frannie Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 But who can really do that? If you stay with someone long enough, I think that love becomes the byproduct...and I personally can't see getting into a R with that mindset... And does it really matter that they are hoping a M doesn't get broken up? If the W were to find out, there's always the possiblity... I think you'd have to be a pretty cold woman to follow those rules, period... Well, I wouldn't enter a relationship with that idea either. But then you did say it sickened you, so I was just pointing out the 'positives'. Love may or may not come with being with someone... and in the end it can go away again... otherwise why are all those MM and MW involved with other people anyway..? If they were still in love then would they be searching..? I don't know. Never been there. The piece was specifically about relationships where love wasn't involved. If the MM can do that, then why not the OW..? At least it's a recipe for not getting caught up in the hope for the future thing... not everyone wants that.
pricillia Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 But you could say, at least anyone who follows those rules... at least they're not hoping a marriage gets broken up. MM gets his 'needs' met and so does the OW and no-one gets their heart broken. Bottom line... In reguards to the the article. I am with MM because I am in love with him, for no other reason, and I would not be with him if he was not in love with me. If I wanted just what the article implies then why would I not just go out and be with just anyone. I love him and do not want to be with another. And as far as the part where making yourself look good, feel good ect, we should be doing that anyway for ourselves, reguardless if you are with someone or not...
frannie Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Bottom line... In reguards to the the article. I am with MM because I am in love with him, for no other reason, and I would not be with him if he was not in love with me. Well me too for my situation. I can't really see myself being involved with someone for the sake of all those things that are listed. Just not me. And I want a relationship, love and all.
pricillia Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Well me too for my situation. I can't really see myself being involved with someone for the sake of all those things that are listed. Just not me. And I want a relationship, love and all. So where do you see this going with your MM, as for me I would want something more, but honestly how can I expect that when he is married, ugh...
frannie Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 So where do you see this going with your MM, as for me I would want something more, but honestly how can I expect that when he is married, ugh... Well it's supposedly going to the divorce courts... Why would I expect anything less..?
Kamille Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I really don't consider myself to be cold-hearted and I was very confused during the whole affair. I would not have had an affair with anybody else but this man. We did have a strong attraction for each other and we shared - and still share - a very thrilling connection. But all that does not equal to love for me. I believe that we were both selfish and self-involved in having the affair and I certainly do not want a love that is selfish and isolating in my life. I don't remember where but I remember reading somewhere about different kinds of love and the best kind of love being the one that opens us to the world instead of keeping us focused on ourselves. I know that really hit home for me when I was in the A because the A was all about this little isolated -and isolating- world we were creating. I do think we have some power over the kind of love we invite and accept in our lives.
pureinheart Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 But who can really do that? If you stay with someone long enough, I think that love becomes the byproduct...and I personally can't see getting into a R with that mindset... And does it really matter that they are hoping a M doesn't get broken up? If the W were to find out, there's always the possiblity... I think you'd have to be a pretty cold woman to follow those rules, period... Tell the truth GEL....
pricillia Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Tell the truth GEL.... hugh?...........................
pureinheart Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 hugh?........................... At first I didn't understand what you didn't understand Pricilla.....then looked at it longer....now I understand....I mean't GEL was speaking the truth in her comment.... It's a common phrase, but can be miss interpreted....
Author BenThereDunThat Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 I really don't consider myself to be cold-hearted and I was very confused during the whole affair. I would not have had an affair with anybody else but this man. We did have a strong attraction for each other and we shared - and still share - a very thrilling connection. But all that does not equal to love for me. I believe that we were both selfish and self-involved in having the affair and I certainly do not want a love that is selfish and isolating in my life. I don't remember where but I remember reading somewhere about different kinds of love and the best kind of love being the one that opens us to the world instead of keeping us focused on ourselves. I know that really hit home for me when I was in the A because the A was all about this little isolated -and isolating- world we were creating. I do think we have some power over the kind of love we invite and accept in our lives.[/quote] Hear, hear Kamille. I agree with everything you said. Especially that last sentence. And Pricillia - yes, he does have another OW. This one is married and has 3-year-old triplettes at home. I'd very much like to have a conversation with her because I know what he's capable of and I'm sure she was vulnerable from having the babies, the strain that put on her marriage, her body, her emotional health, etc. But, I don't know her well enough to have that conversation with her and until she starts to see it for herself she wouldn't believe me anyway. She does jump out of her skin though if she ever runs into me at work. Which cracks me up. So I know she knows I know something. I hope she gets up the nerve to ask me questions some day. He's not stupid enough to admit anything to me, of course. But I've seen things. I won't tell him WHAT things I've seen. I made sure I told him that this time he's not just messing with one person's life though.
pureinheart Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 My heart goes out to you BTDT...and understand exactly what your talking about....It must be so hard to see his sorry as* everyday....If I had to look at ex-MM it would disgust me. You've got a lot of courage.... Today I am really happy and am so glad to be out of that destructive mess...I do agree with Kamille...all of my life have steered clear of MM, even guys with gf's, have never wanted any part of that...this particular MM was very good at the art of deception.
