He's MM and flirting.. but he's an actor.. is it ok?

[DarkBlue]

- I'm really lost and confused and need to cry out for help annoymously!

 

I could be making something out to be bigger then it is, but I can't tell! I've never fallen for a MM before, so I'm also REALLY confused... before if I would find out a guy I thought was cute was married it would immeaditely turn on this switch in my head that said "I'm no longer interested"... because I never believed in chasing after a married man. I think it's the stupidest idea in the world really.. your chances of success are SO slim.. and so much drama would be involved too.. and if they make a commitment with someone else and break it for you, they will inevibility do it again right.. only leave me for someone else type deal.. ect ect.

 

But I can't seem to get this guy out of my head! He's sweet and funny and kind.. he has this wild sort of passionate personality about life and his career... and I'm very career driven right now so we have that "motivated to accomplish great things from big dreams" trait in common. Actually, we have everything we've ever talked about in common practically, and sometimes I even secretly tested him by throwing out something I'm not really interested in to see if he's just being agreeable and says "Oh, I like that alot" to see if he's TRYING to have things in common with me.. but it doesn't work... we really do just have alot in common. It's absoloutey maddening because I didn't WANT anyone to be interested in... I wanted to focus on my WORK and there is no one else that even remotely interests me right now so it's hard to get my mind off him by "seeing someone else" because I'll just feel like I'm wasting time I could be working on all these goals I want to accomplish this year. That and I don't feel it's right to date someone else even casually when I'm secretly thinking of someone else. (but trying really hard not too!)

 

Part of the problem is I know it is not just "wanting what I can't have" because I liked him BEFORE I knew he was married.. He started out as a co-worker/boss who I looked up too because he was doing what I wanted to do someday... since most of the performance gigs at the work place we share are seasonal I moved away after the first one we worked together and we lost touch easily. I got so busy with my own life that I completely forgot about him and any impact he had on my life. I never thought of him as much more then a very pleasant co-worker who was rather on the eccentric side who was really REALLY supportive of my endeavors.. so he was memorable in that respect... but I deff. hadn't even begun to think of him "that way" till fast forward a year (present time) when I came back to the same work place I had left and bumped into him on the way to my set location. He ran up and hugged me and seemed so geniunely happy to see me back that it took me by suprise because... he's so popular.. I figuired he meets so many people that come and go with his work that he'd have forgotten me after a year.

 

I decided after seeing him for that brief moment that I really wanted to catch up with him.. the desire to do so became stronger every day... except we weren't working in the same location this time so I would never see him... although several of my friends would.. and one would even tell me he said "hi" and "was meaning to come visit" and it would just intesify my desire to see him.. as what I thought was.. a friend wanting to catch up.. all I knew was my mind was going "ARGH! I really wanna see him again!" It became really frustrating because this went on for about a month until my friend came in and said she had seen him again and he said "hi" again and that he's sorry he hasn't got to come visit but he's been really busy with work and the wife and kids. It was then I realized that I must have been crushing on him without even being aware of it, because my heart just shattered when she said that... I was SO devestated and embarrased.. because it seemed like everyone else had already known that he was married but me.. that I had just never noticed the wedding band he always wore. I went home and cried about it, talked so some close friends I felt I could trust, and then soon after was like "O.K. I'm over it." and was ready to move on and focus on work again.

 

So, I go back to focusing on work and begin applying for full time work thinking I won't see him again for a looooonnnnggg time so he's kind of out of my head FINALLY. I was completely unprepared for bumping into him again.. which is of course what happened right when I least expected it. (This whole thing has felt like some huge cosmic joke or punishment, btw, mainly because I was very judgemental and chastised my sister for being in open relationship with her husband and complaining about what I said was the inevitible "drama" that occurs being in one...shortly before all this happened) I was unprepared emotionally I guess. I didn't have time to put up an emotional barrier like I usually do for someone I'm "not supposed to like" for whatever reason.

