princessa Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 When we broke up I told him that the survival of the relationship would now be in his hands, and that if he didn't intend on fixing it then I'd leave. Of course he wanted to go the easy route, and said, "let's just be friends for now". To which I replied that since we now officially broke up, I'd prefer if he never contacted me again. And he respected my wishes. Its been 11 days and still no peep from him. I hoped so much that he'd change his mind and call and tell me that he really wanted me in his life and would do whatever it takes. I guess I just wasn't as important as he let me believe. It's hard to be faced with this reality. I know what I have to do, and I know why I'm doing it.. but it's just so damn hard. I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for, I know not to budge from NC, I know that I need to keep busy, I know this was the right decision.... But I can't help the constant feeling of being torn apart from the inside of my guts. Thanks for listening, I'm off to have a celebratory smoke.
Guest Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Just one breath at a time. When the emotions start to violently thrash, just focus on taking one breath at a time, one step at a time. (Literally, just close your eyes and just think about breathing.) I think the first 2 weeks of NC are definitely the hardest. I admire you for being able to stay committed to NC. What I did was I made it a game and challenged myself. I first tried for 1 day of NC, then 2 days, then 3 days, then 1 week. Every benchmark I hit, I became more proud for having hit it and it gave me strength to rise to the next one. He WILL contact you if you keep this up, it is inevitable. The challenge for you is going to be to not care when he does. Good luck on the road ahead, it is not as dark as you might see it right now.
shockandawed Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Hope you enjoyed your smoke, I understand everything you said. I got to have the "good closure" on Monday with the return of the diamond. I put the ball in her court without being to needy. She sent some excel files to me on Wednesday. She had made some records for a tournament I run in the spring. I simply sent her a thank you. Of course read into why she sent them all day. I miss her so much and feel like such crap, but I know in my heart NC is the way. Hang in there Princessa!
CaliGuy Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Pricessa, are you implementing NC to get him back or to heal? If it's the former, then it's for the wrong reasons. If is't he latter, you shouldn't care if he is contacting you or not. In fact, be glad he is respecting your wishes. He could be a real jerk and keep stringing you along toying with your feelings, keeping you on the line and not allowing you to move on. Forget him. You need to do that in order to heal. It doesn't matter where he goes, what he does or who he is with. All that matters right now is you, your healing and moving on. I'm guessing that when you are fully healed you won't even want the guy anymore.
Author princessa Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Well my plan was like this.. start NC.. give him 2-3 weeks to change his mind and accept what I initially required for the relationship to continue. Then if he didn't change his mind by then I'd continue NC with the purpose of forgetting him and healing.
RocketMan2 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 ooooo dangerous. Why give yourself the deadline? All youre doing is delaying the pain. Start getting over it now. If and when he comes back, you'll be in a much better position to evaluate the situation. Im sure that was youre advice to me the other day!
Author princessa Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 ooooo dangerous. Why give yourself the deadline? All youre doing is delaying the pain. Start getting over it now. If and when he comes back, you'll be in a much better position to evaluate the situation. Im sure that was youre advice to me the other day! I'm a person who functions better with deadlines. If I don't completely believe in my heart that it's over and I should forget about him, then NC might not be successful. I was estimating that after 2 weeks of him not even trying to reach out to me, I'd be pissed enough to believe that he's just not that into me, giving me perfect grounds to forget about him completely.
