IWalkAlone Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 On a regular basis, someone will post and ask "Why can't I find someone?" and get the advice "stop looking and you'll find someone." But does this really work for most people? I find that during periods when I'm not looking, I tend to spend my free time watching DVDs or playing on the computer by myself, hanging with the the same groups of friends I've known for years, not putting my self out there in situations where I'm more likely to meet someone, and not taking the initiative to strike up a conversation with attractive women I might see at the mall or in a supermarket. Yes, I've known some guys for whom "not looking" seems to work and repeatedly find dates & girlfriends with little or no effort & trouble. But they're those fortunate guys who are either very good looking or have that mysterious "it" that draws single women to them like moths to streetlight. You'll have to agree that in our culture, it is ususally the man who has to take the initiative to approach a woman, generate enough interest to get a phone number, ask for dates, and push the relationship forward. But then there is the danger of appearing too desparate or needy, which is a turn-off to women. I know that a guy shouldn't call four times a day, give roses or talk about marraige plans on the first couple of dates, but in most cases he does have to show some interest and take initiative in moving the relationhip forward. So how does a guy show the right amount interest without appearing desparate or needy?
andy212511 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 and that my confused friend is a question we will never know the answer to and one that drives men to their suicides on a daily basis.v:D
ash519 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 A better way to put it= "Stop trying so hard." When a man or woman is actively looking it is as if they are hunting for a person to date or hunting down a potential partner. Most members of the opposite sex can sense this and they therefore see this being desperate and is a turn off. We have all been guilty of this. My brother was always hunting...he would hit on lots of girls and be trying so hard he would come off as fake. Then he got fed up and decided to relax!!! That is the key!!! Within I'd say 3 months he met someone and has since moved in with her. So dont stop looking, just try and relax.
stace79 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I don't think there is any good definition or formula for giving the perfect amount of effort without appearing desperate or needy. You have to make an effort to go out, meet people, try new things and be friendly. Obviously being a hermit won't work. I will say this, even though I have a hard time following it myself, but you have to live your life, do things that you enjoy, spend time with friends and family, etc. Be active, do things that make you happy, etc. If you like sports, play on an intramural sports team or find a local hangout to watch games. If you like animals, volunteer at a shelter. If you like to read, visit local bookstores, libraries or join a book club. There are lots of ways to turn your personal interests into something you can do with other people, and then you're more likely to meet someone with similar interests as you. I wish I had the perfect answer....then I would be married and not using this board so much. =)
ash519 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Oh, and when you do approach a girl, make it seem like you are genuinely trying to be friends with her instead of date her. It will make the situation much more comfortable.
Author IWalkAlone Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Then there's the danger of falling into the "friend zone." I think it you need to establish early, but not in a too pushy or desparate way, that you want to be more than "friends." Comments?
blind_otter Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 On a regular basis, someone will post and ask "Why can't I find someone?" and get the advice "stop looking and you'll find someone." But does this really work for most people? It's always worked for me. So how does a guy show the right amount interest without appearing desparate or needy? I suppose he has to not really be so focused on getting a woman. But still be confident and put himself out there in situations where he will meet new people.
ash519 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Iwalkalone-I mean the initial first meeting. When you approach a woman or she approaches you try not to push it as a 'date potential' situation. Sit and enjoy your conversation relaxed and without the pressure of "i have to make this person like me, what if they say yes, what if they say no, try and impress her, say something good." Take away the pressure and just be yourself, and relax. But at the end of the initial meeting say "I'd love to get together sometime." and she/he will know there is more than a friendship interest there. Some of it sounds easier said than done but it's true. Pushing it in the friend zone I would say is by the time you end the first or even second date without a kiss. Then she will be confused and considered a friend. Does this make sense?
sb129 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Alot of people on LS have had bad experiences with online dating, but I met my man online, and I think he will be the father of my kids... The great thing about it is that you are putting yourself out there by saying "here i am I am available" without seeming needy or desperate, because everyone else is in the same situation. And the EXCELLENT thing about online dating is you can be very very fussy...ie only contact people of a certain level of education/ people with certain interests without hurting anyones feelings. Its just my experience, and I am lucky to have met such a great guy who is so right for me, but I think its worth a try. Once you get to the dating stage, I agree with what the others have said.