Author BenThereDunThat Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Believe it or not, having to work with him as been a blessing in disguise. I'm forced to see how he truly is. If I didn't, it would be real easy for him to tell me whatever he wanted. This way I've been in a position to see things with my own eyes. I think, more than anything, it bugs him that I'm not jealous. I'm sure his ego needs for me to be. And I'm not. I just pity him. What a sad existence, you know? To be so unhappy in his marriage to have to seek validation from other women. You have to be pretty weak, IMO, to not have the guts to face the reality of your life and make decisions based on being truthful to your own soul.
Marielle Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 As I look at all the titles of these threads, I just feel ill. "does he love me?", "does he think about me?" ... on and on..... You know what? NO! No, he does NOT think about you. No, he does NOT love you....(at least not in the way that you love him - at minimum) You know what he thinks about? He thinks about whether or not he'll get caught by the wife, whether or not you'll wise up and finally be onto him, and if so, how can he still hold onto this new (um, here's where I get hung up, not wanting to say the graphic words that I KNOW he's thinking...) THAT's what he thinks about. THAT is what is on his mind. Believe me, I WISH I was wrong on this. But I'm not. I'm sure there are the rare cases that I AM wrong (I'm thinking of you, StillHere...) But even then, I can't help but wonder. I don't know about you all, but I DO KNOW that I deserve better than that! I REFUSE to be somebody's afterthought.... I agree 1000% with you
pricillia Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Quote:BTDT And Pricillia - yes, he does have another OW. This one is married and has 3-year-old triplettes at home. I'd very much like to have a conversation with her because I know what he's capable of and I'm sure she was vulnerable from having the babies, the strain that put on her marriage, her body, her emotional health, etc. That was quick... I am speachless... the only thing I can say is the perspective that you put on the whole situation is showing how strong you truly are.
Freedom Now Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 You know, BTDT, when things fell apart with my xMM and I, I was devastated. I thought that God was preventing me from having something wonderful. Instead, I realize NOW, that God was saving me from something HORRIBLE. I could have been where his wife sits....and he could have been approaching some hot chick in an airport while he was married to ME.... Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. You have been given the unique advantage of seeing your xMM in action. How truly pathetic. Consider yourself LUCKY to be free of him. Yuck.
Author BenThereDunThat Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Pricillia - actually, it wasn't that quick. I'm sure he's been working her just as long as he was working me. My dumping him might have caused him to step up the pace with her. All that stuff I'm not completely sure about. FN - Amen, sister. We are both very lucky to be free of these slime balls. I just marvel at how easy it was for me to confuse smarm with charm. I was so vulnerable to it. As I look back, I see now how it was ME who unknowingly gave him every clue he needed to get to me. The good news is I'm a lot smarter now than I was a year ago. And I came out of it without being bitter about men. I am less forgiving of selfish, immature MM's (or any weak man, married or not) who prey on women, though.
puddleofmud Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I am less forgiving of selfish, immature MM's (or any weak man, married or not) who prey on women, though. Double, double , ditto on that one, babe!
Author BenThereDunThat Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 I tell you what, as more and more info about the exMM comes to light, I am just so embarrassed that I even gave him the time of day - let alone anything else! It would appear that I found myself an MM who's a whole 'nother breed apart from what I'm seeing on these threads. As if the whole thing wasn't already embarrassing and degrading all by itself. I am just in awe of what I'm learning, and I bet I don't even know a tenth of it all. //definitely needing some therapy over here to try and find out what my problem is when it comes to men....going from an alcoholic, drug user, lazy-a** to the MM. I'm thinking I've been crying for help for a while now!
magichands Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 I tell you what, as more and more info about the exMM comes to light, I am just so embarrassed that I even gave him the time of day - let alone anything else! Wasn't it him giving it to you? I think that's the mechanics of the situation.
Author BenThereDunThat Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Wasn't it him giving it to you? I think that's the mechanics of the situation. My stomach turns at the mere thought of it...
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