Unbeleivable Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 So, I guess I just found this place, so this is my first time posting. I guess I needed an outlet to vent, because due to the nature of this situation, I cannot talk to anyone about it that I know. Read more and you'll know why. This is a long story... So let me preface this with, I'm a 22 year old male. My girlfriend and I have been togethe for 7.5 years. Yes, its a long time, but neither of us ever minded, we both had always agreed with the term "time flies when you're having fun." We did just about everything together. We've gone on numerous vacations, I've helped her family through things, and she's been helping my family out immensily through a very difficult time as of recent. This all started, to me, around September. I am a senior in college, finishing up my final year. September came, and things just seemed out of line. We weren't talking as often, when we talked, it was short. Those hour+ long conversations at night were a thing of the past. She hardly ever called me back when she said she would always because she "was so tired and fell asleep." The idea of someone else crept into my head, but I never thought she would do that to me (again). I honestly thought she was a different person now that when we first got together before high school. Obviously back then we were both very young and immature. She wouldn't ever come up to see me at school anymore, despite it being only a couple hour drive. Normally she's dieing to see the new place that I'm living at, but couldn't care less now. Also, sex life was failing miserably. We barely did it as much as we used to, and if we did, it was usually me initiating it. Fast forward to the beginning of December. After a week of not talking once (I wanted to see if she would call, but she didn't, which hurt...) I decided we needed to talk. We ultimately came to the decision of splitting up for a little bit, and reassessing ourselves in a month or two. She reassured me that there was nobody else, and that she wasn't doing it to see other people, she just wanted some "alone" time. I obliged. She's currently living in my house, taking care of it while everyone is away for 6 months, so when I come home for December break, we are living together, but sleeping in seperate rooms. We spend the holidays together, as planned, since none of my own family is around, and also go to Europe together, as previously planned, to visit some family of mine. This is where it all takes a horrible downward turn. She left her AIM open, and with that, you can directly connect to your email w/out entering a password. Now, I'm the most non-jealous, non-controlling, easy-going person you'll ever meet. Whatever she wanted to do, she could have. If she wantd to go out w/ the girls my response would be thats fine, need money? So this is very uncharacteristic of me, but I did it anyway because I've had this feeling something is going on for 6+ months. Her behavior had completely changed as well, but all those details would make an excessively long post even longer. Anyway, so I see her email from her friend who, up to this point, was a college friend (female) who moved away, but they still talked on the phone often and had gone down to visit a couple times prior (lives on the other side of the country now). The language in the emails was way too reminiscent of lovers. I confronted her about it and got some sob-story about being confused but nothing has ever happened. I felt bad, seeing as that must be a strange position to be in, and not being able to talk about it w/ anyone can only make it harder. She wants to go down and see her, so I book the flights on my credit card (this was actually pre-emails so I didn't know any of this at the time of booking.) Fast forward to the night before she leaves. I still have a feeling that somethings up and the story just doesn't match up w/ the strong language between the two. I do another, highly uncharacteristic thing, and look at the logs of her instant message conversations between them two. Turns out, she's been having a gay relationship with this person for going on 8+ months (the logs only go back 8 months, don't know how long before that it started). The things my girlfriend said to her really, and I mean, really, hurt me. Things she never even said to me, like how badly she wanted to be with her, and what they wanted to do with eachother. I come to find that they met on the internet, and exchanged pictures (possibly x-rated) often throughout the course of these months. They talked on the phone. They began officially "dating" in August, before they even met each other in person. She's been going on myspace and all these other internet forums and exchanging pictures w/ her OW. They have been hooking up while my gf visited her down there, and I come to find that they had sex in my home while I was away and her OW was up visiting. That hurt me pretty bad. Also, I come to find that she had also hooked up with other people (female) even before this, because the two of them had talked about it. I also saw talks of moving in together, how rent would be