RocketMan2 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I was estimating that after 2 weeks of him not even trying to reach out to me, I'd be pissed enough to believe that he's just not that into me, giving me perfect grounds to forget about him completely.Are you sure? I THOUGHT that. Why two weeks, do you KNOW exactly how hes coping, how long it will take him to realise whatever it is you want him to, if he ever will? I kept making excuses for my ex as to why she'd need x amount of time before she saw sense. For me it was her being stressed out about exams until..some date around now ish actually. Imagine if id been putting it off until now, Id still be in the state i was then, today! Thankfully you guys made me realise it wasnt going to happen. Maybe im wrong, but you sound awfully like I was, in a dreamy world of "they need time, oh theyll come round". Luckilly i realised after a few days what i was doing and managed to get out of that trap fast! Just dont want you to do the same thing thats all
daisydo Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 It took a month and a half for my ex to find the error in his ways. Then I got the call. I am not saying this will happen to you in two days, months or years. It is different for everyone and many times they don't call at all. You need to prepare yourself for all scenarios. How do you do that? Forget about him and focus on yourself. That is a constant. The only person you truly will spend the rest of your life with is yourself. So work on that! Read, call up a friend, go get your favorite coffee, take a walk, go rent your favorite movie - all of these things will help you on that road to recovery. And if he happens to call you up, you will be in a far better position to make a logical decision about the relationship. It is a win-win. Best of luck to you.
FallenTree Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Yay for you! 11 days of NC is hardcore. It getes easier as the days go on. Don't fret. One day you'll be so glad you did NC.
Teacher's Pet Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Keep up the good work. It's so hard at first, but it DOES get better. Take it from me. -tp NC, day 214 (holy crap!)
magichands Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Pricessa, are you implementing NC to get him back or to heal? If it's the former, then it's for the wrong reasons. Counting the days is a cool idea. And yes, I saw that, tp.
hrtbroken99 Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 When we broke up I told him that the survival of the relationship would now be in his hands, and that if he didn't intend on fixing it then I'd leave. Of course he wanted to go the easy route, and said, "let's just be friends for now". To which I replied that since we now officially broke up, I'd prefer if he never contacted me again. And he respected my wishes. Its been 11 days and still no peep from him. I hoped so much that he'd change his mind and call and tell me that he really wanted me in his life and would do whatever it takes. I guess I just wasn't as important as he let me believe. It's hard to be faced with this reality. I know what I have to do, and I know why I'm doing it.. but it's just so damn hard. I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for, I know not to budge from NC, I know that I need to keep busy, I know this was the right decision.... But I can't help the constant feeling of being torn apart from the inside of my guts. Thanks for listening, I'm off to have a celebratory smoke. hey...same boat again except its been 1.5months for me now of NC with my ex Like you, I also kept thinking and still do to some extent maybe he will call me or something....dont see that happening any time soon...same as you I guess I wasnt important to him in the first place and all that marriage, kids, love BS he claimed was never there in the first place. It is really really hard. I am SO tempted to call him but I havent. It is also REALLY hard to stay busy. Even when I am doing an activity he is constantly on my mind. I dont know how to erase it. I wish you the best...and remember you are not alone..I am here suffering also:mad:
norajane Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I hoped so much that he'd change his mind and call and tell me that he really wanted me in his life and would do whatever it takes. I guess I just wasn't as important as he let me believe. It's hard to be faced with this reality. Don't think that way!!! I'm sure you were very important to him and he loved what you had together. Unfortunately, that doesn't always mean that he knows how to handle it, treasure it, and nurture it. It doesn't mean he's capable of being mature and treating you the way you deserve to be treated. He may be flawed and stupid to let you go, but that doesn't mean his feelings weren't real or that you weren't important.
Author princessa Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Don't think that way!!! I'm sure you were very important to him and he loved what you had together. Unfortunately, that doesn't always mean that he knows how to handle it, treasure it, and nurture it. It doesn't mean he's capable of being mature and treating you the way you deserve to be treated. He may be flawed and stupid to let you go, but that doesn't mean his feelings weren't real or that you weren't important. That sounds reasonable.. thanks NJ..... Blah I broke NC yesterday and sent him a short text, just saying that I miss him. I have been going out a lot lately and meeting all sorts of people... and well, many times it just jumps in my face how difficult I am to deal with sometimes.. it reminded me how much I enjoyed spending time with him... So I thought I'd let him know that I miss him a lot.. I know it's bad for me but I wanted him to know that... Oh well, at least I didn't dial his number.
pricillia Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Yes sometimes one person gives more that the other person does... and then sometimes the roles are reversed... But to tell the boyfriend that the relationship is in his hands makes the relationship one sided... both parties should put effort into working on the relationship, and give a little extra to make it work, if they love eachother then it will work out... NC fine but it seems that this relationship ended for a good reason and to heal and regroup is what is needed now. Take longer than two weeks I would try to regroup and start having positive thoughts... Is it possible that even though there are so many emotions between the two of you, it is so far gone that it is best to start fresh and learn from the past mistakes?
