jennsana Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I don't know what to do. My husband really is a sweet person, but I just don't love him that way anymore. I don't crave his touch or anything else for that matter. There is another guy...I know I am a rotten person. It just seemed to happen. I don't know how, or why but it did. He makes me feel alive, happy, secure. I don't know what to do. Life I think is too short to be unsatisfied , but I don't want to hurt my husbands feelings either. He is a true friend I just wish I knew a way to feel differently. These feelings started prior to this other man, so I know it is not that. Please help...Lost
IpAncA Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 You have to tell your H that there is another guy. He has ever right to know this. If your willing to work on your marriage then the other relationship has to end and both you and your H need to get into marriage counseling.
Author jennsana Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 What if I don't know if I want to work on things. What if I wish we could be friends . I kn ow that is selfish but I want to want my husband...I want the other man....I feel like I can't stop these feelings. I try not to call but I do...Help
JackJack Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Do you have kids? If you truly know you do not want to work on the marriage, then you need to get out of it. There is no reason to string your husband along and make him think things are good between you both if its not. What kinds of things were you feeling towards your husband before this other man ever came into the picture? Was he not there for you? Is there pent up resentment for something? Is he no longer physically attractive to you anymore? You don't just stop loving a person all of a sudden. Something had to have caused you to feel this way. Also with you having feelings for this other man right now, is going to really cloud your judgement. If you even so much as think you might want to work on things with your husband, then you need to cut ties with this other man. You and your husband get into marraige counseling and see if it can be worked out.
IpAncA Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Do you have kids? If you truly know you do not want to work on the marriage, then you need to get out of it. There is no reason to string your husband along and make him think things are good between you both if its not. What kinds of things were you feeling towards your husband before this other man ever came into the picture? Was he not there for you? Is there pent up resentment for something? Is he no longer physically attractive to you anymore? You don't just stop loving a person all of a sudden. Something had to have caused you to feel this way. Also with you having feelings for this other man right now, is going to really cloud your judgement. If you even so much as think you might want to work on things with your husband, then you need to cut ties with this other man. You and your husband get into marraige counseling and see if it can be worked out. Yes I agree. How long as this been going on and is this an emotional or physical thing?
Author jennsana Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 We have no kids or house. Alot of things I have resentment for. I always am the one who is wrong in a fight, he never sees my side. He likes at porn and not just regular porn young girl porn...he says it just pops up but I have seen downloaded pictures..i'm not dumb. I feel like in the last few months I want more out of life than just sitting at home. I want to go out with friend and do new things see new places. He wants to come home eat and watch tv. I hate tv...advice needed. I feel like such a trerrible person and I think I am getting depressed because I feel like the emotions I feel which i can't control are evil and bad and i deserve to feel bad . but yet these feelings just happened. it has nothing to do with the way he looks or what he does, it is just that I feel like I have changed. ???????
NineGirl Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 wow, well that's a tough one. It is understandable that a person can just lose feelings for someone, BUT you need to let him know. Karma can come back around, so you need to be honest to yourself and your husband. You may have lost feelings for him in that way, but you still have your respect and honesty for him as you swore.. Even if you just see him as a friend and nothing intimate now.
Capatinacen Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 wow, well that's a tough one. It is understandable that a person can just lose feelings for someone, BUT you need to let him know. Karma can come back around, so you need to be honest to yourself and your husband. You may have lost feelings for him in that way, but you still have your respect and honesty for him as you swore.. Even if you just see him as a friend and nothing intimate now. I agree. Your husband needs to know and you can try and work this out with him or leave.
JackJack Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Communicate to him what you would like from the marriage. Does he know how you feel about the porn? Does he know how you feel about any of this? Make a date night. Plan a night to go out just you two. Nice place to eat and a movie? Sounds more like the marraige has gotten into a rut than anything, unless theres more to the story. You need to talk with him about how you feel.
