Life after the breakup, and some pleasant surprises too

[ICS]

Another month has past since my breakup with my girlfriend of five years, and yesterday I had little choice but to spend my birthday mostly alone.

 

But it was fine. I have kept myself busy and have not thought of her much anymore. All thoughts of her that emerge in my head are often brief and I am happy with the progress that I am making thus far.

 

Fast forward to today. I spent my morning in a lecture, mostly daydreaming about nothing and thinking about what to do this weekend. As I left the room after class, (I know this may sound ridiculous) I saw this gorgeous girl exiting her class. For the next minute or so, I followed her down the stairs among a crowd of people exiting the building. As I got to the doors at the ground level, she held them for me as I approached two sets of doors, and smiled. We never exchanged any words, and we both went separate ways after that. But the whole time I was just admiring her presence. It's funny, because rarely do such frivolous things in life put a smile on my face.

 

I know I would love to get to meet her, but I know now is still best reserved for recuperating from the damages of the previous relationship. Yet.. I thought more deeply and realized that even when I am finally ready to meet new people and make new friends, I probably wouldn't have approached the problem any differently. All my life I have been rather reserved and "afraid" to talk to people I don't know.. while at the same time I have lots to say to people that I do know. I know my "shyness" will always stop me from meeting new girls, now or two years later, it'll be the same.

 

How do I conquer this problem? I don't need to do it now, but I want to set in motion the things that will help me get there when I am finally ready for it.

 

Thanks guys

[D-Lish]

Is it overall shyness? Or just the initial "hello" that gets you?

 

If you find yourself comfortable and more open once you settle into a social situation- then it's not going to be a huge problem for you.

 

Practice works. Force yourself to say hello.

 

When I'm feeling down- I actually go out and make an effort to act happy. I practice the smiling and pretend to be confident- even when I'm not.

 

I know it sounds weird- but practice on sales people when you're shopping or at a coffee shop or restaurant. "Hi, how are you?" It's a good way to get over your fear of talking to strangers. People in sales or service are paid to chat with you- so it's good practice without the rejection.

 

What are you afraid of? That you'll say hello and won't get a response?

 

Practicing social skills on harmless strangers can help to build your confidence in approaching girls you find attractive. A huge smile also says a lot!

[ManinGrey]

It's all about confidence.

 

I find that when you walk with your head up high with a confident walk, people say hello or nod at you. Women give you smiles as they walk past you.

 

It's a strange thing. Humans have some kind of detector that detects the confidence level in people.

 

What have you got to lose? The worst thing that could possibly happen is that she will completely ignore you. Say hello, my name is xxx, I've seen you around, it's a quite lovely day, isn't it? Or something to that effect, and I guarantee that will get a conversation started with the lovely lady you have your eyes on.

 

Good luck.

[ICS]

I don't know why exactly, but perhaps my "anti-social" and shy side has been rooted in me since my childhood. Back then my parents worked long days and I rarely got the chance to see them. My dad was a complete stranger to me and my mom was always devoting whatever free time she had to help me with my school work. I had few friends and I never went out. The school I went to was very strict and did always enforced discipline... no talking in class, no talking white lining up for class, etc etc. The consequences included detention and always a phone call to my parents for not being disciplined. Anyway, as I felt alienated from my family and from the strict school environment, all my thoughts were bottled up and I became very much the "perfect" student who was always quiet and attentive. But that's also a very huge mistake, because it shaped me to become very shy and scared to communicate with strangers.

 

However, like I said before, that shyness and "social phobia" has evolved, because I consider myself to be very talkative with people I know. But for strangers... not so.

 

Today I went to a store, all the while remembering your advice to talk to the salesperson. I did just that, and having reflected on the experience, I believe that I have no problems talking with them, as I realized that they are paid to help their customers and there is no feeling of rejection involved.

 

I guess with a stranger, my brain automatically shifts into a different working mode, with fear of rejection and fear of making a bad impression and embarrassing myself. More than that.. I also cannot imagine what to say after a simple hello. The words just do not come out of my mouth..

 

As for smiling-that is a much smaller obstacle. In fact, some female friends from before would tell me that they always remembered me for my smile. Unfortunately, I just don't smile that much anymore, especially having gone through hell in my past relationship not so long ago. You could probably say that experience has made me more bottled up in terms of expressing my emotions.

 

P.S.: The girl from yesterday gave me a smile, was it possible that it meant anything? I have always wondered but never understood such tiny details of the opposite sex.

[daisydo]

ICS:

 

You are obviously a very intelligent person. Your posts are thought out and well constructed. I am sure you have a lot more than that going for you in addition to your wonderful smile.

 

I recently read something that struck a chord with me. I am shy myself and have always had trouble going up to strangers to begin conversation. The gist of what I read was this: if your intentions are good and your motivations are pure, there should be nothing to regret or be afraid of. All you are looking for is someone to connect with and share something with. You are not out to harm anyone or solicit anything from them. Take that and go with it. It should give you more confidence behind your actions because you know that you are not doing anything harmful or wrong.

 

I would also rent the movie Swingers. I know it sounds weird but I watch this movie every time I am fresh out of a relationship and feeling low in confidence. It always makes me feel better.

 

Take care and good luck.