 

He comes out of one of the doors of the office I'm waiting in with some friends/co-worker guys (I don't know) and suprises me by running up to hug and kiss me on the cheek. He explained everything as to why he had been to busy to come visit, and he had some pretty valid reasons, so I forgave him almost instantly... after we finished catching up he hugged and kissed me good bye again and I got a wierd "vibe/sensation" I hadn't before.. it felt more like electricity or static running through me. Since that day we've bumped into each other more often then I thought we would... he hugs and kisses me every time now and flirts like mad... but apparantly he's "Friendly" or a "sweet talker" to everyone so I shouldn't think much of it. Then I came to one of the shows he performed and since the show is half improv he found a way to have us kiss on stage. Afterward he made some comment to an engaged couple about how "Your not complete until your married.. and after that your finished." that I'm not sure if it was just him joking around or he was implying something because he was really really flirty with me that day.

 

He's asked if I noticed that other guys at work who see us together get jealous when we "flirt" which I guess means he's fully aware we ARE flirting... but so far he hasn't done anything completely out of line...Well, I guess.. that's why I'm asking for other opinoins.. If I'm jumping to conclusions or not.. becaues if I am jumping to conclusions I could be squashing the potential for a really amazing friendship in the future... He invited me to go somewhere with him outside of work for fun and I'm afraid to go and be one of those people who set themselves up to help him have an affair. Some of my close friends disagree or argue about the stage kiss thing though. All of my theatre freinds agree that stage kisses never count, and don't mean anything... but some others think that it's really obvious that I like him, and he must know I like him, because he's seemed to become increasingly more affectionate/flirty with each time I've seen him which always throws me off and makes me blush and space out.

 

So they say that by him setting up a stage kiss knowing I have feelings for him he's encouragaing me to continue having feelings for him and finding ways to get away with getting to be more affectionate with another woman then he should be that would normally get him in trouble.... and that it's not right because he's married. We've also shared really long tight cuddly hugs that are maybe too long for just friends.. and lock eyes.. never break eye contact whenever we speak to each other.. and the looks we give each other might be more longing/wanting then they should be... but I can't tell if it feels that way because that's what I secretly WANT it to be.. and am not willing to admit it.. or if because he is sending signals that he's interested in more then friendship/.companionship and maybe I should be carefu or watch out... I'm just not sure! My temporary solution for this problem has been just to avoid seeing him.. but I've managed to avoid seeing him for a few weeks now and I feel horrible instead of better/less confused... like he just keeps popping into my head.. and I really REALLY really want to see him... just because I'm emotionally attached to him.. I have some self esteem issues and he always manages to make me feel better about myself and my goals.. he's good at boosting my ego and confidence and just being there for me and making me feel like someone important really cares about me. ahhh! I'm so confused!

[norajane]

Sure, it's easy to turn the switch off if you're not really tempted. But with this guy, you're tempted. Don't dive into the trap. That ego of yours that he's now stroking will end up in the toilet a year from now when he's still with his wife, and you're hanging onto him as his mistress. For how long? Until he meets the next mistress? Will you be jealous of everyone he cheek kisses and flirts with? Do you really want to set yourself up for the misery of trying to take him away from his wife and KIDS?

 

I think you know better, so I hope you save yourself a LOT of hell and heartbreak and stay away from this man. And stop wearing your emotions on your sleeve for everyone to see and gossip about. Being the flirty, deluded woman going after a married man is not a role you want to star in. Being talked of as the woman who slept her way into her positon is not the kind of gossip you want to incite.

[freakygal78]

Without reading all of your post, I recommend you watch the movie 'L'Idole' or 'The Idol' - in fact all OW should to realise just how an OW can be treated (like a close second best in the end). You don't see the bad stuff in the beginning - trust me on this.....the excitement is all but addictive but you will suffer and the pain is bloody unbearable!

[frannie]

I think it's the stupidest idea in the world really.. your chances of success are SO slim.. and so much drama would be involved too.. and if they make a commitment with someone else and break it for you, they will inevibility do it again right.. only leave me for someone else type deal.. ect ect.

 

Well, from someone who's been an OW for going on for three years now... if you get involved with him those are going to be the least of your worries.

 

You sound all fresh and up for a challenge here (talking of 'success')... but give it a few months... heading into year one... year two..? And your only questions will be... how do I get out of this..? Do I give it any longer and how much..? Whatever happened to that fresh, optimistic woman I used to know..? Plus struggling with your emotions concerning his family, how other people might look at you and him... does he have children..? What if his wife finds out... what would the repercussions be in your life..?

 

You're not yet in love with him... there's still time to call a halt to this before it gets much, much harder to walk away.

