I am lost...

[ManinGrey]

Hi, all.

 

My story is a very long one- but necessary, as I am so lost and am in dire need of advice.

 

I started dating a girl at a very young age of 16, she was 15- she was my first serious girlfriend. I broke up with her six months into the relationship because of distance- we both went to seperate schools and lived at both ends of town. Due to circumstances, I also had to work, so I rarely saw her, once a week if we were lucky, additonally, she also had problems with depression and I could not handle the stress. So I broke up with her, because I felt it was not fair that I couldn't be there for her to help her with her problems on top of my own.

 

We both remained friends for a while, but I was still much in love with her- even when I started dating someone else. It was a very difficult period of our lives, I realized that I still loved her and found myself thinking about her all the time even when I was with the other girl. The relationship was very brief, I broke up with the new girl and soon afterwards, I asked the girl out again- this was eight years ago.

 

We were very much in love, we had so much in common- we shared our love for outdoor activities, we both wrote each other poems and we cherished our time together. We probably only had maybe 10 major disagreements over the years, we got along with each other very well- we both respected each other's time and space, she was never a jealous person, she always encouraged me to go out occasionally with friends without her. She was a wonderful person, except one little thing: she has a history of depression. She was depressed when I met her, she seemed to turn around for the better when we started dating, and took a turn for the worst when we broke up for the first time.

 

She started seeing a counsellor and started working on herself- she was doing okay for a while until we got back together. She was fine for several years, I suppose. Our problems started about three years ago- we both didn't see it coming. We moved out together and we lived together for the past four years until last February when I finally called it quits for the second time.

 

The changes occured slowly over time- at first, she slowly started declining invitations by me or other people to go out to do things. She became obsessed with her art work- she would spend hours and hours holed up in the studio room, painting and reading newspaper with a glass of wine after work. I couldn't understand why she never wanted to go anywhere, and it became a big problem later on- I was having problems myself, with work and life in general- I was not happy with my job and were having problems with family. We both didn't have very many friends, so we both became isolated together, yet we were distant.

 

She had a friend, who she would occasionally go for drinks, I don't know if it makes any difference that he was a male friend of hers. While she would refuse to go out with me or anyone else, she still went out occasionally, maybe once a month with him. I took this personally- I started to accuse her of cheating on me while she would swear that she wasn't. I often tried to talk to her how I wasn't happy, that I wanted her to change some things that she was doing- I wanted her to go out and do things with me, but then she would complain that I was always on the computer or inviting other people out with us. This continued for a very long time until a couple of years ago.

 

A female friend of mine came back in touch with me and our group of mutual friends- she used to date my best friend but lost touch after they broke up. We became very good friends, I suddenly found someone else to hang out with, and went to do things with her often. My girlfriend at the time started working two jobs, as she wanted to save up for school- so I rarely saw her. I used the time to hang out with my female friend- my girlfriend resented this, but understood because she was never around, so she left it alone. However, it was still a problem, with her friend and my friend. I found myself confiding more and more in my female friend, and less in my girlfriend as time went on. I started thinking that maybe I wasn't in love with her anymore, and started resenting the fact she was never around anymore. And that when she WAS around, she wanted to be alone, arguing that since she worked so much, she would rather use what precious time she had left to recharge herself.

 

I finally had enough- we both had problems that we couldn't pinpoint exactly what, and how to solve anything. I called it quits, some time after her birthday- I told her I was no longer in love with her. This break up was devastating for her- as it was for myself as well, because we were each other's first loves, and first everything's. I wanted to marry her, even, I got her THREE rings over the years- I truly loved her. but I couldn't do it anymore, we were so unhappy. So we broke up, and it'll nearly be a year now since.

 

I'm 23, and she'll be 23 soon.

 

Soon after the break up, she went back to therapy on the advice of my mother, who suspected that she was suffering from depression again, suggested that she go back and see. She found out that she was suffering from depression for a very long time, at least for 3 years- this was devastating for her. She got diagnosed with clinical depression, and in the mean time, she was in the middle of moving out of the house we shared together, she was also working on her portifolio to submit to the college she wanted to go to. It was a very stressful time fo her- I avoided being at my house, often opting to stay at my female's friend's house, until she finally moved out in MArch.

