Can you be sure about marriage?

[neowulf]

Hi,

 

First time poster here, so please, be gentle.

 

I'm a 28 years old and have been in a stable, long term relationship with my girlfriend (25yo) for the past 5 years.

 

We finally decided to take another step towards commitment and decided to try living with each other for a while to get a better feel for each other.

 

We've been living together now for about two weeks and it's been smooth sailing so far.

 

The thing that concerns me is that, dispite all the time that has passed between her and I, I'm *still* not certain she's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

When I sit down and list all the things I'd want in a partner, it seems to make perfect sense to want to marry her, but I can't bring myself to actually imagine being with her for the rest of my life.

 

I've mentioned this to her, but she suggests that maybe I'm just not ready to marry anyone just now, so we should just continue to take it day by day.

 

I'm getting increasingly uneasy about the whole thing. I'm not getting any younger and I feel I should have invested enough in the relationship to feel more certain about marriage than I do...

 

Is it normal to have these kinds of doubts?

[nancyleeh]

It's common to have at least an ounce of reservation about getting married since no one can predict the future or what it holds for us but when you say you are getting increasing uneasy about the whole thing and you think you should feel more certain about marrying her by now and that your *still* not certain she's the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, those are red flags!

 

But do those red flags mean she isn't the one? Maybe, maybe not. I suggest that instead of trying to figure out in your head if she is the "one", take some time and sit with the idea of marriage itself and see how that looks and feels to you. Imagine you are married right now, not to anyone specificially, just imagine what life would be like for 'you' in 5 or 10 years and see if that makes you squirm. Could be that you are not so much opposed to marrying her but that marraige and committment and all that comes with it is scary to you. I don't know you but it's worth looking at first.

 

nancyleeh

[adnCat]

I really think after 5 years you would be certain.

 

Just because someone possesses all the qualities you would like in a mate, it doesn't mean he or she is right for you. Let's say you actually have a list of characteristics you'd like your mate to have. You'd want them to be thoughtful, forgiving, funny, whatever. Well, think about how many people in the world might have those qualities. Probably lots. Does that mean you could fall in love with each of them and possibly marry them? I think not. I think people fall in love for the essence of a person, and not their personalities or characteristics.

 

Anyway, your uneasiness, you say, is increasing. I also don't believe that a man is never "not ready" to get married. When you meet the right one, you will be ready.

 

The only way I could suggest you stay with her and take things day by day is if you have some other reason to be uneasy about marriage. Did your parents go through a messy divorce? Have you been previously married and it didn't work out?

[RecordProducer]

The thing that concerns me is that, dispite all the time that has passed between her and I, I'm *still* not certain she's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

When I sit down and list all the things I'd want in a partner, it seems to make perfect sense to want to marry her, but I can't bring myself to actually imagine being with her for the rest of my life.

 

I'm getting increasingly uneasy about the whole thing.

I think you're not in love with her. She is not Miss Right for you.

[neowulf]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate your input.

 

My parents have been married for 35 years now and while their marriage was volatile (mostly verbal arguments, but never anything really hurtful or abusive), they are still happily married.

 

My mother and father have always had a very strong commitment to each other, dispite the disagreements and arguments they have.

 

I'm getting uneasy about things because I feel I shouldn't have to rationalise marriage to my girlfriend.

 

I shouldn't have to go down a list of practical reasons, ticking them off one by one saying "Yep, she meets all the criteria, time to get married". I always thought it would seem more ...a decision from the heart.

 

My uneasiness started about a year ago when my girlfriend made some pretty dramatic decisions about her life direction.

 

When I first met her, she was studying medicine and Uni and was a couple of years into the degree. After much soul searching, she decided that medicine wasn't really for her.

 

She's always been a gifted artist, so I encouraged her to try Graphic arts, since she was so tallented at it. So four years later, she's about to finish her degree when she turns around and says "This really isn't for me either...". She then tells me she wants to go back to uni again and do dentistry, which is a 5 year degree.