Author jennsana Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 I just can't see it working out. I just don't feel the same way like I used too. I feel like we don't connect...I don't connect and I see that it is tearing us apart. I get easily annoyed. I don't do the things he expects me to do and I know that it is because I feel this way. Like he says if he offers me a peice of candy I should say no thank you..which he is right but I don't do that all the timje which makes him mad at me. I know it has a lot to do with me but I can't help feel ing like a failure sometimes with him. He is this ex marine and no matter what happens it always ends up my fault. I am sorry . We just had a fight and I am venting but What I am saying is true. I just wish someone could shed some light on this situation. Any advice is welcome. Lost
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Before the OM entered into this senario, how did you feel about your husband? Remove the OM for atleat a month, maybe more and see if any feelings come back for your husband. Talk to him, go to marriage counselling! TELL him that you aren't "feeling" it for him and if you two don't work together to fix things, you're afraid the marriage is going to end. Maybe if he really understands how close you are to calling it quits, he'll wake up, make efforts to fix things, instead of always having to be "right" and making you feel bad. Some men need a wake-up call, so wake up your husband NOW before it's too late...
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 My husband really is a sweet person, but I just don't love him that way anymore. He is a true friend I just wish I knew a way to feel differently. You know, it seems that a lot of LoveShack posts start off this way. A typical OP posts something along the lines of "My boyfriend is my soulmate" and then five posts later you find out that he is beating her, sleeping with other women and using drugs. Not my idea of a soulmate. I always am the one who is wrong in a fight, he never sees my side. He likes at porn and not just regular porn young girl porn...he says it just pops up but I have seen downloaded pictures..i'm not dumb. I feel like in the last few months I want more out of life than just sitting at home. I want to go out with friend and do new things see new places. He wants to come home eat and watch tv. Similarly, that isn'y my idea of a sweet guy and a true friend. I'd have one straight up conversation with him about everything (and I do mean everything, affairs included ). If he wants to work at it, you have a decision to make. If he doesn't, the decision is made for you. Mr. Lucky
MoonGirl Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 [COLOR=black]Jennsana,[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I can relate to how you feel with the exception of having no respect left for my abusive husband (who is unwilling to go to therapy or work on our marriage). You're certainly not alone in feeling resentment toward your husband. But, as you said, your husband is a sweet person. It is possible for you to find love for him again if he is willing to work on the marriage with you. I just read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Despite the sweeping generalizations presented in the book, I found it very eye-opening and helpful in understanding men and the things they do and say. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black][/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I agree with WWIU about not having contact with your OM until you can make a decision about what you want to do with your marriage. I know how hard it is, but it is the right thing to do for you, your husband, and your OM. [COLOR=black]I have had no contact with my OM for over a week, and even though it is painful, it is possible to do. After the first few torturous days, my head is now clearer and I can now work on my plan to improve my life.[/COLOR][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][/COLOR]
Author jennsana Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Thank you all for your replys. I guess what I was hoping for was a clear cut answer. There is not one though. I will have a hard time avoiding the om because he works with me. But I have stopped calling...thats a start right. I know I have to discuss the issues and openly let my husband know where i stand. I guess I am trying to find the works to say all I have to say wiht out crushing him. Any advice. Lost
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Keep the distance from OM at work. Professional conversations only! No personal ones or emails. If he tries to talk/email at all, ignore it. Don't react. As for your H, just be honest. Better for you, better for him, atleast that way everything is out in the open and can be dealt with -Good or bad. If you love your H and want to try to give it your best, then work hard together...That way if by chance it doesn't work out, you can know you DID try your best and leave with no regrets.
Author jennsana Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 You are right . I would feel like if I didn't try now I would regret it later. I just can't help feeling like all he is to me is a friend. I mean I just don't have that desire. And this didn't happen over night this is something that has been going on for a long time...years. I remember him saying "well maybe you have a hormone imbalance" because I wasn't into sex as much as him. The funny thing is I just wasn't into sex with him. Not because of looks or anything I can't even place my finger on one thing but I know that the desire went out the window. I am still try to get thing back but I can't help to think ..for what. My heart is saying one thing and my mind is saying another. Lost
Author jennsana Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 Well I thought I would give a quick up date... nothing has changed. I am writing this for others who might read...don't live an unhappy life and not say anything.!!! I am a sorry sack of a person. I need to act like an adult and share my feelings with him. I feel like I am living a double life and I hate it. I feel sorry for myself and I am beginning to hate me. As much as I try I still see my husband as just my friend...how did this happen. I am a mess...Men please , from someone who needs a guys opinon...honest opinon..how do I tell him I don't love him anymore......
