LoveDeluxe78 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Hi everyone, It's 40 minutes past midnight in CA and I'm sitting in my room about to make a tough decision. I've broken up with people in the past, but why does it never get any easier? I'm just so hurt because I invested my time into someone who I was so happy to be with initially. He was fun, funny, a nice guy, and sometimes I wish he did something to me so I could just move on! My head says one thing, but my heart says another. It just hurts me that I mentioned to him how I feel, but he made no attempt to compromise in any way. Granted I know we are both in grad school and are busy, but he just wouldn't open up to me, be more emotionally open to me, or make me a priority in his life. Everything he placed before me, school (this I can understand), his friends, his hobbies such as his martial arts training, just seems like I was another one of his activities that he allocated a bit of time to, but other than that, he didn't want much with me. He hardly ever called me, we didn't talk much, when we hung out it was always at his house, watching TV, nothing much. I'm not a high maintenance girl and I don't ask for much except the affections and attention from someone I'm with. And he couldn't give this to me. He told me this wasn't going to change because they were all important parts of him, and that if I was unhappy than I should move on! That hurt because it was such a slap in the fact to have someone tell you that they knew their actions made you unhappy, but they didn't care enough to change it! He even said he needed to find a girl who didn't need much in terms of affection and attention and who wanted a very detached relationship. I'm just so ready to move on, but why is it so difficult? I resent him because I feel like he wasted my time. He should've been upfront with me and not lead me on from the beginning. I'm so angry and hurt at the same time! I know I need to do this and I just need to find the strength to do it and to get over this hurt. Thank you for reading this and any support will be greatly appreciated.
daisydo Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 You can do this. I believe you've made the right decision to remove yourself from this situation. This guy sounds very self involved. Good luck to him with finding someone to have a detached relationship with - sounds very rewarding! You deserve to have someone who will meet and exceed your needs and treat you with kindness and warmth. This man sounds cold and indifferent. You can do better than this! You will find someone who will put forth effort into a fun, rewarding relationship with you. This man is simply not that person. I know too well the pain of having your heart say one thing and your brain another. You may have feelings for him but logically the relationship just doesn't add up. He said it himself - he cannot meet your needs. So either you can stay with him and forfeit your needs - in a sense saying he deserves more happiness than you do - or you can move on with your head held up high. I know you can walk away from this with your dignity intact. Just tell him the truth - be upfront and honest - and then let him watch TV by himself and try to find a girl he can form a detached relationship with. I'm sure if he owns any houseplants it is probably a cactus. He just wants to water it maybe once every six weeks and then walk away - knowing it will always be there waiting for him. You are not a cactus! Take hold of your confidence and look forward to the day when you can find someone who WILL meet you needs. Who knows where he is now? Maybe he lives down the street. Take comfort in that. Good luck and be strong.
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 hmmm, well it's after4am here and I am wide awake because the insomniac who lives in the loft above me has decided to vaccum her hardwood floors at 4am.... Nice. Don't think of spending time with this man as having had wasted a part of your life. Think of it as as phase and a learning experience. You may have felt love for him, but obviously this guy isn't worthy of it. Take solace in the fact that you didn't invest more time in him! No, it isn't easy to walk away from this relationship- it isn't with any relationship. But you're doing the right thing. If he doesn't want to invest his heart and time into a relationship, he can never truly make you happy. He doesn't sound like much of a prize!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Hi everyone, Thank you for the support and your advice. I really needed it because I was so hurt. I feel like his happiness was more important to him than mine was. What bothered me was the arrogance of dictating where the relationship was headed, when he wanted to see me, how much he wanted to give. And then on top of that, when I expressed to him how I felt, instead of trying to work on things, he told me to move on! Then he told me he was tired and didn't want to hear me nag and complain anymore!! I just wanted to make sure that what I am asking for isn't unreasonable. Am I wrong/unreasonable for wanting to be with someone who makes me a priority in his life, who cherishes me, who appreciates me? Am I really asking for that much? I hung on to this because he kept telling me to be patient with him in the beginning, to not "give up on him", but nothing changed. What we had wasn't even a relationship. Just because you label it as such does not make it so!!! I've opened my eyes now and I am moving on! I say, "Good riddance!" Everyone deserves the best and someone who will make them happy. I know I definitely do!
notmakingsense Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 ...Am I wrong/unreasonable for wanting to be with someone who makes me a priority in his life, who cherishes me, who appreciates me? Am I really asking for that much?... No, and No. You are doing the right thing by moving on. Especially if you have talked to him about your needs and he hasn't responded. Moving in is difficult even when you know it is the right thing because you two were close and had times of intimacy -- so it is a loss that you need to contend with.
