LadyRed Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Hello to one and all: I am personally very sorry that I find myself here and hope that all who read this are fairing well. Obviously, there are degrees/ types of infidelity. If you wouldn't mind, please give me your opinion on this: ****Background info**** 3 1/2 year relationship most of which was spend 400 miles apart with monthly get-togethers My Info: Divorced (for 5 years) 35 yr old mother of 2: great job and moving up quickly. Attractive, confident.. all that crap. Very passionate. Matt's Info: Divorced (no kids) 39 yr old, very intelligent, attractive (my personal opinion), and also very passionate. OK.. So here is the thing: I was married for 11 years to the father of my two children. I divorced him after the 2nd time he had an affair. Trust is a HUGE issue with me. Matt knows about my marriage and what caused the end. Somehow, someway he managed to teach me to trust again... I trust him. He promised he'd never lie, never be unfaithful, always be honest... and I believed him. I trusted him. Now he and I talk twice a day, everyday. The distance is a painful thing that we were working on resolving: difficult given careers and the fact that we both come from large, loving families. Over the last few days, I'd been having those feelings.. those doubts... those little things that really don't seem like anything at all.. but they stay on your mind since they are out of the ordinary. For instance: I have been known to get calls from my company's answering service late at night, early morning (2am).. this has happened when we are together.. it's happened when he's on the phone with me.. I'll have to ask him to hold on a minute and answer my work cell while I still have him on the other phone. Not a problem. Fast forward to 2 nights ago: h'es talking to me on one of his phones and the other one rings. I ask "do you have to get that?" He says "no, it's ____ from work, he probaly wants to know what time we're meeting in the morning. I'll call him later". Now, this is 10:30 at night... hmm. Anyway, I don't think much of it... until the other phone rings again 5 minutes later (again while I'm on the other phone)..and again I ask, "Do you need to get that".. to which he replies, "Yeah, I'd better take it otherwise _______ will just keep calling. I'll call you back in just a minute, K?" Hmmm.... so I say OK. Now people, did I mention above that I am not stupid? A call at 10:30.. he's saying it's a guy from work wanting to know what time to meet at the job site... and he can't quickly take the call and answer it? So 25 minutes go by.. and he calls. I ask him, "So who was that?" He says "I told you baby, it was _____." I leave it at that... and I did not let on that I KNEW he was not being honest. Did I mention I have a key-logging program on my computer? And that I have a 14 yr old daughter.. and as a good parent, I MONITOR her internet activity. Did I also mention that he has spent several weekends here and used my computer more than once?... NEVER until that night did I ever look back in the logs to find out if he'd checked his email... and thus discover his email password? SO HERE'S where we are: he's lying, he is obviously taking a late night call from someone he doesn't want me to know about, so he's already guilty of something. Here's what I found:FIRST DEGREE OF INFIDELITY: since January 13th, he's been exchanging emails with another female: someone he met through the course of his job, but not a co-worker. That's not acceptable. She sent him a picture of him that she took the day before: he sent her a picture of her that he took with his cell phone. That's even less acceptable. In her email, she references their wonderful conversations and how much she enjoys his presence, his smile. His response is the same. I'm really getting pissed at this point. But I keep reading the emails, in sequence: by MOnday, they "look forward to spending time together talking over coffee.. she can't wait to see him again (on the job site).. he's equally anxious to see her. OK, truly pissed now. How dare he? I go to the kitchen, I get a beer (I sound very much like a guy here, don't I? ). An hour goes by, I'm settling down, and I go once more to his email just to be sure I'm seeing what I'm seeing.. Hmm... Seems she sent an email telling him how wonderful it was talking with him this evening (I'm seeing red).. he replies to this email with "I was SO glad to you called, it was fantastic hearing your voice... for some reason I was so excited and nervous.. I hope I didn't come off as goofy...". OK.. the man must die. So just when I don't think I can get any angrier, or possibly feel any more hurt by this.. the LAST thing I ever thought he's pull on me... IT GOT WORSE. This fantastic 39 yr old man I've loved so deeply, trusted so completely for so long was not only being emotionally unfaithful and planning to spend time with another woman... I see in her email that she really isn't a woman at all.. rather she's a 19 yr old GIRL. Now all I feel is numb, shock and disgust. So, that was the last 48 hours of my life. Finally getting to the question I asked in the begining: Do you find that the "other woman/ man", who they are/ appearance/ age contributes to the degree of deceptio? Does it alter your opinion? Does it make it easier/ harder to possibly forgive? I know where I stand: I can not and will not accept infidelity, emotional or otherwise... but God, it would have been so much easier to deal with if he's been emailing his ex-wife, ya know? This is a CHILD... 20 years his junior... And he doesn't yet know that I know...but he will very very soon. LadyRed
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Four words - Dump his ass NOW! You don't need him in your life, he's a scumbag. Sorry for your pain, keep posting, many people here can help you. Part of the problem is the long distance, it seems he feels like doing what he wants because there's that distance, so your trust in him won't be there, even if you were to patch things up - How could check up and make sure he's not hanging out with the other woman? Try to get some rest. PS your little comments in bold were humourous! Keep doing that! Try to laugh (and drink some beer) daily that will help you feel abit better. Well, don't drink too much beer..
