Guest Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Ok so the title is slightly over dramatic, but I do feel like the situation I'm in is slowly driving me crazy, or at least, leading me to do irrational things that I never normally would have dreamed of. My boyfriend of 5 months told me he wanted to go on a break on the 30th December. He said he wanted complete NC and I did my best, but it was hard. Eventually after a week, I went to see him at work (he's a bus driver, so met him on his bus) and we chatted for a couple of hours. We got on really well, and as I was about to go home, he kissed me and asked if I wanted to go back to his place that night. I refused at first, thinking he'd want sex and I'd just feel used afterwards, but I did end up staying over that night. I asked him to come upstairs to bed (he was going to sleep on the sofa) and he agreed. He cuddled up behind me, said I smelt nice and that he missed cuddling me, and one thing led to another and we had sex. Afterwards I asked him what he thought it meant and he said "it's how it was before". I said it was just sex (trying to cover up my true feelings, which were that I loved him). I ended up staying at his house for 2 more nights. He slept on the sofa on night, and in the bed the next evening. Each day I was there we got on really well. He was calling me his cat's mum (as he used to), all the pet-names he used to have for me, I'd sit with my legs over his lap and we'd laugh and joke around, it was great. He even said he felt totally comfortable with me being there. After he took me home on thursday afternoon, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. I sent him quite a few text messages which didn't get a reply, so I was kind of upset. On the Sunday, I sent him a text message saying I wanted to finish things for good, couldn't do it anymore etc. His reply was "ok. Leave me be". I was upset by how cold he was seeming, so I decided to get a lift over there from my stepfather and collect my belongings (we'd been living together for 4 months before the break). I went straight over there and when I arrived, his friend was there too (for moral support or something). I get on well with his friend, and he persuaded me to send my stepfather home as he thought it was worth me trying to talk things through with my boyfriend. I did, and my boyfriend wasn't having any of it so Lee (the friend) suggested we go to the bar just down the road for a few drinks. and leave my boyfriend alone in the house. To cut a long story short Lee started flirting and coming on to me, putting his hand down my top (I was quite drunk by this point) and trying to kiss me. I did consider sleeping with him for a second, because I thought it might help me get over my boyfriend - but when we got back to Lee's house, I couldn't go through with it. We'd kissed, but that was it. I got into a panic and suddenly needed to be with my boyffriend, so I got dressed and ran back to my boyfriend's house, with Lee following me and asking me to come back with him. As soon as I got in the house I admitted to my boyfriend what had happened, and said I was so sorry. We argued, then somehow ended up both lying on the sofa, cuddling up and falling asleep. The next day I was being violently sick (I'm not usually like that after I've been drinking) and my boyfriend was so attentive; cuddling me and telling me to get a few hours' sleep, getting me drinks etc. We ended up having sex (I kind of initiated it), but not before he'd said he did still have feelings for me. Afterwards he cuddled back up to me, facing me and started to fall asleep. I suddenly felt really used and remembered that on monday, he'd sent some nasty texts to Lee about me so I felt like I couldn't have him near me, and got up to go upstairs. My boyfriend asked where I was going, to which I said "away from you". Just before my boyfriend took me home later that day, he said he wanted to see me again soon, and even said "I'll pick you up tomorrow if you want", so I thought maybe we were getting things back on track. The next day (Tuesday), I went to the cinema and decided to pop and see my boyfriend (he was working again) to give him a birthday card as it was his birthday on Saturday. I got on his bus saying I'd get off at the next stop and just wanted to give him a card. Gave it to him, and he said I could stay with him until he got back to Stafford (2 hours' journey!) if I wanted to talk. I stayed and he asked me all about what had happened on Sunday with Lee. I explained the bits I could remember, and he said he believed me. Then he asked me to stay with him until the end of his shift, saying he'd take me home afterwards in the car. I did, and ended up staying over at his house (although not before we'd argued again!). I fell asleep on the sofa - my boyfriend usually sleeps there, so I figured he'd wake me up when he wanted to go to bed. Instead, he lay down next to me and carried on watching tv (facing away from me). I asked if he wanted me to go upstairs and he said no, we could both sleep on the sofa. Eventually he cuddled up to me and we started to fall asleep. I felt that he wanted sex (if you know what I mean!) and said that I didn't want to have sex without feelings. He said that it wouldn't be without feelings, but that he'd resist and just cuddle up to me. We got on really well the next day; watching tv together, tickling each other and joking around, just like good friends or a couple would. I thought this meant he had feelings and we were heading in the right direction - whenever I'd said I knew he didn't have feelings for me or that we weren't ever going to get back together he told me not to say that, and that I didn't know what he was thinking - "I might have more feelings for you than you know". He took me home and the next day, I texted him to ask if he'd heard anything from Lee. He said he hadnt spoken to Lee in person, but he'd texted him and Lee had said what I had; that we hadn't had sex and just kissed. I asked if that meant we might be able to work things out, and my boyfriend replied that he didn't want to see me anymore and he'd drop my belongings over to me on Saturday. Whenever I've phoned him over the past few days he hasn't wanted to speak to me, and when I went to see him yesterday he didn't want to know, so I left. He's being so cold and I don't understand why. He came over this morning with my stuff; he had his sister in law (who hates me now, understandably - but I'm scared of her, because she's very outspoken and her fiance grabbed me around the throat) int he middle of our local bar, when he last saw me. because of what I'd done to my boyfriend. My boyfriend promised me last ight in a text message that we'd talk when he came over, but when they arrived and I asked if he'd talk, he said no. I went over to his car and his sister in law grabbed me and started pushing me away (I was trying to stand firm, but she's much heavier than me and I fell onto a concrete bollard). I also have 2 long scratch marks on my chest, which must have been caused by her, plus some marks on my arm where she dug into me, trying to get me away form the car. I got in the car and my boyfriend told her to let me talk for a minute. I started to ask why he was suddenly being so cold, yet he was still willing to be friends with Lee, but his sister in law kept butting in, answering for him and saying that he's known Lee longer than me, I'm a stranger to the family, scum, a slag and "it's over - deal with it!". My boyfriend mostly kept quiet, but did say I'd hurt him. I spoke to him on the phone earlier and he said I shouldn't be calling him, he did talk for a bit (well, listened to what I had to say) then said he had to go. I tried phoning again a little later on and he switched his phone off. I am going to try and leave him alone but it's so hard - it's his birthday today and I feel like I should be with him. I love him so much and it kills me that a few days ago, he seemed like he wanted to maybe give things another go, and then on thursday (a day after I'd been at his house and we were getting on really well) he suddenly changed! I wonder whether his family have been saying something, as they're the type of people that welcome you in, but as soon as you hurt anyone in the family, they cast you out. Which is understandable. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I need to talk things through with him, find out if he does still have any feelings and make him see that if his family are trying to influence him, that I'll try and win them round. I considered going over to see him later on, but I know that will make things worse. He'll see me as a stalker or something and will probably end up hating me even more. Should I just give up? Sorry for the looong post :-) Oh by the way I'm 23, he's 44 so it's not like he's some kid, but he is very indecisive usually, so this sudden assertive streak is confusing me. He stil sees him mother everyday as she lives opposite, and she's quite posessive of him.
Recommended Posts