letter-to-elise Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Hello everyone. I have been lurking on these forums for a little while and there are many tragic, sad and funny posts here. It's a wonderful place for us who suffer from heartache. My own story is so long and complex that I hardly know where to start, but I think it is time I write it all down - I desperately need some clarity! I met my (now) ex-boyfriend in September 2004 and I liked him immediately. He looked so kind and friendly, but at the same time very manly - he had this air around him. In April 2005, a good friend asked me to come for drinks with her and I accepted. When I saw that he was there also, I thought: "uh oh, I'm in trouble!". And I was. We made out that night and after a couple of weeks, he broke up with his girlfriend. He said that he knew it was crazy to leave a perfectly healthy relationship, but he could not stop thinking about "that crazy Danish girl" (and maybe the relationship wasn't that healthy considering that he cheated on her with me). It went wrong from the very beginning because I felt that even though I liked him, I was not in love with him. I called him to tell him that, but he had just broken up with his girlfriend and I felt that it was too late. And I did want to be with him. We were together for six months - and belive me those were intense months! We had wonderful sex, lots of fun, we were very close and strangers always thought we were deeply in love. And he was, but I wasn't. We began arguing a lot because he felt that he couldn't reach me and on many levels he couldn't. In the end we were fighting every day and I broke up with him. We didn't have contact for a long period of time (six months) and I was too busy with my life to miss him as a lover. I missed him as a person, though. And on his birthday I made the fatal mistake of writing him a birthday greeting. He replied with a letter about how much he loved and missed me and that he had changed and that he wanted to be with me. I was so touched and his love for me rekindled the love I felt for him. (To avoid confusion, I have to clarify: I did and do love him, but I have never been "in love" with him. I cannot bear the thought of him being sad or hurt or whatever, but I CAN bear the thought of not being with him all the time.) So we met for a coffee and before the evening was over, I was in his apartment. He had changed on some levels and we were together for another six months. Those were equally intense months. We had extreme ups and downs. I was a complete bitch around him because he simply could not be the man I wanted him to be. I nagged and ranted and gave him hell every time he slipped. But he never stopped loving me. He was like this brick wall I could ram my head agains - his love was a constant! He drank too much and one fatal morning after he had been drinking heavily, he slapped me. I know many of you think once a hitter - always a hitter, but I firmly believe that that is not the case for him. Believe me when I say that I am not the kind of person who would put up with a wife-beater. Never! He did not hit hard and it hardly hurt, but I got scared and ran away. A couple of weeks later we were back together, but not for long. In July 2006, I broke up with him again and left the country (sounds dramatic, but actually I moved back to Denmark where I come from - had only been in Germany for a couple of years). After a while we resumed contact! And we met up occasionally, whenever I came to Germany. We had great times together, but I could see that this loose relationship was tearing him apart. He wanted to be with me so desperately and I just could not commit to him, so on New Year's Eve after another huge fight, I broke off contact with him. We have no spoken since. Now... Why did I never fall in love with him? He is not at all like the man I imagined I would be with. In many ways he is a very simple man, who gets angry and happy easily. He has never been capable of understanding more complex emotions such as why I liked a person even though he/she was flawed and he has never been able to give me any guidance or to show me things from another perspective. I think, at the risk of sounding arrogant, that I am his intellectual superior on many levels. He was very unkind to other people and he, too, could be extremely arrogant. He was also incredibly jealous - if he could choose, I would not be allowed to leave the house because he feared that I would find another guy. I had a good friend at the time and he would not let me visit him at all - it even came to a point, where he asked me to choose. He hated it when I spent time with my sister. He always felt that I had the wrong priorities. He wanted to be together with me all the time - every day and every night - to the point where I was suffocated by it. Rereading my post I realize that I appear to be the bad guy and in so many ways I am. How can I explain that I felt and still feel so closely connected with him (a feeling that our fates are somehow intertwined), that in spite of everything that happened and in spite of his flaws, I still imagine living my life with him. And now I miss him so incredibly much. I know that contacting him will just mess things up again - for me and for him. But still I look at my Messenger every day and have to stop myself from sending him a message or writing him a mail. It's like there's a hole inside of me. And yet, the other day I dreamt that he was back in my life and I felt so heavy because I knew that it would start all over again. I must be crazy. Love, etc... Elise