 

This of course freaked me out a little, because I myself completed uni early in my 20's and have been out in the workforce for 6 years now. I'd reached the point where I was wanting to travel and have a few adventures before settling down. Now with my g/f going back to uni and having to work a part time job to support herself, I feel all those plans are going to have to be put on hold. As I said, I'm not getting any younger.

 

I fear that by the time my girlfriend finishes her degree and is ready to join the work force and explore the world (much like me), I'll be about ready to be thinking about settling down and starting a family. I feel almost like our timelines are out of wack with what each other need and want at this point in our lives.

 

As for how I feel about 'marriage' in general, it's true I don't feel ready for a domestic life where I'm tied to home and have a large amount of responsiblity. I only left home at 25, so I was a slow starter to begin with. I feel there is so much of the world left to explore and experience before I settle down.

 

I feel so much guilt at not being certain about my g/f. She's wonderful in so many ways, I wish I was certain about her.

[neowulf]

It's common to have at least an ounce of reservation about getting married since no one can predict the future or what it holds for us but when you say you are getting increasing uneasy about the whole thing and you think you should feel more certain about marrying her by now and that your *still* not certain she's the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, those are red flags!

 

But do those red flags mean she isn't the one? Maybe, maybe not. I suggest that instead of trying to figure out in your head if she is the "one", take some time and sit with the idea of marriage itself and see how that looks and feels to you. Imagine you are married right now, not to anyone specificially, just imagine what life would be like for 'you' in 5 or 10 years and see if that makes you squirm. Could be that you are not so much opposed to marrying her but that marraige and committment and all that comes with it is scary to you. I don't know you but it's worth looking at first.

 

nancyleeh

 

Thanks for the thoughts. It had occured to me that perhaps I'm simply afraid of the nature of the commitment. I don't think marriage would bother me so much, if I felt more 'certain' about the person I was married to.

[norajane]

I'd reached the point where I was wanting to travel and have a few adventures before settling down. Now with my g/f going back to uni and having to work a part time job to support herself, I feel all those plans are going to have to be put on hold. As I said, I'm not getting any younger.

 

You can still travel even if she is in school. I don't see the problem. You can travel alone, with other friends, or with her when she's on summer break. If she doesn't have money to travel, maybe you can spot her on a trip or two, or maybe you can have adventures closer to home. Adventure is about exploring new things, not necessarily about doing Paris, London, and Rome in a week.

 

I fear that by the time my girlfriend finishes her degree and is ready to join the work force and explore the world (much like me), I'll be about ready to be thinking about settling down and starting a family. I feel almost like our timelines are out of wack with what each other need and want at this point in our lives.

I'm still not getting why you can't explore now, even while she's in school. Lots of people with no money manage to find cheap flights and hotels and go to Thailand or Mexico or whatever. Where there's a will, there's always a way, with some research and planning.

 

Starting a family, well, yes, kids do change plans. But many, many women have careers and children, too.

 

As for how I feel about 'marriage' in general, it's true I don't feel ready for a domestic life where I'm tied to home and have a large amount of responsiblity. I only left home at 25, so I was a slow starter to begin with. I feel there is so much of the world left to explore and experience before I settle down.

What are you waiting for, then? What have you done in the last year that is remotely like exploring and experiencing? Anything? Why do you have to wait for everything to be in place before you step out the door? Why must she be at your side the whole time? Have you ever taken a cross country road trip with your buddies?

 

I feel so much guilt at not being certain about my g/f. She's wonderful in so many ways, I wish I was certain about her.

Marriage is about experiencing life together, taking the journey together, regardless of what kind of journey it turns out to be. To marry her or ANYONE, you have to be able to say, sure, regardless of what's ahead in my life or hers, I want to go through it with her.