[bluetuesday]

if you think you have low self-esteem now, wait until you're in the middle of the affair you're blindly heading towards.

 

when all your fears about yourself are confirmed by the facts that you're always second best, only fit to be lied about and hidden away, and you end up alone when he prefers to be with his real family on every major holiday, THEN you'll know what low self-esteem really is.

 

when people at work talk about you behind your back as the woman whom this guy banged and then dumped, when they question why you got that raise/promotion, when they don't want to introduce you to their boyfriends, then you'll know what low-self-esteem really is.

it doesn't matter if you liked him before you knew he was married, if his marriage is in trouble (and those comments he made were clearly a joke, not a hint to you) or if he's the one doing the pursuing. he is married with kids. the very fact he is flirting and kissing you shows you what sort of guy he is.

 

my friend jackie was left recently by her husband of eight years. she was shocked, devastated, didn't see it coming. funnily enough he did the same thing to his first wife ten years ago, when jackie was his mistress. what goes around, comes around. if you want your life to be about deceit and heartbreak, and if you want to inflict that on his wife and children, grab this opportunity with both hands.

[whichwayisup]

. I think it's the stupidest idea in the world really.. your chances of success are SO slim.. and so much drama would be involved too.. and if they make a commitment with someone else and break it for you, they will inevibility do it again right.. only leave me for someone else type deal.. ect ect.

 

Your own words have alot of insight, so PLEASE listen to your head, not your heart.

 

Listen to the advice given to you by everyone else.

[DarkBlue]

yurgh. I appreciate all the responses and the reality checks...but some of them just seem loaded with assumptions. From what I can tell he really IS a good person and a good friend.. so far that I've seen with my own eyes... and everyone has known him to be one that's worked with him too.. he has a really good reputation and has been working there a loooonnng time with no previous rep of being a play boy or scandalous in anyway. The point of the post was more along the lines of I don't want to lose the growing friendship over being paranoid and possibly "love-drunk delusional" (You know what I mean? Where you want someone to like you so you take every little thing they do and analyze it as "signs" they are interested, when in reality it's not that way at all? ) Also, On the esteem part, I think I should have been more clear. What I meant was he helps me with my confidence in issues like my work and my own performance.. that's what is important to me. The flirting is nice, and it does make me feel prettier and wanted, but I dont NEED it to feel better about myself in that way... What I feel i need from him is the encouragement and confidence he gives me dealing with "being good enough" to be a performer professionaly. I'm very new and scared in that aspect, and he has alot of experience in it and tells me all kinds of wonderful things about how I'm a natural, i know what I'm doing, I'm going to do great.. he really helps me to believe in myself in the rather scary field of Entertainment....No one else seems to be able to do what he does to make me really start to believe in myself. I think it's something to do with how sincere he seems when he says it... and to clear up one other thing, he WAS my boss during one performance but he isn't now.. so he's not going to be getting me any promotions... (that I know of) Although I think gossip may have already started for a different reason. (I'm afraid to go to into detail about anything that might give to much information away about where we work.. so I'm going to have to do this leaving little gaps in the story now and then..) What I was really hoping for was help deciding if he is flirting too much for a married man? Am I setting myself up for disaster? Because I really think I like him too much to deny him if he made an advance, so I'm trying to decide if I should find an excuse to bail on this outing we arranged outside of work to play it safe, or if I'd be missing out on something really fun we could be doing as friends because I'm paranoid..?

 

Here's some of the flirty things he's done so I can hopefully get some fair assesments/judgement calls on wether or not I have something to worry about.

 

Sometimes when he goes into kiss me on the cheek he sort of "misses" and kisses closer to the mouth. (but he hasn't kissed on the mouth yet except on stage!) When he does he sometimes comments on how I smell good and he'll sort of linger near my neck as he's saying it. After he did it once in front of another guy at work that liked me (that I did not like back at all, and would be short with and tell him "NO" whenever he brought up the matter which he would bring up more often then was comfortable... the guy would continue to persue me no matter how cold or blatant I would be with him, and would constantly try to put down me and my MM friend's relationship as friends.) So when the guy saw first hand me and MM flirting one day he got this shocked/pissed off look on his face that he did not hide well at all. MM noticed because the next time we saw each other I apologized for the annoying co-workers behavior dealing with coming back to the actor's green room when it wasn't curteous to do so, and MM's response was "Yeah, and did you see how jealous he got over us flirting?" and he sort of giggled and raised his eyebrows at me and leaned in closer. Then I said "Yeah, *The Guys name* keeps following me around and asking me out even though I've already told him I'm not interested." and MM said "That's because your HOT." really eagerly.

