually would rather not deal, closes off, does someting unforgivable and the relationship ends. Infuriating, this merry go round. I guess it is too much to ask in this day and age to partner with someone where mutual respect and communication is a given? Sad also, because I find that if I am not interested in someone, then of course they really want to be with me. On the flip side, I also notice that on the rare occasion where I do let someone into my life and my heart, and once I even begin to feel comfortable with 'breathing' and that it will be safe to care for them, bang....it's over. I guess the change of energy or the end of a chase of sorts, I don't know. I really can't hear anymore the statement that "There is someone out there that will love and appreciate everything that you are and are not". I just don't think there is. The sad fact is that I will most likely grow old alone, no family of my own, no wonderful man who loves me true. I see people look at me perplexed as to why I am still single. Some tap their watch at me. I can't even respond anymore. They don't know how much that hurts, and they are happy in marriages and just want the same for me. I guess I am just having a bad time right now and it just seems to get harder to hope for the love of a lifetime, when I see my life flying by. I do have great friends, I have god children. Maybe that is as close as I can come. I just think I deserve more, but maybe I am just the control variable in this mad experiment of love. I guess we all have our down days, just gets a little tougher to pick yourself up sometimes. Sorry to be a downer, I just had to rant a little. Urgh....stupid love.
norajane Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I understand what you're going through. I've had similar experiences in my life. I wish I had some words to comfort you, but all I can offer is that you are not alone. There are many of us who feel exactly as you do.
shockandawed Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Underpants, Nice post. I have been divorced after an 18 year marriage due to infidelity and was recently abruptly dumped by a 3 year fiance, because she met someone else. Yet, i still believe that there are plenty of women out there that do value the morals and stability I bring to the table. And are honest, trustworthy, etc... Don't lose the faith, and definitely don't compromise your standards. The perfect match will come along. Just make sure you are capable of seeing it.
notmakingsense Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Its usually at the point that you become fulfilled and happy without a partner, that the right partner shows up. Stop thinking that your happiness is dependant upon someone else being in your life -- because it just isn't true. When you are happy with what you have, you will also start to have a new perspective on who the right person is, and what attracts you. And it is this that I think is the key to what ails you -- you are probably not attracted to the men who will ultimately end up being the best for you. And, like was said earlier -- you arent alone. Most of us are/have-been in the same spot that you feel you are in now.
Author underpants Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Thanks, I just took a walk out in the sunshine. I know life goes on and I have much to be thankful for. I am trying not to lose the faith. I am open to the possibility of love. I see it all the time, in friends and family. I know it is there and that it takes work by both parties to keep it going, very worthwhile work if I look at happy couples. Maybe someone will come along, maybe not, and yes, I hope I am capable of seeing it just as I would hope they would be capable of recognizing the value of me. I guess some days are just harder then others. This site is amazing. I am thankful to alot of you for sharing your stories and the strength and integrity in your advice to others. I am so glad I stumbled in here. I wish us all great loves and fulfilling partnerships in this new year.
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