[neowulf]

You can still travel even if she is in school. I don't see the problem. You can travel alone, with other friends, or with her when she's on summer break. If she doesn't have money to travel, maybe you can spot her on a trip or two, or maybe you can have adventures closer to home. Adventure is about exploring new things, not necessarily about doing Paris, London, and Rome in a week.

 

I'm still not getting why you can't explore now, even while she's in school. Lots of people with no money manage to find cheap flights and hotels and go to Thailand or Mexico or whatever. Where there's a will, there's always a way, with some research and planning.

 

Starting a family, well, yes, kids do change plans. But many, many women have careers and children, too.

 

What are you waiting for, then? What have you done in the last year that is remotely like exploring and experiencing? Anything? Why do you have to wait for everything to be in place before you step out the door? Why must she be at your side the whole time? Have you ever taken a cross country road trip with your buddies?

 

Marriage is about experiencing life together, taking the journey together, regardless of what kind of journey it turns out to be. To marry her or ANYONE, you have to be able to say, sure, regardless of what's ahead in my life or hers, I want to go through it with her.

 

You make a good point. There are a lot of things I'd like to do and I have started making plans this year to do them. The single biggest thing stopping me in the past is that I wanted to share these adventures with her. I worry that if start leaving her behind, if I start going out more and more on my own to follow my own path, we'll start to drift apart.

 

The other issue is that I've recently started doing a lot more outdoor, adventure type activies like hiking, white-water rafting, kyacking. Physically active past times.

 

My girlfriend is completely disinterested in doing these kinds of activies, which is hard on me, because I enjoy the phyical challenge and sense of acomplishment these activies give me.

 

I really don't know if it's such a good idea to be having the most exciting, fun times of my life without her there to share it with me.

 

Still, you make some excellent points. Thanks for your thoughts.

[norajane]

The other issue is that I've recently started doing a lot more outdoor, adventure type activies like hiking, white-water rafting, kyacking. Physically active past times.

 

My girlfriend is completely disinterested in doing these kinds of activies, which is hard on me, because I enjoy the phyical challenge and sense of acomplishment these activies give me.

 

I really don't know if it's such a good idea to be having the most exciting, fun times of my life without her there to share it with me.

 

Still, you make some excellent points. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I'm glad I was able to help. I have some questions on the activity things, though...

 

Here's the thing about sporty activities - most guys do that with their guy friends! That's what your guy friends are for! You can easily do those outdoor things with your guy friends. But your guy friends aren't going to give you the emotional and physical goodness that you can get from your girl.

 

Why must she be everything for you? Can't she be the woman in your life while you go out rafting with the guys? Isn't she someone you share some of the most fun and exciting times in your life every time she holds you in her arms, or plays naked games with you? Don't those count for much?

 

Put more crudely, do you want a woman who plays with bats and balls, or do you want a woman who is particularly fond of playing with YOUR bat and balls?

[quankanne]

I'm *still* not certain she's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

at the risk of sounding trite, you'll know ... even if the hows and whens and wheres can't be answered, what you have with her is a sure feeling.

 

you mentioned not sharing the same love for pasttimes: A good relationship is when two people complement each other. That doesn't mean they necessarily have to like the same things, but they respect the other's likes and desires to be involved in pasttimes or hobbies. Their pleasure comes from knowing their mate is enjoying extreme sports or antiqueing or fishing.

 

I guess the best "test" I've found in my marriage is that DH and I can pursue independent interests but still enjoy sharing our experiences doing those things with each other. If it turns out to be something that he also enjoys, or vice versa, then it's like gravy on some already tasty taters, you know?

[adnCat]

I'm glad I was able to help. I have some questions on the activity things, though...

 

Here's the thing about sporty activities - most guys do that with their guy friends! That's what your guy friends are for! You can easily do those outdoor things with your guy friends. But your guy friends aren't going to give you the emotional and physical goodness that you can get from your girl.

