Lauriebell82 Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 hi guys..this is just kind of a question, not really an immediate problem. does anyone's SO try to change them or tell them what they need to work on? my boyfriend sometimes tells me i need to stop being dramatic, stop being so emotional, work on trying not to say thing without thinking, ect. its like he's tryin to change my personality. not saying he has to love EVERYTHING about my personality, some stuff bothers me about his but i never tell him that he has to work on it or change it. i tried to talk to him about it last night and he was like "i'm not trying to change u, i just wish u would think before u say things sometimes." i guess my question is, has this happened to anyone? what can i do about it? i love my boyfriend and i knwo he loves me, but sometimes i think he wants me to be exactly what he wants a gf to be, and unfortunately i'm not. i dont know what to do.
laRubiaBonita Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 it has happened to me as well. one ex, we were great for a year, then he became my keeper of sorts. we did what he wanted, watched his television shows, etc...i could not do things right because i did not do them the way he did, such as chopping vegitables, i cut them to big! another ex, who swore his deep love too, he was nit-picky as well. i drove bad, we had to listen to what he wanted to, i talked too much, pick-pick-pick.. eventually i got sick of it. the first guy, there were other factors too, but it is hard to be happy when the one you love tells you you do things wrong, or dictates what you are allowed to do. One #2 guy started in, i had already learned not to take it from the first guy...... me and guy #2 only dated 6 months. if you can stand your bf doing this forever, then great.... otherwise the longer you allow him to tell you what you should do, he will feel that he is entitled to. i imagine it will only get worse too.
Walk Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Yeah.. to a degree. My bf sometimes tells me that I need to take a look at the bigger picture. Not get so hung up on the little stuff. Sometimes he tells me I need to be less nice and a little more of a hard ass. Sometimes he tells me I'm a messy person and it annoys him at times... If you're bf's telling you stuff that you know is wrong, or isn't a problem in any aspect of your life except for him... then he's probably trying to change you for the wrong reasons. He wants someone different, not to encourage you to be a better person and to help you in your entire life. But to help when you're with him, and only in relating to him. If he's telling you to think about things before you say them... is it true? Do you think through the impact and the possibilities before you say what's on your mind? Do you try to come up with the best possible way to approach a topic, or just blurt it out and let the pieces fall where they may? It mght help your life to at least consider the possibillity that you might need to work on some areas of yourself. To set aside your ego in order to see how your actions and behaviors affect your life and your relationships. Then, if after unbiased insight, you still feel he's not right in his critism, let him know you don't plan on changing. If you do feel he is.. then don't be afraid to acknowledge that you can better yourself. But I won't toss aside a critism that might have validity in it, even if its from an ex, or someone who hates me. I weight it out with unbiased introspection, decide if it fits or not, and then make my own personal decision on whether to use it for growth, or toss it out with the rest of the garbage. He can't change you unless you allow it... and since you hold all the power over that change, then take a moment to figure out if aspects need to change or not. If not.. then say so and stick to your guns.
IpAncA Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 hi guys..this is just kind of a question, not really an immediate problem. does anyone's SO try to change them or tell them what they need to work on? my boyfriend sometimes tells me i need to stop being dramatic, stop being so emotional, work on trying not to say thing without thinking, ect. its like he's tryin to change my personality. not saying he has to love EVERYTHING about my personality, some stuff bothers me about his but i never tell him that he has to work on it or change it. i tried to talk to him about it last night and he was like "i'm not trying to change u, i just wish u would think before u say things sometimes." i guess my question is, has this happened to anyone? what can i do about it? i love my boyfriend and i knwo he loves me, but sometimes i think he wants me to be exactly what he wants a gf to be, and unfortunately i'm not. i dont know what to do. I would tell him to stop. You are who you are.
Walk Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 i need to stop being dramatic, stop being so emotional, work on trying not to say thing without thinking, I agree that it's wrong to try to change a person.. but I think there's more to this than just him trying to change her for selfish reasons. Guy's talk different... I mean, take a look at the quote above. He's basically saying he's not following her logic ("stop being so emotional"), that she needs to find a better way to communicate her problems ("without thinking" part). If she's berrating him for haning out with his guy friends for 2 hours one night.. and then she apologizes for biting his head off... isn't it logical to assume he's going to believe she's just blurting out things without thinking. She's jumping between telling him she wants what's best for him, to "as long as your not having fun" while doing it. I think she gave him reason to say these things. He could've said it a lot better.. and more constructively, but he didn't. So instead of telling her to dump him... maybe we should take a look at the whole picture instead of this one little aspect she's pointed out. And I think she biased the post by saying "he's trying to change me". What's so wrong with suggesting to their partner that they think about things before they start yelling? That they take a deep breath and think through their words before they jump down their partners throat about hanging out with their friends for 2 hours to watch movies?
norajane Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Is he saying things to you that others have said to you? If your friends or family have said similar things - stop being so dramatic, think before speaking, etc. - then maybe you might want to consider if there are some aspects of your personality that aren't healthy. There's nothing wrong with listening to what people who know you are telling you about how you come across. Better that your bf and friends mention it, than an employer just before he fires you.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 yeah the thing about blurting things out..thats been a problem for me for awhile, mainly due to me being so impulsive. so i do need to work on that. i did jump down his throat last night so he did have the right to say that to me. but it goes kind of beyond that, he is overely critical of me sometimes and it bothers me, probably because my mom criticized me a lot when i was younger so it hurts me when he does it. i'm going to apologize again for acting like an idiot last night, i dont know if i'm going to talk to him about him trying to tell me what to change or not. its not horribly bad, sometimes he just is critical of me and maybe i take it more to heart because it reminds me of what my mom used to do to me. maybe thats what i should tell him instead. i messed up last night, which is why he probably started saying that stuff so i guess thats why. he has said stuff in the past though (being overly dramatic and too emotional). thats my personality unfortnately, and i can try not to make everything into a big deal because he hates drama. u guys are really good at advice, so should i tell him that it reminds me of what my mom did, or just let it go? i plan to apologize for my behavior last night and that i do need to work on not just blurting stuff out.