Author princessa Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 But to tell the boyfriend that the relationship is in his hands makes the relationship one sided... both parties should put effort into working on the relationship, and give a little extra to make it work, if they love eachother then it will work out... I said that because I've been putting much more effort into the relationship than he did for a while.. I had built up resentment and felt like I couldn't go back to having a fresh&new attitude unless I had the reassurance from him that he'd do certain things to show me that he wants to build something more solid. You gotta understand this guy, he's very vague in the way he speaks about everything, he will never give you a yes or no answer.. I knew that I couldn't even be nice to him unless he specifically promised me that he'd to these things because I had so much resentment accumulated inside.... NC fine but it seems that this relationship ended for a good reason and to heal and regroup is what is needed now. Take longer than two weeks I would try to regroup and start having positive thoughts... Is it possible that even though there are so many emotions between the two of you, it is so far gone that it is best to start fresh and learn from the past mistakes? It would be the best thing if we both could start fresh, strenghtened by past mistakes, and learn to know each other again.... But I don't really trust that he will learn from his / my mistakes and that's a big problem. I know that he has lots of resentment built up towards me because when I get pissed I say lots of very cruel things and I know it hurt him and he will never forget them. I also know that he's let me down lots of times in the past and I will never forget that either. For myself, I know that unless I get a promise from him that I should be a priority in his life, I can never start fresh again.. Sounds stupid, but I need him to make it clear to me, it's the only thing that will calm and reassure me. Otherwise how can I trust that it's not just yet another start of a "honeymoon" period thing?
pricillia Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I think that the problem may lie with lack of commitment on his part which hurts you and when those hurtfull things are said to him, it widens the gap between the two of you. When I said that you need to start fresh, I meant maybe with another person, for now, does not have to be forever, and if he is telling you that he wants to be freinds, then there may not be anything left, for now. How old is he, is he about your age?
Author princessa Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 I think that the problem may lie with lack of commitment on his part which hurts you and when those hurtfull things are said to him, it widens the gap between the two of you. Yeah I completely agree.. When I said that you need to start fresh, I meant maybe with another person, for now, does not have to be forever, and if he is telling you that he wants to be freinds, then there may not be anything left, for now. How old is he, is he about your age? What he means with his "friends" comment is that he doesn't want commitments, or be held responsible to meet my expectations. It's immature.. I don't know maybe age does have something to do with that.. he's 23 and I'm 21..
pricillia Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Yeah I completely agree.. What he means with his "friends" comment is that he doesn't want commitments, or be held responsible to meet my expectations. It's immature.. I don't know maybe age does have something to do with that.. he's 23 and I'm 21.. Yes so he is not ready to meet all of your needs, It is like beating your head against a wall, You may be in a different place then he is as far as commitments go. I would not hold that against him, try to be the best that you can be without expecting anything from him. If you do love him and want a future with him, the more you push the less likely that there will be one with him. You have more experiences to live through as well, don't be so hard on yourself or him.
Author princessa Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 We both have lots of issues, and I think it's hard for both of us to say whether we want a future together or not.. We do generally seem to agree that we love eachother though.. I don't know.. I don't even know if I want him back or not.. but I really hate the fact that we're becoming strangers like that.
JCD Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 A lot of guys his age will not want to commit to a long relationship because they want to experience life without settling down. Maybe you want a thirty year old something who is more mature. Anyways, I recommend both of you to discuss your issues and come to a conclusion so you could move on. Next time you do NC, tell him to contact you when he grows up instead of telling him not to contact you and then secretly hope he breaks that and contacts you. Good guys take orders very well so it's no wonder he took yours and is not contacting you. Guys have pride.
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