 

Why must she be everything for you? Can't she be the woman in your life while you go out rafting with the guys? Isn't she someone you share some of the most fun and exciting times in your life every time she holds you in her arms, or plays naked games with you? Don't those count for much?

 

Put more crudely, do you want a woman who plays with bats and balls, or do you want a woman who is particularly fond of playing with YOUR bat and balls?

 

I agree that you don't need to do everything with her and she doesn't have to be everything for you, but I don't think that you are out of line to want a partner who shares an interest in certain things, or some things. For instance, if those outdoorsy activities are where you really enjoy yourself, and you can imagine that they are activities that kind of define who you are, than maybe it is important to share that interest. There are plenty of gals out there that love that kind of stuff. I'm one of them. I love to hike and camp (like, in the deep woods or in canyons, where there are no bathrooms and you have to boil water before you drink it), I'm really into snowboarding, and I love kayaking when I get the chance, too. At the same time, we have our own activities, like my boyfriend plays several instruments and I have no rhythm, so music is his thing. On the other hand, I love arts and crafts and I often have little projects going on. (Okay, so maybe I don't finish most of them, but they are still 'my thing.') Our similar interests let us have fun together, our individual interests ensure that we are our own person, and not just one half of a relationship.

 

Bottom line, you should be able to enjoy most of life with her, not just the naked times.

 

It sounds like you have a good basis for what a healthy marriage is, and you are right on in thinking that it is a decision from the heart. I believe that it is a decision from the heart. You are right, you should not have to rationalize it or convince yourself that she is the one you want to marry.

 

I can understand why you want her to accompany you on your adventures, and, yes, it will be hard while she is in school. But don't forget that school usually has nice breaks, like the summer time and over the holidays. My boyfriend is a couple years older than me, and I took my time finishing school, but we found time to backpack through Europe one summer, among other adventures. These times with him were awesome and the memories are great; I still talk about the trip often.

 

Also, remember that getting married doesn't mean you are tied down to a domestic life immediately. You two can still have adventures before you have children, if you want them.

 

Lastly, really think hard about why you are with her now. Are you with her because you have been for the last 5 years and you are just maintaining status quo? You may love her and care for her very much- after all, you are human, of course you would care about someone who has been such a huge part of your life for the last 5 years. But if you met her again today for the first time, do you think you'd still fall in love with her? Or might you think that she was a really nice girl that would make a great friend but not necessarily your girlfriend? Like, have you ever been on a date, and the person was perfectly nice and polite, and just a good, good person, but for some reason she didn't tickle your fancy as much you think 'the one' might? If you met her again today, would you think that way? Is there still plenty of chemistry and romance in your relationship?

 

I know my responses seem a little scattered, but I guess I'm finding as you expand more on the situation, that it is really a complicated decision you need to make and there are lots of factors involved.

[neowulf]

I agree that you don't need to do everything with her and she doesn't have to be everything for you, but I don't think that you are out of line to want a partner who shares an interest in certain things, or some things. For instance, if those outdoorsy activities are where you really enjoy yourself, and you can imagine that they are activities that kind of define who you are, than maybe it is important to share that interest. There are plenty of gals out there that love that kind of stuff. I'm one of them. I love to hike and camp (like, in the deep woods or in canyons, where there are no bathrooms and you have to boil water before you drink it), I'm really into snowboarding, and I love kayaking when I get the chance, too. At the same time, we have our own activities, like my boyfriend plays several instruments and I have no rhythm, so music is his thing. On the other hand, I love arts and crafts and I often have little projects going on. (Okay, so maybe I don't finish most of them, but they are still 'my thing.') Our similar interests let us have fun together, our individual interests ensure that we are our own person, and not just one half of a relationship.

 

Bottom line, you should be able to enjoy most of life with her, not just the naked times.

 

It sounds like you have a good basis for what a healthy marriage is, and you are right on in thinking that it is a decision from the heart. I believe that it is a decision from the heart. You are right, you should not have to rationalize it or convince yourself that she is the one you want to marry.