LaughMachine Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I think that " rule " applies to some things, but always trying to find someone may not be in peoples best interest. Always keep your options open and always know that even if you can't find someone through dating, you might find someone through doing things you like to do, other than trying to find someone. But staying at home on the computer isn't going to do you any luck. I think to some extent you just gotta lay low and stop trying to find the perfect someone. Sometimes if were lucky, that person will just pop out of the blue at the right time.
robkris8079 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Don't leave the house saying "I'm gonna find a girl today" but do leave your house! Get out there and go to the same places over and over again. Wether it be a coffee shop or supermarket or whatever, just go to the same one for awhile. When you go out have plenty of confidence and talk to everyone. Yes everyone, the good looking and not so good looking. Be happy with who you are and express that through your actions when you are out. You will get noticed this way.
pink smartie Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 What Robkris said. I generally agree with the 'don't try so hard' approach. Usually I got that advice when I would let my single status affect my self-esteem. I've learned to chill out about it and just enjoy meeting as many people as possible.
My Fair Katie Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I'm not sure if this helps, but I always noticed that when I was comfortable with myself, happy being single and having fun without men, I exuded confidence which made me more attractive and men more likely to approach me in social situations. So when people say you have to find someone by not looking I think that's what they mean. Be happy with yourself and don't NEED someone else and people will be naturally interested in you because you become an interesting person to them. Does that make any sense or does it just confuse it more? Sorry, enough platitudes from Katie today.
Author IWalkAlone Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Sometimes I've wished that I there was a switch inside me that would just turn off my desire for women and a desire for sex. But I haven't been able to find it. When I assess my life, the only thing that's missing is "her." She isn't not a specific "her," its a "her" that compliments me emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and sexually. If I could turn off that need/want, then it wouldn't matter that she's not around. But I'm not able to do that, and everything I've read suggests that this is a basic human need. And besides, everone else didn't find their spouse by not needing a spouse. So how can just not need someone?
AriaIncognito Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I've never found someone when I was "looking" or felt i "needed" someone. I think it truly is a combination of what a lot of posters have said. You need to get out and meet people without setting expectations on yourself. You need to be happy being single/with your situation. I think I always just got to a point where I was like "well, this is what life is now so I might as well enjoy it". Matter of fact, when I met my now ex (guy I dated from 2004-2005) he had to convince me to give up the idea of being single and to see myself in a couple again. I had been single for so long that I got used to it's freedom and didn't know if i really wanted to disturb that and risk being hurt. I wish I could always get back to that place, so that being single would be easier, but it's definitely tough. The best thing I did for myself, was join some online social groups that meet up in my area doing things like skating, seeing bands, bowling, etc. These groups have opened up a world of people to me, and even if they aren't for dating per se, at least I'm getting out there. You never know when a friend of a friend could be the one...
orangehose Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I agree with you, IWalkAlone, about the "stop looking and you'll get someone" advice - I don't think it works that well, especially for introverts. Obviously, no one should obsess over not having an SO, but I think many of us - introverts and less-than-gorgeous people especially - need to put in an active effort if we want a relationship. We can't just go to the supermarket or coffee shop and expect to get hit on or find viable prospects. Online may not be a bad way to go... As for a partner being a basic human need - I'm not sure I agree, having spent most of my adult life single and not feeling like I'm missing something. Some of the things a partner offers are basic human needs, but you can satisfy those needs in other ways.
Author IWalkAlone Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 I do have friends that offer comapnionship, and for sex there's porn, but I find that doesn't quite do it for me.
Recommended Posts