 

After the whole stage kiss thing, one of the other actors and my friend commented on "the gag" and he put his arm around my shoulder and said "I've just always wanted to kiss her." which threw me. It's not like I wear my heart on my sleeve on purpose, he just does things in front of other people I'd never expect him to do that make me blush. He's also complimented several new outfits I've worn saying they are sexy, or hot, or flattering.. playing with the sleeves ect. and I've noticed whenever I come to see him, or happen to be in a room that he and his freinds/co-wprker are also in he sort of drops everything he's doing to hug/talk/kiss/flirt with me. No one seems to do or say anything more about it then raise eyebrows because he "flirts with everyone, it's just his personality." and he so far, is only been flirting slightly stronger with me then anyone else at work.. so it could really be just harmless fun, but I'm not sure.

[2sunny]

you are playing with fire - and YOU will be the one to get burned...

 

get out and stay away while you can....

[frannie]

I didn't read through all the 'is this real flirting or not' stuff because I really wouldn't know what his intentions are, and it all sounds a little High School to be honest. I think you're all caught up with the notion of this and how exciting it all is, and you're not thinking at all.

 

What I would say is that if he's that important and supportive to you in your work, and you value that, then don't throw that out of the window. If you get involved in an affair with him and then have to end it at some point, you'll end up with severe regrets and longing for those things you will lose.

[whichwayisup]

responses and the reality checks...but some of them just seem loaded with assumptions. From what I can tell he really IS a good person and a good friend..

 

If he was, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. If he was a good friend, he'd be staying away and not trying to flirt with you.....He'd respect his wife, his marriage and not lust after other women.

 

He could have a huge heart, but he IS selfish!

 

Keep things in perspective, if you don't, you're gonna get hurt. And seeing as he's a married man, in the entertainment business, gossip will follow. Last thing you need to deal with is seeing a gossip magazine about you and him! Let alone the fallout from his wife and family......

[sb129]

if you think you have low self-esteem now, wait until you're in the middle of the affair you're blindly heading towards.

 

when all your fears about yourself are confirmed by the facts that you're always second best, only fit to be lied about and hidden away, and you end up alone when he prefers to be with his real family on every major holiday, THEN you'll know what low self-esteem really is.

 

when people at work talk about you behind your back as the woman whom this guy banged and then dumped, when they question why you got that raise/promotion, when they don't want to introduce you to their boyfriends, then you'll know what low-self-esteem really is.

it doesn't matter if you liked him before you knew he was married, if his marriage is in trouble (and those comments he made were clearly a joke, not a hint to you) or if he's the one doing the pursuing. he is married with kids. the very fact he is flirting and kissing you shows you what sort of guy he is..

 

you are playing with fire - and YOU will be the one to get burned...get out and stay away while you can....

 

Sure, it's easy to turn the switch off if you're not really tempted. But with this guy, you're tempted. Don't dive into the trap. That ego of yours that he's now stroking will end up in the toilet a year from now when he's still with his wife, and you're hanging onto him as his mistress. For how long? Until he meets the next mistress? Will you be jealous of everyone he cheek kisses and flirts with? Do you really want to set yourself up for the misery of trying to take him away from his wife and KIDS?

Being the flirty, deluded woman going after a married man is not a role you want to star in. Being talked of as the woman who slept her way into her positon is not the kind of gossip you want to incite.

 

Without reading all of your post, I recommend you watch the movie 'L'Idole' or 'The Idol' - in fact all OW should to realise just how an OW can be treated (like a close second best in the end). You don't see the bad stuff in the beginning - trust me on this.....the excitement is all but addictive but you will suffer and the pain is bloody unbearable!

 

Well, from someone who's been an OW for going on for three years now... if you get involved with him those are going to be the least of your worries.

You sound all fresh and up for a challenge here (talking of 'success')... but give it a few months... heading into year one... year two..? And your only questions will be... how do I get out of this..? Do I give it any longer and how much..? Whatever happened to that fresh, optimistic woman I used to know..? Plus struggling with your emotions concerning his family, how other people might look at you and him... does he have children..? What if his wife finds out... what would the repercussions be in your life..?

