To Make A Long Story Longer..Turmoil

[Co-D]

I'm newish to LS and the posts here have helped me a great deal! There's something about hearing your stories that brings me some comfort. I think its because I can feel solidarity in the pain many of you are going through.

 

I'm American but I live overseas. I moved here 6 years ago to be with my partner. We lived together in America for 1 year at the beginning as well. So we have been together just over 7 years. He's from the country I now live in.

 

During that 7 years, my partner has lied to me on numerous occassions, cheated on me a few times and broken every promise he's ever made. We had always resolved to work things out but staying together only made me more paranoid and controlling and him more deceitful and secretive. I also became heavily dependent on him because I live with mental illness (Major Depression accompanied by anxiety) and had several bad episodes during the 7 years, one which lasted 3 months where I couldn't leave the house.

 

Fast forward to 2006. An extremely stressful year for me. I was working full-time and attending university full-time. In November my partner started having crying spells and really emotional episodes. He would tell me that he was unhappy and hinted that he wanted to seperate. My depression had been under control, I was excelling in my work, maintaining a B+ average in my studies, and I thought all of our relationship problems were behind us and generally coping with everything quite well.

 

We decided though, since he was feeling unhappy that we would try counselling and start to see a therapist who specialised in working with gay couples. My partner did the first session by himself, the next session was just me and then we came together for the next 5 sessions.

 

During the sessions, I realised how dependent I had become on my partner, and how he craved for both of us to be independent and also craved his freedom. As I mentioned, I got pretty controlling after all the deceit so he never felt like he could go anywhere or do anything without having to report to me every detail about where he went, who he saw, who he talked to etc.

 

We started to work first on me with the help of the therapist. I begin to really benefit from the sessions and was becoming more independent and less controlling and it felt really good, liberating. My partner could now go about his day and meet his friends without having to feel worried that he would get the third degree when he returned home but he was still hinting that he wanted to seperate. I asked him if there was someone else and he told me there wasn't. I started to see that maybe we would both benefit from a trial seperation. We continued to live together for the time being but we purchased a bed for the guestroom and turned it into his room. We stopped any sexual relations but still slept next to each other quite a bit at night. It was comforting.

 

Finally one day, I asked him how he was feeling about things and he said he definitely felt that we should split up. He said he realised in therapy that I was getting better and better and didn't need him anymore. He also said that he was no longer in love with me. I asked again if there was anyone else and he said no. I agreed to the split.

 

We decided that we would still like to flat together and continue to be part of each other's lives and try to remain friends and our therapist encouraged this whilst making it clear that during the seperation we could be there for each other but each of us needed primary support people outside of the relationship.

 

Things we're going well for about a week. I was looking forward to my new found independence. He had just purchased a new car and said he was going to take it for a burn. He came home that evening in tears. I said "ok, who is he?" He then proceeded to tell me he had been having an affair for 2 months and was deeply in love with the guy. My heart sank. I felt so betrayed. I believed he was giving his best at counselling when really he set us up to fail.

 

It turns out that a few weeks earlier the guy had asked him for a bigger committment. My ex told him that he couldn't give him anything more then what they already had so the guy broke it off. The night he had taken his new car out, he had actually gone to tell the guy the truth, that he was in a relationship with me and that's why he couldn't offer more but now that we were broken up, he could be with him. The new guy said he had already found someone else and moved on hence my ex coming home in tears. They agreed to remain friends and saw each other most days for lunch.

 

I was furious. For the life of him, my ex couldn't understand why I felt betrayed when we were no longer together and turmoil in the house ensued. I couldn't concentrate at work, at university. My Psych Dr had to prescribe me a series of anti-anxiety meds to help my mind rest. He agreed that the mental illness was also intensifying my grief.

 

Fast forward to December 2006. My ex and I agreed to trial living together for a month and see if anything could be salvaged (friendship wise). I finished the semester and had 3 weeks off of work over the holidays. During that time I was always upset that in spite of how I felt my ex continued to see this guy daily.

 

Finally a week ago, he and the guy met for drinks after work. My ex didn't come home that night and when I saw him the next day, he was cold and told me that they were back together and had spent the night together. What else could I do but breakdown? He said he still wanted to live together but I would have to accept them being a couple now. Then last night, as we drove home from work, he told me that he and the guy have decided to move in together and that I would need to find my own place. I asked how soon was he going to be moving. It turns out he moved last night.

 

I am in utter turmoil. I have no family here. I love my job and my university. I'm studying to be a priest. I told another priest friend of mine that I couldn't use my faith to be insightful about this. He told me it was normal and that it's always easier to solve other people's problems.

 

My ex came by today as he promised, to help me clean the house and get groceries for me. He told me I was welcome to the money in the bank and that he would also help me move when I find a place. He said he will support me as much as he could but his new partner would have to come first.