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 How did you go from this: You are right . I would feel like if I didn't try now I would regret it later. to this: Men please , from someone who needs a guys opinon...honest opinon..how do I tell him I don't love him anymore...... In 10 days? Mr. Lucky
what2donow Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Hi Jenn... just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling like this. I've been married almost 18 years now and I feel the same for my husband. Your lucky that you don't have any kids involved like I do. I haven't been involved with MM for 5 months now and I'm still waiting for those feelings for my H to come Have you talked to your H at all about this? Have you suggested MC? Are you in IC? Even if he won't do MC, I strongly suggest you try IC. It really helped me get my emotions under control. Have you been on the marriage builders website? Have you read any books, like Divorce Busting? What actions have you taken to try and revive things in your marriage? Those feelings, or really the lack of feelings, for your H won't fix themselves.
Author jennsana Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 I understand that what I write one day is one thing and then the next is another. Plain and simple...I am so confused. My H is a good man. he truely loves me. But I think my ideas on this relatioship and his are different. I don't feel love anymore,...not for nothing but I don't think any counselor in the world is going to change that. I t has happened over a period of time that we ..I slipped away. I think it is my fault for not saying anything earlier...I am confused that I don't know if this is the one and only or if I should try it on my own. the feeling is overwhelming. I know he loves me...he does nice things for me every once and awhile but I feel nothing., Maybe I am just a !@%*# who is making a really bad decision who is about to ruin someones elses life, but is it fair to him to go on feeling this way and pretending that everything is ok?
Author jennsana Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 How do I start this conversation with him without him getting on the defense? I feel I need to spill my guts on how I feel or I am going to go crazy. Lost
Mr. Lucky Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 How do I start this conversation with him without him getting on the defense? I feel I need to spill my guts on how I feel or I am going to go crazy. Lost Let's see, jennsana. My plan is to have you lie down on the driveway so I can run over you with the car. How can I best prepare you conversationally for the experience ? You need to come to terms with the fact that you are blowing up his life. If you truly don't see any other way, simply go find him right now and tell him. Easier in the long run on both of you... Mr. Lucky
Author jennsana Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 Thank you Mr. lucky for your kind words. I came to this forum because I thought there were people out there to give support and advice, not tear them a new #%*. I understand what I am about to do is going to hurt him but if it was you wouldn't you rather have me tell you how I feel then go on pretending. I care for him but I want to be with someone who I desire. someone who I can't wait to hug and kiss at the end of the day. I want to share days with and wish they would never end. My husband is a good man and he loves me I just wish I felt the same. Don't you think people change and with that change the love dies?....I can't be the only one who feels this way. Lost...
what2donow Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 No, you are definately not the only one that feels that way. It's going on 6 months now, and no new feelings -- or return of old love. I have told my H that my love for him has changed. It wasn't pretty, but I did feel like he should know. He actually asked me one day how I felt about him, so I decided to tell him. I posted about it here, and was told I might have been too honest and maybe she was right. However, I do feel better that H knows where I stand. I've told him I don't feel a connection with him. I guess you need to decide if you're REALLY ready for you marriage to end before you tell him. When I told my H, there were tears, anger, and so much pain. I know he still loves me, is in love with me, and that just makes this all so much harder. Even though I sometimes don't want to work on the M, I have to for my kids sake, to try and honor the promise I made to H, and mostly, I owe it to H. I asked in a previous post about counseling, and I don't think you answered -- have you gone to see a couselor/therapist? If not, I stronly suggest you do. I did for about 2 months and it did help for me to look at things a little more objectively. I probably would have left the M. Since things aren't any better, I think I will go back. Like you, I don't know what a therapist could say/do that would bring back my love, but I know I have to try everything I can. I think I've proven to myself I can't do it on my own. Please keep posting. There are some here are going through the same, and we're not all into that "tough love" posting. (((hugs)))
Mr. Lucky Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I understand what I am about to do is going to hurt him but if it was you wouldn't you rather have me tell you how I feel then go on pretending. Yes, I would want to know for two reasons. One, I couldn't address any problem that I don't know about. And two, I wouldn't want to spend the rest of MY life with a spouse that felt that way about me. I feel you owe him your respect, love and affection. But, failing that, you at least owe him honesty... Mr. Lucky
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