You're not yet in love with him... there's still time to call a halt to this before it gets much, much harder to walk away.

 

To save myself typing all that out again, I have just highlighted how I felt when I was an OW.

 

All the other posters here are right.

 

Don't do it. There is someone else out there for you... If he finds you attractive, it stands to reason that someone else who is single will.

[norajane]

From what I can tell he really IS a good person and a good friend.. so far that I've seen with my own eyes... and everyone has known him to be one that's worked with him too..

 

A good person and a good friend DOES NOT put you in the position of fielding inappropriate flirtation. If you are a good person and a good friend, you will not put him in the position where you are tempting him to cross the line. Friends do not tempt each other into damaging behavior. You cannot control his behavior, but you can control yours. If you don't think you can control yourself, stay away from him in every way except for the professional activities.

 

I don't want to lose the growing friendship over being paranoid and possibly "love-drunk delusional" (You know what I mean? Where you want someone to like you so you take every little thing they do and analyze it as "signs" they are interested, when in reality it's not that way at all? )

Then don't take the risk. If you aren't sure if he's flirting, you certainly know that you are and that you WANT him to be flirting. Whether he's flirting is immaterial - YOU are flirting and you know it. That's enough for you to keep things on a professional level only.

 

What I feel i need from him is the encouragement and confidence he gives me dealing with "being good enough" to be a performer professionaly. I'm very new and scared in that aspect, and he has alot of experience in it and tells me all kinds of wonderful things about how I'm a natural, i know what I'm doing, I'm going to do great.. he really helps me to believe in myself in the rather scary field of Entertainment....No one else seems to be able to do what he does to make me really start to believe in myself.

That's because no one else means as much to you as he does. No one else's opinion means as much to you. That's directly related to the flirtation and how close you feel to him, you know, with all those things you have in common.

 

This is a bad thing for you in the long run. You cannot have a mentor whom you are sexually attracted to. Any whiff of anxiety in your relationship will knock your confidence down professionally as well as personally.

 

Believing in yourself should come from your successes and failures and what you learn from them. Not what somebody else thinks of you.

he WAS my boss during one performance but he isn't now.. so he's not going to be getting me any promotions... (that I know of) Although I think gossip may have already started for a different reason.

You have no idea whether he will be your boss again, or how he might be involved in your professional life in the future. Just because he isn't your boss now means nothing. You move in the same circles and to be fodder for others' gossip is always the wrong move.

 

What I was really hoping for was help deciding if he is flirting too much for a married man? Am I setting myself up for disaster? Because I really think I like him too much to deny him if he made an advance, so I'm trying to decide if I should find an excuse to bail on this outing we arranged outside of work to play it safe, or if I'd be missing out on something really fun we could be doing as friends because I'm paranoid..?

 

It doesn't matter in the least whether HE is flirting too much. What matters is that YOU are flirting too much, and you are HOPING that he is flirting with you and that it is more meaningful than all the flirting he does with everyone else. Yes, bail on the friendly outing. You are not capable of being "just friends" with him while you are still wanting more from him.

so it could really be just harmless fun, but I'm not sure.

It's not just harmless fun, because it is more than that to you.

[whichwayisup]

so it could really be just harmless fun, but I'm not sure.

 

I doubt his wife and his children would see it as harmless flirting. Imagine if you were his wife...What would you be feeling.

[freakygal78]

"A good person and a good friend DOES NOT put you in the position of fielding inappropriate flirtation. If you are a good person and a good friend, you will not put him in the position where you are tempting him to cross the line."

 

Bravo NoraJane! My sentiments exactly - only change the 'him' to 'her' and it works equally as well methinks

 

I'm so sick of hearing ppl post-story tell me 'well you pursued him pretty badly also....' when the opposite was also true......works BOTH ways!

[DarkBlue]

O.k. So the consesus is "don't go" then. What if it's in a public place with lots of people, and he's bringing his step son? I don't think he'd try anything in front of one of his children? I guess I already know the answer to that... no matter what the situation I have to be the one to excercise restraint if I care about the friendship and I do care about the friendship part. I want to be able to be his friend... some of the thing said here really struck a chord... it's helped me to see the bigger picture. I'll try to put in more of an effort...but what does that mean to not tempt him? He's the one doing the majority of the flirting... I'm just ... not.. stopping him... because... well I enjoy it.