Walk Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 i messed up last night, which is why he probably started saying that stuff so i guess thats why. he has said stuff in the past though (being overly dramatic and too emotional). thats my personality unfortnately, and i can try not to make everything into a big deal because he hates drama. Everytime I've heard the "overly dramatic too emotional" stuff is usually when I'm not communicating well and the other person isn't understanding what I'm saying/asking for. Its not simply my fault, or their fault, but something is getting crossed in the communication line. It's easy to label something "emotional" when you don't understand why the person is reacting. Men are usually very logic driven. Emotions can be stated in ways that are logical. Like.. I am worried about our relationship because we've always spent the weekends together, and now we aren't. Then ask him if he'd be willing to call you more often, or be more expressive verbally about his feelings since he can't show you right now. And meet him half way by finding things to occupy yourself when he doesn't have time to call, or is too stressed out to be lovey dovey. Ask him to be clearer on when he's too busy or too stressed so you'll know when to give him more space. It's supposed to be kind of close to 50/50... and you'll have to take on half the responsibility for your own feelings and dealing with them. Don't make him completely responsible for making you feel secure. You can ask for help, and also help yourself. But ask for his help in ways that he can help you. Not just tell him you're unhappy, then offer no solutions or ideas. Anyway.. it kind of sounds like you're coming off as "overly emotional" because you're not being clear on what you need or want from him. Only that you need more and aren't getting it, and that's making you upset. He's feeling guilty and like he's not able to meet your needs. He gets upset, says harsh things. You get upset and say harsh things. Work on the communication and identifying your needs and wants, and ways that you two can comprimise on getting them met. Ways he can help. Ways you can help both yourself and him. I think that would help immensely.
norajane Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I can be overly emotional, too. It's part of my personality. Actually, the word my bf has used to describe me is "intense". He says that's one of the things he loves most about me, but sometimes he can't handle it. All of our traits have both good and bad sides to them. I'm sure your bf loves that you are emotional when you are all about loving and adoring him, or he thinks it's adorable when you cry at sad movies, or he thinks it's admirable when you get passionately involved with a hobby or interest. But then there are the times where your emotions get the better of you, and you can't give him the benefit of the doubt or you fly off the handle at him because you are so deep in the hurt emotions you're feeling. It may take you a lifetime to work on it, but you can get a handle on your emotions and stop yourself from acting on them before thinking it through. One way to do that is to channel your energies into something more productive. I highly recommend some kind of physical release, whether that be a kickboxing class, or belly dancing class, yoga, swimming, or anything where you can get some of your pent-up emotions out. Another way is to embrace the drama and channel it into acting classes, or writing stories, or poetry, or art, or music. Use your passion for good, not evil. The other benefit to channeling your energies elsewhere, is that you divide up all the drama and emotions inside you. Dividing up your energy means whatever your bf does or doesn't do, isn't going to affect you as deeply as it would if you had nothing else in your life to get emotional about. Divide and conquer! With your bf, when he does something that would normally upset you, take a deep breath and try to follow the rule of: if what I'm about to say isn't kind or loving, maybe I want to consider it and see if there's another point of view I can take. Maybe you end up saying it anyway, but that extra minute or two might help you stop blurting things out before you know if that's what you really want to do.
revolutionphilosophy Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 As a generalization -- I don't think it's acceptable for any one person to try and change another person. The only person any of us will be able to change is ourselves. That's not to say that we each and every one don't need a little work to improve ourselves as human beings. Love someone for who they are... not who you would want them to be. THAT said... sometimes the person sharing our life has a more intimate look than anyone else and can therefore see the root of certain problems in our life more easily than anyone else (especially ourselves). My current girl and I have instigated a few changes in one another that have made both our lives easier (not just in relation to one another... but in relation to everyone else). If she can't tell me, then really and truly... who can? On my end : I have a bad tendency to be a *VERY* financially irresponsible person -- I sometimes make (larger) purchases without considering how they'll affect my monthly budget; I tend to forget to balance my accounts and so on. So really -- I was making my own life more difficult through my own irresponsible actions... but no one prior to this girl has bothered to call me out on and 'curb' my tendency to be a spendthrift. I also have a tendency to forget bills, forget payments, etc. Obviously you can see where this is a problem. Point being : I fail miserably at living within my means. On her end : She has a tendency to think negatively of herself because of outside influences (friends/family/me) whether those influences were intended negatively or not. Yesterday is a prime example... we were hanging out at my house and she'd been playing a vid game all morning. I was just relaxing and reading... not really stressing 'us time' since we'd been together constantly since Friday but it was still nice just to be around one another. When I hadn't spoken in a while (i was running over some life questions in my own head) -- she started to assume I was mad because she was playing the game... and started to worry about it. So she ended up feeling guilty and telling me that she was being a bad girlfriend, etc. by playing this game instead of focusing on me... when I wasn't bothered at all b/c I was doing my own thing and wasn't stressing 'personal time.' Point being : she tends to assume negatively of herself when it isn't called for. That said, she's a LOT better than she was when we first got together. Obviously both of these things can and should be changed to improve both of our interactions with society. Neither will be changed over-night, but we've both been helping one another to affect these changes in our own lives. So... look at why he's doing it... will these changes help you in the long run or will they only help him?
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