sosad26 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I fell in love with someone who sodomized me the first time we got together. I never reported it because I let him charm his way out of it. I didn't want to accept that he could be capable of something so evil and wrong. I didn't want to ruin his career as a doctor and officer in the navy. I tried to be everything to this person. I was the live in "wifee". Because he is a doctor, a psychiatrist rather and was on call all the time, I wanted to make it easier for him so that all he had to do when he came home was go to bed. I cooked, I cleaned, I did his laundry and folded his clothes to his liking, I did everything for him, and then I moved away for a job. I am a Junior architect and it took me a year and 7 months to find my job after graduation. When I told him he acted as if everything was ok, and I would only be 3.5 hours away. Long story short He dumped me day before yesterday through a series of 10 text messages basically saying no matter how strong feelings are, he never saw us working on that level but I have and always will have a place in his heart. I am not trying to be funny, but what kind of crap is that? He moved on, has a girlfriend now who he cheated on with me when he came up here to visit me ( I just found this out because he never spoke of this relationship). I know I deserve better, but it still hurts like hell and I think it is so unfair for lack of a better word that he has moved on and I am stuck in an area where I still don't really know anyone, and haven't met anyone. I have lived here for a year and a month and I am so tired of doing everything by myself. My family is 3.5 hrs away as well as the few friends I do have and they are all tired of hearing about "The Good Doctor" who they despise on a level that if in his presence they would definitely cause him bodily harm. This is why I am writing, to possibly get some help in copeing with this. This was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and now that has ended. Please help.
daisydo Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 We are here for you. It will be difficult but you can get through this. I would first take a look at your own post. The first thing you said was that he sodomized you and from the context I take it that it was not consensual. So the fist time you ever got together are you saying it was a date-rape like situation? This is your first clue to this man's character. Why would you have stayed with someone like this who you describe as "evil"? I would recommend some individual counseling to help you figure out why this man was part of your life to begin with. Secondly, I would stop worrying about this man and worry about yourself! You need to build up some self-esteem and do things that make you happy. I know it is hard but the worst thing you can do is sit around and sulk and obsess about the situation. Get out there and take a walk around the block. If you don't have any friends how about adopting a pet for some companionship until you feel comfortable going out and meeting people? If you get a dog you can take it for walks and possibly meet some other people around your new neighborhood. You definitely hold some resentment and hostility towards this man but do not let it build up inside you. Don't let that bitterness take hold and travel with you in your life. I would recommend reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. It has helped me a great deal in understanding interpersonal relationships and also how to cope with anger and pain. Counseling is also a must in this relationship. I know your ex was a shrink himself but don't let that shape your opinion of the field as a whole. There are some great psychologists out there who can help you get back on your feet. You already have what sounds like a great career - now it's time to get your personal life and mental health in order. Take care of yourself and turn to LS when you need to. We are here to listen. Take care and good luck.
norajane Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Please consider going to some counseling to help you, both in coping with your heartbreak, but also in coping with his treatment of you with the sodomy and throughout your relationship. You've obviously got a good head on your shoulders and are capable of taking care of yourself, so it is NOT beyond you to recover from this bad relationship, and your traumatic sexual history. There must be a way for you to make some friends in your new city. If nothing else, try some volunteer activity. You may meet some nice people, but helping others has a way of making you feel better about yourself. Also, try reaching out to the people you work with on a friendship level. Organize a little get together after work, or plan a small party at your place and invite them. Invite your neighbors over for a post-holiday getting-to-know you party. Join an architecture association or something and meet people on that level. Good luck to you!