norajane Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I just wanted to make sure that what I am asking for isn't unreasonable. Am I wrong/unreasonable for wanting to be with someone who makes me a priority in his life, who cherishes me, who appreciates me? Am I really asking for that much? Lord no, you're not asking for too much!! You've asked for so little from him! You absolutely should expect your bf to feel lucky that he has you in his life, and to treat you accordingly. This guy, well, I've known guys like him, and they never, ever think of anyone else first. He even said he needed to find a girl who didn't need much in terms of affection and attention and who wanted a very detached relationship.He is going to spend a lifetime having minimal relationships with women. When they get too close or maybe start talking about deepening the relationship, he will run or treat them badly enough that the ladies dump him. Eventually, he will be one of those guys who ends every relationship because the subject of commitment comes up, and he values his freedom too much, as well as the option to be self-centered and not think about anyone else. He will be single at 50, still doing his martial arts and whatnot, and probably halfway dating some other poor woman who thinks if only she's patient enough, he'll come around to seeing how lucky he is to have her in his life. Trust me, getting him out of your life is the best thing you could do for yourself!
Davis Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Hey LoveDeluxe. Yes you should ask and yes you deserve better. It's easy to be angry because the other person will not (or cannot) change or behave differently. That only makes you think "what if?" Well, "what if" he .... those thoughts can drive you crazy. He is what he is. If he is not what you want, then go find what you want. I know it's hard, but you will make it through this. Hey Nora, thanks for this one. I could have easily substituted "she". Sounds just like my ex, unable to have an intimate relationship. He is going to spend a lifetime having minimal relationships with women. When they get too close or maybe start talking about deepening the relationship, he will run or treat them badly enough that the ladies dump him. Eventually, he will be one of those guys who ends every relationship because the subject of commitment comes up, and he values his freedom too much, as well as the option to be self-centered and not think about anyone else. He will be single at 50, still doing his martial arts and whatnot, and probably halfway dating some other poor woman who thinks if only she's patient enough, he'll come around to seeing how lucky he is to have her in his life.
afather2myson Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I just wanted to make sure that what I am asking for isn't unreasonable. Am I wrong/unreasonable for wanting to be with someone who makes me a priority in his life, who cherishes me, who appreciates me? Am I really asking for that much? No you are not asking too much. If He cared about you or wanted to be with you then he would make you a priority , cherish and appreciate you. The question is why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to make you a priority or cherishes and appreciates you.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 I am so pathetic!!! After all these wonderful responses from you wonderful people, and after knowing full well my happiness is so important to me, I just couldn't do it!!!!!!! Am I still hoping one day he'll be more receptive to the idea of a real relationship with me? My inability to go ahead with this decision is killing me! It is making me feel even more unhappy and angry at myself! What gives? I consider myself a strong, independent young woman. I have worked with women suffering from domestic violence, I have taken Women's Studies classes, advised my female friends to ditch bad relationships, but here I am, such a coward, unable to do what I know deep down is the right thing to do!!!!!!!!!!!! SIGH!!!!!!!!!
ShoeGirl Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I am so pathetic!!! After all these wonderful responses from you wonderful people, and after knowing full well my happiness is so important to me, I just couldn't do it!!!!!!! Am I still hoping one day he'll be more receptive to the idea of a real relationship with me? My inability to go ahead with this decision is killing me! It is making me feel even more unhappy and angry at myself! What gives? I consider myself a strong, independent young woman. I have worked with women suffering from domestic violence, I have taken Women's Studies classes, advised my female friends to ditch bad relationships, but here I am, such a coward, unable to do what I know deep down is the right thing to do!!!!!!!!!!!! SIGH!!!!!!!!! You are not pathetic! You are still not 100% sure that you are making the right decision, many of us have been in a relationship that we knew we shouldn't be in for whatever reason and yet didn't end it because we still had that hope that maybe things would change. One day you will come to the realization that he will not change no matter how long you wait, then you will be ready to end it. It is hard, and I can imagine that in your situation where he hasn't done anything horrible to you it is even harder! Good luck, you will make the right decision, and it will make you stronger!
norajane Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 I am so pathetic!!! After all these wonderful responses from you wonderful people, and after knowing full well my happiness is so important to me, I just couldn't do it!!!!!!! Am I still hoping one day he'll be more receptive to the idea of a real relationship with me? My inability to go ahead with this decision is killing me! It is making me feel even more unhappy and angry at myself! What gives? I consider myself a strong, independent young woman. I have worked with women suffering from domestic violence, I have taken Women's Studies classes, advised my female friends to ditch bad relationships, but here I am, such a coward, unable to do what I know deep down is the right thing to do!!!!!!!!!!!! SIGH!!!!!!!!! Don't beat yourself up over it. Yes, you're probably still hoping he'll come around - it's natural. You'll break up with him when you're ready. With all the lack of attention, he's left the door wide open for someone else to come in and sweep you off your feet. Maybe if you take a look around, you'll start seeing he's not the only guy for you. That might help give you the boost of courage you need.
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