 

I can understand why you want her to accompany you on your adventures, and, yes, it will be hard while she is in school. But don't forget that school usually has nice breaks, like the summer time and over the holidays. My boyfriend is a couple years older than me, and I took my time finishing school, but we found time to backpack through Europe one summer, among other adventures. These times with him were awesome and the memories are great; I still talk about the trip often.

 

Also, remember that getting married doesn't mean you are tied down to a domestic life immediately. You two can still have adventures before you have children, if you want them.

 

Lastly, really think hard about why you are with her now. Are you with her because you have been for the last 5 years and you are just maintaining status quo? You may love her and care for her very much- after all, you are human, of course you would care about someone who has been such a huge part of your life for the last 5 years. But if you met her again today for the first time, do you think you'd still fall in love with her? Or might you think that she was a really nice girl that would make a great friend but not necessarily your girlfriend? Like, have you ever been on a date, and the person was perfectly nice and polite, and just a good, good person, but for some reason she didn't tickle your fancy as much you think 'the one' might? If you met her again today, would you think that way? Is there still plenty of chemistry and romance in your relationship?

 

I know my responses seem a little scattered, but I guess I'm finding as you expand more on the situation, that it is really a complicated decision you need to make and there are lots of factors involved.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful response. You bring up some very interesting points.

 

I decided over the weekend to sitdown and really have a think about what I imagine life with my 'wife' would be like. I imagine a woman who wants to take care of me.

 

No, I don't imagine a slave, who's suppose to do all the work around the house, but I do imagine someone who tries her best to make my life easier, to support me when things get hard for me.

 

I imagine doing exactally the same for her. Doing whatever it takes to make her feel safe, secure and loved. I imagine being willing to do just about anything for her sake, to try and make her happy and meet her needs. I imagine helping out around the house where needed. Helping with children. Feeling like we're really *partners*, not just a couple who lives together.

 

Then I try and imagine my girlfriend, with our current dyamic. I try to imagine her putting aside her own needs for my sake without thinking. I try to imagine her 'putting herself out' for my sake, as I've done for her so many times in the past. I try to imagine us supporting each other through the hard times, when each of us is really struggling to deal with life.

 

I can't picture it. It's just not the dynamic we have. We've always been very individualist and I think that individualism clashes against the notion of marriage. I'm not convinced you can continue to think as a sole individual and still have a loving, successful marriage. Marriage to me is about putting aside personal ego and working towards a future together.

 

I've tried to talk with my girlfriend about this, but she insists it'll all change when (if) we get married. I'm not convinced. I don't think people magically change when they enter marriage. I keep saying "If we're having problems with this now, do you really think it'll be different in marriage?".

 

It's a horrible situation to be in. I do love and care for my girlfriend very much and our relationship is by far one of the most healthy (good communication, mutal respect, affection) of all our friends.

 

*sigh* I keep wanting the problem to be me. To be the way I'm looking at things. It makes no sense to me to be looking at something so good and thinking "Sorry... this just isn't going to last..."

 

Thanks again for taking the time to response. I appreciate all your thoughts and suggestions.

[norajane]

I can't picture it. It's just not the dynamic we have. We've always been very individualist and I think that individualism clashes against the notion of marriage. I'm not convinced you can continue to think as a sole individual and still have a loving, successful marriage. Marriage to me is about putting aside personal ego and working towards a future together.

 

I've tried to talk with my girlfriend about this, but she insists it'll all change when (if) we get married. I'm not convinced. I don't think people magically change when they enter marriage. I keep saying "If we're having problems with this now, do you really think it'll be different in marriage?".

 

I think you have a point. I also believe your gf has a point, too.

 

At this time in your relationship, you aren't committed to each other the way you would be in a marriage. In fact, you're thinking of walking away, and she is aware that you aren't ready to commit to her. Believe me, that affects both your behavior and hers. She sees you're not committed, so she feels that she needs to be her own person. You see her being her own person, and you wonder if she can ever put you first. The doubts feed on themselves and put a barrier between you, a barrier that can't be crossed until you are actually committed to the relationship.