 

As for how the wife would feel... I've been wondering about that myself.. She must not care about that sort of thing becasue it's deff. part of his nature to be a flirt... but I don't know... I haven't really asked him alot about his life outside of work.. I don't want to pry. So far, I just let him tell me what he wants to tell me, and he likes to bring up what sort of acting gigs he does outside of work, and his kids, but seems to be almost careful not to mention the wife. One of my friends who I've confided in says It's more then likely because he's aware I'm crushing on him, and he's sparing my feelings... my gut instinct tells me different though.. that he's trying to see how I react when he mentions the word "children".. as in "Does she see that as baggage or does she like children?" type deal. So far, I've managed to just change the subject when he's brought it up because I love children, but I don't want to encourage him... if you know what I mean? This is why I came here to ask for an assesment. In the past I've always been very old fashioned... and now that I'm working with alot of Entertainers I'm getting the whole "get used to being flirted with... nobody means anything by it here... except if they do." It's just REALLY hard to tell who's play flirting and who's flirting with intent.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bit of a prude, which is why I came for advice in the first place... thinking maybe I was over analyzing things concerning his flirting. I've been questioning how I can like someone so much whos everything in the past that has been NOT my type. I used to pull faces at guys who flirted too much, and if they even dared flirt with ME I'd be VeRY frigid with them... I dumped my first boyfriend like yesterday's trash because he flirted too much. I've never had much of a tolerance for it... I would never return a hug at work if someone gave me one, especially if I even remotely sensed they might like me... but ever since I met him I've started to think things like...

 

"I should learn to loosen up and have fun like he does." and now I flirt a bit with everyone and because of it I now know exactly which guys like me and want to date me... and there's alot more guys that are interested then I first thought. The problem is none of them interest or excite me the way he does. I keep hoping someone will come along as interesting as he is to distract me... but so far no luck. I tried that whole "put yourself in the wifes shoes" bit too... How mad would I be when he does it to me, flirting with other girls...? but then I witnessed him first hand flirt with other girls, I braced myself to be jealous, angry.. but I couldn't be... I knew it would happen because he's just a friendly flirty guy. Instead what I found myself feeling was suprising. I watched him flirt with other girls and although there was this initial twinge of jealousy, I started to notice that I liked even MORE that I was special to him somehow, because he would flirt with all the girls a little, in this way that sort of felt like "Hello, everyone.. I'm letting you know I love women, and I'm a friendly and cuddly guy." but then after the "polite" flirt with any and all ladies who'd smile at him he'd make me his center of attention. It's maddening. I fear it's unhealthy to have this guy have such a heavy influence on me that it's changing the very way I percieve morals. Does anyone else here know hwo to cope with being this deeply infatuated with someone you can't have?

[norajane]

He's the one doing the majority of the flirting... I'm just ... not.. stopping him... because... well I enjoy it.

 

Well, that's the problem. You enjoy it. If you didn't, you'd be able to turn the switch off like you did with other married men.

 

As for how the wife would feel... I've been wondering about that myself.. She must not care about that sort of thing becasue it's deff. part of his nature to be a flirt... but I don't know...

BIG MISTAKE to make assumptions like that. You don't know that she dosn't care. It might hurt her deeply. You don't know, and anything you imagine is probably wishful thinking on your part.

 

he likes to bring up what sort of acting gigs he does outside of work, and his kids, but seems to be almost careful not to mention the wife. One of my friends who I've confided in says It's more then likely because he's aware I'm crushing on him, and he's sparing my feelings... my gut instinct tells me different though.. that he's trying to see how I react when he mentions the word "children".. as in "Does she see that as baggage or does she like children type deal?" So far, I've managed to just change the subject when he's brought it up because I love children, but I don't want to encourage him... if you know what I mean?

Now you're making more bad assumptions. You actually believe he's bringing up his children because he's testing to see how you feel about kids, so that when he leaves his wife for you, he'll know that you'll be there for the kids???? Come on - you are projecting this onto him!!

 

A lot of men don't talk about their wives because they prefer to keep their marriage private. As in, it's nobody's business.