Curmudgeon Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Do you find that the "other woman/ man", who they are/ appearance/ age contributes to the degree of deception? Does it alter your opinion? Does it make it easier/ harder to possibly forgive? Wouldn't matter to me in the slightest. Infidelity of any kind, emotional, physical or both, would be an instant deal-breaker, no questions asked and no details wanted. BTDT with the ex. Won't ever go there again.
LakesideDream Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 That's why people date, to find out if they are right for each other. This one's not right for you. He's probably not right for the 18 year old... but hey... it's young and tight right? Sounds like you and he had some good times together. Beats watching cable and eating popcorn eh? This one just didn't work out. BTW, you could be in trouble for stealing his email password. Hopefully he isn't the vindictive type. Don't go overboard here. Just kick him to the curb.
Cinnesyn Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Yes, I consider who the cheating is done with as a twist of the knife in the back. The fact that it's some KID, young enough to be his daughter, would make me sick to think that I actually spent time with this man. Kick him to the curb and then find a nice guy closer to home. You can do it, you sound like an intelligent woman, with a good sense of humor. He doesn't deserve you.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 You've got two kids of your own to think about. Your own daughter is 14, just five years younger than this girl he's talking to. So... if he thinks it's appropriate to give a teenager THAT kind of attention, he's got NO BUSINESS being around your kids. Good job Mom! You had a gut feeling and you checked out his story. Lord only knows what might have happened if you hadn't. I think I wouldn't even bother giving him an explanation... I'd just send him whatever crap he might have left at your house with a note: "Dear Nasty Perv, Please drop dead. Sincerely, Your ex-girlfriend"
Romeo Must Die Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 LOL "the man must die", Lady Red! You and me think so much alike, it's scary. Alot of BS wonder what is worse, the affair or the lying. Why cant they just be honest and leave? Why drag us down in flames with them? Is this our test in life? Are we just somebody elses test? Degrees of infidelity. There's Cheating. Backstabbing. Blameshifting. Demonizing. Rationalizing. Justifying. Just to name a few. It's so commonplace now, there are household words for it. If you are a girl dealing with all of the above you have a lethal and very dangerous partner. I have never been a WS and for the life of me, I cannot fathom the mind of a cheater. The split personality. The duality between the two women. My husbands affair has changed my life forever. I paid for it all. He will never know what that experience is like. He never had to suffer a minute of what I went through.
Author LadyRed Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 Good morning everyone~ Thank you all for your comments, advice, words of wisdom and support. I think the shock (and the beer ) is wearing off.. and the numbness as well. So seems I'm back to anger and disbelief. The emotions make no difference as far as what has to be done. So, being the type of person I am, I will take a deep breath, try to hide the pain and stress from my kids, get myself together and take care of things. In the process of preparing myself for tonight (AKA Letting him know that I know... ya know?) I have taken inventory of all those wonderful things that he's thrown away: First of all: I am finacially secure (not rich, but my bills mortgage etc are covered, my children attend private school and we have a little left over for fun). Second: I am SOOOOO not a jealous person... neither an I controlling. Third: I am not conceited: I am physically attractive... I'm no Angelina Jolie... but I'm not Joan Rivers either. I am very straight forward and don't worry about how others view me: like me, love me or hate me... your choice. No need to take me to a fancy restaurant.. I don't like frozen/ fruity drinks that cost $10.00 each. Give me a movie, a few cold beers, let's shoot some pool and hang out with friends or alone. Know what? If I were a man.. I'd LOVE to date me!!!! Wonder if he knows what he threw away... and wonder what he was thinking he'd find. Since I won't be asking, I suppose I'll never know. LadyRed
NoIDidn't Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 LadyRed, Your opener was funny as He11!!! Not the situation. Just the way you accented it with bold. Funny. You sound so intelligent and smart and, of course, funny. Drop him. He's an idiot that obviously doesn't know that he's a transparent LIAR. I mean, what guy gets a phone call at NIGHT from a MALE co-worker? Oh, yeah. He's not that smart either. But, you rock. Drop him. Oh, BTW, did I say, drop him. Just wanted to add that.