 

I believe there is something in the very act of commitment that does actually make behave in committed ways.

 

So, it's possible that you two don't have that dynamic now because neither of you is 100% committed to the relationship yet.

[norajane]

It's a horrible situation to be in. I do love and care for my girlfriend very much and our relationship is by far one of the most healthy (good communication, mutal respect, affection) of all our friends.

 

Please make sure that neither of you is taking this relationship for granted. There are reasons you have been together this long, good reasons. The grass is rarely greener in another pasture - you may find your rafting girl, but she may be a cheater or unable to communicate, or just plain may not love you so much.

 

It's easy when you are in the middle of a relationship to think there might be soooo much better out there for you. It rarely pans out.

 

As a suggestion, look through some of the other areas on LS and read about the kind relationship issues other people have. Compare that to what you are experiencing with her, and consider whether you might have something worth treasuring.

[neowulf]

I think you have a point. I also believe your gf has a point, too.

 

At this time in your relationship, you aren't committed to each other the way you would be in a marriage. In fact, you're thinking of walking away, and she is aware that you aren't ready to commit to her. Believe me, that affects both your behavior and hers. She sees you're not committed, so she feels that she needs to be her own person. You see her being her own person, and you wonder if she can ever put you first. The doubts feed on themselves and put a barrier between you, a barrier that can't be crossed until you are actually committed to the relationship.

 

I believe there is something in the very act of commitment that does actually make behave in committed ways.

 

So, it's possible that you two don't have that dynamic now because neither of you is 100% committed to the relationship yet.

 

We've been together 5 years? At what point exactally should we start commiting a 100% to the relationship? The think the issuse may be that I've initially been pushing to become more commited and she's still not certain perhaps? Until just recently, I used to believe I had a pretty good idea on the nature of commitment. I've discovered that's not really the case.

 

I believe your right though. I don't believe my girlfriend is a 100% commited to the reationship. That in turn causes me to think "well, if she's not interested in additonal commitment, what are we doing here?"

 

I don't want to spend the next 10 years of my life with this woman only to discover that she's never ever really going to feel she can commit to me and our relationship.

 

Still perhaps, that's simple a gamble you have to take to be happy.

[neowulf]

Please make sure that neither of you is taking this relationship for granted. There are reasons you have been together this long, good reasons. The grass is rarely greener in another pasture - you may find your rafting girl, but she may be a cheater or unable to communicate, or just plain may not love you so much.

 

It's easy when you are in the middle of a relationship to think there might be soooo much better out there for you. It rarely pans out.

 

As a suggestion, look through some of the other areas on LS and read about the kind relationship issues other people have. Compare that to what you are experiencing with her, and consider whether you might have something worth treasuring.

 

You make a good point. I just don't know how many more years of our lives we should invest in each other before we finally make up our minds.

 

Still, with the kinds of relationship issues other couples have, perhaps we should just count ourselves lucky that we are in such a stable, healthy relationship.

 

I just don't want to wake up 3 years from now and think "Well, in my 30's, single, no children, no wife, no home... nothing". It's the uncertainty that's killing me.

[norajane]

We've been together 5 years? At what point exactally should we start commiting a 100% to the relationship? The think the issuse may be that I've initially been pushing to become more commited and she's still not certain perhaps? Until just recently, I used to believe I had a pretty good idea on the nature of commitment. I've discovered that's not really the case.

 

I believe your right though. I don't believe my girlfriend is a 100% commited to the reationship. That in turn causes me to think "well, if she's not interested in additonal commitment, what are we doing here?"

 

I don't want to spend the next 10 years of my life with this woman only to discover that she's never ever really going to feel she can commit to me and our relationship.

 

Still perhaps, that's simple a gamble you have to take to be happy.

