InterestedInLife Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Hi all, I have been dating my now, recently, ex for over 4 years. She's a great girl. Many guys would be happy with her. But for some reason, she's not the one for me. To be honest, I had doubts the whole time; every few weeks, every month or so, I would question why we were together, but then dismiss that and move forward. But then I got to really thinking, thinking about this issue, an issue I didn't really want to address (I am a great procrastinator ) So we had 2 weeks apart and being honest with myself, I didn't miss her as much as I should have. She was devastated at the idea of this time apart even though we have had some rough time recently; it was a rude surprise to her. I felt TERRIBLE to do this to her. I still do feel terrible. So after this 2 week break I said we should call it quits for now. What a sad day that was. Whenever I think of her I get so depressed, depressed about what she must be going through, her dreams shattered, the man she thought she was going to spend her life with no longer with her. Its depressing me just writing this! I can (quite easily) detach myself from this if I have nothing to remind me of her and go on my merry way with day to day activities. So that's an indication I have done the right thing for me even though I do have doubts sometimes. I think the doubts are more a case of me feeling sorry for her and wanting to do whatever I can to 'save' her from this emotional pain. But as friends have been telling me, its not a good reason/foundation to be with someone because you feel sorry for them. But its just so tough to know she's hurting so much because of me. Its so sad, she still has hope and she is so infatuated with me; I am her perfect man in her eyes, I hate to crush her hope. Anyway, enough of my depressing story and first post at this forum. Great forum by the way, always thought there must be a forum for this topic, like there is for just about ever other topic out there.
alissae97 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 You know, I am sorry that individuals do this to others. In relationships any time one has doubt it should be expressed. You have a right to your feelings and the other persons should have a right to your honesty. You have taken 4 years out of her life and time is valuable. You should never take someones love, time, and trust if u are not ready to return it. Indeed you should feel bad.
Distracted Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 tranquilisingScorpio- I think you are very brave to post here on a site where most of the people are in the position of you ex and quite angry with the person in your position. But the truth of the matter is that sometime things don't work and there is no rhyme or reason why. Its better that you made these realizations now rather than after you married this girl or had a child with her. I don't think you should feel guilty, assuming you handled ending things in a mature and caring way, but feeling sorry that she feels bad shows that you cared. If I were her, that would be comforting- I would find it reassuring to know I didn’t waste 4 years of my life with a guy who could walk away and feel nothing. Of course caring about someone is not enough to be a relationship with them. Anyhow, though much of the advice on this site is for the dumpee rather than the dumper, it can be good for you too. So many people here hold onto hopes because their ex contacts them, asks about them and what not. Do her a favor and don’t do these things… don’t contact her, don’t send her messages asking how she is, don’t ask your mutual friends, anything that you do in this vein will only be seen by her as a sign that you may be regretting your decision and make it that much harder for her to move forward. Let her go so she can let you go…
daisydo Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Four years is definitely a long time. It must be difficult for you to be going through this transition. I think a lot of people assume the dumper (as opposed to the dumpee) is on cloud nine and has no emotional problems regarding the break up. This is clearly not the case in this situation. Your ex will be fine if she takes the right steps.. Hopefully she has friends and family to turn to during this trying time. You are a very compassionate person so it must be difficult to see her going through this trauma. The only thing you can do is stay out of her way and let her find her own path to recovery. Getting involved would only lead to more heartache. Take this time to do things for yourself. After four years there must have been a part of you that needed some TLC. Take a class, exercise, write, draw, express yourself in a way you see fit. Anything to take your mind off of the break up. I would definitely follow a policy of absolute, iron-clad NC (no contact) and I hope she has the sense to do the same. If this break-up was a "must-do" then there is probably no chance of getting back together. Follow that instinct and do not contact her under any circumstances. It will only regress her healing - and I know you care about her and want to see her happy in the long run. Take care and best of luck to you.
RocketMan2 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Anyhow, though much of the advice on this site is for the dumpee rather than the dumper, it can be good for you too. So many people here hold onto hopes because their ex contacts them, asks about them and what not. Do her a favor and don’t do these things… don’t contact her, don’t send her messages asking how she is, don’t ask your mutual friends, anything that you do in this vein will only be seen by her as a sign that you may be regretting your decision and make it that much harder for her to move forward. Let her go so she can let you go… I strongly agree with this one. Her knowing youve shown even a slight interest in how she is will set her right off thinking you want her back. Again, providing you ended it maturely, which im going to bet you did, the best thing you can do if you care about her is not contact her. if she contacts you, maybe ignore it, but definately dont say anything which she can misinterpret as false hope. And trust me, she'll take anything you say the wrong way so be very careful. I just wish my ex who was in your situation could have been as nice as you. In the long run, when shes over the initial pain, she should have great respect you for how you handled it.
daphne Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Wow, the view must be nice from way up on your loft. Your description of your ex and how she feels about you is pretty condescending. I don't think you realize that at some point down the road, it's very possible you'll regret it. I find it funny how people like the feeling that they're in control and nothing can hurt them. It's an illusion. Mark my words.
notmakingsense Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I did not pick up on any condescending tone at all from his post. Not sure where you are getting that. The fact that he goes into depression when he thinks about it means he is human and caring. I'm a person who has been both a dumper and a dumpee (and more often the latter), and what he posted is just how it is. At some point, you realize that it wasn't meant to be -- and a good measure if the correctness is how you feel when you are apart from your ex. Just because you are a dumper doesn't make you the "bad guy". And, yes, all humans make mistakes and have regrets. That doesn't mean it is right to keep things going -- you have to be a person of your convictions and do what your gut is telling you to do. I do believe that being a dumper is *slightly* easier because you are in more control of the situation. But again, that doesn't highlight a character flaw, that is just being human, period.
Author InterestedInLife Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Thanks for all the replies. Some interesting information. My friends and relatives that I confide in all say what a few have said here, not to contact her where ever possible. This I do struggle with; I have always kept in contact with my ex girlfriends, in fact my best friend in a girlfriend from about 8 years ago. I would really want to her to still be in my life. I really hope that is possible, but I do see the point people are making on this topic. I guess it hinges on how she "recovers" if that's the right word (I have remained friends with an ex fiancee that broke up with me.) She rang today, I wasn't sure what to do, with the thought of avoiding her that many have put in my head. So let it go, she rang again and left a message saying sorry for calling me, that she had returned and item to Mum, and that she knows I don't want to speak to her and that she will get over it and after she finds a place to move into (and out of her mothers place) and I help her with the bond (which I promised and of course will still do) that she wont contact me. Oh so gut wrenching! I hope with time she can still be in my life without it causing her pain.
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