RocketMan2 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Wow, it sounds like this guy has really messed you around Im really sorry for you. Correct me if im wrong, but from here it sounds like you've got a lot of issues spinning round in your head, which are probably getting mixed together so you dont know what to think any more! I think it would be good for you to try and separate the issues out, and determine how each one individually makes you feel. That was the problem with me. As soon as i thought id come to terms with one issue, the other issues would reinstate it because i was trying to figure out how they all connected. It just doesnt work like that You sound like you behaved in a similar way to me in my last relationship. I let my ex walk all over me, and everyone could see it apart from me. I guess thats where the comment about your friends come in, because they could objectively see him for the horrible person he really is. Use this as a learning opportunity. A mistake is only a mistake if you dont learn anything from it, cliche, but true. You need to take some time out for youself and work on YOU. Go for full blown NO CONTACT. That means get rid of anything that reminds you of him, delete his number, everything. Taking time away safe in the knowledge you wont be communicating will make you see things in a whole different light, trust me. It will make you feel a whole lot better. wrt your first comment, I suggest you do see a professional. There is no shame in seeing a psychiatrist or councellor Youve admitted to yourself already that you know he's not a very nice person. So what is it that you miss? What are your feelings of hurt actually about? I know im being blunt but it wasnt until people were blunt with me that i realised what my issues were. Why did you want to spend the rest of your life him? Re-read your own post, look what your saying! Keep us posted
Author sosad26 Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I think I fell in love with the potiential of the relationship itself, an Architect and a Doctor. He was very humble about his profession in the begining saying things like wow, I'm a doctor which later turned into him having a "big head" to now, he has a "God complex". I decided that he was the devil incarnate when I received his text messages saying that it would never work on that level, and I got to thinking about how much time I had wasted holding on to a dream only viewed by myself. I think he never saw me that way and intentionally strung me along. He couldn't even call to say it. I thought about how I allowed him to treat me thinking honestly, wow a doctor. I realize I am worth so much more, but my heart still hurts?
RocketMan2 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I think I fell in love with the potiential of the relationship itself, an Architect and a Doctor. He was very humble about his profession in the begining saying things like wow, I'm a doctor which later turned into him having a "big head" to now, he has a "God complex". I decided that he was the devil incarnate when I received his text messages saying that it would never work on that level, and I got to thinking about how much time I had wasted holding on to a dream only viewed by myself. I think he never saw me that way and intentionally strung me along. He couldn't even call to say it. I thought about how I allowed him to treat me thinking honestly, wow a doctor. I realize I am worth so much more, but my heart still hurts? This post isnt even an hour after your first and you sound like youve already got a different outlook! You will have relapses. Accept that they will happen and when they do, you'll know youre just being stupid. That will help you put it out of your mind. That was a key point to me. Whenever i feel myself getting down again, i think to myself, "im bound to have relapses, but remember how you really feel, dont let the emotion take over". It gets easier every time. Your heart is bound to still hurt. It wont go away quickly, but keep reminding youself as to why you shouldnt be together. What did he do that really annoyed you? Go on, write down a list in reply this. Go completely over the top in detail, let it all out...
daisydo Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Doctors can sometimes be a piece of work. My uncle is a doctor and he is engaged to someone my age! (He is 50+, I'm 24). I'm not trying to bash the group as a whole - but I think that being a doctor can sometimes entail a really inflated ego. This will be hard but you can and will get through this. You call him the devil incarnate. Just keep telling yourself that you deserve a LOT better than that. He isn't even in the realm of men you should be with. He is far below you and you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and warmth. Just keep giving yourself positive reinforcement. Imagine what your ideal situation is. Dream it. Write down goals or even make a collage of the things you want in your life. Then take some steps in that direction. Your heart is going to hurt - but every time you think about him - take a look at that list or collage and realize that he doesn't fit into your big picture. You have your own life and your dreams and that is far more important than his petty behavior and attitude. Good luck and keep posting if you need more support.
RocketMan2 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Imagine what your ideal situation is. Dream it. Write down goals or even make a collage of the things you want in your life. Then take some steps in that direction. Your heart is going to hurt - but every time you think about him - take a look at that list or collage and realize that he doesn't fit into your big picture. Thats a good one, ill have to remember that
Author sosad26 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 What everyone is saying makes sense. I think it was when RocketMan2 said basically that I could enjoy the fact in knowing that we would not be communicating, I thought to myself, that's good, I never looked at it that way. I realized that I have lost focus of what I find truly important because I have spent so much of my time worring about him, don't get me wrong, I've been trying to do something everyday, even before the text message dumping, to make myself happy but it would always be to limited avail because my focus would soon go back to the same place. Now, I feel like I can fully enjoy the things that make me happy, discover new things, re-discover left things with out thinking of him. I don't have to any more. His opinion no longer matters. I spoke with my mother and she made me realize that I would've out grown him and become bored. He would never have understood my passion for painting and never accepted my success because it would have interfered with his own tyranical reign over everything in his life, everything is and was about him in his mind. I am not a traditional person and I could not live my life being controlled, by anyone let alone him. So deep down I know it is for the best, and it is starting to hurt less and less. Time heals everything, and I feel as though I've given him far too much time already (not saying there won't be relapses, but I can also choose not to there in my mind) but in time I wil be back to my old self...free. Thank you again for your ensight. Truly eye-opening.
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