 

You've taken a step in the commitment direction by moving in together.

 

but I can't bring myself to actually imagine being with her for the rest of my life.

 

I've mentioned this to her, but she suggests that maybe I'm just not ready to marry anyone just now, so we should just continue to take it day by day.

 

Don't underestimate the power of your words - you told her flat out that you can't see yourself marrying her and making a life commitment. She seemed to take it in stride, but don't you think that's going to affect where she sees your level of commitment?

[norajane]

You make a good point. I just don't know how many more years of our lives we should invest in each other before we finally make up our minds.

 

Still, with the kinds of relationship issues other couples have, perhaps we should just count ourselves lucky that we are in such a stable, healthy relationship.

 

I just don't want to wake up 3 years from now and think "Well, in my 30's, single, no children, no wife, no home... nothing". It's the uncertainty that's killing me.

 

I hate to tell you this, but even if you were married with 3 kids, a dog, a house, and 2 cars, complete with picket fence, it's NO GUARANTEE. The uncertainty will be there no matter what kind of relationship you have.

 

As for the future, you are lucky. Dating for men in their 30's is a trillion times easier than for women. Women that age all wish to find a man who wants to settle down, but have had no luck in meeting a guy they can be with. You'll have your pick of ladies.

 

A friend of mine who is 40 has just gotten divorced. He says he has so many wonderful, amazing, attractive women in their 30's asking him out on dates, that they'd have to practically be royalty to really stand out.

[neowulf]

I hate to tell you this, but even if you were married with 3 kids, a dog, a house, and 2 cars, complete with picket fence, it's NO GUARANTEE. The uncertainty will be there no matter what kind of relationship you have.

 

As for the future, you are lucky. Dating for men in their 30's is a trillion times easier than for women. Women that age all wish to find a man who wants to settle down, but have had no luck in meeting a guy they can be with. You'll have your pick of ladies.

 

A friend of mine who is 40 has just gotten divorced. He says he has so many wonderful, amazing, attractive women in their 30's asking him out on dates, that they'd have to practically be royalty to really stand out.

 

Thanks for the input norajane. I guess the best thing to do is wait and see if that feeling of "she's the one" comes to me eventually.

 

Perhaps I just need more time.

[Woggle]

If you are not sure abolut marrying her that is your heart telling you something is wrong. Something is off and that is keeping you from commiting.

[quankanne]

I have to say that I'm with wog on this one – if you've already experience for yourself that she's not giving in the relationship the way you are, and you haven't seen that area improve, a marriage license isn't going to magically change that. Either that person is committed to the relationship, or not, and after 5 years together, it should be something you're able to figure out even if you get an answer you don't really want to get.

 

I'm not convinced you can continue to think as a sole individual and still have a loving, successful marriage. Marriage to me is about putting aside personal ego and working towards a future together.

 

beautifully put. And something that was pointed out during the marriage retreat my husband and I made nearly a decade ago – you cannot be a "married single" (expecting to live as you did when you were single, but are married) and make a successful marriage. Marriage merges your lives and lifestyles into something you hopefully both are content with and find joy in, not you doing your thing and your mate doing his or hers. The other must come first so that you create that happy "space" that belongs to both of you.

[neowulf]

I have to say that I'm with wog on this one – if you've already experience for yourself that she's not giving in the relationship the way you are, and you haven't seen that area improve, a marriage license isn't going to magically change that. Either that person is committed to the relationship, or not, and after 5 years together, it should be something you're able to figure out even if you get an answer you don't really want to get.

 

I'm not convinced you can continue to think as a sole individual and still have a loving, successful marriage. Marriage to me is about putting aside personal ego and working towards a future together.

 

beautifully put. And something that was pointed out during the marriage retreat my husband and I made nearly a decade ago – you cannot be a "married single" (expecting to live as you did when you were single, but are married) and make a successful marriage. Marriage merges your lives and lifestyles into something you hopefully both are content with and find joy in, not you doing your thing and your mate doing his or hers. The other must come first so that you create that happy "space" that belongs to both of you.