Kamille Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Welcome to LS Elise, First of all, you do not sound like the bad guy in this story and neither does he. Your situation is complex: you care deeply for someone who is in love with you without being able to reciprocate the feeling. Second, I think you are definitely doing the right thing by proceeding with no contact. Believe me, we are all here to attest that it's hard. The bottom line is that you are not in love with him and a lot of his attitudes, like his possessiveness, can be linked to the insecurity he must feel about being in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate. you are right: as it is now, this relationship is toxic. And yes your fates are linked. You two have already lived a great deal together and that is not something to underestimate - but maybe that link has more to do with what you have had together and what you can learn from this relationship. Yet as it is now, it sounds like you are both trying to figure out what this feeling of fate means. It also sounds that you both need some distance to let its meaning come to you. I firmly believe that many 'soulmates' come into your lives for reasons that are oftentime beyond our comprehension. He wants to be with you so he probably feels that this link between you means that you two should be together, ie, that you are the only woman for him. Maybe you are having a hard time walking away from him because a) he is your friend and you care for him and b) the devotion he has for you is reassuring. But you know you have to let him go and the sad thing is, you will have to be the one to be strong in this decision. We are here to support you. Good luck K
magichands Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 The bottom line is that you are not in love with him and a lot of his attitudes, like his possessiveness, can be linked to the insecurity he must feel about being in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate. But you know you have to let him go and the sad thing is, you will have to be the one to be strong in this decision. We are here to support you. I agree. I mean, how many more throws of the dice do you want with this one? You gave it everything you had, but it just didn't work out. I had to chuckle a little at this part, though. In many ways he is a very simple man, who gets angry and happy easily. He has never been capable of understanding more complex emotions such as why I liked a person even though he/she was flawed and he has never been able to give me any guidance or to show me things from another perspective. Simple? Nobody is that simple.
notmakingsense Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Elise -- sometimes relationships are more like addictions. We know the substance is not good for us, yet we find ourselves drawn back to it over and over again. I have been in your position -- going back and forth with a woman for nearly 3 years. We broke up numerous times -- sometimes I would break up, sometimes she would. It has gotten to the point where I have gained enough strength to stick with this latest breakup (or at least that's what I think now :-) You are doing the right thing by not contacting him. Even though reconnecting with him feels fantastic to you, you know what will happen after some time. Focus your energy on trying to learn from the experience and figuring out in your mind what a man who is truly compatible with you would be like.
Author letter-to-elise Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Thank you so much for your replies. You are right of course that I have to stay away from him. Obviously, I knew that, but I still cannot understand why it hurts and hurts and hurts Knowing something with your brain does not make it any easier on your heart. It was nice to write it all down and get it out of my system, though. Magichands: You are right he is not THAT simple. I may have exaggerated for the sake of clarity . I also forgot to say that I meant it purely in a social context. His social skills are not particularly good, but he is very intelligent in other areas. I have always wished for a man who had greater social skills and more empathy than me so in that way he was a bad match. Hope I straightened that up . Love, Elise
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I have always wished for a man who had greater social skills and more empathy than me To tame the bitch?!
Author letter-to-elise Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 No. I am not a bitch. I like people who are good at understanding other people instead of judging them. To me, lack of that ability/desire is a flaw - one that I am working on in myself.
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 No. I am not a bitch. Deny it all you want... I like people who are good at understanding other people instead of judging them. To me, lack of that ability/desire is a flaw - one that I am working on in myself. That sucks. I really like bitches.
al8765 Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I can understand that you miss him and want to contact him. I don't know if I am qualified to give advice yet because I still don't know how I feel about everything. My boyfriend and I talk alot still because there are several things that I still need to say to him. We both agree that we can't work as a couple, but we believe that we can work as friends. But I think you gave me this advice, you should avoid contact with the ex until all romantic feelings from both sides are gone.
al8765 Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I can understand that you miss him and want to contact him. I don't know if I am qualified to give advice yet because I still don't know how I feel about everything. My boyfriend and I talk alot still because there are several things that I still need to say to him. We both agree that we can't work as a couple, but we believe that we can work as friends. But I think you gave me this advice, you should avoid contact with the ex until all romantic feelings from both sides are gone. Crap! EX boyfriend! He's my ex! Its so weird saying that! Argh, need to get used to that!
magichands Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Crap! EX boyfriend! He's my ex! Its so weird saying that! Argh, need to get used to that! Writing really helps to clarify your thoughts, doesn't it. Wow. I should try quoting myself more.
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