 

I've been in tears since he left. He has been really cruel during the past few weeks (I can't find the words to explain it here). I miss him like crazy.

 

I know that many of you will understand that we can only tell our stories in the best way we know how. No matter how much I write, no one will understand the complexities involved. There's alot more to it but this is the gist of it.

 

Fast forward to Now. I feel so lonely and I miss my family. I'm afraid to be by myself. I'm worried that my anxiety is coming back stronger then ever and I don't know what to do. My best friend, also a priest, is in America visiting his family at the moment. I'm so lost.

 

The whole reason I gave up my life in America and moved here was because of my partner. I find myself having to jusitfy why I stay. The real reason I stay is because I'm afraid to be so far away from him. I'm afraid i'll never see him again if go home. I can't turn by back on 7 years worth of memories and I don't' understand how he could move on so quickly. He told me a few weeks back that he moved on so quickly because he had been preparing himself for this for the last year.

 

I'm 32, my ex-partner 29 and his new bf is 23. The new guy earns 3 x what I do and lives in a luxury apartment ($700K) overlooking the harbour. It's so unfair that he gets to sail away into the sunset while i suffer. And the thing that upsets the most, is that he is gonna get away with it. This guy is everything he was looking for and they're gonna live happily ever after.

[daisydo]

You have the right to live happily ever after also. Do not deny yourself of that happiness. You may be in a different country than your family but let's face it - you have lived there 7 years. It is your home now. I would not pick up and move quickly and impulsively. Continue to concentrate on your studies and your work. I would also get out of that living situation ASAP. You need to find your own place so you can begin to heal.

 

Also, this man has cheated and lied to you. Keep that in mind - do you deserve that? No, absolutely not. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. I would also recommend some individual counseling to help you through the grieving process.

 

The most important thing right now is to move and get yourself out of the apartment. Maybe you could try finding a new roommate for companionship? Maybe try the local newspaper or craigslist.com. They have international listings on there.

 

I am sorry you had to go through such a painful experience. No one deserves that and I hope LS can help you through this. Just one day at a time. Make small steps towards healing.

 

Good luck.

[notmakingsense]

I can't believe your Dr. supported you guys staying together as friends. Ridiculous. You have no reasonable way to heal until you fully separate. Sure, it is horribly scary to leave him and contemplate losing him forever -- but you know what? That's EXACTLY what you need! After time passes, your anxiety and depression will lessen as you learn that you can survive on your own.

 

If you can, get the heck out of there -- and move to a place where you have a network of friends that are independant of him.

[Co-D]

Thanks for your comments daisydo. You are right that this is my home now. Since he has moved out, I am currently looking for a 1 bdroom apt in the city to be closer to the church and my church family. I still need him financially to get through Ferburary because his portion of the rent still needs to be paid here.

 

I've also spoken to a friend who has advised me that I should invoke the 'properties act'. This act covers same-sex defacto partnerships as well as heterosexual couples who aren't married. It states that any assests/debts that we're acquired either jointly or seperately during the relationship are to be split 50/50.

 

My ex and his 3 brothers purchased an investment property last year to also help give their parents some financial stability. My ex and I have always combined our income and paid the bills (no matter whose they were) out of it. This includes the mortgage on the investment property.

 

I brought the idea up to him and told him it would be smart if we did the agreement ourselves and have a solicitor legalise it instead of going through a messy court battle.

 

He was appauled that I would even consider asking for anything. He said it hurts him but the fact of the matter is, his new guy makes $130K a year, he makes $50k a year and I'm on about $30K (these dollar amounts our in this countries currency and are less when translated to US dollars.) His income is going to significantly increase while mine is going to significantly decrease because of the decision to leave.

 

He understood that my income has contributed to a property I will never see a return on and has offered to pay me what I put into it. The property is worth $500K currently. When it has 2 holiday houses added onto it, it will be worth well over a million dollars so its not like he's not getting anything out of it. The current legislation says that I am entitled to 50% of his 1/4 share.

 

I would love to hear people's opinion on the matter.

 

Small steps are what are getting me through. I've been keeping myself busy, meeting new people (friends), working, going to the gym mon-fri. reading alot and studying.

 

The worst times of day for me are the nights and the mornings. I haven't made an effort to contact him, though he does text me a couple of times throughout the day to "check on me" and he is still my gym partner (last i heard).

 

When I see him, I've decided I'm going to have to control my emotions and be brave and not ask any questions about his new life. I do need to keep a cetrain amount of contact though so he doesn't stick me with rent I can't afford alone.

[Co-D]

notmakingsense, I believe you when you say that I can learn to survive on my own. I made great progress this weekend and it was hard but I got through and it's Monday morning. I survived the weekend. I am still crying alot and very emotional but I hope to this will lessen with the passage of time. Thank you for your comments.