 

She tried to tell me that since she found out her diagnosis, she wasn't HER for the last few years and she didn't know it- I wouldn't believe her, because I thought she was saying that to get me to come back. I was afraid that if I took her back, she would change back to her old ways, often like how when I would tell her I was unhappy, she would change some things, things would be peachy for a couple of months then things would go back the way they were again. It was a vicious cycle for both of us and I wasn't willing to go through that. She tried so hard to convince me.

 

Looking back now, I shouldn't have let her stick around the way she did- but I did it because I didn't want her to go completely. I still loved her, but I was convinced I wasn't in love with her.

 

We continued to sleep with each other often, we did everything a couple did, except we weren't a couple. I told her I didn't want to commit. She often asked me for answers that I didn't have, why I broke up with her. She started to change slowly, for the better- she started becoming more active again, going out with me, and friends on her own- I still wasn't convinced for some reason that she had really changed. In the mean time, I became more closer to my female friend- although she was dating someone else, I found myself liking her more than a friend.

 

My ex saw this happening and started to question me and her- she wasn't the only one, everyone else started asking questions. Her boyfriend often had a problem with us hanging out, because we both were spending some nights at each other's houses. We both denied it- because we didn't do anything that crossed the friends boundaries. This raised the tension level a few months ago- my ex finally had enough and told me she was done with me- she was tired of waiting for me. She realized that she needed to change for the better, not for me, but for her. So she started hanging out with me even less, although we still hooked up occasionally, until she finally went NC. She just couldn't handle it anymore- I was still doing things like pulling her down on the couch to snuggle with her, and were still telling her we weren't dating. So I understood, but I found that I started missing her terribly when she went NC. I still saw her around occasionally when people got together, and when we did, I attempted to talk to her often ending the conversations with us both in emotional distress.

 

As Nc continued, I kept hanging out with my female friend... until she ended things with her boyfriend. I was convinced that I was falling in love with her, but I still missed my ex terribly. This was around the same time I asked her if we could try just being friends- since I realized that I still wanted her in my life and couldn't live without her. She agreed. I don't know if this was a mistake.

 

As soon as my female friend broke up with her boyfriend, the next night we got drunk and slept together. My ex was in the middle of her midterm week when this happened, so we decided to hold off the news and let her know after she was done with the exams. Everyone knew but her. So finally, one night, it was wing night at a pub we all frequented, I sat her down and told her that I finally slept with my female friend- I did not expect her to take it well at all. I told her I was falling in love with my friend, and this devastated her. She called me all sorts of names and left the bar without paying her tab. I followed her to her house because I was concerned about her- we sat down and talked. She said, "It's funny, you wanted to marry me once."

 

My reply? "I did, but how am I supposed to know when you're the one if I've never seen what's out there?"

 

She accused me of lying to her when she asked me if there was anything going on with me and my female friend, since the last time she asked was two weeks prior. I denied, because nothing happened, but still, things changed rather quickly that it must have looked bad on my end. She told me she wanted nothing to do with me and my female friend, she essentially cut me out of her life. She told me she was so hurt that I broke NC under the white flag of friendship, and ended up doing the very thing that she always suspected was going on. This was the lowest period of my life, I felt so badly how much I hurt her- yet I was so confused, I had feelings for my female friend, yet I loved my ex still. For the next few weeks, she refused to answer my texts, emails or calls. I missed her presence, I found myself thinking of her even when I was with my female friend.

 

It became worse when she started dating someone else, I found myself feeling jealous that she was someone else's girlfriend. This didn't last for very long- she had a journal online- she wrote that it wasn't right she was with someone else when she still loved me. So she broke it off for that reason and it made me happy for some reason, that she was single once again. I contacted her again one more time, in hopes of us becoming friends again- she agreed, stating that she no longer cared what it was that I did with my female friend.

 

Why am I still calling my female friend, 'friend', not girlfriend? If you recall earlier in this post, I mentioned that I broke up with my ex because I couldn't deal with commitment any longer. Well, I told my female friend this also, that I couldn't commit to her either, so she settled to just continue sleeping with me. I believe this was a mistake, but it happened anyway. However, this is where things get even more screwed up.