split, etc, and even marriage!! Now, she's on the other side of the country, visiting this person. I drove her to the airport to go, paid for the tickets (before i knew the story), and I am picking her up tomorrow. Remember, this all was reveiled to me the night before she left. I've been home, alone, no friends as they are all back at school, for the past week and a half while she is down there. I've been an absolute wreck. I've cried at least once a day I think. I just can't beleive that someone who I thought I knew for 7.5 years has been leading this double life. She told her OW that I meant nothing anymore and that she was the only person she wanted to see. That hurt me so bad, because I think back to the couple vacations we took in the time that this was going on, and it hurts to think that I wasn't the one she wanted there with her. It hurts to know that the times that I drove home from school to spend the weekend with her, and how badly I wanted to just get home to see her, and she didn't want to see me. How while we were having sex, the person she imagined with her probably wasn't me. And now, as I sit at home, she's down there with her, having a grand ol' time, hitting the beach, hanging out, and hooking up, while I'm up here, crying my eyes out not being able to comprehend the complete double-life she's been leading. Our lives were so intertwined after being together for so long. I mean, I would walk down the street, and see other couples, and try to put myself in the other guys' shoes, just to picture myself with another girl, and I just couldn't. I honestly thought that we were going to get married in a couple years. I loved her, I loved her family, her family loved me, and my family loved her. I've been burned so bad by this, that I don't even know what to do, I guess thats why I'm posting here. I can't talk to anyone about this, becuase its such an immense secret of hers (gay relationship) that as much as I am angry with her, I wouldn't divulge that information to someone else, for fear of it coming out on her before she's ready. She won't talk about it, she denies its a "relationship" but admits to hooking up. I don't know if she's full on gay, bisexual, or what, but I guess its not my place to figure it out. I am not mad that she has turned gay/bi, I'm just very hurt that I've been lied to for almost a year, and that when she was lonely, I wasn't the person she wanted to be with, and when we were away, I wasn't the person she wanted to be with, and when she wanted to talk to someone, i wasnt the person she called, and when she said "I love you." she clearly didn't mean it, as rare as she would say it I guess... I don't really know where to go from here. I still love her, and love her very much, but at the same time, I hate her for doing this to me. I've been crying about it and when we talk, she hasn't shed a single tear over this whole thing, she barely shows remorse. She says she's sorry and that it "just happened." I don't even feel like I can trust someone else going forward. I can't even see myself dating someone else, and I really don't even want to think about girls right now. I feel like I should go complete no contact with her, as even after I found out that there might be something between the two of them, seeing her on the phone or computer and thinking or knowing she was talking to her hurt me. Now that I know the full story, I don't know how I could cope with it. Remember, she's living in my house for the next 3 months or so. Although I leave to finish my last semester of school the day I pick her up, and the only time I'll have to actually be home w/ her again may be spring break. By the time I graduate and come home, she'll be gone. Also, we have a family party for her family that we were supposed to go to in February. I really wanted to go, but now I don't know if I should. So do I just completely forget that she exists going forward? I mean, I never thought that she would do something like this to me. We were together almost 8 years. I feel like it was my fault to push her away. She said that she liked the OW because she would compliment her on how attractive she was and it made her feel good. I feel like maybe I should have done that more, but at the same time, how could I have known she needed that because every time I tried to talk to her in our entire relationship it was always "Nothings wrong" or "I'm not <insert whatever here>". I dont know...I dont even know if this story makes sense. I have sat at home for the past 10 days just brewing with this in my head, unable to talk to anyone about it for fear of letting out her secret. As far as anyone is concerned, we simply grew apart, and thats what I've told people. i don't have any idea how I should treat her going forward. I go to the grocery store and think "well, she could use X when she gets back, maybe I'll pick it up" but then i realise, she's away with this person that she's been cheating on me with, had sex in my own house, lied unbeleivable amounts of times, and that I paid for her to go down there, I took her to the airport and am picking her up, everything. I'm totally lost...