 

I feel a bit like I'm strapped to a fast moving train heading towards the edge of a cliff. I want to feel differently. I want to feel differently about my furture with my girlfriend, but deep down, as things stand now, I don't. I want that warm, loving feeling of "yes, this is the one for me", but it's just not their now. I wish it was. I'm going to give myself till the middle of the year (we just moved in together), put some extra effort into the relationship and see if I can turn things around. Maybe this is something we can work through. Perhaps if I'm just more honest and upfront about how I feel I'd like things to be. I've tried that in the past and it didn't get us very far. I can't imagine how I'd go about breaking it off with her. When ever I imagine it, it tears me apart inside. How can you walk away from a 5 year relationship for something as nebuleous as "It just didn't feel right...". At least when things are bad, you can say "Well, things just weren't working out...". Putting her through that kind of pain... It makes me sick to even contemplate... Anyways, this is something I have to deal with alone. Thank you all for being so supportive and taking the time to offer your perspectives and advice. I really apprecaite it.

[norajane]

I feel a bit like I'm strapped to a fast moving train heading towards the edge of a cliff.

 

You just moved in together. Even though you said it was great so far, it hasn't been very long and it IS a change, and it is a step forward for you as a couple. There are a lot of reasons for you to be freaking out. It's natural.

 

Even getting a new roommate is stressful. And she's much more than just a roommate. How did you feel about moving in together - happy or reluctant? Are you feeling a little pressure to make a decision about marriage as a result of moving in together? Why the crisis now? Why not 6 months ago?

 

I want to feel differently. I want to feel differently about my furture with my girlfriend, but deep down, as things stand now, I don't. I want that warm, loving feeling of "yes, this is the one for me", but it's just not their now. I wish it was.

OK, good. That's exactly the kind of thing you should be feeling to make a commitment. It's good that you know what you need to feel before you can make the leap of faith.

 

I'm going to give myself till the middle of the year (we just moved in together), put some extra effort into the relationship and see if I can turn things around. Maybe this is something we can work through. Perhaps if I'm just more honest and upfront about how I feel I'd like things to be. I've tried that in the past and it didn't get us very far.

 

You can also try asking her how she'd like things to be. Compare your views of the future, and what you'd each like to get out of life. Talk to her about the places you'd like to travel, and the adventures you'd like to have. Find out what dreams she has.

 

You're living together. You have an opportunity to get to know each other in a way you couldn't before, more deeply, more intimately. Keep asking for what you want honestly and openly. Listen to what she wants. Compare and contrast.

And don't forget to have fun.

 

I can't imagine how I'd go about breaking it off with her.

 

You don't have to imagine it - why dwell on something that isn't certain?

[luvtoto]

The thing that concerns me is that, dispite all the time that has passed between her and I, I'm *still* not certain she's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

"Sounds like you don't love her enough. I am not criticizing you for the way you feel. If that's how you feel then that's how you feel. You shouldn't apologize for that. What you should apologize for is wasting her time because you ain't got the guts to tell her the truth. You either love her or you don't. What I need to ask is why your girlfriend is willing to settle for this?

 

Ask your girlfriend how she is going to feel a few more years down the road, after she gives [to the relationship] the absolute best she has to offer. Then, at the end of that time you tell her, 'I am just not feeling it. You just don't do it for me girl.' She would feel pretty damn bad." ~ Quote from Dr. Phil.

 

My advice? Do her a favor and let her go.

[bleedinghrt]

I think a better question to ask yourself is " Do I want to live my life without her" It is obvious that she is looking forward to a deeper commitment in your relationship and the next step is the big one. So if you think she isnt the one, what would be the next step? I woudnt be fair to her to continue if you never want to marry her.

So really take the time to think about your life without her in it and that may answer your own question.