 

Since I started missing my ex, I started thinking maybe I was still in love with my ex, and I told her this. So we started hooking up occasionally, even though I was upfront with my ex that I was still sleeping with my female friend, I wasn't with my friend. I was being selfish, I know. It became worse, when I found out my friend got pregnant, so she had to get an abortion, it was her choice completely- I helped pay the bill. We both never told anyone until...

 

This continued for a month or so, until my ex finally went to my female friend's house in hopes to mend things with her, she was friends with her until she found out we both slept together. My female friend asked her if we were still sleeping together, and since she had no reason to lie, she told her, under the assumption that I had been upfront with my friend. She freaked out on me- needless to say, it was a terrible night for all of us. My ex also found out about the abortion- "Even though it has nothing to do with me, it hurts me terribly that you got someone else pregnant in less than two months when I have never once gotten pregnant in eight years. Your irresponsiblity hurts me."

 

The very next night, she packed up everything I ever gave her- all the pictures, poems, rings, you name it- she dropped it off at my house and left without a word. She finally had enough, she said that, "If you really loved me, you would find a way to be with me, she certainly couldn't stop you. But you're still going back and forth, I deserve better." I was still confused, I was still telling her that I loved her but still couldn't be with her. I couldn't commit to my friend either, because I didn't love her.

 

My ex hasn't been talking to me much. I finally went to the doctor a month ago, and mentioned to her that I might be depressed. I often paid visits to the doctors for symptoms, yet it never occured to both of us that it was depression. She looked back at my history and said it might explain all of my odd symptoms- that I have been depressed for a very long time as well. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. It wasn't just my ex who had problems, it was also me. We were BOTH depressed and we didn't even know it. We fed off on each other, and became dependent on each other. My ex nowadays is a lot better- she's pretty much the person I first fell in love with- and it's causing me grief. I believe her now, but she's gone now.

 

She knows that I'm going to therapy now, and wishes me the best. We both agreed that depression probably caused most of the problems in our relationship before we broke up. I've been lying to myself, trying to convince myself that I wasn't IN love with her. It's been only recent that I've realized that I've been lying to everyone, her included, and worse of all, myself that I wasn't in love with her. I am. She's now with someone else, and it causes me so much anguish- I truly want her to be happy, but the thought of her being with someone else causes me so much pain. I am still with my female friend, although now, she's my girlfriend- I don't love her the way I do my ex.

 

We recently had a fight- I saw my ex with her new so at a pub earlier in the month- she completely ignored me after a quick hello. It bothered me so much, and it upset my gf that it bothered me. She told me that she could see it that I was still in love with my ex, and felt that she would never have my love 100%. Since that fight, things haven't been the same. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for all the things I have done to both the women. I saw that things probably would go sour with my current gf, relationship/friendship wise, but I know that I can't let my ex go- I still desire to be her friend and maybe one day, we'll be together again, I'd like to be with her. I never stopped loving her, this I know.

 

My question is that.... what do I do? I told my current gf chances of things working out were very slim. Because I don't love her. I don't think I even care if things work out with her or not, at the risk of coming across as a selfish azz. How do I even begin to mend things? Are things beyond repair? My ex told me that she forgave me for all the things that happened, as she realizes it was beyond both of our control- but the question of friendship still seems dubious at best. I want to make it up to her- but how? I told her that I was still in love with her, and I was convinced that I wanted to be with her. She looked at me sadly, and said, "Sure you do, but there's nothing we can do about it. I'm with someone else, and you are with her. I won't do it anymore, however much I still love you, I can't."

 

My ex is probably one of the most strongest/wisest person I have ever known. She still found it in herself to forgive me, and even more, to love me still. This sort of thing would break most people apart forevermore, yet I feel that our bond has become even more stronger. I still feel the need to make it up to her somehow. I am going to continue attending therapy to sort out my own issues, and I plan on ending things with my girlfriend, because it isn't right that I am even with her when I am still working on myself, she deserves to have someone love her 100% and I can't give her that.

 

Do I just let the love of my life go? What is the right thing to do?