Author LadyRed Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 OK, if some of you don't believe this, I TOTALLY understand. But how ironic is THIS!?!: I'm at work, doing my thing... I have a family to support and I'm not in a job position that allows me to just take a day off without advance warning etc. So.. in walks this new customer I had set up a meeting with.. and what I thought was a co-worker/ friend of his. After we take care of the initial Q&A, I hand them an account application, get his trade reference sheet etc... and the "co-worker/ friend" identifies himself as the other guy's father (He really didn't look that old.) Now, from the SON'S driver's license, I can see that he is 36... which if I had to hazard a conservative guess, would put the FATHER at 56... and his Daddy was trying his best to convince me to join them for dinner and drinks... him, his son and his son's wife. He was very polite about it, but also very diligent in his effort to get a "yes" out of me. BWAHAHAHAHA.. he's like 20 YEARS my senior... do you see the irony? God has a magnificent sense of humor LadyRed PS: the answer was a very polite "no thank you, but I really appreciate the invitation".. incase you were wondering.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Have you ever wondered, why is it that the older men get the more perverted they get? Maybe you should start with an 18 year old and then dump him before he turns 25. LOL
LakesideDream Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Have you ever wondered, why is it that the older men get the more perverted they get? Maybe you should start with an 18 year old and then dump him before he turns 25. LOL Romeo, As you know, I have sympathized with your plight... however what you wrote above is just wrong. Bad guys are bad whatever the age. Ditto for women. I have had enough bad experiances since my D-Day to have become extremely cautious, (my wife of 25 years was the chronic cheater... remember). For every 40-55 year old "rake" of a man, there is a gold digging, dishonest woman of the same age.
Author LadyRed Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 2long, No 50ish isn't old at all.. and he looked closer to 40. I just so completely appreciated to irony of the situation! I've been planning to let Matt know tonight that I KNOW. I thought the numbness was wearing off, but it's blessedly still here. So, as I said I'll go through the steps: I'll pick mysellf UP, dust myself OFF, and go on with MY life. I'll post later. To all of you, thank you for being here on this board. I will eventually explain to my family what has happened.. but if I were to do it now, my father and my brothers would be on their way to Texas to handle up on things Cajun Style. Talk later... bye LadyRed
Author LadyRed Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 I forgot 2 make a point before, and hope it's not 2 late now: Tell him you know of the A, but don't tell him how you know. -ol' 2long Too late.. and would have told him anyway for a few different reasons: Reason #1: I hate deception: all he had to do was ask how I know and I would have old him.. which I did. He was actually avoiding talking about it. He KNEW I knew something was up. Reason #2: I'm not playing a game: there is no "home field advantage" or need for further access in the future. Reason #3: There IS NO FUTURE.. see #2 above Reason #4: I had no desire to hear him tell me that whatever I was told.. whatever I suspected... it wasn't true. I don't play games in a relationship.. unless the guy is dressed as a pirate and weilding a sword.. but that's something else entirely, right??? (arrrggg) Reason #5: This was not an attempt at "working things out.. talking things through". This was ME telling HIM what I saw and how HIS CHOICES had affected the rest of my life, his life and the lives of my 2 children. BUT.. I do thank you for the advice. I know it was given with good intentions. Gonna go get another beer and continue contemplating my future. LadyRed
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 Gonna go get another beer and continue contemplating my future. Can you burp the alphabet? He's such an idiot. WTF is going through his head?
Author LadyRed Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 A... B... C... (belch)... D... E.. F*%^$ing MAN!... G.. (burrrrp)... H... I ... J lol.. Sorry. I do believe that I am (temporarily) losing my mind. Seriously, I am fine at the moment. Just "dealing", ya know? LadyRed
what2donow Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 WOW!! What talent!!! You are a true inspiration!
Author LadyRed Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Let's all say this together: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!" hmmm.... Since (at the moment)I feel like road kill, I'm gonna be like HERCULES tomorrow morning!! Watch it now~ LadyRed On a more serious note: I fear crashing... at the moment, I am calm, hurt, and thankfully numb. I fear tomorrow morning... and reality setting in.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 We're just bullsh*itting about nothing and no one in paticular. You dont have to take everything I say personally. I have had my moments where I have been hit on by Santa. Yes! Santa! Saint Nicholas! It wasnt even Christmas! He wanted to put something else in my stocking. His tounge! Then well, you just know he isn't the real Santa. Sometimes theres awkward moments in life, like when you were a kid growing up and you find your dad reading your teen girl magazine. Whats a girl and her bunny to do? Go in the bathroom and slit her wrists? LOL I'm just a girl in the world... thats all they'll let me be...
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