notmakingsense Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I know you love her, but I think you need to break it off with her. She's going to be a very confused person for quite a long time, and you don't want to be a part of the emotional roller-coaster that ensues. She may be gay, she may be bi, she may be just exploring. It doesn't matter. What matters is that she cheated on you and is abusing your love and generosity. It is time for you to get angry, separate from her, focus on yourself for a while and get the mental time/space to think about what YOU want now. Don't continue to hang around and be her backup while she figures out what to do. On the surface, she may appreciate your love and generosity, but deep-down, you probably are leaving the impression with her that you are a weak man. Another benefit of splitting with her will be that your own self-esteem will grow back again, as will her impression of you.
Author Unbeleivable Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Well I definately don't plan on being a back-up. In fact, I told her that I'll drive her and pick her up from the airport because I'm a nice guy and promised to do that, but after I drop her off, I want nothing to ever do with her again. She is also reimbursing me for the airplane tickets. I guess its just hard because I found out all this within, about, a week. So from going 7.5 years of being together, to learning all of this in a week, and then thinking that I'm going to have nothing to do with her going forward ever again, is just, I don't know, weird I guess. I told her I couldn't ever see myself with her again, that I could never trust her again, and that its pretty much ruined our relationship, both romantic and our basic friendship. The only reason that I am agreeing to still play taxi for the airport is so that, maybe a week, a month, or a year from now, I hope she'll look back and see that despite how poorly she treated me, I still wasn't ever a jerk to her.
notmakingsense Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Well I definately don't plan on being a back-up. In fact, I told her that I'll drive her and pick her up from the airport because I'm a nice guy and promised to do that, but after I drop her off, I want nothing to ever do with her again. She is also reimbursing me for the airplane tickets. I guess its just hard because I found out all this within, about, a week. So from going 7.5 years of being together, to learning all of this in a week, and then thinking that I'm going to have nothing to do with her going forward ever again, is just, I don't know, weird I guess. I told her I couldn't ever see myself with her again, that I could never trust her again, and that its pretty much ruined our relationship, both romantic and our basic friendship. The only reason that I am agreeing to still play taxi for the airport is so that, maybe a week, a month, or a year from now, I hope she'll look back and see that despite how poorly she treated me, I still wasn't ever a jerk to her. You don't need to play taxi -- just hire a taxi to pick her up so you don't have to deal with her -- starting right now.
norajane Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Getting her out of your life and out of your system should be your first priority. She betrayed you and your trust; whatever her issues are, you need only concern yourself with how she has treated you. You deserved a lot better from her than what she did. She betrayed your friendship, as well as your love. I agree - hire a car to pick her up, and just get on with your life without her. It will be easier for you to get over this if you 1) have absolutely no contact with her anymore, and 2) get some support from your friends at school. You don't have to spill her sexual orientation secrets if you don't want to, but you really don't ower her anything. It's easy enough to say she cheated with someone she met online without having to go into the gender of her affair partern. Start talking to your friends so they know you need some support while your so freshly heartbroken. You have your whole future ahead of you. You may not be interested in dating anyone now, but trust me, you will be ready to date again one day.
Kamille Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 The only reason that I am agreeing to still play taxi for the airport is so that, maybe a week, a month, or a year from now, I hope she'll look back and see that despite how poorly she treated me, I still wasn't ever a jerk to her. Priority number one right not is to not be a jerk to yourself. Pay for a taxi please. It won't make you a jerk and if she thinks it makes you a jerk that makes her incredibly self-centred. And from now on you need not care what it is she thinks of you. this must be so hard to go through as you two basically grew up together. I can't even imagine. I think you should find someone to talk to. Consider going to therapy. And besides, you need to think of what is best for you right now, even if that means 'spilling her secret'. Besides, the issue is not her sexual orientation. The issue is that she cheated and she lied to you.
Recommended Posts