 

This is why I came here to ask for an assesment. In the past I've always been very old fashioned... and now that I'm working with alot of Entertainers I'm getting the whole "get used to being flirted with... nobody means anything by it here... except if they do." It's just REALLY hard to tell who's play flirting and who's flirting with intent.

That's why you should treat ALL flirting as nothing, instead of investing so much thought into it. It doesn't matter if they are flirting with intent when they are married. Marriage makes them OFF LIMITS. And I don't care what industry you are in. Wrong is wrong.

 

I fear it's unhealthy to have this guy have such a heavy influence on me that it's changing the very way I percieve morals. Does anyone else here know hwo to cope with being this deeply infatuated with someone you can't have?

It is unhealthy that you would drop your morals for some married guy.

 

Lots of people become infatuated with people they can't have. The trick is not to allow yourself to think it would be ok to have them. The trick is not to fool yourself into thinking it's ok. The trick is to stay away from them if you have no control over your actions. Don't lie to yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Good post NJ

[SadandConfusedWA]

A lot of men don't talk about their wives because they prefer to keep their marriage private. As in, it's nobody's business.

 

I agree with your post apart from this part. I think that discussing marriage problems or private details of the relationship is what most people feel is not right. BUT mentioning the wife every now and then, as in "my wife said this.." or "my wife and me went there.." is completly natural and MM with no intention of cheating do that all the time. However, MM that are flirting tend to carefully edit their conversations in attempt not to mention the wife.

[puddleofmud]

Having read this entire thread--the one thing that keeps coming to mind:

 

"If he were a plumber would this be OK? If this were "ANY MM" in ANY work place flirting heavily would that be "OK"?

Is there a standard we as women set about men who are "valuable" and more attractive and where we are pre-disposed to perceive certain "classes" of men?

What would deem more attractive?

"I am the single guy who fixes the toilets" or "I am the married actor"?

Just curious...

[DarkBlue]

Having read this entire thread--the one thing that keeps coming to mind:

 

"If he were a plumber would this be OK? If this were "ANY MM" in ANY work place flirting heavily would that be "OK"?

Is there a standard we as women set about men who are "valuable" and more attractive and where we are pre-disposed to perceive certain "classes" of men?

What would deem more attractive?

"I am the single guy who fixes the toilets" or "I am the married actor"?

Just curious...

 

Well, I didn't mean it like that.. What I meant about mentioning he's an actor is that generally.. in Entertainment.. we get away with flirting alot more as compared to say an office where "charm" isn't a necessary tool to accomplish the work that needs to get done. In Entertainment, we're always practicing different techniques to dazzle, charm, and emote.. so his over the top flirting with me could just be how he keeps his energy up.. I dunno.. That's why I was asking for a few opinions before I over reacted and jumped to the conclusion that "OMG. He's hitting on me. I better run away because I like him.. that's a train wreck waiting to happen." Plus the stage kiss thing was debateable with those very few close confidants I discussed it with. Some say "stage kisses don't count".... but others say "You two know each other personally... he knows you have feelings for him, (or he's the most clueless person on the planet) and he could have picked any audience member to do that gag.. but he saw you and went straight for you.." so its' different. He was taking advantage of a situation where he could get away with it.

 

It had nothing to do with his worth.. or any other mans worth. I'm pretty sure I'd still like him if he were a plumber... but maybe only a plumber who had dreams to be a famous actor one day... part of why I like him so much is he's driven and creative. He just happens to be one of the higher status actors amongst us. It doesn't make him a better person in my book, but him saying that I have great talent and paying so much attention to me when he is such a busy and powerful person does make me feel special.

 

Rora Jane, you are right though. I shouldn't make any assumptions. I just got a wierd vibe from the tone and infliction of his voice when he'd mention the kids though... and I was taught from a wise old friend of mine to always trust my intuition... but in this case it's safe to say, that I might be wanting that to be the case subconciously, even if I think it's what I don't want... because of my feelings for him. It's been hard to keep grounded and realistic when I'm all :love: when he's around.. but all of the responses here and seeing all the other horror stories in other peoples topics and posts on this board has really helped me to realize that I need to just be his friend right now and respect that ring.. even if he doesn't. If he's unhappy he'll divorce anyway right? I'm going to do my best to just be his friend, because his friendship means sooooo much to me.. I don't want to lose it!